My father died on September 28th, 1978. He was 60 years and 53 days old.
I was just 18 and less than a month old, at the time.
Today — October 22nd, 2020 — might look much like any other day, but it marks the point at which I have formally "outlived" my dad. I am now older than he ever got to be.
I can't explain exactly why, but somehow this day feels more significant than any of my birthdays and almost all other important dates that have come my way.
Intangibles are hard to explain. But somehow... I feel like "I'm gonna be OK" now. No, not a case of "famous last words," or "I'm better than you," either.
Our paths haven't really unfolded in similar ways. He pursued money and status; I have tried to pursue happiness. From a purely functional standpoint, he was clearly much better off than I have ever been.
Different priorities.
And yet?
Have we really been all that different?
The part of my dad very few people ever got to "meet" was the side of him that really just wanted to buy and sell antiques, and to restore old paintings. He was ultimately very creative and mostly just wanted to be left alone and not have to deal with people. Least of all with their expectations of what his life "should" be.
Which is ever so much like myself.
Sadly, I never really got to know him, as an adult. Our relationship never progressed beyond the point where I was still "a kid" and I was living at home, rather than out in the world, forging my own way.
A few months after his death I was, mind you.
I think he was happy at the end, in his own way. My parents had already been divorced a number of years, and he had partnered up with another woman who also happened to be the mother of one of my best friends from grade school.
Somehow, he had gradually become a different person, in that relationship... more relaxed, more fun to be around, not so serious, not so angry. Being away from my mother had been a good thing, for him.
I understood. Being away from my mother had also turned out (later on) to be a good thing for me.
After his passing, all I had were memories, photographs and family stories. It had been a surprise to everyone that even though he was the youngest of five siblings by 14 years, he was the first of them to "trip the lights fantastic."
My dad relaxing on the terrace at the house where he died. Taken a few weeks before his death.
He taught me many things about plants and nature; about gardening; about money and investing; and about collecting "fine and rare" things. He also taught me the value of — and appreciation for — quality things made entirely by hand. I also owe much of my love of photography to him — he gave me my first "serious" camera for my 16th birthday.
And so, I take these few words to observe this "odd" moment, and commit it to the history of the blockchain.
Thanks for reading!
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Created at 20201022 14:48 PDT
0126/1353
This is a most excellent post @denmarkguy. I have a similar story about me and my daddy, but also very different.
HE was the eldest man of the 7 sibling, whereas I was the youngest of 10.
HE was born in 1914, whereas I was born in 1955, so we were effectively from different worlds, which became apparent in the mid 60's when I went the "Hippy/Flower child" route, long hair, bell bottom jeans with peace symbol, flower power patches sewed on them.
Led Zepplin, Iron Butterfly etc blasting from my room, 48" blacklight in my room for the posters covering the walls.
He was at his wits end trying to relate, and ultimately couldn't.
Mama stood between us, and all told I really had a great deal of freedom, but I wanted more. He WAS proud of me excelling at Piano
He and I were at loggerheads many times, then the unthinkable happened.
I was driving the family car in 1974, having just left church. Mama in the middle, Daddy riding shotgun.
I pulled out in front of a car I didn't see, we were T boned, the impact caught Daddy square in the chest. All ribs broken, pelvic girdle as well. Lungs punctured
Mama had 3 broke ribs and her pelvic girdle as well.
The impact caused the drivers door to pop open, I fell out on the pavement and scraped my elbow.
He lived for 3 wks and 3 days in ICU. On a ventilator so he couldn't speak
No one blamed me, but I did. Oh I spent many years seeking solace and forgiveness FOR myself FROM myself, in the bottom of the bottle.
Of course that didn't work, but as a result of those years, I lost everything.
I am only just in the last 11 yrs begun repairing my life and family relations.
Ah well, that was a lot more than I intended to write, but there it is.
Wow Jerry, that's quite a story... and quite a weight to cart around till you figured out how to process it and go forward. I can't even imagine.
My dad was born in 1918; I was born in 1960 so we both had "older" dads who struggled to understand who we were... Mrs. Denmarkguy no. 2 (the current one) really helped me see my existence in a different light; how to see my self-definition as something more/different than just my piss-poor choices. I'm still an aging hippy-dippy dude in many ways, but a little less vehement in my rejection of all things I was raised with...
It's all a journey... it's up to us to give it the meaning that affords us a measure of contentment.
Mine was turning 40, 16 years ago. I remember my mother who i didn't have much of a life with dressing older than her age, rollers in her hair.. you get three drift. I dressed my 40th thinking i was going to change like her but thankfully not and still dont at 56 :)
Perhaps the sign that we have grown is that we understand what's worth taking with us and making our own, and where we just need to create our own path.
💖💖💖🙏💖💖💖
Posted via neoxian.city | The City of Neoxian
Thanks for stopping by... nice to see that you're still around!
What a beautiful and thoughtful post. I think I would feel the same way, getting past that benchmark of my parent's age of passing. It must have been traumatic to lose him when you were only 18. Wow. It's also amazing that one of your friends essentially became your step-brother.
Life delivers some interesting milestones upon which to reflect and try to organize and make sense of who we are. Thank you for sharing yours.
Very touching. Thank you for sharing
That's a pretty auspicious day for you, for sure. I like to think that as children we inherit the best from our parents and, as parents, we try to lead our children to be better than what we are. And no one ever knows if we've ever been successful, either. Life is a very strange thing.
Your post has been voted as a part of Encouragement program. Keep up the good work!
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