Would you let me tell you a story that I think would be really helpful for you, because it shares the best of what I’ve learned about having a happy relationship, getting through challenges and struggles?
Read my story in this post or watch the original video of day 162 of Happier People Podcast on YouTube!
After six years in a happy relationship, what have I learned?
This story features the Detroit Zoo and me taking my wife’s hand yesterday as the climax of it.
"Jerry, why did you give the very best?"
"You gave the whole thing too early!"
Well, maybe so.
What I hope to share here is my experience in getting through the normal challenges that we have in relationships, because I think the more we share stories like this, the more we each find it easier to get along with each other.
Ultimately, what I found in my life is that it’s not the evils outside I need to worry about because I have the ability to create all my own evil today, out of my own heart, out of intolerance and conflict with each other.
Why don't you go to the zoo?
Yesterday, I went to the Detroit Zoo with my wife and daughter. I’m very grateful to be here and filming a video visiting my family in Michigan. Yesterday, my aunt said, “Why don’t you go to the zoo?” So my wife and I, packed our daughter up who’s just about two years old, I think she’s about 21 months.
It was a beautiful day at the Detroit Zoo yesterday and we took our daughter there. I took the camera there to take some pictures and maybe make a video. I took a couple of pictures and filmed the camels for just a few minutes at which point I managed to lose my camera case the second time I tried to go out and use it.
Honesty is difficult. Why is honesty so difficult? The second time I went out to go and use it, I lost my camera case within a few minutes of walking into Detroit Zoo.
"Jerry, this story sucks."
Maybe it does, maybe it's really good though, maybe the truth is somewhere in between.
That is for me an immediate shame trigger like, "Wow, nice job you lost your case with everything inside." The money is not a big deal to me, but that stuff always gets into principle like, "You lost your brand new $70 Lapel mic. You lost your case, and you lost your $40 backup battery."
As soon as I walked into Detroit Zoo, I lost $100 right there. I thought, "The money is not a big deal, but why does this still piss me off?" I felt like I was hurried, like I was rushed, like my wife and daughter wanted to go off and see the giraffes in the back of the zoo.
Bottom line, I started coming up with a lot of self-pity and my wife does really good with it. She said, "It's okay. I love you. It's no big deal." She was not minimizing it, but at the same time comforting me, so I felt better soon after that and I prayed about it. Now, just that normally, in a lot of days in my life, is enough to set me off for days. I'd be complaining to you about something I lost years earlier.
We got through the rest of the zoo up until we got to see the giraffes. We had a lot of fun with our daughter looking at different birds and animals.
Then, it got to be about 11 a.m., my daughter was sleepy and she decided right then that she wanted to take a nap. We told her that we didn't have anything to take a nap, that we were out at the zoo and we didn't have her blanket that she wanted to take a nap with.
A total breakdown
She just started asking for her blanket and she just lost it. She had a total breakdown screaming and crying, "I want my blanket," thrashing and flooring around. She didn't want to be held, she didn't want to walk around, she just had a total meltdown.
This presented all kinds of opportunities for shame triggers, "Oh my God, what are these other parents going to think, my child's having a tantrum, look how bad I look."
Her tantrum became difficult for all of us then, and my wife did pretty good with it until I didn't start doing very good with it. I wanted to help out.
I want to be useful and sometimes as a screaming child you don't need both parents to try to help, it's too much, I don't know.
However it went down, my wife, daughter and I, ended up all being very uncomfortable as we headed towards the exit. My wife was trying to hurry out to the exit, I needed to go to the bathroom and was building up a bunch of self-pity and resentment for myself like, "Wow, I don't deserve this," and then getting mad at my wife and trying to blame her.
"Well, if she wasn't in such a hurry I wouldn't have lost my camera case, then if she wasn't in such a hurry our daughter wouldn't have got so upset," and then me seeing that the truth is that I was miserable at that moment.
I was just having a really good day a few minutes ago and all of a sudden I was miserable, and that was the truth. It was not my wife's fault and it wouldn't make it better if I tried to drag my wife down and say these things that were in my head.
What I managed to get out was that I said, "I'm feeling just like Madeline is. I'm feeling frustrated. I just want to sit down, cry, scream and I'm feeling the same way she is."
Now, my wife didn't know what to do with that and she said something along the lines of, "Well, you're an adult. You should be able to deal with this and cope with this."
Tools to deal with emotions
Now, yes, I've got tools at 33 years old to deal with emotions, but the emotions are the same as they've always been. The feeling of anger, frustration and self-pity, are the same as they've been my whole life.
I do have tools to deal with them and I'm grateful that I actually used the tools as an adult to try to recover in a way that's healthier, instead of having a screaming argument with my wife in the middle of Detroit Zoo, instead of going crazy and continuing up and up, and just be a lunatic, which is what I've done most of my life.
When my parents would fight, often they would warm-up each other and one of them would storm off, or they'd start yelling, or they'd keep it all together until they got home at which point they'd be screaming, door slamming and anger for days, and arguments being used for years about things like that.
I pray when I honestly see that I'm insane, and that I really want everything to be worse.
I'm grateful for what actually happened yesterday, I started praying, "God help me remember I love my wife. Help me remember to be here, not to miss out on this by being in miserable anger, and also not to make it worse, to just not say that next nasty thing, to not warm-up at one more time."
Thankfully, I needed to go to the bathroom so I said, "I'm going to go to the bathroom and I don't want it to be a big deal," because my wife was trying to hurry out with our daughter, and what I was trying to do to sabotage was drag as much as possible.
I went to the bathroom still all upset, I was praying and thinking. I might have cried a little bit, I don't know. My wife, outward at least, was keeping it pretty well together, but inwardly she was pretty upset as well. Our daughter, by this time, had started to relax and she was like, "Whatever, I'll get my blanket soon." As my wife and I were walking out of the park, I was all upset.
Saving the day!
Now, normally my wife and I are very touchy and feely. We hold hands and give hugs. We're very expressive with our love for each other.
I looked down and I saw my wife's hands swinging empty because our daughter was in the carrier. I'd been holding her hand when we walked in and everything was good, then I held her hand when I lost my camera case and felt bad. Her hands were sitting there swinging and I was in the middle of this mess in my head like, "I can't believe what she did. It's all her fault, blah-blah." I was praying, "Please God, let's have a nice day together and let's not do the same kind of thing I've done so many times."
It seemed like the most insane thing in the world, like you might think it feel insane to jump off a bridge or to ask someone out on a date…
"Can we get some less extreme examples here, Jerry?"
All right, whatever you think feels totally insane, just admit you're wrong in the middle of an argument.
I just reached out my hand and grabbed my wife's hand and it was amazing everything instantly was better.
Now, I took that action in love, I didn't reach out to grab her hand and slow her down, pull her and try to control her, I reached out her hand vulnerable, in love, realizing that if she just threw my hand out of hers and said, "Get out of here," that I would be crushed, that it would hurt. I reached out almost just like that awkward on a first date, maybe reach out trying to hold the person's hand while you're walking in the mall, that kind of vulnerability.
I reached out and I grabbed my wife's hand, and I just said, "Thank God we're here together, I'm really grateful we have this time together as a family." My wife just said all of a sudden, "I'm sorry for being so hard on you and for hurrying out, or whatever."
She said, "I'm sorry," and I said, “I’m sorry too, I made this more difficult, I didn't make this easier, I made this harder, I'm sorry."
After that we had a wonderful day together.
"Jerry that's a great story, I'm going to go tell that to everyone."
To me that is a miracle because I've seen so many days like that, so many normal things like that turn into absolute meltdown and horrible fights. I've had relationships end over starting with just little things like that, and all of a sudden someone's cheated on the other person, or I'm leaving a crazy drunk phone call, "F U, I don't want to see you again." That's how all this stuff starts, it's just little things like that.
I realize that I want to be married to my wife for the rest of my life, and it's important to fix, really completely fix, every single one of those little things immediately or as fast as possible.
It was amazing yesterday and it felt like all those slowdowns in a movie just reaching out to take my wife's hand, it was amazing.
I've learned that from other people, I've learned how to be a loving and grateful person. I've learned how to be vulnerable and to take a risk, a chance from other people.
This is an intimate personal story, of course I'd rather keep it to myself, and yet I realize this might help.
I hope you have a wonderful day today.
If you found this post helpful on Steemit, would you please upvote it and follow me because you will then be able to see more posts like this in your home feed?
Love,
Jerry Banfield with edits by @gmichelbkk
Shared on:
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- YouTube channel with 196,188 subscribers.
- Twitter with 105,735 followers.
PS: Witness votes are the most powerful votes we make on Steem because one vote for a witness lasts indefinitely! Would you please make a vote for jerrybanfield as a witness or set jerrybanfield as a proxy to handle all witness votes at https://steemit.com/~witnesses because when we make our votes, we feel in control of our future together?
Or
Not too many people in this world can proudly assert that they are in happy relationships...
That is good Jerry
This post received a 3% upvote from @randowhale thanks to @mountrock! For more information, click here!
That is cool :)
This post received a 1.5% upvote from @randowhale thanks to @cxc! For more information, click here!
You are so blessed to have a good relationship!
Great story! Gratitude leads to love in more ways than one...improves our health, relationships, emotions, personality, and career.
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Gratitude makes us happier. A five-minute a day gratitude journal can increase your long-term well-being by more than 10 percent. That's the same impact as doubling your income! ... Gratitude improves our health, relationships, emotions, personality, and career.
So true about the editing Jerry haha people are so sick today of fake reality TV shows edited news and radio shows. The reason I like watching your videos as well as most podcasts now a days is the raw reality of it. I want to hear every stutter and siren haha makes me feel a stronger connection like I'm really there having conversation.
Thank you Barry for helping me have the courage to continue sharing from the heart!
Thank you @jerrybanfiled for sharing this story with us. I had a chance to see it some time ago on YT.
It really helped me a little to stop, analyze my relationship and look at it from a different perspective.
It also helped to improve myself, so thanks for that 👍
I remember you asking the users what posts they would like to see. For me, just like this one is very valuable.
nice story, upvote and follow!
I invite you to see my blog, it's about an art!
and voted!
Awesome page I followed you, hope you will check out mine.
nice profile both! upvoted and followed both!
The economy of people! Power of networking is strong, followed and upvoted back :)
I was actually thinking about writing a post about my relationship since it's long distance. But that's nothing when compared with yours, @jerrybanfield. The bond and connection grow if you can make it through the hardships. I mean, I don't know you personally, but your posts resonate kindness with the hopes of inspiring others. I wish you luck and success, brother.
Once again, thanks for sharing your personal life with the community :)
Yes, good combination between the personal and professional stuff...
Some sound advice here! Sometimes people need a little reminder to stop and appreciate what they have in life. I'm sure your story will reach many people!
Sounds like you had a fulfilling day at the Zoo, in the end; your spouse is very understanding - and that helps.
Enjoyed the image of the #Giraffe. Thanks for being #Honest & sharing your emotions, your feelings of inadequacy. Not so easy to do.
And it seems like you're very grateful for yr #Family - that's wise.
Very good relationship advice my buddy Jerry . Good for those who are jumping inside the relationship bandwagon, upped.
In addition to my lcomment, feel free to join the conversation in my new post about future of steem...it will motivate you more about steem . More success to you.
lovely post man. experience as they say is the best teacher so we actually learn something new everyday.
love that pic of the giraffe though
@molokwu
Another feel-good post, encouraging as always, thank you @jerrybanfield :):)
Awesome topic. I will read and listen tomorrow. Just wanted to comment because I just asked the same thing in German. I am very happy in my relationship and it took me ten years to find it. I have celebral palsy from birth. Finding love was a real challenge. I look forward to reading your story.
@jerrybanfield, I just had to upvote and resteem this, not because it was well written, but because the content was so honest and genuine and true. Thanks for sharing something so personal and raw. That's what makes this a great post.
@jerrybanfield - quite a nice post, but where are your imagesources ... just kidding :-D
@jerrybanfield - this steemian drew you. Just make a little ad for this post, cause I really like it and I don't know if people see it or get informed, when their names are in the title... (?)
https://steemit.com/drawing/@barrysamways/drawing-steemians-jerrybanfield
I was in a seven year... LEARNED NOTHING NEW...
¯\_(ツ)_/¯Beautiful story. Really touched me. I have 4 children and have experienced similar situations. The atmosphere can sometimes be quite explosive. And I often fail to see things from the perspective of my wife. But I'd like to develop the same reconciling attitude you describe.
nice story
Upvote & Follow! ;)
The good thing about getting older is you get more chill in the sense that you just don't have the energy to expend trying to set another argumental bridge on fire... more often you just step back 'n put the matchsticks back in your backpack and keep on the trail. (-:
You are good at connecting. Nice conclusion, ends happy ever after
Excellent post Jerry thank you for always sharing
Hi ! Your Article is really interesting but teaches us many lessons of life .Hope to get more stuff from you which could add more experiences in our important aspects of life .
A very good post.👍
@jerrybanfield
Hang in there bud, you're good dude you'll be fine. Relationships are tough, and children are even tougher but everything in stride and things will be alright.
(I haven't figured out the thumbs up emoji on my desktop but it would go here if I did)
Great story @jerrybanfield
hmmm yes.... that's where the healing process steps in.
....aaaaah there it is! :)
There are VERY few people (that I have met anyway) that are so HONESTLY introspective as what you are and I REALLY enjoy it! it it raw and real! It will not appeal to everybody, but that is of NO consequence! It will make sense to those that are genuine of heart.
Keep Rocking!!!! :)
Thank you very much for sharing it! could be very helpful in the normal people's life!
really thank you, it is very helpful!
Emotional story. It's always the little things that make the big difference.
Doing the right thing is often the hard thing. A fellow PI I know, Larry Kaye, likes to close his YT videos with, "Do the right thing even if it's the hard thing."
Relationships take a lot of work, and they are sometimes very difficult. Strong people will make them work though. They will stay committed to each other and do the right thing.
It is also part of the warrior's code. They keep their word and are honorable.
Dude, I just love your videos and post, mostly videos lol I am biased towards videos because i make them, so naturally... I hope I can be a great as you on this site some day! Cheers :D
"just admit you're wrong in the middle of an argument". Yes! Or just simply stop and think twice before you say something that you will be sorry for afterwars as othervise its a circle of shouting, putting exaggerated arguments which does not lead to anything good. You are strong Jerry, it is not easy to behave the way you did..so adult! :-) Have a great day!
jerry you looking very young nice photo
i've been following you for some days now and i really can see how you are working hard to share your knowledge with the community
@jerrybanfield, i just voted you as a WITNESS.
I've been over six years with my husband, married for 3, and it'S true, we learn so much from evolving together and on how to communicate and understand each other better. It's wonderful when we can evolve like that together and grow as individuals, but together :)
Wao brother who cute story, very good post
Wow nice Story........,,,,,,,,//////
I have no bunghole!
good post,, very nice. keep it @jerrybanfield
if you like about poetry visit my post @magicbone172. help me to Upvote and Resteem please. :)
https://steemit.com/poetry/@magicbone172/5-poems-about-women-who-need-to-be-heard
Human being... So easy to let little things climb in irreversible conflict. And some times so hard to succeed taking conscience of that, above all in the action. Even if in most of the cases every one have his part of guilty, always better to keep calm and try to defuse the situation... The first who can.
Life can be a succession of wonderfull moments, with others less, right, but I definitivly don't understand how we can let us embark in upset situations, that ones which make see the life as trouble and with hatly for others. More than hurting others, we also keep us in a bad mind state...
Had the chance one day to read a book from a contempory mexican chaman, writing about our conscious, and brain creations. First idea was that we need to don't take personnaly the bad things, even if it seem's be personnal, we also can take distance with problems, to see them under their true face : successions of bad feelings, sad mind pass, and ambiente agravation, puting us act without conscience of all. Above all in small things in road the be big deals, like get angree against your wife because she is in a hurry, where above all the combinacion of the lose of your materiel, more others geting in an apparent 'big trouble'. In reality, like you said, material and money isn't so important, anyway no such as your couple if you went to make a family together...
This kind of philosophy helped me to to understand my self and the others, and try to keep cool (a come back cool as soon as possible) in this situations. Sure it's can be difficult, but it seems you are both in a good way to success to have a peacefull life. Anyway, beautifuly writed and such a good idea to share it to grow the collective conscience.
Now to be honest, like you said it's difficult (make me finish on an other way... less peaceful...) but we have too, I have to explain my opinion of a detail of your story : the place.. I totaly agree that making children discover animals is a greatfull thing, but the way we do, puting them in cages for our pleasure seems to me bad consideration... I know there is no other way to see camels salvages in your country... But maybe your daughter will traveling for Afrika one day, see them in their natural place, isn't better than condone closing them for life ?
Done. Thanks for reading me, and again for sharing this piece of life. Wish you a beautifull family life and good continuation here on steemit, seems going well 😉A little picture in the them to close it "Together on a Flower":
sir i give you my with ness vote
Great Story..!!!
I can tell you love lemons!
Hey @jerrybanfield...I have a suggestion that will (without a doubt) bring you to another level. INTERACT WITH THE BANFIELD BANDWAGON. You know you have a loyal following, but for some reason you avoid the interaction. Get real through direct comments and DM and things will change. Someone like Gary Vee is a good example of what happens when you fully engage.