Jumping into the deep end of a pool is an exhilarating experience, and is quite symbolic of the ups and downs of life.
As you jump in, the buoyancy of the water immediately pushes you up; the same effect is felt with one's spirits lifting when experiencing the joys of life.
But, when someone unexpectedly pushes you off the edge of the deep end, water rushes into your lungs and you feel like you're drowning.
The waves of grief hit hard when losing your soulmate, taking you through rough seas into unknown waters. Staying afloat becomes a daily struggle.
I often feel like a fish out of water, gasping for air, while trying to live this 'new normal,' which inevitably is the lot of many couples, but I did not expect it to be this soon!
Is the time ever right?
My man still had so many unfulfilled dreams, wanted to suck out every bit of life, with me at his side. I feel kind of cheated and immensely sad as those dreams hit me in the face as I walk around the house, and in the garden.
The job of clearing out is being done bit by bit, often left half-done when it gets too much; there is no deadline for that task, after all!
I'm becoming used to going through a weird whirlpool of emotions – how can laughter suddenly turn into sobbing, and then anger, and endless questions?
'Why now!'
If only I could turn back the clock! Thoughts of 'I should have seen it coming' to 'If only I had encouraged him to seek help sooner.' Yet I know that dwelling on 'should' and 'if only' leads down a path of self-destruction.
The realization that nothing will bring back the love of my life, takes my breath away; I literally feel like I'm drowning at times, and will never float up again.
The only comfort I have now, is that my man lived a full life, despite the ravages of being a diabetic from the tender age of 7, and that he's been spared the indignity of having to depend on others.
He drove himself to the hospital as he was 'feeling fine' that morning. I drove back home, and he never returned!
Medical professionals have pointed out that he was remarkably fortunate to have enjoyed such a long life, unusual for long-term diabetics. He was seven when he contracted it, and treatment options were not as advanced as it is today. Remarkable also that the triple bypass grafts done twenty-one years ago exceeded their lifespan by more than twofold, but sadly, his cardio-vascular system began to show the effects of time and a life lived with fluctuating glucose levels.
I am told that time heals, and at times am finding the strength within, that everyone talks about, but the pain never goes away.
I am slowly starting to resurface again, thanks to amazing friends and family, and the very essence of life itself!
Lyrics by Leonard Cohen and Garcia Lorca
...A garland of freshly cut tears...
Now that the visitors, the flowers, and the food that precious friends have been providing in abundance, have stopped, and I've managed to get most of the legalities in motion, I hope to be here more often.
Blogging has a way of diluting the intense hurt, so please bear with me, I am not on a self-pity journey, I am merely trying to put down in words how I am trying to process this awful journey we all have to face one day!
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Lizzie, take your time. I can imagine it being a tough journey now and that you feel you're alone. Except you know you are never on your own. I'm sure your friends and family are always on the other end of the phone line or a short drive away. And whenever you are in need of a virtual chat, you know where to go, there's always going to be someone for you 24 hours a day.
Take care 💞
Hi Pauline, thank you so very much for those words. I've been overwhelmed by the love of friends, family & even acquaintances telling me of the positive impact Arthur had on them. It's good to know I have virtual friends here 24/7.💞
You are one strong woman, Lizelle. I think blogging throughout the grieving process will help immensely with the phases of processing. The important thing is the emotions are released. One day at a time.
I don't feel strong...
But I totally agree with you Eric, putting my feelings into words helps a great deal. Brought on the tears afterwards, followed by a kind of acceptance. Till the waves come back again, but I'm sure they will get smaller over time.
Thank you for caring 💞
You're welcome my friend.
Oh, dear Lizzie:(
Writing always helps us to vent our sorrows.
It is a new life that you certainly never asked for, but circumstances have put in front of you. I hope that the inner strength to move on doesn't leave you. And that the pain that doesn't go away, at some point will be camouflaged in the memories of the full and happy life you had with your Arthur. 🤗
You've put it so beautifully Eli, I feel so weak and lost at times, but thankfully many of those happy memories are stored here in Hive, and for that I am so very grateful.
Thank you also for keeping the SBC ship afloat, you & your fellow Mods are doing a sterling job while Fiona & I both are treading water 💞
Processing takes time, take as much as you need.
Being able to sit down and write ones emotions down is a strong way to understand yourself.
Emotional waves never really leave, perhaps the tide becomes more gentle, but the swells still tear us apart.
!LUV
!LADY
Hi Joan, it really is the most difficult journey I have ever faced. So unexpected as he was looking so good the day before!
Nevertheless, I have to pick up the pieces and move forward, and being able to put into words how I feel, does help me make sense of everything.
Thank you for understanding, this is exactly how I feel and I do hope the tide indeed becomes more gentle!
Love and thoughts with both yourself and Fiona coming to grips with life as it is now.
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Thank you @hivebuzz!
All good @lizelle! You're a true Hive champion! Onward to that new goal!
❤️ dont put pressure on you dear ❤️ If you feel good writing, this is perfect to sort things out.
Maybe there we're some dreams not fulfilled, but for sure as I read in your lines, his most important dreams have become true. Also 😘 Hope this makes you smile, because I think he was a man never running out of new dreams, wich is wonderful.
!LUV
I've been blessed by having a man with visions of making our lives and those of others more beautiful 🥰
❤️🙏❤️
Insert exactly what you want me to say. Whatever the words are, in any order you want, this says that.
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You're a wonderful woman Lizzie. I know it's pretty hard for you emotionally right now but I'm sending all my love to you. You'll be strong and you'll get through this and any time you fully return, we'll be waiting for you to cheer you on. Stay blessed.💜🌺
Thank you for your encouragement @jhymi, it's a tough journey but one that I will survive with the support of family and friends, even my virtual friends here on Hive🙏🏻
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I can’t imagine what you have gone through and I pray and wish you all the best that this world could offer.
Healing takes time and while I might just be an internet stranger, i want you to know that my heart goes with you.
Thank you for your words of comfort @beerbod, it's good to know that there are people out there, even internet strangers, who do care 🙏🏻
I am sorry for your loss! I hope God gives you strength and comfort to face your pain. Death is very painful, a few weeks ago I lost my grandmother in death, we knew that at any moment that painful moment could come. But still you don't prepare yourself for that pain, you don't accept it!!!.
Hope and memories are a great help to continue in the fight, we are alive and it is our turn to live.
How would that person we love like us to live? ♥️🙏
I congratulate you for the courage to write, it was beautiful writing. Greetings @lizelle ♥️
Thank you for sharing your journey with the loss of your grandmother @elizpc! I don't think one can ever be prepared.
And I do agree with you that the ones we've lost would want us to continue making good new memories, even though they are gone.
I appreciate your kind words!
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Take all the time you need Lizzie, we are all here thinking of you.
!LUV
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! help(no space) to get help on Hive. InfoThank you Ed, I really appreciate the caring from you and all the SBC team, it's been so good knowing you're all keeping the ship afloat while Fiona & I are facing stormy waters 💞
That is what being a team is all about Lizzie, we all know you would do the same for us.
Sorry in advance, I want to ask you what I can post in this community, maybe I can participate too
If you read the comments in this post, you'll see a mod here. Maybe be a bit more considerate and ask him instead
Okay, thanks for the suggestion
I also think in the same way that waves in the sea are like ups and downs of the life
So very true!
Definitely with time, you would become better. You get take as long as. I can’t say i understand how you feel right now. But you will be fine☺️☺️
I can't imagine what you are going through, no one expects that loved one to be gone forever.
I just feel your pain and it makes me very sad, I would never want to go through something like this.
i can only pray for you that you will soon relieve your sorrow and that the beautiful memories that you lived with arthur will be the ones that stand out and make you feel better.
Hi @carolinacardoza, I'm trying to remember all the good memories and forget about the hospital. He made me so very happy!
Thank you very much for your kind words, I really appreciate it xxx
I am so sorry to read this sad news @lizelle.
As I lost a husband, there is no comforting words that I can think of...
Everyone griefs differently.
Glad you have the support of family and friends.
Will think of you.
Hi @hope777, sitting here scrolling through older posts and I only now see your very kind words, thank you!
I'm so sorry that you also lost your husband, way too soon I imagine, it's the most painful experience, I never expected it to be this difficult.
Take care and a big hug to you as well💞
This is the saddest news. I didn't know about your loss, @lizelle. I'm so sorry, and I hope you'll find solace, a silver lining, for our beloved never leave us. One must, however, cry so many tears as we try to cope with their physical absence. I can't imagine what is like right now for you, having to realize that life actually goes on even though one is stuck in time; time is never right, my friend. All my love and consideration for you, as much as I can send over from the other side of the screen.
Hi @marlyncabrera, I'm sooo sorry I only saw your reply now. Thank you for the beautiful message of encouragement, everything you say is exactly what I'm still experiencing. It's the physical presence one misses so much, not being able to talk, ask questions, tell him about good and bad stuff I've encountered, even about all my aches and pains. It's just the worst loss I've ever experienced.
Your words mean a whole lot to me, thank you my friend, yes, the time will never be right💞
You're most welcome, dear @lizelle. It's all good.
It's never too late for gratitude. I hope some of mine finds its way to you today ❤️