That lump in your throat that hits you at the most unexpected moment. Where you are calm in your room and suddenly, you can't feel your breath. Your heart races, panic sets in, thousands of questions ring in your head in less than a minute. You feel the world come to a standstill, you feel the worries come to you and you don't know how to control them. You decide to calm down, let go of the cell phone, practicing your breathing, feeling your heart accelerate faster and faster. You become agitated, the agony begins, you feel helpless to remember the people who hurt you. You ask yourself: Am I really over it? Have I moved on as I think I have? You try to deceive yourself, you lie to yourself saying that you will move on when you know that it is difficult to let go and without that, without leaving what hurts you behind, it is impossible to move forward.
Today I experienced one of the things that for me, are among the most horrible things a human being can experience. I was lying on my bed, talking with a friend about a small uncertainty, seconds later, the attack took over my mind and my body. I couldn't stop crying, I wanted to scream, I wanted to run away, I wanted to finish healing once and for all all the pain I carry inside. I did not understand anything of what was happening, if I knew what a panic attack was, if I had experienced anxiety, but it had been months since I had experienced it again, it was terrifying. As best I could, I wanted to overcome this alone (I do not recommend it, if you can get help, do it). I let go of my cell phone so I could control my breathing, I let my feelings take over me, I allowed myself to cry, I hugged myself tightly until the calm came, until the storm passed. I was afraid, very afraid, I must confess that I am terrified of being alone, I do not know how to be alone, no matter if the company is friends, a fleeting love or even my cat, I like to feel warmth and the simple fact of imagining loneliness in a matter of seconds, defeated me.
There is a part of me that refuses to accept reality, that part of me that refuses to change. That has lived in less than 4 months such abrupt changes that still does not end to assimilate, although many of them have been for the better, to move forward and let go, questions of these changes remain in my head. A year ago, I was in a relationship, I lived almost 3 years with a person who, I do not know if I remember with affection or with repudiation. Four months ago, I was still in contact, either to remember anecdotes or to work together. It is good to be able to say that I have let go of that fleeting love that taught me the meaning of love, what to do and what not to do when you are in a couple. I can't remember him with hate, even if we have lived tragedies and I experienced the feeling of a broken heart with that person, I prefer to feel peace in my heart, I prefer to wish him all the success in the world, it doesn't matter if he keeps filling his mouth with pests to look good, we both know the mistakes we made, otherwise, I'm not interested in other people's opinions.
This year I met a person who made me understand the value I deserve, that I don't deserve half-hearted love from anyone, not even my friends. That person who turned my world upside down and I enjoyed every second with him. I learned that I shouldn't allow myself to be trampled on, that I shouldn't allow nefarious acts and reckless words from those who are "supposed" to love me. I traveled, I laughed, I cried, I loved madly, it is inevitable not to remember 7 months with so much love. And although I do not know what will become of us at the end of the year, although I do not understand what is happening, I wish that we both achieve everything we want, that we find the happiness we are looking for. That happiness in ourselves, that we can fill our hearts in a unique way, that no one makes us feel the opposite.
It is incredible how a panic attack makes you reflect in a thousand ways, makes you understand many things. You understand what was and what is. Sometimes when you feel uncomfortable it means that you are growing, that you need more space to be you. Sometimes we have to encourage ourselves to take that step to realize that life is at that next level, I don't want to stay where I can't grow anymore.
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