I'm taking an intensive course in order to edit my own work better (so the Editor I use won't charge like a wounded bull when I send my manuscript in).
I knew I had a lot to do on the story. I didn't realise how much there was to learn! Things sure have changed since I started writing.
The last lesson is Here
Here are the comparisons again.
Ashleigh had worked since before her ninth birthday. Not full-time, actual jobs, but she always grafted and schemed, found something to do and ways to earn a few pennies. One day, off exploring in the fields, she spoke to her friend, Nibbler the pony. “I know what I’m going to do. I’m going to save up all my money and buy a bike.”
The pony shifted under the weight of her head and arm slung across his back. His fur rubbed against her face and Ashleigh smiled. The warmth of his body and regularity of his breathing reassured her. She pressed her ear close to his withers to feel the pony chomp at his lunch. The sound resonated through his ribcage, reverberated in her head. Pungent pony smell ingrained in the pores on her hands. It lingered in her clothes and hair and gave a little comfort even after she’d left the fields and gone home.
Ashleigh always said yes if asked to run errands for the old-folk on the street. Posting a letter, or fetching a loaf of bread and a tin of beans took her out of the game and gave her something to do other than waiting at the back of the line for her turn.
One old lady, Ashleigh’s most regular client said the same thing every time. She pressed a carefully written shopping list and a few coins into Ashleigh’s outstretched hand. “Make sure you don’t dawdle.”
Ashleigh’s hand clutched the paper and coins tight. “I don’t dawdle.” She ran to the shop to finish the errand in a timely manner for that old lady.
The other kids, especially the bigger ones, either ignored the old folks’ shouts or couldn’t hear over their own boisterous noise. Ashleigh tuned-in to perfection and abandoned the game in favour of money in exchange for work.
Since deciding she had a goal to work toward, Ashleigh put games to the bottom of her list of priorities. She saved every last penny she earned from the errands and chores. The only sweets or treats she got were those given as substitute, payment in kind rather than the cash she preferred.
Ashleigh had worked since before her ninth birthday. Not full-time, actual jobs, but she always grafted and schemed, found something to do and ways to earn a few pennies. One day, off exploring in the fields, she spoke to her friend, Nibbler the pony. “D’you know what I’m going to do, boy? I’m going to save up all my money and buy a bike.”
The pony shifted under the weight of her head and arm slung across his back. His short, prickly fur rubbed against her face, and Ashleigh smiled. The warmth of his body and regularity of his breathing reassured her.
A thought occurred to her. “If I could save enough money to buy a bike, I could save enough money to buy a pony.”
She pressed her ear close to his withers to feel the pony chomp at his lunch. The sound resonated through his ribcage, reverberated in her head. Pungent pony smell ingrained in the pores on her hands. It lingered in her clothes and hair and she took a little comfort from it; even after she’d left the fields and gone home.
Ashleigh always said yes if asked to run errands for the old-folk on the street. Posting a letter, or fetching a loaf of bread and a tin of beans took her out of the game and gave her something to do other than waiting at the back of the line for her turn.
Mrs. Wakefield, Ashleigh’s most regular client said the same thing every time. She pressed a carefully written shopping list and a few coins into Ashleigh’s outstretched hand. “Make sure you don’t dawdle.”
Ashleigh’s hand clutched the paper and coins tight. “I don’t dawdle.” She ran to the shop to finish the errand in a timely manner for the old lady.
The other kids, especially the bigger ones, either ignored the old folks’ shouts or couldn’t hear over their own boisterous noise. Ashleigh tuned-in to perfection and abandoned the game in favour of money in exchange for work.
Since deciding she had a goal to work toward, Ashleigh put games to the bottom of her list of priorities. She saved every last penny she earned from the errands and chores. Sweets or treats given as substitute, payment in kind rather than the cash she preferred, she sold to the other kids.
As you can see, the text on the new version hasn't changed a great deal, but it has expanded. I took the advice given in the comments on the last post I wrote on this matter and I think it made a great deal of difference, so thank you @bashadow, @rebeccabe and @cecicastor.
I also think the text lurches clumsily when we move from Nibbler and the ponies to playing games with friends and running errands. I need to address that.
Today I have an assignment of conjunctions.
This is the assignment:
Write four sentences with two independent clauses properly using a comma and conjunction.
Then use two sentences from your manuscript that are incorrectly written and correct them. Post the incorrect sentence and the correct sentence.
Oh boy! On with it, then!
I guess I am an old fashioned reader, I like your style of writing, oh well society can't stand still for to long I guess or we would all be writing like Shakespeare, or Homer. Still I like those styles at times still, although Homer pissed me off when the dog looked up at his master and died. Just to harsh a line. That is one nice thing about being a reader I guess, no need to worry if my reading "style" fits in today's society.
I'm still going to write in my style - especially here, on Steemit. It's in the editing that the changes will take place and unless I'm writing a blog on what I've learned, I don't think the editing will make it here.
You're safe and so are my stories :)
I will look at this later. Just got up and helping husband get out the door.
Then I will comment again. :)
I took a self-editing course to help with certain things too. I also worked together with my editor so that we can match both our styles. She was able to recognise some of my "bad habits" and gave me pointers for re-editing my next installments on how to fix some of that. Precisely for the same reason as you, so that it won't be as expensive to edit the next books. It can be intense work sometimes ;)
Yes, it's certainly intense. I'm learning new things all the time. The one thing I learned recently that dismayed me, was that my style of writing is no longer 'in fashion' with publishers. I'm gutted! I have to un-learn stuff and learn new stuff.
No long in fashion? What style is that? Does that have to do with your POV?
My editor helps me a lot with my POV. My trouble is that while I'm subjective omniscient, I sometimes fall into the hive mind syndrome. So she helped me with that and to look out for those more obvious hive mind turn of phrases in future installments. I hadn't realised how much of it was in there until she pointed it out to me.
Yes, it's the POV that I wrote most of my stories in - omnipresent.
I'm also realising I have a LOT to learn :)
Same here. I'm really thankful to my editor who did a bit of coaching at the same time. Sometimes I write in the 3rd person, one character POV per scene. That's actually easier than omniscient. But some stories work better with omniscient, so the only way is to improve our skill and keep on writing ;)
The editor I'm working with now is excellent. She caters the lessons around my knowledge and though I'm stuck on a few things, we do appear to be making progress.
Cool ;) Yeah, I get stuck on a few things too. I think those few things make us unique and differentiate us from other writers. Some things are just our signature, and for other things, we adapt.
Okay, now I've got this running through my head ...."Conjunction Junction, what's your function?" .... lol.
I much prefer your edited version; as it's more concise and less "rambling", even though the section is longer.
I had it too, so here you go:
I hope it plays, that is so old. I can't say I really learned anything, just the tune, to riffle through the brain. But it was a semi fun blast from the past.
Hope it works for you.
Awesome!
It played ... and it was a fun blast from the past, thank you! Hehehe. :)
Thank you. Yes, I have to stop being so wordy... but it's difficult! LOL
The assignment you received isn't too bad until they told you to find it in your own work.
I don't have a manuscript. Sad, huh?
Thanks to your encouragement; it is in the works.
I had to submit around 10 pages of double-spaced MS for the class. We work from that every week. I have more documents open right now than I can shake a stick at!
Your story will come along, I'm sure. When Steem rises again and my vote is worth something, we can get back on it and I can look forward to helping my students again :)
You are helping many of us to find our voice.
Thank you. I'm delighted to be helping!
@michelle.gent! The article was very interesting.i feel better reading your post.
How did it make you feel better?
Tell me what was troubling you before you read my article.
Patriots tea leaf Tuesday..
I'm seeing sarcasm in the leaves....
😂😂
I'm not sure as to what you are referrin' ;)
Patriots tea leaf Tuesday..
I'm now seeing bullshit in the leaves....
😂
Hahaha!
Great and awsom post mam @michelle.gent
What did you find most great and awesome about the post?
I really like that you attract your followers to work on correcting (improving) their stories. Unfortunately, I'm not at home, and I do not always take part in the process.
Nevertheless, the revised version looks more interesting
It's easy to tell someone there's something wrong with their work, but it's a whole other thing to point out exactly what needs improving upon and to them help the person make those improvements.
I enjoy watching other writers improve and enjoy the lessons. I love the feedback we all give to each other, it's really most gratifying.
This is a wickedly difficult assignment. I am not currently working on anything. I need to take a short breather. Time to regroup my sanity.
I quite understand you need to regroup. Take your time, I'm not going anywhere :)
Good to Know!