Some time ago I started a nofap journey but I haven't been very disciplined at documenting it, mainly due to the embarrassment I feel when talking about these things. It might be silly but I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one who feels discomfort from it.
Anyways, I've had some good weeks and then relapses. It's haaaard to keep away because it''s so easy to get a fix from porn, any time I'm feeling anxious it's the first thing that comes to mind.
Lately I've come across something that has proved helpful. Every time I get an urge, I tell myself these five things and I make sure to go thoroughly through them, no fast forward or anything.
By the time I'm done repeating this, I no longer want to relapse, so it's pretty effective. Thought I'd share this in case it's helpful for someone out there.
Five things to remember before you watch porn
You are about to train your brain to see sex as something that needs no context, and therefore invalidating the real life social interactions that come with it. This reinforces seeing life through a sexualized filter which increases social anxiety and detriments relationships.
If you're a guy like me, there's a chance you do this to relieve stress and lower anxiety. If so, it's unlikely you prepare and do some warm up, lubricate your tool, and give yourself time to gradually ease into it. By going on a hurry about this, you're literally hurting your penis and we shouldn't be doing that, on the contrary we should care for it and be grateful for all it allows us to experience.
Porn lowers your endurance on real life sex and also decreases your drive. The more porn you do, the less hard you get.
Just like drugs, porn overstimulates the rewards system of the brain, giving you a big high but at the the cost of a big low afterwards. This messes with your emotions and makes them less stable.
Semen has the power to create life. Think well if you want to throw that away into seeing other people get laid, instead of using this energy to get yourself laid for real, or transform it into something creative instead. You can also channel it into spiritual power.
Porn isn't good or bad, it just is. However, in my case it's necessary to quit it for two main reasons: it has shown to have control over me as I haven't been able to put it down, and also because I have a lot of sexual intrusive thoughts which I can't even begin to describe how miserable this makes my life feel.
I don't talk about it much but it's a huge issue and one that takes a lot of my energy, as well as the possibility of being happy. It literally screws up almost any social situation and makes me feel only at ease when I'm with a sexual partner, which isn't healthy because it makes me depend heavily on that person.
Anyways, with porn being the most consumed content on the internet, I can't be there only one dealing with this, even if most people choose to remain silent about it. So, to you silent reader who relates but will abstain from commenting out of embarrassment, I wish you strength and courage. Let's beat this shit and fix our lives.
True words
Thank you for writing this. I have not yet made the commitment to quit porn completely, but I'm glad to be down to watching once a week. The thing that troubles me most about watching porn is that the dopamine overload can actually burn neurons in one's brain. Fuck that. Not worth it. And it does remove the motivation to actually go seek out a partner, and having a partner would be healthier for all sorts of reasons. ... I don't think this is something that we should feel shame in talking about. It's an issue everyone in our modern society is dealing with in some way, whether you are a man watching or a woman dealing with men conditioned by it. It needs to be talked about and we need to come to terms with it.
Hey, thanks for reading. You're right it does involve everyone in some way or another, yet it's a conversation we keep avoiding. I was actually reluctant to post this but now I don't regret it seeing as it opens a space for expressing something we usually carry in silence. Wish you lots of willpower to be in control and use or not use as much as you want, as long as you're not controlled by it
Thank you for writing this post about an issue that clearly is difficult for you to share. So I would like to respond by relating how I feel about porn, hoping to make it less of an issue. Though it may be the exact opposite from what you wrote.
See, I never really understood porn. That is, I could see how much people got into it, tons of them too, but it always failed to have the same effect on me. Kinda like gambling, which I've tried numerous times too, without getting much excitement out of it either.
One reason I don't like the concept of porn is the commercialization of what may be the most sacred kind of human interaction. That's also the reason why prostitution is a total turn off for me.
Masturbation on the other hand I have always enjoyed. However every time I tried masturbating to porn I soon ended up closing my eyes, as the porn always got in the way of my imagination. Can you call sexual fantasy porn? In a way yes, but still there is a huge difference.
Did it screw with my relationships? Hard to say. Lots of times when I shared my fantasies with my partner it ended up enhancing the sex... sometimes! Other times it had the opposite effect. But outside the sexual contexts (that is in all other life situations) I didn't feel it affected me one way or another.
Then there's this issue about stress relief, which I think is pretty horrible. Thinking about it, I've known a number of people (boys and girls) who use sex with their partner(s) in the same way, with comparably awful results. But I can say the same thing about eating, drinking, shopping, etc. merely for the same purpose.
Finally, my own experience with sexually intrusive thoughts: Somehow I feel that they tend to be most common when I DON'T have sex (either with someone or just myself). And they can be set off even by looking at a large high-res. image of a raspberry at the supermarket, or just a cactus in my windowsill. (Yes, I know, I am quite weird like that.)
Now that I read over what I've written I'm not even sure how useful or even appropriate my comment is. In the same way I would never tell an alcoholic that I do not have a drinking problem. However I still think it's important to talk about the issue, looking at all aspects from all angles. The last thing I want to do is being smug about it, and I'm sorry if that's how my comment came across. Though in some way there may be some hidden parallels, which would be great to discover.
Hey no worries, love your comment and that you took the time to share your experience. It makes me wonder though what makes a person be prone to having an addictive relationship to porn and what makes you be so inmune to it...
My first experience was on a disk a classmate lent me with some music and it had hentai images of demons abusing beautiful girls. The adrenaline rush was intense and from there on I didn't stop consuming this kind of thing until I became more aware of what I was actually putting into my mind. Nowadays I avoid this rapy demon stuff but it's something I have to consciously resist because I know I would enjoy it if I gave in.
Maybe it has to do with past lives and our souls? Perhaps you're more pure than I and many other men? Maybe I'm a a demon and refuse to acknowledge it? Or perhaps it has to do with the way sex was treated around the house... How would you say your sexual education was and do you consider you grew up in a peaceful environment? Perhaps those are factors too.
Those intrusive thoughts are funny haha, mine are usually the most twisted socially incorrect possibility in the room so it can be really painful.
Cool! So let me continue sharing:
My first experience with porn was as a 12 year old on a class trip. One of my mates had a titty magazine (barely harder than Playboy) that all the guys were drooling over. Our teacher came over to see what the fuss was all about, but instead of confiscating it, like we thought he would, he just remarked: "Guys, this is like licking the outside of a closed jelly jar!" I remembered it well because as funny as it was, it resonated with how I felt too.
My sexual upbringing: knowing all body parts by their medically correct names, as well as where babies came from, by the time I was in first grade. (No surprise with two MDs for parents.) As for all the rest, this is all I was told: "Do what feels good, don't feel bad about it, but please don't discuss it (with us)!" Hahaha, that may be why I enjoy talking about sex so much, and not even for a turn-on either.
As for peaceful, I'd say a definite yes. How about your sexual upbringing at home and among peers?
Hahaha, tentacle hentai! That stuff makes me laugh, simply because it's so weird, while once again so many people take it so seriously. What I do like about it, is that it offers a window into a completely different culture. And after the cactus and the raspberry I'm really in no position to judge.
Finally, one word about addictions: while porn and gambling don't do a thing for me, and alcohol and tobacco I've managed to handle quite well (even though I come from a long line of smokers and drinkers), there is one thing I know I am highly addictable to: computer and video games. I mean like Big Time! As a teen I have pulled several overnighters with trying to reach the next level, and consequently not only failed exams, but actually (ironically) stood up girlfriends where even sex may have been likely. Good news: I have been clean for 24 years. The only question that remains is: Why this addiction and not another one?
That was a pretty cool teacher!
From reading your story I can see a lot of differences. In my case my father tried to control me from a young age, even when I didn't even think about masturbating and all I dreamt of was Pokemon falling from the sky he was already lecturing me on that masturbation was bad for me.
Then he came up with the idea of using parental block on the computer. We didn't talk about it, no education, just repression. I guess that really increased the adrenaline of watching porn because I had to get sneaky and crafty to find pathways around the control system.
I get the video game addiction, had that as well. Now I still play every once in a while but no overnights, and there's just so many other things to do that there's just no time to get deeply hooked as before.
Back to porn, my case it wasn't only tentacle hentai though, there are deeply psychologically disturbing things in the world of hentai, usually related to manipulation and rape. At one point I begin to question what the hell I was watching but I still wonder what makes a young person feel so attracted to that. Why not something more romantic and loving?
My house was a place of violence and fear. Not every day, but a lot of days. I'm starting to believe there is an association on the content consumed and that home environment, so thanks for the talk, it clears some things up.
Also, among peers its very violent here in Chile, either you put on a defensive stance or get bullied. Very binary. Either you want to painfully fuck every woman around you or you're gay and victim to bully. Well, at least that was how it was during my childhood. I always had an interest in spirituality and my mother taught me to see girls as equals, so I was obviously in the gay bullied section. Things seem to be changing but that was the way it was.
I'm sorry to hear about your home environment. Yes, you may be right that it could have an affect on what excites you.
I once had a girlfriend who got really turned on by abuse. Never the physical type, but when I was being emotionally mean to her. At first I found it a bit disturbing, but once we discussed it rationally it became a great foreplay-roleplay, and then it was actually loving and romantic.
And indeed, she also complained about her mom who was evil, manipulative, and supposedly enjoyed hurting her. But then again, most people I knew had similar issues with their parents. So no science here, just subjective impressions.
I'm also pretty aware of what repression can do, making people feel guilty of their bodies or their individual likes and dislikes. Here in Mexico I keep encountering religious repression even among the most enlightened families.
Still, I don't think what you described means that you're a demon, nor do I see myself as particularly pure. Actually I'm happy to hear you overcame a habit that was obviously bad for you, and I keep my fingers crossed for you to continue in the same direction.
That's an interesting roleplay, never had anything similar and don't know how I'd react, but things can be surprising as your story tells
Thank you 🙏 you just keep being awesome, thanks for the talk
Did you ever watch the movie Don Jon?
Nope, just checked out the trailer and seems worth a watch
Porn is a silent killer, and I wish more voices like yours will take it upon themselves to continue speaking up even when every one else remain silent... Thanks a lot for this @fenngen