Today is the eve of what feels like the most frigtening day of my life. I know it's not. Not really. Not if I go through the circus that my life has been and all the utterly awful things I've been through that have led me to be diagnosed with the fruit loop box of mental illnesses I've gained along the way.
Despite all these things... I've always made it through, right?
Why is it that this particular battle is hitting me so damn hard?
Because the stakes are so high?
Because I can't handle conflict?
Because in times of stress I revert back to the little girl who hides under the bed?
Because the aggressor in this situation has hit everyone of my shame triggers?
Because I lost my father and I'm terrified of turning out anything like him?
It's all of the above.
It's also because the stakes are so high. For the 1st time in my life, I have found my person. The person I've been looking for my whole life. We've built such a wonderful home for our kids and for the 1st time ever, we've all been able to breath. To feel like we've come home. To feel safe and truly loved.
The last few months have just been so hard though. From the kids losing their mom, to me losing my dad, to us losing our precious kitty Chai, to the seemingly endless issues with my disability and insurance being shitty to the final nail in the coffin, which is what I'm facing tomorrow.
I'm fighting an unfair retrenchment. Not just with anyone, but with someone who has consistently abused and lied to me. I have no idea what to expect tomorrow.
Her refusal to settle or negotiate in the conciliation process has led us to arbitration. This means that both she and I will undergo interrogation and ultimately, the court will decide for us.
I'm frightened. Not frightened of what I'm going to say because I know what happened was wrong... But frightened if her and her ability to twist the truth, be deceitful and aggressive.
Being a survivor if abuse like this means all my buttons are being pushed and I'm drowning in fear.
I know I just need to make it through... So today, I'm just trying to be kind to myself....
This blog will probably be the most productive I'll be today, and I think that's OK. I need to find a sweet spot between rest, meditation and realizing I've prepared as much as I can. I've played my hand and this is no longer in my control. I've got to let it go now.
I need to remember that whatever happens tomorrow, I still have dreams, a future, a family... And somehow I'll be OK.
Thank you to all of you for your love and support. If you find a few minutes for me today, in your own way, and whatever you believe....
@zakludick @lex-zaiya @jusipassetti @jasperdick @juliadick
Please say a little prayer for me 💜
Thinking of you and sending strength.
Thank you my friend. I'm looking forward to more coffee mornings in the weeks to come. Thanks for being so encouraging and supportive and helping me to get back on my feet.
Looking forward to it!
Also you make the best coffee like ever 😋
Sending you all the love and peace I can hun. I know it's so scary and I'm proud of you for standing up for yourself. The universe will come through for you and you will be in my prayers and thoughts xxxx You've got this and the universe has you 🙏
Thank you so much hun. You are such a wonderful friend. Whatever life throws at us I'm grateful we have eachother. ❤
Yes we've got eachother always ❤️
!Luv
!Hugz
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! help(no space) to get help on Hive. InfoGood luck! Sending tons of positive energy your way!
Thank you so much my friend! ❤
Lots of love your way my friend. It's no secret that I find each day a challenge. What seems to work for me is simply 'putting on foot in front of the other'. Prayer, nature, music and breathing serve have helped me loads. 🌻
Beautiful. Yes I'm listening to a YouTube channel on prayer and meditation. It's helping so much
Life has it's ways of dishing out trials to us, they can be very demanding but they make us stronger even though we'd rather not have these trials.
You will overcome the current difficulties and trials you are going through, it is okay to be fearful, I feel the same also but let's face our fears and do our best anyway.
It is going to be a wonderful week for you and your family.
Thank you so much my friend. Those are great words if wisdom ❤❤
You are welcome 😃
Hugs
Don't worry about tomorrow, it's just one episode in life, and in a year's time will be a minor bump. But if I can give you one piece of advice, if you've got the energy to do some work on it today, make notes and go in prepared with them. Note down the best examples of her lies and abuse, because it's terribly easy when you're in court to totally forget all the things you should have said, or for it to come out in a tangled mess. If you've got notes, you won't do that, you'll do good.
But apart from that, I know you've got this, so try to chill out so you can go in calm but determined, and have a bottle of something nice waiting in the fridge for when you get back home afterwards 🙂
Awe hun. I'm so lucky. This time around I hired a lawyer so I'm not totally alone, fumbling with evidence and overwhelmed by anxiety. I think some bubble bath and some Netflix with @zakludick will be the perfect way to end the day no matter what happens. Thank you for your kind words and good advice ❤
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Aaaah bless man. Thank you ❤