On the coast of Mallorca you can witness daybreak as the sun rises from the Mediterranean Sea.
Mallora Sunrise
3 years ago in #bpd by abh12345 (80)
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Our happiness comes from one place and one place only, from inside. It’s easy to feel that others give it to us but they simply help us discover what’s already there.
I’ve dealt with someone with a similar issue, I’m not one to use the label “personality disorder” lightly, but when I hear stories of people like this they always bring me back to the most difficult relationships and breakups of my life. Looking back though, none of it would have happened if I had more respect for myself and if I hadn’t been trying to escape my own pain through another person, which is the perfect way to end up.
I used to feel terribly guilty for glancing at other people or talking to female friends too often, or not complimenting the right way, or using the wrong words before she exploded and that was hardly the worst of the manipulation. She had a way of making me doubt every single thing about myself, while at the same time showing no respect for me whatsoever….half the time. The other half she was an absolute angel and one of the most incredibly sweet people on earth. When she was ok, it made me think that I had exaggerated just how fucked up she could be and that I was in the wrong. She would even hit me and then accuse me of hitting her when I blocked her punches, and start rumors about me but the pattern of apology and “I’m getting my shit together, just give me time” and constantly showing me my own contradictions, it was very hard to know what was real.
The awful thing about these kind of relationships that have insecurity at the core is that they can progressively get worse based entirely emotions that either person is not dealing with.
My partner now is chill, I had no idea a relationship like this was possible. She happily teases me if I’m checking someone out. I tell her who I’m attracted to and she tells me who she’s attracted to but both of us work hard to show that we respect each other and are on the same team. I have asked her how she feels about an open relationship and she just laughs and says “well, if you keep pushing eventually I might say ok, but I can’t promise I won’t fall for someone else. I don’t know if I am wired for that”. And so we haven’t done it because both of us don’t feel it’s worth risking our current relationship. It’s all very honest and supportive regardless of what it evolves into, and we are both rather independent.
“When I’m with you, everything melts away”…it sounds like this guy feeds the monster better than you do, and you are much better off, I promise. SHE did you a solid by breaking it off, and for that she gets my respect. I hope she turns down the other guy until she figures her stuff out.
I shared my current relationship with you to let you know, you’ll be fine. You’ll find something better than you thought possible. Just do you best to find happiness or peace inside and it’ll find you.
Marky forwarded me this because he knows I love reading this sort of stuff. You dodged a real bullet there.
I'm not a fan of all this naming for mental health problems I'd rather doctors treated the individual rather than the illnesses. Anyway, maybe that's my bias.
I hear what you say though. I can't relate through my own past relationships but I can relate through illness itself. I was diagnosed as a Paranoid Schizophrenic 20 years ago. And thus, I've had my toil with the troubles she did.
What you experienced is common though. I do agree that perhaps you weren't able to fulfil that empty hole of abandonment like he was, but please take some consolation in knowing that if she doesn't work on it then she's going to do the same to him as she did to you.
Think of the brain in a way that it learns patterns. The stronger a pattern is, then the more someone that's experiencing it is going to look to fulfil that need. He has just done so with her strong need to fulfil the abandonment feelings - BUT, as soon as they relax and the honeymoon period is over and he is no longer crazily fulfilling that need anymore she will seek it from elsewhere.
Unless she cuts it out at the root. I know this because I did mine. It could be just talking over with a counsellor as to the reasons why you were abandoned and perhaps gaining a little understanding over it. This was the case for me. As soon as I understood it, and was able to explain it healthily to myself, then the needs and wants disappeared.
Alas, very few people make it this far, and it IS a hard old journey.
So, lucky you met this fate now, and not three-ten years down the line with maybe a child in tow.
I'm still sorry this happened to you though, no amount of my explanation can take the hurt away. I offer a little understanding, empathy, and perhaps a beer if I ever see you!
Someone better will come along :)
Hey Raymond, thanks for taking the time to write that out, and for sharing a bit about your previous times. My empathy levels have risen even more of late, mental issues of any kind are no joke at all.
I guess the more people that tell me 9 dodged a bullet, the more it'll sink in and be what I believe.
As far as I'm aware, she's chosen neither of us, and that's probably the best decision for her and I think another indicator that all is not lost and that she is aware of what needs to happen to live her life with control again.
Yes, this is the biggest aspect I believe - tough when it relates to parents and religion. I don't really want to say much more about this aspect, but may head to discord at some point for a chat.
Thanks again, a good evening to you.
Please feel free to! DM me at any time. I have a few thoughts on that also.
My abandonment issues stem from high anxiety, neuroticism, and living in a single parent family. All healed now, but it was a helluva jounrey! Haha.
In all honestly? She made a good decision.
When I was healing and working on myself I holed myself up in my house for 2 years. Apart from work. But yeah, great decision :)
It takes courage to type out what you did. For that I commend you.
To the best of my knowledge I never been around anyone with BPD but I have been around plenty with very bad anxiety issues which (I think) is one of the main issues associated with BPD. Hopefully she and anyone else with such issues are able to overcome them.
Anytime a woman consoles another man due to his recent break up I suspect that the man is attempting to or will attempt to make a move at some point. Some men will use their breakup as a way to converse with the new women they are trying to pick up. The woman might be none the wiser to what is about to happen but if the woman meets up with the man enough times, a move will be made. The sadness a woman feels when seeing/listening to a man they care about poor out his emotional state is enough to make some women have enough "feelings" to circume to the situation in front of them.
I like you am not controlling, if someone is going to "move on" or "cheat" they will find a way to do so no matter what obsticles are in front of them. IMO Its better to allow people be who they are so one can quickly find out if its going to work out or not. I wish you the best, another relationship is likely just around the corner.
Thank you.
I suspect so but I'm not sure he was being manipulative in this case - I don't know how much of her history she told him during these long walks.
Her history, a chunk of the story I purposely left out, makes me feel that these feeling that people have when they see sadness from someone were amplified hugely in her case - I really hope he didn't play on what he had learned cause that would anger me a lot.
Yeah I think so, I'll continue this route even though it's not paid off just yet :)
This is brutal, but good that it happened earlier than later. I was in a relationship for three years once when the male best friend of my partner began having depression issues, which often sent my partner to go and comfort him, which I encouraged and allowed.
I think her empathy got the best of her, and although I still doubt the guy's sincerity, they eventually fell in love through this time spent together. Problem was I wasn't made aware until a few days before I was to fly to France, where this guy had already left Cambodia before me and was living in the apartment I had rented for my girlfriend and I.
It destroyed me for at least a year, but I think in the end the guy did me a solid. I hope the right lady comes along for you my friend, but I think you dodged a bullet on this one.
Thanks for the comment Justin, and for sharing your story, which is very harsh on you indeed. Happy to hear that is all behind you now!
It is how I feel about the situation on this side, but to remain who I am I'll take the side that he wasn't aware what he was doing, and that her undeveloped emotions got the better of her.
What a post.
Sorry things didn't work out, wish her best of luck in overcoming her thing hopefully with the person she is now rather than the next and most of all wishing you the best in getting over the whole thing and it not affecting you as much in the next relationship. Maybe it'll help in noticing some similar signs earlier if they exist.
Thank you.
Yeah I'm pretty sure I'm not the guy, but I do hope she finds in the future someone who is.
I would like to think so!
What i don't want is though for this to alter my thinking so I become less trustful, loving, and open. I don't think it will be the case, I really don't want to have to fake a wall and act cold.
Also reddit is a great place for these things, looking forward to when Hive will be as big and even more rich in info and helpful activity.
That reddit post and the comments that followed almost had me in tears, again. Some hard-core sharing going on there and I hope Hive can emulate this in the future on a larger scale too.
I'm sorry it didn't work out but I hope this will free you to find a person that truly complements you and makes you a better human being. I wish you all the best man.
Thank you. I'm less sad about the end of what we had than I am about learning about BPD. It reads, and presents from what I've seen, as a real cross to bear to say the least!
that's one of my gripes with our current educational system ( among many others ), nobody teaches you how to deal with life's problems: trauma, loss, abuse, etc. We all encounter problems at some point and can leave all sort of mental scars: from wikipedia "Evidence suggests that BPD and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may be related in some way." I guess we have to learn the useful stuff by ourselves
Yeah you have a point, but there is such a wide spectrum of potential problems and disorders, where would the Edu sys. even start!?
From my basic knowledge of her I would agree with this, in this case.
they could start with the basics like how not to discriminate people with mental health problems. In my country for example there is a major social stigma associated with mental diseases which makes getting help even more difficult
That does sound like a good place to start, discrimination is not going to help anyone.
I think the other person might just be a self centered mofo. I know it hurts dude, I have been there. You are better off out of it and will look back on this time with a wry grin every time you see a cannon.
I joked about 'only child mentality' with her last week, about 10 mins before 'Borderline' was blurted out.
3 hours on the phone to my Bro last night was a good catch-up and he mentioned a guy he used to work with who has BPD and was an only child.
There is certainly some self-centered, my way or the highway, in there, but I think this isn't going to remain long into adulthood for most only children once the get their first few beatdowns.
It seems that some shit, and I have heard some shit from this past, that is just too much to get up from.
🤣 They'll never look the same again!
As much as I was hoping that things would work out for you and this sucks ass, I am really glad that you were able to distance yourself from this. The ramifications of being in this kind of relationship could be immense and highly damaging for a lifetime.
I like that you have taken time to learn more about it and understand that this is definitely not a "you" issue, it is them. And also, that they are actually trying to improve, even though they may never get there.
I hope she will work things out and of course, I always hope you will be okay :)
Thank you.
It seems so, something I feel she knew and made a decision for this 'sweet' guy with this in mind.
I do think I could improve in areas, but walking around blindfolded is not in my future plans.
Yeah... that thought makes me sad, I really hope there is future and constant light ahead for her.
Cheers :)
I said my piece on Discord but will say this here. Respect.
Keep rockin' it bro.
Thanks for the chat mate, boosted me up for the day :)
A pleasure mate, anytime.
As hard as it seems, just keep away. I have had my share of crazy women in the past.. enough to try a different 'species'. That's not the correct term I know.., but I gave up on the English and went overseas.
They are all hard work, but you need to find the right one. Just keep chatting to us lot about shit and you will be OK. There's always one of us about.
I gave up on the English a long time ago (if you are English and reading this, sorry!)
Cheers, I can certainly manage that :)
I haven't really been able to find someone, the people I've totally met haven't really worked out with me for too many substantial reasons man and at the end of the day, I usually leave the relationship feeling unworthy, unlovable and well unwhole. It's quite uncool to see her go man, but then, I guess it's what it is, set your heart straight and shoot for the stars, who knows you might just end up with a better person.
It's tough going out there, even when there are seemingly few underlying issues.
Always shooting for the stars, just generally drawn to the unpolished diamonds in the rough.
Thanks.
I don't know what to say, but if I don't say anything that won't be justified. This is one of your post that I will remember (there are several others). I don't think this is appropriate, but I am listening to blues this morning...and this is quite iconic..
Thank you. Yes a little blues feels right at present, but i don't want to sit still and ponder for too long, 'time is running, as she would say often.
Reading the article you quoted made me feel like I have a bit of BPD and it is generally so hard keeping relationships.
I need to do more research cause I always wondered what was wrong with me.
I do hope you are okay though
It is worth delving into your own psyche I think but I would not jump to labeling yourself too soon, if ever 😊
A chat with someone who knows what questions to ask could be beneficial though.
Thanks for the comment 😊
Nice content, although I was confused, is this a continuation to a previous story, I felt lost on the way. But I enjoyed reading it, will like to know if there was another article associated to it so I can read that as well
That is likely my writing 'style', and where my brain is at right now, apologies.
Dang it, Ash. 😔
While I'm so sorry to hear how things have turned out, I still have to
yell atcommend you for such a beautifully stated, if heart poking, post. I know some people with BPD, and seeing what their friends and family go through, as well as their own struggles... well, suffice to say I'm glad you decided to shine a bit of light on it.Sending loads of good juju in your direction, dear man.
Thanks Traci, especially for the juju I hear that works wonders. You know, I'm actually doing alright. Five hours on the phone last night helps, and I should remember to do that more. 🌷
Absolutely. Nothing like a good phone chat to help put things in perspective. 🤗
And to make it official...
I loved this show, this woman probably one of my first crushes :)
I loved the show too, but Lynda Carter was one of my first (I prefer brunettes...lol). I actually met Elizabeth Montgomery when I was about 5 years old - she was in my hometown filming the episode where Darren gets turned into a fisherman statue. My parents brought me to the boulevard and at some point she apparently shook my hand (I still recall looking up at her but don't remember the rest) and told my parents I had beautiful eyes. 🤩
Well shit. Really cant say anything about this, no exp. etc. ... just hoppe you are ok, stay strong and learn something from it.
Yeah, no worries. Felt like I've just come out of the womb also, no experience in this department at all before now!
Thank you.
Appreciate you writing in the open for it ... takes some courage for that
It has helped with a bit of head re-organisation so I'm glad I put the time in to do so. Cheers :)
That is the best thing one should do if find itself in this or any similar situation. Writing down, or just saying out aloud, helps this re-organisation in mind. You made the first great step, form here, you can just get better :)
Thank you for the supportive comment, I really appreciate the commentary here 😊
De nada, wishing you a full recovery, to both of you!
Sorry to hear mate.
First that came up after reading was this next song (an oldie for sure). Memories ...
Thanks dude.
Yeah memories, good memories of another summer coming to an end.
Plenty more to go though I hope!
One word... or two. :)
?
Yeah, well nothing that I can change anyway, even though at present I have such an urge to keep trying.
As my psychologist mate said last night, you aren't qualified for this. And as my brother said later on, we, as lads from single parent upbringing on free school meals should not be the ones boosting the egos and supporting others!
Yes, and that's just how it should be. Everything external and actually outside of you usually is gonna be ephemeral, transitory and temporary and even more important, out of your control.
Hence, the only thing that will always accompany you at all times and eventually will last until the end of your days and that will always be worth boosting and supporting, is only you and everything that is and remains inside you. No more no less. :)
Mmm, yes. Thank you for that 😊
¡Alright! now just sing this song... but to you! Hahahaha :)
Sorry to hear things didn't work out, especially for given reasons, I guess it's not easy at all to find yourself in this situation and everything seems to be fresh still.
There is definitely a big life lesson in this experience, I hope you will feel better soon and I hope she will be able to heal and get better as well.
:)
It is all pretty fresh, but this is probably the best time (asap) to start sorting my head out in preparation for what is ahead.
Thank you, and I sincerely hope the same for her too.
Rather sooner than later, life is strange!
Best is learn from the lesson, dust off and start enjoying the best life you know, things happen for a reason.
Dust off, that's the one! It's started already, new experiences is living life I guess :)
Took my older son ten years to wipe the shit out of his eyes, now he is starting to plan a new life, healthier more motivated toward being positive. Yes moving to yonder shores, when borders open...
Good luck and know if the right one is out there, you will know when you meet, if not, go it alone and enjoy life.
Sending you hugs, my dear friend.
Thank you Melinda, feeling more positive and aware each day :)
A huge learning experience for you! I've gotten old enough that I can look back on my lifetime of relationships that way! Painful at the time they ended, but because of them I like the person I have become today! @abh12345 🤗😘🤗
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Cheers!
Wow.. I don't know how to feel about this.
Could I have some sort of this disorder.. the feeling to feel loved and being the one and most important thing to my partner.. am I heading towards having this cycles of changing partners and making them lose themselves while trying to please me?
I honestly hope not.
I think I give out myself a lot and want to feel at least a third of what I give out back to me.
Thank you :)
If you feel loved and accept that it may be coming unconditionally at times, then I think you are in a good place :)
Some relief there.. thank you.
Sorry you had to go through the separation.
I hope you find someone who sees you as enough, both in the multitude of your words and in your silence.
Although, women love to hear words of validation all the time.
All the best.
Thank you :)
good words, although the situation a bit confusing.
Thanks, and yes, confusing which is likely why the writing is too :)
Love it. To human in one heart..
Umm, interesting thought 😁
for those of you who like the military, army, navy, air force, marines, military aircraft, warships and others.
let's scroll @militarynews chronology.
after reading this, I grab a book :D and found these words for you
Another new things to learn in life, I'm not happy for you Asher but as always, You're one of the angels on hive, lol. Thanks for sharing this post!
That's a nice quote, some true there for sure.
There is much to learn, always too much for one lifetime, I'll be back on track soon enough.
Thank you!
and for that.. I got DV hahahha.. my bad, someone is targeting me for leaving any comments
I know that name, best to ignore :(
If you set it free and it comes back it’s a keeper if not , new doors will open.
You will be fine, hurt but fine!
Writing helps and understand that this also ga e knowledge which can be recognised when needed ,
Stay safe be happy 🙏🏻
That's what I've heard yes, but I've also heard this one shouldn't be kept 😄
I'll be fine, a little bruised and confuses, but fine in the end.
I was told similar in regards to writing, by one of Hives finest writers, you are both right 😘
Shouldn’t be kept , well I believe in second chances if the hart says so. Just go with the harts flow and see , you know what is good for you and I remember the canon picture and that looked mighty happy! So if that can come back take it if not find or run Into another fine canon😉 happy Sunday
I think the 'best' we can 'hope' for is friends, I'd be happy with that.
Thanks Britt!