Okay
No time for introductions.
Let's just get down to brass tacks, shall we? We shall, you don't have a choice.
Step One
- So you're an asshole who found this place and decided to become a writer because it says you can get paid to do so.
Well, it's not that easy. You can't just wake up one day and be a writer. You must first have a brain and at least some knowledge of the language you choose to write with. For me, that language is English and if you can't figure that out, I don't know what the fuck to tell you, you're practically screwed, and should probably leave this lesson now.
Step Two
- Okay, so you have a brain but you don't know how to use it.
I love Google. That's how I know everything. This is how you use Google as your brain so you can figure out what to write about. Notice the headline up there? "What I want to write about." I'll just throw that mess into this fancy little search bar, like so:
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Step Three
- There are nearly one billion hits but you only need the first one. I clicked it so you don't have to.
Once inside the article, this "professional" writer mentioned six things you'll need to do to be able to write, I guess. They were:
- "Relax"
- "Come up with a lot of ideas."
- "Kill the wrong ideas."
- "Ask your muse."
- "Second guess yourself."
- "Once you've chosen..."
So, that doesn't help. How the fuck did these people ever become writers? Then this thing popped up:
.png)
Step Four
- Rage quit!
I was trying to read that!
I SELECTED THAT ARTICLE BECAUSE IT ONLY HAD SIX STEPS AND I THOUGHT THAT WOULD BE MY TICKET TO WRITER'S HEAVEN! I WANTED TO BE FREE AND KNOW HOW TO BE A WRITER WITHIN FIVE MINUTES! I DON'T WANT TO LEARN SIX STEPS JUST TO BE TOLD I NEED TO LEARN TEN MORE STEPS!
One: I fucking hate it!
Two: I fucking hate it!
Three: I fucking hate it!
You can take those three easy steps and shove it up your ass!
Step Five
- Listen. If you need to research what to write about and how to write it; you're fucked.
Why do I even bother! Fuck this. I'm outta here. Go teach yourselves. They don't pay me enough to deal with this shit everyday. Do you even realize, when I go home, I drink? Yeah! I drink gallon after bloody gallon of the bottom shelf vodka because it's cheap and people tell me I don't stink, even though I can smell it everywhere I go.
You think this is water in my bottle? You're an asshole! It's vodka too! You see that fish over there? It's fake and the bowl is full of vodka!
I can't wait until I can retire!
Class Dismissed! 
Disclaimer: This article was intentionally designed to be humorous, not educational. If you didn't find it funny but thought I was an asshole instead, that still means I did a good job so you should probably vote. Have a nice day!
Upon first glance at your title, I didn't see the "do" and I literally thought this was post was about "learning how to shit". Oh lort!
I capitalized the 'D'. I probably should have done that in the first place. Maybe I should have just done a learning how to shit post. I'm running out of ideas on how to get my work on trending, ya know. Maybe that'll be the ticket.
Bahahahaha
The important lesson here is that everything in life can be broken down into x easy steps. Heck,
my school and parentshowtowiki.com taught me everything I know with step by step guides.It's kinda like the matrix, you want a skill? Download it in the form of a step-by-step and boom.
If there's one thing that pisses me off about bloggers and just writing in general; it's these goddamn lazy step-by-step guides or just simple top ten lists surrounded by celebrity gossip ads. There's no substance there. Empty fucking words that just sound like what most people would want to hear and then they use their tricks to get it to the top of Google. That's all they really care about. Pushing shit posts to the top of google. Then I see people here on Steemit writing articles that teach people how to do that nonsense. Hundreds of thousands of articles, all the same. What a waste of life... oh look at the time I'm fucking ranting again here for no reason. I better go.
It's sad, getting hits on websites is all about SEO and getting seen on steemit is all about wealth, news is all about power and manipulation; even in professional publishing it's about getting in at the right time, image/reputation and knowing the right people. It's all fucked.
Those damn pop-ups asking you to sign up for websites newsletters or to receive extra junk cause me so much rage. These days every website has them. You can't just go to a page and read. You're allowed to read one sentence then...a pop-up! I just leave if one pops up anymore. I can find the same information on search result #2, 3, 4, and more. Sorry for the rant. I've never had the chance to share my hatred for pop-ups for blogs. :)
That's really all this entire joke was about. Those pain in the ass pop ups. I thought of it and knew I'd be able to find one within seconds, I did, then I built this post around that. I think Mr. Himself will be retiring though. Blah! Enjoy your rant, have fun ranting! I don't think I'll rant about anything anymore. <---- There's my rant!
actually this is what i want todo when i actually start posting..... like a class....but for asshole, you know cause steemit is choke full of them (present company in your comment section all included)
Surrounded by assholes. In all honesty, I'm probably one of the biggest assholes here. I mean, I try to be nice, but sometimes I fucking SNAP!
but that's when thing really get funny......snap it!
Spoken like a sensei ✊🏽
Actually... it looks like I bombed another one!
Fuck my life...
I guess I stick with reading. Since I wasn’t able to complete all these “writer” steps from google. The only steps I was able to complete is yours three steps and I feel good about it. So once again, I’m sticking with reading 📖 only, short only of course, since I’ve never finished reading book longer then twenty pages. I enjoyed today’s class eventough I have not become a writer 😞 Afterall, I’m not surprised at all.
Reading and leaving meaningful comments everyday works too!
Keep STEEM N ON,
Frank
Heh @nonameslefttouse
You didn't give time for class to ask questions before you dismissed the class.
I love this man. We need to relax our mind to really know what to write
Crap! I just got duped by the image... I didn't even read the title. Plankton always gets lured to this kind of "offerings". A valuable lesson learn from here is to drink when one have that dumbass writer's block. Thanks for sharing @nonameslefttouse.
Hey, it's tagged as 'funny', clear as day. LOL. I didn't lure anyone. I typically write chaotic stuff when I feel like doing so. As for the alcohol. I usually avoid it. It actually makes me feel slow in the head.
Thanks for clarifying that but I do enjoy reading its hilarious! Its showed how green I am here. I didn't even noticed the tag. Anyway, I did learn that something we need to poke/inject fun into our writing and that it reveals the hilarious side of you. Its fair to say that Step 1 - Relax proves it...lol
I'm getting used to catching people off guard. I've been here for well over a year, just doing my thing, surrounded by many who do the exact opposite and take everything seriously. Tough crowd sometimes, but it's all good.
I could never get those multistep things to work out for me either XD
One thing that helps is to give myself permission to write badly. I tell myself that I’m going to do my five or 10 pages no matter what, and that I can always tear them up the following morning if I want. I’ll have lost nothing, writing and tearing up five pages would leave me no further behind than if I took the day off.
Lol but now I have realized I have wasted an awful lot of time and pages.
In all seriousness, when I write, I don't think about it too much. I just let everything come naturally as I think and I edit and format here as I go. Most of these people who write these how-to write posts are full of shit and simply couldn't think of anything better to write about that day. That's all it is. That's why there's hundreds of thousands of the same article. Those are lazy writers.
Cobra Kai Mood ON:
YES, SENSEI!
I can't drink vodka without redbull.
I don't even drink vodka. I can't stand the smell.
Hahahahahaha Introduction was quite hazardous for a few of your readers (new readers :D )
Well this is a fact based thing you wrote, i do not know how did you manage to write a quite serious thing in your deep sleep (Laughs)
PS: It was not at all a shit post rather a quite funny with wonderful write up <3
It's not hazardous. It's tagged 'funny', and that word is at the top. Anyone taking it seriously failed their reading comprehension tests. And I know it's not a shit post. It was a performance. Mr. Himself is a character I use to write with and he's an asshole, so I get to be an asshole when I write. It's a fun little way to escape and entertain.
The way you used the slang in your writing no body can touch your level :P :D and yes if one wants to read Mr. Himself's writing then one should open his/her sense of humor to comprehend the story ;)
I love Mr. Himself ;)
Pop ups and more pop ups... internet is full of pop ups, i'm so sick of them, and i mostly lie or exit them, the worst pop ups are the ones where i get asked if im older than 18... ive been older than 18 since i was 13 xD
OMFG
ROFL
HILLARIOUS
I just retired... MY UPVOTE. jk
lols.... You are an asshole
Thanks!
Wow, calling someone @$$hole and you get an upvote?
WTF
Lol
:p
I'm pretty sure it was tongue in cheek. If not, well, I don't care! LOL
Actually you talk like a madman ha ha you know dear what i mean!
All steps are I fucking hate it.
Lol!
This comment is FUNNY!
You really need a killer art to write blogs here. Its not that easy..
Tus palabras son muy sinceras y honesta, pero es mejor decir las cosas claras que de otra forma, estoy de acuerdo con que no se puede ser un escritor de un día para otro, debes de tener gran conocimiento sobre el tema y ser bastante creativo, me distraje leyendo quizás me gusto mas que otros, gracias
this makes me more understanding and can learn with the hope to change and do not think like fucking every day. Thank you for sharing your inspiration to start your change ... Amazing
Lol, nice article though, seeing ten more guides after the initial six
You have decorated this post with five important steps.
Thank you very much for share your experience.
I write from the heart and I create. I do not need Google but it is there as a resource if I need it. I do not use it often. But I would sure love a taste of your damn vodka please. Thanks That tasted good. I needed it.
Being a good writer is not an event but a process. One must develop the habit of writing everyday.
lols
crazy and educating as well
the google part was indeed funny.
do i need to ask google that? wtf?
it would be better doing all with my brain
I have never smelled vodka. Today's class taught me that I am naive. Good lesson. Maybe homework should be to go out to buy some and find out...nah. I'm not that curious.
Shit I forgot my notebook again. Wait a moment did I order this class’s book off amazon for $199.99. Shit I’ll be right back teacher. Crap this book was not on amazing some crazy guy was just giving it away on website for free. What kind of magic is this!
ps. Easy evasion to getting around annoying sites like that is using incognito and other tactics. Such as striping away the annoying things in the page till they spill the bean on the content you wanted. Yarrr hooo ho it’s a googling life for me.
You visit a site for the first time and the first thing it does is ask if you want notifications and you have no idea yet but the answer is probably "NO" because that's what you always answer. I once read advice that readers liked those articles, "6 ways to...", "10 Best whatever..." "Top 11..." so I quite reading advice.
I feel like now I'm ready to take on the writer's world. Thank you NoNamesLeftToUse, the Writer/Artist himself sir.
So all I gotta do is relax, come up with ideas, remove the bad ideas, second guess those ideas and shoot myself in the hea- hey wait a minute, I don't need a tutorial for that!
That's what I generally do when I want to write something.
I've been duped. I demand a refund of my attention!
good post............
good comment.........
Good informative post
Good informative comment.
Upon first glance at your title, I didn't see the "do" and I literally thought this was post was about "learning how to shit". Oh lort!