Yesterday began on a dismal note, I had three video connect appointments with a VA Therapy group, that I did not want, and had told them I did not want it, but they kept insisting.
So I dropped in on each one, and when I could verify that they were covering stuff that I already knew, I hung up and closed that browser tab.
The last one was at 12:30 pm.
These “sessions” were in relation to “Chronic Pain” where the VA tries to get you to convince yourself that you are not in pain and you do not need medication for controlling or relieving it.
Been there, done that.
Sure, I can stare at my belly button and go “OMMMMM” and I will not be in pain, but as soon as the phone rings, someone knocks on my door, I once more become aware of my pain.
If your back hurts, and you drop a brick on your toe, your back no longer hurts, until the toe stops hurting.
So fast forward to about 5 pm. I was feeling pretty good, until my phone rang.
It was the social worker for that VA Group, saying “What happened to you? I went to ask for your input and you were gone!” (she doesn't normally do the groups, but was covering yesterday)
Now, I like this lady, she is ethnically Indian, her family moved to Guyana a couple of generations ago, so I can hear no accent at all. She is young-ish, attractive, personable and seems to care.
So I answered:
“I have told you over and over I do not want this, my chronic pain has really been dealt with, I need help because I can't get to nor stay asleep. Please cancel my involvement with this group, I will not be attending”
She replied: “No, I will not cancel these appointments (three, each Monday morning)”
PTSD is a monster to have to deal with.
- I am triggered by phone calls, especially when the person DOES NOT LISTEN to me
So I lost it and started shouting (sitting in my car in the Kroger parking lot) I said some things, so that when I hung up on her, she called me back right away: “I just wanted to make sure you were alright” she said.
“STOP CALLING ME, Cancel those appointments and I will be alright” I said.
And I hung up.
Going into Kroger usually helps me to 'decompress' and it did this time as usual, UNTIL...
I got to the self checkout, where the machine seemed to be malfunctioning; when I would hit “Skip Bagging” (I have my own cart), that button would be in the process of disappearing, and right behind it is the “Pay Now” button, only I was not ready to pay.
It was acting as if I were repeatedly hitting the pay now button; why would I do that when I had unscanned items in my hand?
😡
I called the cashier over, she cleared the machine but just as soon as I scanned something else it called the attendant again, over and over, each time my inner spring was ratcheting tighter.
Finally I got finished and checked out.
When I got home, I contacted my VA friend, the one who HELPED ME get my disability claim to go through.
Earlier yesterday, I had contacted him in regards to an acquaintance on the Blockchain, who had been dropped by the VA, I was trying to help another VET. That is what we should do, right?
He gave me advice to pass on to my acquaintance.
So after Kroger, I again contacted him via FB Messenger about this person who would not cancel the unwanted appointments.
THE MAN IN THE MIRROR
My Friend, has PTSD as well, he is triggered by what he perceives as someone yelling at him.
I am often accused of shouting.
The stupid cashier at Kroger said “I'm not going to help you if you don't calm down and stop shouting”
Yes, I was angry, but I.WAS.NOT.SHOUTING!!!
My VA friend also has/had an issue with typing; Messenger, Email or Text, it is a problematic and cumbersome thing for him, so the alternative is.... wait for it....
PHONE CALLS.
He called me, while I turned over remote control of my pc so he could see my appointments on the My Healthevet website.
Now the stage was set; I have hours worth of rage and frustration pent up, and he insists on doing the one thing that (HE KNOWS) will set me off.
My tone of voice set him off, and away we went.
My “Issues” with the appointments were resolved, but he kept telling me to calm down, to stop shouting.
source
Then he started taking credit for my having gotten the disability, for my being in a better place now and being able to afford better housing and travel etc... that enraged me.
Long and short of all this; he told me to not contact him again, to use the Veterans Experience Office
He then blocked me on FB.
So here we have two sides of the same coin arguing with each other, two men facing the same demons when they look at “The Man in the Mirror” but can't stop the demons from lashing out at the reflection.
An Unfortunate Encounter
(with the man in the mirror)
by
Jerry E Smith
©07/07/2020
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These .gifs were created for me by @coquiunlimited; many thanks
(with the man in the mirror)
by
Jerry E Smith
©07/07/2020
image 1
image 2
image 3
image 4
image 5
These .gifs were created for me by @coquiunlimited; many thanks
We ran into two arguments in the past and to put it mildly you have a way with words. To put it mildly. And some of the reflections i understand, if i was the desk-clerk i would be offended to. She was just doing her job, just like the therapist , so sometimes you just have to shut up swallow the words and be aware of the fact not all of us know how to treat a vet with ptsd , keep in mind that just like you people just want to hel. Thats what i did, in discord, and i got it not deserved, it will take you a few days to see it from the other side of the mirror, I would pick up the phone and call that friend, friends are rare you should be thankful for each and any of them, and for the fact that you have a hard life we know and we wont judge, but try to see our mirror to.
Thank you for this enlightening pov @brittandjosie.
When I read your post about your day, I was only commiserating that I'd had such a day as well.
After all, we all have them, don't we?
I'm hoping that we all can get past these things and have a better life ahead.
I have gone past that i just hope you will call you friend and do the same , friend are the air you need something the vent , and do i have these days aswell , yess i have lots !
Wait, why? Why they still insisted it if you already refused? Of course, you will get mad and how could you calm down in that way?
Anyway, I'm glad that it was cancelled.
This is the PET PROGRAM of ONE Dr, who was awarded a large sum of money for "proof of concept" (or something like that) so he REALLY wants to have some positive results to show for his/his teams efforts.
I left the chats without saying good bye because the others may benefit from it (I don't think so, but who am I to make that call?) and I didn't want my negative feelings to impact the group.
I just checked again, and one of the appointments was either back, or never went away.
I tried canceling it and on the appointment page it shows canceled, but on the calendar page is still shows as confirmed @mrnightmare89. I hope it is just a lag between servers.
Thanks for commenting my friend
So that's how it was. Well, there are people that didn't think of thinking what other people feels. What's important to them are the beneficiaries they can receive.
Greedy is part of us human but not all. There are still people who could be trusted. I hope you can meet them and maybe your friend that you mentioned is honest.
and maybe your friend that you mentioned is honest.I know right? Since 2018 I've allowed him remote access to my pc many times because it was easier to just let him do stuff that try to tell me.
Most often while I was watching, I would see what he was doing and take over.
All this time I was (still am) paranoid that he may have been able to copy passwords etc... but that again is part of PTSD and depression, I definitely have trust issues.
Sounds like one rather frustrating day Jerry... but you know what... you OWNED it and that counts for a lot more. Self reflection counts for a lot! MWAH!
!tip
Thank you @jaynie. That means a lot, I am still rather in shock over the event (or rather losing that friend; I hope it is temporary)
I know I "get my knickers in a bunch" very easily, and believe it or not I work on that, but I really seem to be going downhill.
Now that I live alone in my own place, it's like I have no restrictions on my anger.
Thanks for the tip as well my friend.
Time for adaptation will take care of that. Be patient with yourself xxx
One can only hope @jaynie, and I do. The thing is, the "EVENT" that is the major source of my PTSD happened about 42 yrs ago, and I kept it hidden until 2018 when I became aware I qualified for disability and therapy because of it.
So all that time it was sitting there festering. That boil has only recently been lanced as it were, so now I am working through the original emotional pain, plus the shame, plus the years of accumulations of all of the above.
It will take time. I just hope I live long enough and I don't drive everyone away first. I'm already doing a great job of that
Even more reason to be patient with yourself xoxoxo
No you aren't ;)
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