My mind is restless and it is only making me more anxious. I am supposed to focus on my breathing and let loose my thoughts, but the more I think about focusing on my breathing, the more uptight I am getting. I don’t feel like I can breathe properly and even though I am breathing continuously, my mind is telling me I am out of breath. This makes me panic internally. I need to get control of my mind, but this requires thought and I am not supposed to be thinking. So I think about not thinking. That’s not working. Ok, let me focus on my breathing then. No, I have done this already, and it made me almost claustrophobic. I need to stop panicking. To stop overthinking this all. Why can’t I just let go?! I know she is watching me and I am probably doing this all wrong. I really need to stop stressing myself out like this, but what if she asks me questions which I cannot answer. I feel incredibly insecure right now.
Those were the thoughts which perpetually looped in my mind as I lay on the floor of an unfamiliar room, with this almost stranger sitting crossed legged next to me, whilst peering down at my probably ridiculous facial expressions. The initial humiliation stirred into fear was so, very, very overwhelming and even though I had signed myself up for this experience, I was beginning to think I had totally screwed it up, began to wonder what the heck I had been thinking in the first place and also continued to remind myself that I was not supposed to be thinking at all.
Just another breath and absolutely every “conscious and anxious” thought and feeling within me evaporated into thin air. I have no adequate words to describe that moment, other than, I was “in my mind, but not my head”. I suddenly became aware of my presence in a space which was not reality and I knew that. Probably best described as some kind of regression I suppose. Like gaming in “third person” mode, I was suddenly watching myself in this strange and yet oddly familiar, “game play”.
Like it wasn’t strange enough already that I was experiencing this almost “dual consciousness” of being somewhere that I wasn’t and knowing that, I was also becoming acutely aware of the fact that I was not only seeing myself, listening and watching, but I was also feeling every single emotion my “third person player” was. It felt like real time, but was probably shorter than that, not unlike dreams.
Like being stuck in a cartoon of some kind, where you are grabbed by the ankles and swung like an elasticized body, from the one side to the other; It threw me into my past and showed me so much of what has hurt me along the way, then it slapped me into the future and made me look at everything I am passionate about being an absolute reality at that time - and lastly, it dumped me in some strange kind of alternate present, showing me, myself in ‘real scenario’, responding to certain things precisely as I should be right now, but am not.
It was a wild, weird and wonderful ride, and I was jolted out of it when I burst into tears at the internal recognition of how I had been ignoring the true voice of my “present” self. Within that space, watching, witness to and simultaneously living the moment, I was so filled with sadness and regret, shame almost, that I had been denying myself what I deserve in so many ways.
Coming out of that deep internal state which I initially doubted so greatly that I was even good enough to enter, I was completely overcome by emotion and that crossed legged stranger was no longer such. She embraced me, held me, and reminded me that I was more than ok. Reassuring me that I had simply just “unblocked a blocked drain”, so to speak. Once the intensity of emotion passed, I felt so much lighter. Brighter in fact. It was nothing short of incredible.
That was my first experience with circular breathing and it was a two hour ‘moment’ I will never forget.
Not something I had ever sought out, intended to do or even researched, but I was seeing a psychologist at the time, who was helping me through a pretty rough patch in my life, and after having had several weekly sessions, she opened up to me rather than the other way around - and told me that “focused breath work” was something she did as an alternative approach to dealing with deep seated emotional trauma.
I had no clue what I was in for, despite her grandest attempts at “filling me in” prior. I am mostly a first hand kind of person, so perhaps I didn’t really retain the pre-guidance under the assumption that I would just “handle it at the time”. Regardless, it was a life changing experience.
Perhaps you are asking - What is circular breathing?
A technique, which I learned not long after this experience, is one that has been practised by buddhist monks for centuries. Essentially, it is a breathing process where you inhale through your nose and exhale out your mouth, except you retain air in your cheeks - not unlike how a gerbil stuffs food into it’s cheeks for “later”.
I was in an environment where this technique was used for meditative purposes, but it is also quite commonly used among wind instrumentalists as well as singers, in order to create a more seamless or ‘continuous’ tone from the instrument. You breathe out the air in your cheeks and as that depletes, you simultaneously breathe in through your nose - and repeat. Practicing circular breathing for meditation or spiritual practice differs slightly though, in that there is not as much focus on the “storing” of breath in the cheeks, but rather on the fact that you are consistent and balanced in the exercise. So, you inhale deeply from your abdomen using your nose, exhale an equal length breath from your mouth and there are no pauses in between any of the inhalations or exhalations.
I cannot speak for anybody else, but my experience of it - being in a quiet and focused environment whilst lying flat on the floor, was the feeling of eventually becoming quite lightheaded and ‘lightened’ from the breathing, almost euphoric in a way. That was, once the consistent breathing finally outweighed my mind, lolz!
Looking back, I will definitely say that I was not emotionally equipped for what I threw myself into, but perhaps that is half the point. I guess if you have too many preconceived ideas or expectations with something like that it could probably ruin or even eliminate the authentic rawness and impact of it all.
At the beginning of the session, she guided me with her words in order to get me into the right mental space I suppose, but after a short while she was quiet, other than the occasional gentle and brief reassurance that everything was alright. The course of that internal adventure was purely mine and something I will carry with me for the rest of my life.
I actually started writing this piece about a week ago and got to a point where I could not continue. It surfaced so many emotions within me, I just had to walk away and make time for myself to process all of it. I realised through the ‘sharing’ of the experience with you, that I myself had not quite finished “unpacking it all” and so, I took a few days to do that which I shared with you all in this post..
I realize that the actual “what” of the experience, described to all of you in terms of detail, probably doesn’t seem very profound at all, but for me to delve into that would require an entirely separate post, and perhaps I will do that at some point. It was really very personal, so I cannot say for certain I will.
I can only say this; In the moment, it made me feel incredibly vulnerable. As if I was witnessing myself, feeling my emotions and without any kind of “socially acceptable armor”. It also had me questioning the things I was watching unfold - like somebody had switched the light on in the room for the first time, and I was seeing things I had never seen before… an entirely new perspective on myself.
I am always thinking. My mind never stops and a little known fact to most about this relatively quiet and somewhat reclusive beach bum is that I actually struggle a lot with that part of myself. It causes way too much over thinking and that leads to me stressing out and ultimately anxiety. As crazy weird as that experience was, it definitely helped to calm my overactive mind, gave me the satisfaction of simultaneously having something to solve in one hand as well as having resolution in the other.
“You are more powerful when you innerstand your emotional vantage point.” ― Felicia Miracle Hankins
I shared this experience with all of you, because I am contemplating attempting another circular breathing adventure, except this time by myself… perhaps only guided by some chilled tunes. What do you think?!
Eliza xxx
PS. All photos are either taken by me or are my property, unless credited to someone else.
wow. this is both powerful and beautiful.
few things came to mind..
the technique sounds like the one used in Didgeridoo playing. also reminds me of Hyperventilation used in free diving. breathing does magic it seems, every technique has its effect..
I have been experimenting with psychedelic mushrooms for some time now. it is a very personal issue between me and myself, not a party shared experience. it is almost a sacred ritual for me. it is always well premeditated well in advance. I free time for it. weather has to be just right. and my mood.
what I love most is how ego is completely dissolved, leaving just an observer to a point that sometimes if I reach my hand to touch or grab something, its appearance in my field of view is a surprise.. as if someone else´s.
being a big fan of everything alternative keeps one open to always experiment new things, expending this tiny crack of perception we see our reality through.
I say go with it. just make sure timing is right. you know best.
love and light.
Thank you so much @bigorna1 :) I really value the insightful and positive feedback on my piece, and also that you took the time to read it! Sorry for only replying now, I had a busy weekend so was not around much!
That is actually very true! I never thought about that but have tried my hand at a didge a few times so can definitely relate to that.
That is quite incredible!!! And I do agree that if something like that is to be explored, it definitely should be with a mindful and respectful approach! I would imagine that the enlightening moments must be quite something!!!!
WOW WOW WOW!!! What an amazing experience! Do you ever write about your experiences? (even if it is just for yourself to document or capture certain moments or experiences to refer back to?
Thank you for that!!!
Do I ever write about my experiences ? well, I just did 😄
I tend to rely on my memory rather, what makes the experience ever changing over time as our memory evolves with us.
hahaha!!! I guess you did!
I like that approach :)
When I was a kid and couldn't sleep because of too many thoughts, I'd lay there in the dark holding my breath until what I called The Fuzzies showed up. Then I'd just watch them float around for a bit. Do that enough times it would provide entertainment and eventually knock me out; but I somehow think we're not talking about the same thing here.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I would like to meet The Fuzzies!!! 😍 you joke, but when I was about 4 or 5, I can remember VERY clearly, lying in my bed after my folks had "put me to bed" and I lay there with the light off... I could CLEARLY hear a whole lot of voices talking, all at the same time, but it was a language I could not understand. It happened almost every night for years.
Sometimes even now, when I am particularly uptight, I see little floating lights in my vision no matter where I look... perhaps those are Fuzzies too.
You are a whole lot less alone than you think, LOLZ!
Those would be The Fuzzies. Fun little dance they do. They come for a visit when I get up too fast nowadays, so that's kind of nice.
And I remember hearing those confusing voices. Wrote a story about it once, but we might be talking about something different again, and if you click that, fair warning, it's a joke with a lot of bad words.
So considerate, those Fuzzies :D
and I WILL click it! Just not right this second, because I need to shove some food in my mouth :D but thanks for the warning, LOLZ!
Enjoy your meal. And try not to kill me for putting that here. Was just going with the flow the only way I know.
Going with the flow is the only way to beeee :)
Heading off to check it out now. Been MIA for a few days as I had a busy weekend, lolz! Hope you are having an awesome Monday and yes, the grub was good, thanks!! :D
love the term. fuzzies. awesome. kids are just enlightened adults. ❤️
Never dealt with such techniques. But I read a lot. For example, regressive hypnosis by Michael Newton and Journey of the Soul by Robert Monroe.
I have also read a lot about regressive hypnosis but have never done it. Would love to... I think, LOLZ!
You love to collect experience.
And I like to collect knowledge of those who collect experience :)
Small lights - perhaps small consciousnesses.
We all have our individual purpose as well as approach... and yes, it is ALL consciousness - whether we realize that or not! (well, that is my opinion anyway)
Yes. And the Universe responds to our actions. Given the freedom of our choice, we are co-authors of this Creation. Some of us create unconsciously, some of us try to consciously paint our picture.
So true @urri2020!!! And I have always loved that description for our journey here... "co-authors". Me, I think I am a little bit of both the unconscious and the conscious intention haha! Hope you had a wonderful weekend!
Wow! I could feel and understand the feelings you were having in the beginning, but then I didn't at first quite understand where you were headed. I haven't heard of this before, but do find it a bit intriguing. Thank you for sharing and have a lovely day! !LADY
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Thank you so much!! <3
So glad you enjoyed the read @elizabethbit <3 and thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me! I think there are probably quite a few people who have not heard of this approach to alternative healing, and coupled with the fact that it was quite an "eye opening" experience for me personally, I thought it would make a good share :)
You are most welcome!🤗💜
I have read here several times and I can only think of you, of all that is inside that lonely being on the beach. Maybe because I am another lonely being in a world that I made here in Middle Earth (between the countryside and the city) and my head is always spinning too, I can't stop thinking. Reading you is like seeing myself in a mirror. And it scares me. But I had to say it.
I love that description Nani!!! :D
Thank you for being so open and honest!! I appreciate you sharing that but will say I am glad to connect with people who can relate to what I am saying! It is nice to know you are not alone!
I hope you are having a lovely Monday <3
Thank you, I wish a nice day to you and an excellent week as well.
😇
Thank you sweetheart <3
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I think that is a wonderful idea! and thank you! <3
I stopped by cuz I saw you on Nathen's page, figured I'd come over and say hi or welcome or something. Glad I did cuz I can't decide which I like more, your description or your cover image. That's fun.
Wonderful to meet you and thanks very much for stopping by and for the welcome :)
Did you know you're 143? Probably not. It was a someone's address, tattooed, stuff like that.
Well, that sounds promising :) but I will have to allow you to explain to me, pretty please :)
Number of producers I'm following. I know, yata yata, I'm a nerd, I know. = }
Cool crossing paths with you. I'll see you around.
hahahaha!!! love it :D