A year ago the universe rearranged itself. The stars moved over a nanometer. The moon blinked and blinked again, as if it couldn't believe it's position in the sky. The sun draped itself in a blanket no one else could see but that transformed the hues and tones of the world.
My heart stopped beating and I forgot how I could love others. How paralysing it was to lose you. The love I felt for you had no where to go that I understood or wanted it to. It's only now, a year on, that I find myself in love with my husband again. Perhaps I was so busy adjusting to the new universe I had forgotten what it was to feel properly within it.
There was only one consistencies in this new world: the ocean. The day after, I sobbed my heart out in the salt and everyone I knew let me take the waves I wanted, because all humans lose fathers. I would drown and drown and drown. Every time I came up. Sometimes your ghost would be walking toward the shore of the water as I looked toward the land. I spent all of February swimming, raising money for cancer. Sometimes the current tugged violently, sometimes the seaweed tucked itself between my legs and around my ankles, sometimes I floated. Once the sunrise was so fucking beautiful and the rearranged clouds so fucking pretty I wailed.
I would talk to you in the car. I began to call your presence Ghost Dad. You weren't there. How ridiculous it is that people say such things. They don't know. They aren't there. They just aren't. But we can imagine ghost fathers and ghost mothers and ghost lovers in this world of earthly longing.
I couldn't listen to your music. The notes would form themselves like a bow of razors over the strings of my insides.
A year.
I have bought a house by the seaside. I have learnt to knit. I have refound friendships with people I had forgotten. I have a beautiful relationship with my Mum - see, we are looking after her like we promised. I have realized there is absolute joy in this new world just as there was in the old one.
Look at the irises, about to bloom again. The wattle birds racketing in the dawn. The walk down to the river and the gum trees and the wattles splashing yellow about like some mad painters.
I play music and dance around the lounge room. I sing.
You would love it here, Ghost Dad.
With Love,
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The universe is still changing. It will continue relentlessly until it has nothing left to change. Then perhaps it can rest.
May you be, as they say in European nations "upright and not crying"
Thankyou. I am, most of the time x
This is gorgeous, River. I am so happy you found joy ever present, always there to reach out and take hold of.
I can't believe it's been a whole year!
It's crazy how time flies on Hive as it does in real life. I'm sure you feel similarly with your own grief - time passes, and you don't miss or love them less, just it hits different and you find life good after all.
Like stars in motion, things don't remain the same. ✌️💛
Yes, even sadness, which we always must remember.
!LADY
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<3 beautiful reflection. Sending you a hug, my dear.
Warmly and lovingly received x
And each year, as you realize the anniversary is coming, he will be there.
For some reason, this year around the double anniversaries, I felt him around more strongly that since he died. And it's nearly 5 years...
❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Beautifully written River, I can't believe it's a year already!
Our world indeed changes when losing someone so close, but is it not wonderful when we find ourselves in a new kind of world, one where we often REALLY see things and appreciate the little things in life.
Ghost Dad is very proud of his little surfer girl, that I'm sure of.
He was really proud of me. I am sure you understand when I say I worried I wouldn't have any one lovee so unconditionally but that's not true.
I know you've suffered your own loss and gone on to find joy - I hope Mum does too as she finds everything a bit colourless without him.
I totally understand! I felt almost 'abandoned' in the beginning, thoughts like 'how dare he leave me'! That feeling came and went! I know I will never find a love like that again, but am super blessed with wonderful friends and family who have helped create this new 'world' for me. I am sure your Mum will find a different kind of joy as well!
Time heals and takes the edge off the pain, just like a wound, and while it takes longer for some, one thing that doesn't go away, is the missing!
That's a beautiful tribute. Pretty sure your father would be happy to read that.