I've had a helluva week. Some very passive aggressive behaviour from people I work with, combined with pretty much ignoring me, all mixed in with a sprinkling of hormonal imbalance due to stress, and I was done this week. I was angry, and upset, and exhausted. What does that look like in my world?
Retreat.
I don't fight - I cry, and avoid. With the kind of people I'm working with, there is little point in confrontation anyway, as they'll always win - it's just the way of things. I've always been the kind of person that's easy to bully, since I was a kid. It's easy for me to get wrapped up in a bit of self pity here because that really hurt when I was a teenager, and it changes how you relate to people and how you feel about yourself.
For me, I feel much more safe on my own. Still do. It took me a long time to realise why, and that the feeling I was looking for was 'feeling safe'. Bottom line is that I don't always feel safe to be who I am around people, and I'm always worried I'm saying or doing the wrong thing. So it's worse when I'm in a bad mood, or when I'm anxious or depressed, because I don't trust myself to not say the wrong thing. I know logically that it doesn't matter, and I can be whoever I want, but my amygdala 'thinks' differently.
This year I'm quitting my job and, as I cried to my husband yesterday, all I want to do is talk to mushrooms, chickens and plants, as weird as that sounds. As he patiently explains to me, again, it's not any flaw in who I am, it's just that I'm not good at playing the game. I lean toward authenticity, and that doesn't always work in the circles I work in. Woman can be really horrendously bitchy, and combine that with a lack of empathy for others, well, I've been working in the worst place. Being empathetic myself means I just don't get it when others can be so awful. I keep telling myself it's not me being a failure that I'm leaving this job, it's just that I'm not meant to be in this kind of environment. I probably should have left a long time ago, but you know, money and all.
When I was a teenager, I retreated to the ocean. Out there in the ocean, there was only me. Because it was more of a boy's sport back then, I didn't have to deal with girls in the water. It was easier, and even if there were people out in the water, it is a really solitary sport, mostly. I'd feel this mad sense of oneness with the waves and the cliffs, the fish and the sky, a total sense of grace, even if I couldn't articulate how I felt. It just felt good.
Later, when I married the love of my life, it took a good few years to explain to him that when I went off on my own, it wasn't about him, it was just me recharging my batteries. He's a gem, and would do anything to make me happy, and personally, he prefers company all the time. This just exhausts me - I need to have my spaaaaaacccceee, especially if I'm having a rough time. I need time to process and calm down, without any complications or having to perform for anyone, to pretend or be something I'm not. I find it super hard when I'm in a bad mood because I get so conscious of how others might be affected or how they want me to be that it sends me into a tailspin, so it's much, much better for me to disappear and come back stronger and recharged.
I'm a loner, at heart, truth be told. Much of this is due to the damage of bullying, creating these neural pathways to protect myself. I love my family and I love spending time with them, but I'm super conscious of needing time out too, just to breath.
If I don't have space to let my mood dissipate, it turns into frustration, and anger, which I tend to quash, which has the real danger of turning into anxiety and depression. I'm definitely a 'leave me alone' kinda girl - trying to cheer me up just makes me feel like I have to be grateful or respond in a particular way to save your feelings. These days I'm better at saying it: 'it's okay honey, I just need space', and thankfully, I'm given it.
And when I'm not, I steal it, with mental health days or at the very least, noise cancelling headphones!
This is in response to the Ladies of Hive QOTW: 'If you are in a bad mood, do you prefer to be left alone or have someone to cheer you up?'.
With Love,
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There are not many people here on Hive I can very much relate to, I just realized you are one of the most authentic persons here, also @raymondspeaks, omg you should read this..
I feel like I am reading my own thoughts? I know so well what you wrote here and how much experiences and people can change you...
Still you are fortunate to have someone beside you, an actual person, as for me, I just have a cat lol. As I deal with my grief in isolation.
I tried going out there, and joining activities or hobby groups, there's this looming anxiety that I will get picked on again by other women.. or be the object of hate, lust, and jealousy. See, Ive had it.
And I feel safe alone now.
I worry now at my new job that I wont be agreeable or I will get stressed and be too honest with colleagues out of frustration. I dont trust myself too. And being constantly on guard can cost me my job. This is what Im worried about. Someone like me find it hard to function in the real world.
It is really hard to be myself. I wish I can pretend to be normal.
This comment! Thanks so much. It strikes me how many of us must be suffering similarly, just when we think we are the only wierd ass people on the planet, you bear your soul and someone puts their hand up and says: 'me too!'.
YES!!!! And you WANT to connect, but it's stressful.
That's how I've felt. They never fired me though - they can't. But I've been miserable the whole time. You know the strange thing? They probably do'nt even think about me!!!!
I'm sorry you have to cope alone. One day I know you'll find a person who absolutely sees you, and you'll blossom into the flower that the world should have embraced a long time ago! If not, I hope you know that you aren't really alone- you are beautiful and amazing and if people don't see it, that's their problem not yours. Easy for me to say - I have to convince myself of it! Thanks so much for popping by.
Wow! You're so authentic. I can relate to this so much. Only recently learned to turn tides when it comes to manipulative people who try to control others. I feel that it's a form of deep narcism that is almost very often coupled with a lack of self resilience. I just give these people a bit of rope, stand above it and try not to judge. Let them have fun and laugh about it. Stopped getting the feeling im wasting my time, but i try to focus on trying to make better choices. This is not always very easy. Rather it's an ongoing process. I try to have acquire an arsenal of witty responses and when im in a situation i make sure my Opponent cant handle the rounds of ammunition. Like polemic bullets that cut deep holes. Not the violent and disdainful ones, but specifically the ones that point out in some cases when being derisive or sneering at others is certainly an insecurity.I also have that really fierce look on my face that says : 'don't mess with me' im flexing my face now to make it look very silly ;) in my own estimate i think i have a really bad poker face and it reveals that im super harmless, attackable and maybe even vulnerable. I'd always like to keep the contrary open. that i have a face that can hypnotize people into making them do what i want. I think standing ground is a strength one can acquire. I also have the puppy face strategy too. I use when someone seems really mean to indirectly make them feel guilty. When you point a it quite obvious, sarcastically of cynically it just makes people think. They might get it oke day. Some maybe years later?
Oh Gosh I loved your post! First of all
all I want to do is talk to mushrooms, chickens and plants, as weird as that sounds.
And I thought I was alone!!! Thank you Jesus lol. I feel the same way and I guess this is typical for introverts.
I am so sorry to hear about bullying and I can relate so much! I also have build seriously thick walls as a way of protecting myself. I am still working at shaking off the consequences of early bullying on my behavior towards new people...
I am so happy when others share their true feelings and say through what they are going through, it is inspiring for real. I think that we all find our own rythm.
Being a super empath is hard. I still work on not allowing bullshit people to run me over. I decide to ignore and retreat. Still, I want to give people a chance to show that they are good. But maximum of 2-3 chances in enough.Let me tell you a quote of Oprah which I strive to live by and it helps:
When people show you who they are, believe them. The first time
Amen amen as we empaths are known for giving a million chances to people or circumstances that should have been ignored.
I am happy that you decided to stand up for yourself and leave a job which is depleting you of energy.
Your crunchy apple is so understanding and loving, just what an introvert with a need for space wants
Hugs🤗
I think it's harder as an empath because we do feel a lot for people, and we DO like people, even though they can hurt like hell! So it's super hard to turn people off, even if they're not serving you - even when they walk in the room their energy can really sap you!
The more I read you, the more alike I realise we are - that's HIVE for you, connecting people because we often bare ourselves in some kind of blogging catharsis! That way we get to know each other's hearts without all the bullshit, well, mostly!
Thanks so much for your lovely comment, it made me feel less alone too. Sometimes you can feel a bit mad on this life experience, right?
Yes, it is like a catharsis. I mean I even surprised myself by being so open on an online platform. It has brought the best from me because I had a hard time expressing my emotions since childhood and I did not manage to find an online outlet where I could feel safe to be myself without the fear of being judged. It is like therapy mixed with blogging , connecting and having fun. Quite unique and very much Hive hihi. I am so grateful for discovering this platform, I have talked with more like minded people in one year since I have been in here than I managed to do on all of the other social media platforms. Now I am focuses on Hive and it is the only place where I share my thoughts and feelings. Maybe this is why I dream one day to meet many of the Hiveians I have talked to face to face. What a great meeting that would be!
Life is a journey. I try to get better at navigating through it day by day. Some days are better, some are not. I find my faith in God to be the best remedy for all of my aches, including spiritual challenges like dealing with bad relationships, not so good people and so on.
What I feel now more predominantly than in other years is that I want to move closer to my purpose and enjoy life more. I feel that material possesions are not enough and that a job is not so fulfilling unless you have found your purpose in life. I feel that inner peace is more important than anything else and I make baby steps towards getting to know myself and love myself more every day.
I recognize so much of this!
Interesting enough, in my case, it has literally led to me living alone most of my adult life. I know that, even if I would come to live with someone else, once again, I would always need my own ( sacred ) space and, at times my 'walkabout'.
P.S. I just see this is a Ladie of Hive question but I'm sure you don't mind me answering, I got a lot of feminine energy inside of me, after all ;<)
Big big hug!
Of course I don't mind! I invite everyone to reply. I was thinking of you when I wrote this, you know the whole hypersensitivity thing. Space and alone time help settle that.
Yup but it's a fine line and I've realized more and more, as of late, that I should also not spend too much time by myself ;<)
That's true. I need to seek out good real life communities too!
That sure helps! What happened to that seed bank / plant exchange group in your area?
Fucking Covid happened..
Same here Vincent, I think that we need people to understand our need for space as introverts and creative people. Some do not and can say that we are savages lol ( let me get comfy in my woman cave🤣)
Embrace all the energy that you have , only a strong confident man knows how to embrace the feminine energy.
Hugs🤗
Many work environments are psychotic. No one can bring their best self, for a variety of reasons. I have found that there is usually a psycho in charge in these places. Psycho's know how to bring out the worst in people, and use that as their management strategy, turning everyone against everyone else. Enough about me.
I'm sorry to hear you found yourself in such a place. There are more and more of them around now, fear guides all actions. Congratulations for making it out intact.
Alone, I would definitely choose alone as well. Let me be with myself, and still.
Many CEO-s and bosses have this trait, it is backed up by research actually. The energy comes from the top so yes of course that a psycho feeds off of fear, conflict and turmoil. Working in such a place is bad for the soul. It is better to quit than lose one's sanity
When I was still in my final psychotic work community, I put an article about psychotic bosses on the table in the staff lounge. Someone kept throwing it out. I kept putting new copies back on the table. It's definitely a thing. Anyone who thinks they might be in this situation must get out.
I agree. Mental health is super important and a psycho work environment can be so damaging that some never really recuperate. I think that it is the same with a psycho partner or family member. Taking a social distance (lol) is mandatory. I think that good emotional education should be taught in schools as many of us have never really learned how to recognize and deal with a psycho until it was too late
I was so worried about quitting - mainly for money, but also, my identity and independence as a woman. I feel sad that this is the way my career ended - I would have liked to have left without this taste in my mouth. But I'm happy to be out, really. The chooks, garden and mushrooms await!
Your career has ended? That seems extreme. Something wonderful will come of this.
I know that taste well. It subsides, but you might be in the thick of emotions so early on in your new independence.
I found it easier to make friends among my ex-co-workers after I left - while working there I felt very alone. Turned out they liked me quite a lot for leaving, and for making my reasons for doing so very clear.
Leaving is the best thing when you feel spiritually stuck in a place
Congrats, a new journey awaits for you! Trust divine intervention, everything happens for a reason!.
I know right! They totally lack empathy. Let's at least do what we can to encourage a world of kindness. I don't want to be part of the other one.
Oh, they have empathy, but they twist their response to it and fuel feuds. It's happening now on a global scale.
It's good you were able to get out of that one. Love is the answer! Little, growing, pockets of love dotted all over the planet. We've got this.
Bob would approved this as reggae to ,.. so
:-)
How did you know that EXACTLy what I needed, right now, at this moment, is Bob? Well done, Daniel! You know, I can just see myself in the garden dancing like this when school goes back AND I DON'T FUCKING HAVE TO!! In fact, that's how I am going to mark the first day of term next year when I wave goodbye to hubs - play this exact song and be lively up myself.
Many things in your post i can relate to ,..
Bin there , done that ,... and music is a healer . ;-)
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Groovy, thanks!!!
I'm sorry you found yourself in a situation that is toxic at work!
I would just go away and move jobs if that was my case.
Thanks for sharing, @riverflows.
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I've quit, so I'm definitely done from Dec 10. Getting through last weeks is hell. It's flooded me with cortisol so I'm barely getting by! Thanks so much for your comment - I agree. I've had none of the above in my work relationships. HIVE is awesome for great ladies, that's for sure! If only I could work with you all.
..."it's not any flaw in who I am, it's just that I'm not good at playing the game...." Your husband sounds like a gem and certainly has summed you, and the situation up @riverflows. It infuriates me that the world is run by the bullies and the bullied. And there are always those nasty little bullies in all spheres of life that just feel they have a right. May the next few weeks fly by with no lingering stench from the job or bullies. Until you can fully immerse yourself in solitude with the mushrooms, chickens and your wonderful husband....oh and plenty bunches of coriander!
Oh yes, all the coriander! Thanks for your kind words. It's super hard to get through the next few weeks, so your kindness means a lot!! Yes, he's a gem alright!!! If it wasn't for him, goodness knows how I would be coping!!
I am very much a loner and my husband was very much a people person. So it worked because he was out and about and I would get his filtered stories about things outside my little farm. Now I don't and that little bit was enough to keep me from being lonely. Not any more...
The ocean....the place like fire where yu can sit and watch and be amazed every second. I get ya..
Your workplace sounds toxic and totally not like you at all (and you sound like you need a hug girl... A hug and then some staring at the ocean without saying anything)
Be good there madame!! xx
Thanks sweetheart. Yeah it's certainly toxic for me. It's making me feel really ill getting through these last weeks. I wish I'd quit earlier ie not gone back after long service leave. Never mind. xxx Thanks for stopping by, hope you are awesome!
Seems like there are a lot of people I can relate to within Hive. What you described sounds familiar to me ;). I believe I get better in detecting and dealing with things like that. maybe not lol but still sending you good thoughts 🤗 .
Thanks so much lovely. I guess there are assholes everywhere and you are lucky if you work with nice people! xxx Appreciating the loveliness here on HIVE. The bullshit I ignore.
I ever heard quotes is saying, retreat doesn't mean inferior. It's just we just waste time for things that are not very useful even it will be very tiring.
I hope you recover from whatever your problem😇
I love that - yes, why waste time. I'm pretty dumb for having wasted too much time on it already! Thanks for your lovely comment @aswita x
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Your title stole the show for me 😂
Oh my days, as someone who worked in a very toxic environment that started to take a toll on my mental health, I suggest you prioritize your beautiful self first. Every other thing will follow.
Wishing you so much love, hugs, and light.
Exceptional post, I must add @riverflows
I hear you, I definitely need my alone time too. At the moment it feels like aggressive behaviour in every form is common, even from people who are normally nice. A friend recently commented that they are probably still nice, we're all just a bit broken at the moment.
Hugs...or space, if that's what's needed. 😉
Yes I can totally relate to this. We were made to stay wild, to be outside in nature, feet in the dirt and sun on our back. I struggled a lot when I was working in mental health, I loved being able to support people, but found it so difficult to be around some of the people I worked with.
I can't wait till you get to walk out of that door for the last time (for some reason I thought you already had) and fully immerse yourself in your garden and your amazing life. Love you xxxxxx
You've got a lot of cool comments in there, I don't feel like adding anything, because it's going to feel generic next to their input!
I relate a 100% with what you said, the older I get also, the more people have an effect on me, so I stay away from them; I have to, otherwise I transform into an old cunt. I know how to lie though, to the neighbours, the family, etc... They don't have to see that side of me, I keep it for my wife hahah because she can handle it 😁
I only want to be with my chicken, I need to bath them in the next few days, it's really more interesting than anything on TV, or any series.
Man, loved that post! I forgot what I was about to say!
Amygdala. Yup. 🙏