Every year, we say to our son that we 'can't believe we are getting rid of that annoying 4 year old/25 year old' whatever year he is - and it's a joke, because we love him whatever age he is. This year, I texted him that we couldn't believe that we were getting rid of that 'annoying 28 year old'. Crikey. He's flippin' TWENTY NINE!!
Time is a rubber band. My internal sense of time doesn't always keep up with reality. How can he be twenty nine when I'm only twenty one?
I still hold him in multiple versions at once. The small kid obsessed with Lego, the guitar playing quiet and often grumpy teenager making faces at the camera, the man with a nearly 4 year old now, off to work this morning with his new knitted jumper, gifted by his long term partner. One version of him doesn't replace the other - I'm seeing little J inside him, a kind of Russian Doll perhaps. My brain goes wibbly wobbly timey wimey.
It’s that rubber band thing. The years compress and curl in on themselves. Whole stretches collapse into a handful of vivid, technicolour moments - his tiny foot in the small of my hand as we slept, his flannel pajamas with airplanes, him reading me Dahl's 'The Twits' in the back of the car on the way to Scotland. Meanwhile, the actual length of time it took to get from there, a little boy eating Weetabix, to here, where on Facetime his son sits there and eats Weetabix and listens to us sing happy birthday, just disappears.
And if he's that fucking old, so am I, if not - older. How did that happen? Inside are all the messy bits that were always messy, and the tidier bits I've earnt. More happiness, more consistently. Sometimes you're a better grandparent than a mother, because all the messy shit in the rubber band's potential has been flung off as the rubber snaps back and into place. You might not have the energy for parenthood, but you have the headspace, the attention, the patience.
I know logically that there are all of these hidden parts of my son I cannot hope to understand. He's not mine, he's not even who I have constructed him to be - he's this unique, individual, beautifully formed version of himself, an adult, independent. I can't take credit for who he is, because he always was who he was - calm, intelligent, measured, steadfast, hilariously dry. I see who he is as a father and admire him deeply for being so undeniably present, loving and true, and I admire his refusal to buy into the need for a well paid white collar job and 'be happy', but instead do what makes him happy.
But at the same time, I remember hiding behind posts in Vienna saying 'can you see me' in a hilarious running joke, him timid when he met an actual night at Praha castle, him crying when our plane left because he'd miss his grandparents, him having the only tantrum he ever had and us laughing about it, him learning to read by connecting letters on the London circle line, him shoving Lego spaceships in my face when I first woke up, him playing guitar whilst I made dinner.
There was never any annoying version of my boy - I loved, and still love, all of them at once, stretched and compressed in the rubber band of time.
With Love,
Are you on HIVE yet? Earn for writing! Referral link for FREE account here
Congratulations @riverflows! You have completed the following achievement on the Hive blockchain And have been rewarded with New badge(s)
Your next target is to reach 49000 comments.
You can view your badges on your board and compare yourself to others in the Ranking
If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word
STOPCheck out our last posts:
What a wonderful written testiment to your son. He is obviously something special. They grow up so fast, start their own lives, and become so independent. It makes me sad in some ways. But more proud than anything. My oldest is around the same age as yours. So I felt this a great deal.
I like the Russian Doll reference. That is what it is seems like with both our boys.
Awww yes he is a good lad. Never gave me trouble and is a good husband and father, plus he has a sharp af wit that makes me laugh. How lucky we are !
Same with my boys. Never any trouble to speak of. Oldest is a husband, neither fathers yet. Both have dark sense of humor. Much like their father. We are so lucky my friend. for sure, there is no doubt.
you will make an amazing granddad!
You know, sometimes you are so ridiculously poetic with words I cannot help but be enthralled. I especially loved this one.
Ha really??? 😀 I have to reread it as I entirely forgot what bollocks I wrote!
Says the One Who Doesn't Know How To Take A Compliment... 😂
I know! How did I get to this achey, slow moving older person?? I should be 40, or 50 at least. And my son is now 35... and my "grand-nephew" will be 3 in August and have a baby sister just born!!
Just yesterday I was telling Tom (who will be the grandpa), as we contemplated the pasture garden, that it had been 10 years!! since I had done the New Herb garden by myself. Sigh....
Time is a bit of an asshat sometimes isn't it???
No kidding!!!
❤️
Motherly love.
It must be great to have a mother word her love for you in such a beautiful way.
Our parents' generation seems to struggles a lot to use the words: (I) love you. My mom still can't but she shows her love in different ways.
Congratz with your almost 30 year old (not) annoying son!
Funny, I think it's just people. My parents never said it but I knew I was loved. I said it a million times. Still do. Love you!
Happy birthday to the wee man and of course a woman is always 21. Time does not stand still though. I wonder how you will feel next year when he is the big 3-0!
Omg I'm going to freak out!
That's an incredibly beautiful tribute to your son and motherhood there. Thank you so much for sharing it!
Shockingly, I do connect to so much you say there. Not in that time frame, a little less. Right now, it's still every year that's so absolutely different from the year before, even half years. Only 10 years left and she's 18! Can't believe it... Next year is half time. Oh my...
So glad that you keep all those memories so cherished - and happy birthday to your son! May he enter the 30 with pride next year!
I think there's nothing like parenthood to make time all wonky! Xx