Fuck I get it. We can do all the things because we know what is meant to help but sometimes it's like fucking hell, do I have to KEEP doing all the things? When is one foot in front of the other in a foggy dark woods going to get us .. anywhere? Your rational mind knows the answers. Knows the meaning. The logic. But that part that's in survival mode and wants to grab Lily and run and protect her is struggling with that. All I can say is I get it, I get it, I get it. Sending you love and hugs xx
I know you do. I felt that reading your post about TCM. On good days, I can keep going, smile and wave, be productive, feel good. But trigger come. And the reasons to resist them become fewer and fewer. Or maybe they just feel less important.
I know that Lily is fine, mostly. It's a bad situation, but she's as resilient as a kid can be. While my worry about her is somewhat justified, I know that the main reason is myself in this case. I'm hurting. For good reason. But at least I know where it comes from, what it does, why it weighs on me so much.
Which throws me back to the decision making - indulge, numb my mind, or face it head first, and most likely come out of it stronger and better?
And then again - why? What's the point? I can do that later, when Lily is back or an end is in sight. Why not numb it down?
Spiraling...
Sending you SO many hugs back. I mean, given the timelines here, I could probably fly over to Australia, give you that hug, and fly back before anything happens. Okay, nothing would happen anyway as long as I'm not here constantly nagging, so...
Oh god look I have had that moment tonight. Jamie is away for the weekend and I've just been for a surf to try to get the blood moving a little and just kept saying f*** I just want to go home and drink a bottle of wine and anesthetize. Give me anything to stop feeling this deep discomfort. But I'm sitting in the bath with a cup of herbal tea and I've made myself a tofu stir fry for dinner with broccoli from the garden and I'm going to drink lots of water and nourish myself. If that's not adult. I don't know what f****** is.
I know you know that Lily is looked after and that she is a resilient little kid. But that doesn't help you much when you love her so much that you just want her in your life. No wonder you are spiralling. Vent away here. It's what we're here for on Hive. In 8 years I've seen so many people spiral and come back out better for it. Sometimes it lasts for months and months if not longer and then one day they just appear lighter. It's the loveliest thing. S*** I should listen to my own advice. Really. This too shall pass. This too shall pass.
In solidarity
Xx