Our happiness comes from one place and one place only, from inside. It’s easy to feel that others give it to us but they simply help us discover what’s already there.
I’ve dealt with someone with a similar issue, I’m not one to use the label “personality disorder” lightly, but when I hear stories of people like this they always bring me back to the most difficult relationships and breakups of my life. Looking back though, none of it would have happened if I had more respect for myself and if I hadn’t been trying to escape my own pain through another person, which is the perfect way to end up.
I used to feel terribly guilty for glancing at other people or talking to female friends too often, or not complimenting the right way, or using the wrong words before she exploded and that was hardly the worst of the manipulation. She had a way of making me doubt every single thing about myself, while at the same time showing no respect for me whatsoever….half the time. The other half she was an absolute angel and one of the most incredibly sweet people on earth. When she was ok, it made me think that I had exaggerated just how fucked up she could be and that I was in the wrong. She would even hit me and then accuse me of hitting her when I blocked her punches, and start rumors about me but the pattern of apology and “I’m getting my shit together, just give me time” and constantly showing me my own contradictions, it was very hard to know what was real.
The awful thing about these kind of relationships that have insecurity at the core is that they can progressively get worse based entirely emotions that either person is not dealing with.
My partner now is chill, I had no idea a relationship like this was possible. She happily teases me if I’m checking someone out. I tell her who I’m attracted to and she tells me who she’s attracted to but both of us work hard to show that we respect each other and are on the same team. I have asked her how she feels about an open relationship and she just laughs and says “well, if you keep pushing eventually I might say ok, but I can’t promise I won’t fall for someone else. I don’t know if I am wired for that”. And so we haven’t done it because both of us don’t feel it’s worth risking our current relationship. It’s all very honest and supportive regardless of what it evolves into, and we are both rather independent.
“When I’m with you, everything melts away”…it sounds like this guy feeds the monster better than you do, and you are much better off, I promise. SHE did you a solid by breaking it off, and for that she gets my respect. I hope she turns down the other guy until she figures her stuff out.
I shared my current relationship with you to let you know, you’ll be fine. You’ll find something better than you thought possible. Just do you best to find happiness or peace inside and it’ll find you.