This is something I have wondered about all of my life. Why do we hold back? Why do we not take more chances? Why don’t we believe we can do amazing things?
Source: Pixabay
There are many factors that shape us, of course, such as our genetics, our friends and schools and sports, activities we get involved in, how we were raised, and whether we felt nurtured along the way into becoming who we were meant to be.
I don’t blame my parents for the fact that I am not some super achiever in life, but any sane person probably would. They were emotionally unavailable people who believed we needed to do and be certain things, all of which were constructs of their choosing. They didn’t ever utter the words “good job” or “I love you.” When I played varsity soccer, they weren’t among the parents in the stands. (Yes I made the mistake of looking for them almost every time.)
They meant well. And I did know I was loved. But wow, could I have used some encouragement. I was a fundamentally shy, backward, insecure young person, with a stutter. You would never know it now, because I overcame those things over time, all on my own.
But what might it have taken for a person like me to be truly confident and amazing at life? I think it only takes a boost and a breakthrough here and there. Especially once you realize, if you’re like me, that however you started is behind you and you get to choose your path. That’s what I want to talk about.
Do you know what we can accomplish by looking backward and wishing for a different upbringing? Exactly zero. That’s right. Nothing. Nada. Zip.
Looking forward, however, and imaging a better life or a different experience, and working toward becoming a person that you are personally proud to be? That’s actually fruitful.
It's also great to just step out beyond that perceived border around you that limits your choices and experiences.
Let’s say someone gives you an opportunity to try something, and you think: “Um, well, I’m a little uncomfortable just *thinking *about it. That probably means I shouldn’t actually do it.”
Well, maybe you should. Maybe doing something that feels scary and uncomfortable is exactly what you need in order to believe you can do things that involve unknowns.
What If?
What if you just went ahead and gave it a try? I’ll give you an example. I was once in a relationship with a guy who was a huge outdoor and bicycling enthusiast. He told me he was particularly fond of an event called a Double Century.
I was all, “A what?”
He proceeded to tell me that he was going to start training for the next one, and I should too. It was a really fun event - a bicycling event that took all day… and the reason for that was because… it was a 200 mile ride.
I said no. No way. I was not going to ride a bike 200 miles in one day. No, not soon, not ever. No.
So he made me do a few 30 miles rides, since he was training and it was something we could do together. Then we did some 50 mile rides. After that it was 60, which naturally led to 75 and then 100.
By the time I rode 100 miles in a day, I thought maybe, just maybe, I could do it. So I signed up for the Double Century event.
After that, we continued training. Mostly we did 100-125 mile rides. You’d think that you have to ride 200 miles in one day to train for an event where you have to ride 200 miles in one day, but you don’t. You have to do really really long rides, so you know you’re capable of it. And you fix some things along the way, like your saddle or how you pack water, and how you fuel along the way so you don’t “bonk.” (That was our word for hitting the wall where your energy is just totally gone and you sometimes have to actually call someone to come and pick you up. Totally embarrassing.)
Source: Pixabay
To make a long story just a little bit longer, I will tell you that yes, I rode the Double Century. We started at 5:30 in the morning, rode all day, and were done about 12 hours later. I did it! And it didn't kill me. It was just more difficult by a hard-to-describe margin than my training rides. Wow, getting off a bike never felt so good! And food was never so delicious.
That’s not the whole story, though. I rode it again the next year. And the year after that. So I actually rode 200 miles in one day three times.
I never would have imagined, in my wildest dreams, that I could have achieved such a thing. And yet I did. How? I received some encouragement. I started envisioning that reality. I had a person who believed I could do it, and he didn’t just shrug and let me off the hook when I said no. He was persistent in pushing me to try something more challenging than I thought I could manage.
Ultimately, that relationship wasn’t right for me, and I have more stories to tell about that another time. But I will forever be grateful to him, because I learned how to push past my comfort level. I had those experiences and they were amazing.
I can’t tell you what you are capable of. No one can. However, it’s probably far more than you think. And you won’t know unless you give it a try.
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Sounds like you are excelling despite your parents not demanding that of you. I'm sure they are very happy with their parenting.
Yes, I'm sure that from their sweet place in heaven, they are pleased with how their five children found their way in the world. Thank you for reading and commenting, @owasco!
So, so true! My childhood was less than encouraging as well, but like you said, dwelling on "poor me" it just made me a stronger person determined not to make the same mistakes with my own family. And I need that challenge and "out of my comfort zone" feeling as well. Learning to ride a Harley was one thing my EX-husband swore I couldn't do (says he was too scared I'd get hurt 😡) but I did learn, and spent year riding my own Harley - one of the best things I ever did for myself!
That is a wonderful story, @blueeyes8960. Thank you so much for sharing that! And I think those kinds of achievements really give us the strength and imagination and bravery to do more things we might not otherwise want to do. At some point, you think "heck yeah, baby, I can do that! Or at least I will give a try!" I'm glad you found something you love, and the bravery to do it in spite of that ole naysayer!
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Hello friend @jayna
So is. If we want something we must look for it. If it doesn't work, we'll try again, and if it doesn't, we can do other things, too.
The important thing is that we are capable of doing many things and we don't know until we do them.
A hug and happy day
Yes, that is so true, @librepensadora. We don't know we can do things that seem difficult until we try! Thanks for reading my post. 😁
Wow! Kudos for those bike rides. That’s totally amazing jayna.
I can identify with less than encouragement in the childhood home. I guess it was a case of not letting one get a big ego or something?
Yes, I think back in our parents' generation that was a concern. I just feel incredibly fortunate that my siblings and I figured it out and didn't carry on that tradition! Thanks for reading my post, @redheadpei. ❤️
This is fantastic. Thanks for opening up a bit about yourself for the rest of us, had no idea you've done three 200's! That's awesome. & glad you didn't bonk either lol, thank goodness for pure sugar when you need it.
Ha ha, yeah the fuel part of the equation was interesting - a trial and error process! I'm still surprised I did it. Those days are past, but it's nice to look back. Thanks for coming by!
I agree!!! I think everyone is way more capable than they give themselves credit for!
Upped and reblogged
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Thank you so much, @dswigle!
You're amazing. God bless you. 🙏
Thanks, @wonderwop! 😊
And it's not only family. All kinds of institutions would like you to remain "normal".
The ball's in my court now, since I have somebody to teach. Ah, let me not forget myself, as well.
Good luck and have fun!
That's so true. We do get boxed in by the expectations of institutions we're involved in. Thanks for your comment, @manoldonchev!
@jayna:
Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I'm sure that I have scenarios that many people have scenarios that mimic your own, and I'm thankful you chose to share them. Best of health during these times.
I can say, however, that I feel our boundaries impressed upon us at an early age and then reinforced by us as we adapt to society. However, we can break through those boundaries at any time. It's ultimately a choice that we make, but it's not as easy as it sounds. The right conditions have to be met for us to be able to break through that window from where we're at to where we can actually go. Not everyone will make it, but everyone wonders if their life is all that will ever be.
Scholaris
Yes, I completely agree. It seems like it should be easy to make different choices and find different paths than the ones that appear to be laid out for us, but it can be incredibly difficult. I know it was for me!
Well said!
Thank you @jayna
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When we go through such experiences at a young age and even later on, we learn loads from them. We learn how not to act the same, how to show more love, encouragement, empathy or whatever we lacked.You had the strength to chose your path and understood that the best way was not to have any expectations.
Yes, everything in life is a learning opportunity, even though some of those life lessons are very painful!
It's too bad that many never feel the thrill of accomplishment or the joy of success, either because of fear or lack of motivation. For me, as I was growing up, I was aware of the absence of encouragement for anything I wanted to do, from my dad. That's really what motivated me and pushed me to have a "go for it" attitude.
It's so good that you recognized that and decided to take matters in your own hands, @free-reign! You have probably seen and done and experienced things in your life you never would have otherwise, if you stayed under that cloud.
That's living, having all kinds of experiences that leave a mark on you, some positive and others not so much. But you can already tell stories that happened to you and not tell the ones of others, you went through this world and tried everything.
Learning from our life experiences and choices is one of the greatest gifts life delivers to us! Thanks for visiting my blog, @carolinacardoza!
This is amazing and inspirational.
Thank you, @shawnamawna. Glad you enjoyed it.
Challenging oneself throughout life is healthy initiative, physically or mentally facing them one by one really gives great purpose, along with self-satisfaction in achievement.
Nice to relate to others to keep setting small goals, slowly increasing to obtain bigger.
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Yes, a big challenge can be so intimidating, and even seem impossible. But when you think about the things we did as kids - learning to ride a bike with training wheels, or with a parent holding onto the seat - it's the same in all things in a way. Starting small, gaining confidence!
Some times you only need one person to believe in you - in order for you to achieve the previous impossible!!
I agree, @rynow. And sometimes (like in this case, though I didn't mention it) it takes someone goading you and making you feel like a bit of a loser for not trying it! (A story for another time... 😁)
It's amazing what we can accomplish when we come to the realization that we are not the narrative we have constructed for ourselves, isn't it?
I just can't tell you how many times in my life I've gotten in WAY over my head on something or other. That seems the way for me. Let my mouth get going then have to figure out how to back it up.
Thanks for a great post. Very thought provoking, the best kind.
Ha ha. Yes, that's the flipside, @bigtom13. We can also be over-confident. Or set our sights too high and forget that we have to climb each rung of the ladder to get to the top. Thanks for sharing that!
That's an inspiring... couple of stories haha
I always considered that I really started living when I started keeping secrets from my parents lol and doing things I'm sure they'd consider me too young to do them.
As for biking, the only time I rode my bike for more than 70Km (that's even less than 50 miles), I didn't touch my bike for three days afterwards lol Every time I as much as look at it,for those three days, the pain comes back to me :/
Oh yes, that much time in the saddle really hurts, if you haven't worked up to it. Same with running. You wouldn't run a 10k without running several 3 and 5k's first! But sometimes we forget in the middle of a pleasurable activity that we haven't worked up to it. Funny about keeping secrets from your parents. I used to do that too. I suppose every kid does. It's how you begin to separate from them and become yourself.
Totally agree. It seems you wrote about my life. The longest walk I have taken has been when I emigrated from my country Venezuela to Chile ... I still follow the walk because I live here, hahaha.
Never stop walking. It's such a wonderful and healing activity! I have discovered my love of it, and walk almost every single day. How long was your walk from Venezuela to Chile, and how long did it take? That must have been amazing, and probably frightening too.
Quite. It took me 22 days to get to the closest border in my country. After that, by bus, 9 days to Chile. The footwear did not hold. The rest of the group continued walking for two more months and they stayed in other countries.
What an incredible journey, @oneray. I know conditions in Venezuela are very very hard. I hope you have found a better life!
I have it. I can help my family right now and I'm building my own business.
Thank you for your comment, @jayna.
I really appreciate it.
So good to hear!
Wow, wonderful words of wisdom @jayna! Definitely true for me as well. Sports were completely discouraged when I was young, girls just didn't do those kinds of things. Just trying new things can be such a big boost to ones confidence, knowing you can! I'm sure you have been an amazing encouragement to your daughter, you've learned and overcome a lot! Love this post 😀
Thank you for the kind words, @birdsinparadise. Yes, things have definitely changed since we were kids! All three of my kids (two girls, one boy) all played sports and did really well. And they are all much more confident in life and in their friendships and life choices than I was. I hadn't thought about that, but it's the best possible outcome of trying to recover from feeling as a child that I wasn't really worthy. I wanted to change that when I became a parent. And mostly I didn't become my mother! Ha ha.
Wonderful experience. I like ride bicycle But I don't drive more than an hour, because the bones of my buttocks are sore for several days.😂🥴
Same here! I can't sit that long anymore. I was much younger then! Today, I have a stand-up desk for work because sitting is uncomfortable. And I have an upright bicycle, which we call a "granny bike." Ha ha. I like to ride about 10-20 miles, and that's enough these days!
You are truly an inspiration ❤️.
Thank you for those kind words, @iamjadeline!
What a wonderful story @jayna, so glad you overcame that and did the ride, and not just once at that! It is so sad what parents or sometimes even teachers unwittingly (or not) do to children. A child who is given the right encouragement from a young age will have the belief in themselves and reach their full potential without any hurdles.
Can't remember who said the following but it goes something like this:
'If we did all we were capable of doing, we would literally astound ourselves.'
So very true!
That is a great expression, @lizelle. I do think we would astound ourselves completely, if we didn't come up against fear, social awkwardness, insecurity, the sense that the uncharted territories of our lives are inherently risky, and the trepidation that comes from wondering if our parents, friends and other loved ones will approve!
Beautifully said @jayna and so very true!
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Loved it. I totally agree. Sometimes you just need that persistent person to encourage you, and then you'll do things you had never thought you could do and actually enjoy. The feeling of achievement is exhilarating.
You know it happens that sometimes, many times perhaps, parents are just too encouraging and their children do amazingly; they become those super achievers. But I've seen a lot of these children; I've had them in my classroom, and I've seen them grow up to become professionals, successful adults in general, and when the world becomes hostile and no one's around to cheer them up, they fail to thrive.
Any child that makes it to adulthood in spite of the lack of devoted parents, and gets to live a happy life (which is much greater than being a super achiever) is definitely a super achiever, paradoxically. Don't you think? (You're proof of that.)
some people just enter to your life to show you restaurants... this partner enter on your life to shown you how to try new things, good reading, visualise things its key to achieve it.