I'll always remember my 20th birthday party, though the fine details had escaped my mind by the next morning. I remember its existence vividly because it was ridiculously well-attended, and may even qualify as a rager. At the time, I was heavily involved in the music scene, and I was a photographer for what was the largest party photography site on the internet. I was invited to a red carpet event or two that year, and I hung out with people who were in my favorite bands as a young teenager, and my nightly mission was to be having the most fun possible. My birthday party was at my then-best friend's dad's house, which was a ranch-style mansion. There was an enormous swimming pool with a cabana, and a huge courtyard. I have a photograph of myself at the time wearing a shirt that I had borrowed, still soaking wet from the pool: "HE WHO DIES WITH THE MOST TOYS WINS." My best friend and I would reminisce later that at least two grown men had left that party crying, and someone, in a case of mistaken identity, had their unreasonably expensive car keyed. Every single one of my exes showed up (none of whom were the crying men), even the ones that I hadn't seen since a messy breakup. See, back then, you didn't send out invites on Facebook; you sent out invites on MySpace bulletins, and it was a crap shoot whether or not your "friends" decided that the invitation was intended for them.
To explain why this was so exhilarating to me at the time, I have to go back to my earlier years. I was bullied horrendously as a child, and it didn't stop until I graduated high school. I was never cool. I was that kid that only got invited to parties if the host's mom made them invite everyone in the grade. I resorted to punk rock and dyeing my hair and wearing all black because I couldn't have fit in if I tried, so I might as well make it look intentional. I kept to myself and read books alone on the baseball field during lunch. And then something unexpected happened once I got into college: people wanted to be my friend. I could somehow hold a conversation with strangers and be charming through it, and if not charming, then awkward in a way that people thought was endearing. I wasn't just invited to parties; I was invited to the parties.
Over a decade later, I look back at that birthday party, and I come to a glaringly obvious realization: only a few of the hundred or so people in attendance at that party are still in my life, and I don't really miss the ones who aren't, for the most part. It wasn't a happy year for me; it was emotionally destabilizing, dramatic, and exhausting. I wouldn't trade having experienced that year for anything, but I also wouldn't want to relive it.
The Epiphany
A couple of years ago, I had an epiphany that was simultaneously depressing and liberating. I realized that some of the people who I counted as my best friends, who had been with me the longest, put very little effort into our relationship. With some regularity, I would text them on Friday nights--Hey! What are you up to this weekend?--and I'd get back either silence, or sometimes, they'd let me know they were busy, or we'd make plans and they'd completely flake at the last possible moment. I could guarantee that none of them would pick up if I actually called (you know, the old fashioned way, in which you use your vocal chords to communicate). I'd run into them at shows and at bars and it would be like no time had passed, but when it came down to actually relying on them for anything, they'd be nowhere to be found. These friendships were entirely on their terms, and their terms were to hang out with me at their occasional convenience. Some of them were people I had picked up and dropped off at the airport, or helped move, or had done various small and large favors with no expectation that anything would be returned other than the friendships I believed we had for years.
So I made a promise to myself. I gave the people who fell into that category three more tries before I'd stop. If after three tries that any attempts to contact them or hang out with them failed, I would stop trying and let them come to me. If they never did, then I would let it go. And next time I saw them, I would be honest with them about it.
I was disappointed to find out that without exception, those friends never texted and never called. At first, my feelings were hurt. I felt let down, and unappreciated, and unloved. They didn't even realize I was gone; that was how little I had meant to them all along. They stopped inviting me to their parties, and I sadly wondered whether or not anyone noticed that I wasn't in attendance. As I promised to myself, I was honest with them next time I saw them. Not in a mean or confrontational way--just, you know, honest. Maybe it would be good for them too; maybe I wasn't the only friend they'd lost and nobody had ever told them.
Every time, the same response: "Oh my god, I'm so sorry! I didn't realize you felt that way! I miss you and love you too. Let's hang out this weekend!" Every time, those texts and phone calls never came, and we never hung out that weekend.
Sometimes, It's Good to Lose a Friend
I'm not sad anymore about the friends I've lost because of that lack of reciprocation of effort. The friendships I have today have flourished because I have the space to nurture them, and they are closer and more mutually fulfilling than ever. It's so much better to have five close friends who you know will pick up the phone when it matters than a hundred who forget about you as soon as the (proverbial) party is over. As my birthday is coming up this year, I don't expect more than 15 people to show up, including my family and the people who live in my apartment complex, and that's fine with me.
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I really love your writing style!
Thank you!
A cool story with some interesting reflections. I've moved about a lot over the years, and ended up meeting heaps of people as a result. But as I've got older I've realised that I don't really need that many friends, and I'd rather put the effort into keeping the ones that I really care about and the ones I'm sure care about me.
I like your policy of honesty. Sometimes there's a moment where you're completely honest with a person in a way that you haven't been before and they surprise you with a revelation. I love those moments. They are exhilarating - it feels as if some wall between you has been broken down and anything could happen as you're both standing there in the rubble. It sure does seem that the friend you mention in the last section probably won't get back in touch, and that's really sad, but maybe there's someone else that you can focus on instead. Narrowing your circle can be a good thing if the remaining friends are the good ones.
I love those honest moments too. When you get to clear the air and finally express the things that have been bugging you. As much as that conversation with my friend hurt, it had been weighing on me. I had thought of letting her know via text for some time but it felt like it wasn’t the best medium to have such a serious conversation. There are a few more of those conversations coming up.
I prefer to keep a very tight circle of friends, easier that way and less complicated. Through circumstances I’ve learned to apply the expect the worse from people ethos and that way they can only go up from there in my estimation. I get ridiculed for hat by some but for me it’s ok because I use it as a defence-mechanism.
Your last paragraph of this post is so true and to be honest I think I’d struggle to find 15! I like it that way.
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for reading!
Oh man, I could never apply the “expect the worst” philosophy. I imagine it would get very lonely feeling like you couldn’t rely on anyone. I’m a very sensitive emotive person and I depend on having a lot of social support. I suppose the key is to accept that everyone has bad moments in which they do regrettable things, so you should expect that people are going to be imperfect, no matter how saintly they may seem. I just would hope that the ones I’ve kept close will be self aware and empathetic enough that some of that can be bridged. And I try to do the same in return.
Not only it's good to lose some friends, but it is also a healthy habit which can save you the trouble of dealing with unrealiable friends.
I really enjoyed reading your post. I lost a lot of people throughout the years for various reasons. Some of them were really close to me and I had this unrealistic expectation that they would feel the same about me. It was very painful to see that we weren't on the same page but I moved on. I didn't regret any of the things I had done for them. They played their role in my life at a certain moment and that was it; lesson learnt.
To some I offered three more chances just like you, while to others who were more dear to me I told them bluntly how I felt. Most of them assumed that my sudden confession/complain was a mood or that had something to do with my illness (which they never bother to ask or learn more about it). I told myself it was their loss, not mine.
Nowadays I have only a few close friends that I can rely on anytime for anything.
It's better to be alone than to be with someone who makes you feel alone, as they say. The three strikes and you're out rule is a good way to handle it I think, or at least to put that person on probation.
A lot of that faux-friendliness is just guilt at the end of the day, for not making the effort or not caring enough anymore. Emotionally its easier to just string people along and pretend we're all so busy, but everyone's lives would be easier in the end if we were honest about such things.
I enjoyed this a lot, which surprised me because I don't usually go in for these kinds of posts - your writing style is very engaging!
Or even worse: the feeling of being alone in a crowd of people. That exact feeling was my main issue with living in New York.
I am honored to have lured you into reading something that is a little bit out of the ordinary for you, then! (I don't write that many posts like this, to be fair.) Thank you for the kind words!
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better to have a few close friends than hundreds of plastic ones.
Thanks for sharing your story. I was happy to read you found your place once you hit college. Sometimes our lives get so busy that we grow away from our friends. Our Jobs / children ( if we have them ) can take up the majority of our time as adults. The free time we do have sometimes we just want to relax with no distractions. I wish you the best with all your relationships.
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I can totally relate to this, except for the birthday part. Birthdays were never my thing lol
The only one birthday I can remember is my 23rd birthday when I spent the night reading the news with two of my friends in their place (I didn't even tell them it was my birthday) And the reason I remember it is because that day, what was happening in Egypt was declared as a revolution that was named after my birthday.
Also, I wouldn't call it a good thing to lose a friend, I think it's rather a necessary evil. We don't want to let go of them, but we need to when some certain conditions happen, and those conditions aren't a good thing to see happening.
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Thank you!!
I better stay with someone who is there when I'm in suffering those type of friends never leaves you even the world comes to an end. My parents always say to choose my friends wisely and I always make sure that I'm following that rule even in choosing someone to marry.
At the end of the day, it's all up to us on how to deal with people there is a certain approach that we might consider along the way, whether we miss or we die...
All great advice. Thank you for reading. :)
Sigh, people can suck so bad ...
Yeah, they can. :/
I think it's super healthy to let go of people who aren't nurturing you. I've had a lot of friends come and go over the years. There's a lot of people in this world who are all about the take. It's not at all worth it. Not only do I let go of people who don't respect me, I also let go of people who don't respect my kids. No apologies. No regrets.
It is one thing to think about how many people will answer your call when you really need it, and another thing to think about whose call you will answer when they really need it too! Actually I have had a few friends that went through tough times and bad periods but for some reason they tend to keep to themselves rather than reaching out, which makes me feel like I haven't done enough to earn their trust.
Incidentally I have stopped celebrating birthdays for a while and it hasn't changed the relationship I have with my friends - I prefer to do something nice for them when the opportunity comes up rather than wait for an occasion once a year :D
I appreciate the honesty of your story. I have a couple friends who I was very close to in high school. Both moved away, but one remained in my life for years. We drifted apart in the pas ten years and I miss that friend. She is in Florida now with her husband. I miss her, but we just drifted out of each other lives. My best friend from high school is still my best friend, almost a sister to me. I have another best friend about 45 minutes from me. I wish I saw her more, she is like a sister, too.
I'm sorry to hear these women were fake and played that silly game. I am very happy that you have a close circle now. I cherish my two closest friends and have a couple others I care about, but my two best friends are wonderful and I cannot imagine life without either. Great post, dear.