I spend too much time looking back.
Not the good stuff. The stupid stuff. The mistakes. The things I said wrong. The decisions that made no sense. Even the small shit that doesn't matter anymore. My brain loves to dig it all up and make me relive it.
Said something awkward in a conversation ten years ago? Let's think about that at 3 AM. Made a bad call on something that's long over? Let's replay it again. Did something embarrassing that nobody else probably remembers? Let's cringe about it one more time.
I critique everything. Criticize myself constantly. Should have done this. Shouldn't have said that. What the hell was I thinking. Over and over.
It's exhausting. And it's pointless.
The past is done. I can't go back and fix any of it. Can't unsay the words. Can't unmake the choices. All I can do is sit here beating myself up over things that are already finished.
I need to stop doing that.
When those thoughts pop up I need to start looking forward instead of backward. Stop asking what I did wrong and start asking what I learned from it. What can I do better next time. How did that mistake make me smarter or stronger or more aware.
Every stupid thing I did taught me something. Even if the lesson was just don't do that again. That has value. The regret doesn't.
I'm not saying I should forget the past. I need to learn from it. But I need to stop living in it. Stop punishing myself for being human. I've made mistakes. I have things I wish I handled differently. That's not failure. That's life.
Forward. Not backward. That's what I'm working on.
Easier said than done. But I'm trying.
Anyone else struggle with this? How do you stop your brain from replaying the old tapes?
Thanks for reading,
Joe
Notes:
-All content is mine unless otherwise annotated.
-Images are my own unless otherwise noted.
-Photos edited using MS Paint and/or iPhone SE.
-Page Dividers from The Terminal Discord.
I regularly have trouble with my brain replaying certain tapes or events that I wish I hadn't experienced that way. But we can't go back and fix what's already happened.We learn to make a living from it.
You are correct. We can't change a thing from the past. Only learn from it and hopefully not repeat it if it was bad.
I often think of times I fucked up as a Mum. Times I may have yelled at him when I shouldn't have and so on. It's pretty shitty as you can't go back. And there's a relationship or two where I behaved badly. I try to reassure myself I'm only human and I'm probably the only one that thinks about it ahah. And try to shift my mind quickly to something else. I don't think about it as often now. For the 3 am, I listen to a yoga nidra on the headphones that puts my back in the present through my body and I'm usually asleep in five minutes.
I think about how I screwed the pooch as a parent. As a husband too. Among other things. Maybe it is justan exercise in narcissism. Hell, I doubt anyone else remmbers or thinks about it. As far aa shaking the thoughts. I've been trying to flip the script and tell myself that I learned from that and will not repeat it again. We will see if it works.
Oh ya sounds familiar.
I am not sure if it is a aymptom of pur generation or catholic guilt but it is a blessing and a curse. A curse for the reasons you mention and a blessing as I spend very little time blaming others for my situation and more knowing it is my own damn fault and it is up to me to do something about it.
I picked up a simple trick from a friend who goes to a councellor. I bet i would benefit greatly from speaking with a counsellor as well but i ruminate enough that I dont’t feel the need to get it all out.
Anyhow, the trick is to think “okay brain settle down, we have already addressed/learned from that” as if my brain is a separate person. Then, I point it at more enjoyable/productive/new subject matter like it was a child.
Anyhow, trying is the best you can do and trying long enough will produce those results your brain is looking for.
I;ve actually been trying something similar and it works. Appreciate the recommendation.
I have to admit, I’m very similar. I constantly analyze what I said or what I did. I often replay situations in my head, wondering what others might have thought when I said or did something.
What’s even harder is that during a conversation, I spend a lot of time carefully analyzing what I should say next so I won’t be misunderstood. Because of that, I often avoid having long conversations.
It can be quite exhausting, but I’m trying to work on it and change that.
Best regards.
Apppreciate you sharing. It is hard to change something you have done for some time. BUt surely if you want to and set yourm ind to it, you will be able to. Wih you well in doing so. However, I am sure you are a fine person to converse with no matter.
Ah.. you and me both man! I've got a few situations that I handled quite poorly with my son.. and it eats away at me. I don't think he remembers it much, but I think back on them and really get frustrated with myself. I can mess other things up but when I mess things up for him, it takes it to a different level for me.
I do often wonder why we simmer on things like that - is our brain trying to make sure we get a specific point out of it?
I don't know why our brains do it. But I wish it would stop.
I spend too much time thinking about the future. For both good and bad things. I expect things like Hive recovery, my favorite team will be in Euroleague final 4. But at the same time I worry that sooner or later my mother and our favorite neighbor will die...
Darn, that last one is a little dark. I would try to focus on how you can spend time with them and make memories.
I had problems with that... but I realized that the past is for learning; if you stay stuck in it, you can't move forward. And life can only be lived by looking ahead.
Yes. It seems the evenings in when I find my mind wandering into the past. May be that I am less busy and not occupying my mind as much.
Here's a tip: imagine future things even if they don't exist yet.