I can feel it. It is always there. I swallow and I gulp. It still stays. It doesn't budge. I can't breathe anymore. So constricting.
It is a constant reminder that I am eventually never free.
No matter how badly I want it gone, it will always be there. Some day I'll find freedom.
But not today.
Today is going to be just like all the days I've lived through. Constantly afraid and repressed. I long to break free and fly like the birds. I want to float in the clouds and go wherever the winds blows me. I want to be the seed from the tree that drops with no clear destination. I want to be a nomad with no settlement.
Free.
It is no easy life. Living like this, I mean. I feel constrained. Bound. Obligated. Restrained.
Do you know the feeling when you cry so much you almost cannot breathe? You grow a lump in the back of your throat that stops you from breathing? Now imagine having that lump permanently. That is how I feel.
What has restrained me?
A few therapists and a few more second opinions have taken shots at answering this question. My journey of finding an answer that satisfies me hasn't ended. Nor do I see it ending anytime soon.
Every personal endeavour has a thousand fingers pointing at it. Ridiculing and mocking my choices. My way of life and what I want to do with it has always been snared at. All I want to do is live my life freely on my own terms.
Is that too much to ask for?
Seemingly so. I do not find any refuge from the constricting grasps of others. They have a divine power of stopping me from doing what I want. The more I try to escape it the harder I am pulled back to it.
Anything I wish to do seemingly has an intimate effect on those who aren't even remotely involved with my wishes.
So choke me harder.
I can take it.
I will take it.
Only in hopes of it making me stronger.
Strong enough to rip that lump from my throat and finally be free.
