We took Smallsteps climbing yesterday, as she had a voucher from Christmas that is expiring soon and there was still cash on it. She will go again with her cousin next week also, as part of her interim school holiday and to use the last of it. Every time we go, she is obviously faster and stronger and braver, and as I watched her scoot up walls and obstacles at speed, I reflected on how I was not like that at all as a child. Quite the opposite.
I lived in fear. And it isn't that Smallsteps is so different to me, but I think that a large part of it came down to the way I was raised (or not raised) and the way she is. For her, she is encouraged to try new things, but isn't forced, nor is she constantly told to be careful, but instead we say pay attention. For me, it wasn't that my parents said different, but rather that they didn't really encourage me one way or other at all. I was left to my own devices, and in that kind of situation, with so little safety net to support failure, I chose not to fail - which means, I chose to stand still. This is the greatest failure of childhood.
Children shouldn't be still. It is unnatural.
I don't blame my parents, because they had their own baggage carried through from their messed up experiences of life, and they did they best they could. Yet, it would also be remiss to leave my own experiences due to their behaviour unacknowledged. For instance, Smallsteps asked me today what the North Pole was and then we spent twenty minutes discussing and demonstrating and asking more questions surrounding it. Yet, I don't remember having any such conversation with my parents as a child, even though I was already curious and observational about life from a young age.
Would it have made a difference?
Sure. But I have no idea what that difference would be now, it is just that in a life where everything is connected, change one thing, and everything changes. Life is a series of chain reactions that splinter off in various directions, causing random and unexpected interactions, which sets of more reactions. Where we ended up today, right now, in this instant, is highly unpredictable, as it is the result of trillions of variables over time.
Ironically, I am not afraid to admit that I have lived far too much of my life in fear, which was sourced from the need for self-preservation. Not just physical safety, but also mental and emotional safety too. Letting that wiring that was evolved to keep our bodies safe, pretend that my mind and emotions are my body also. Letting the wiring protect me from what I not only didn't need protection from, but needed to embrace.
I needed to work my fear muscles.
But it isn't easy as a kid who firstly didn't have parental support, but also didn't have that all-important peer support that would drive a kid to be a little more daring, to push a little harder, if only to impress friends. When I was Smallsteps' age, I didn't have friends.
Like it or not, it is almost impossible to not carry baggage from our past into the future. Our experiences scar us physically, mentally and emotionally, and depending on the type of "trauma" we have and how we process it, even seemingly small, mundane events can be carried through in the suitcase of life, to become a burden, and impact on our thoughts and behaviours.
None of us get out unscathed.
But trauma itself is not the problem, is it? If anything, trauma could be seen as just another learning experience that can provide valuable information for us to make more informed, better decisions going forward. Yet, we are often looking to avoid negative learning experiences and when we cannot, we look to avoid dealing with them at the level necessary. And I think that today, many will identify "low-level" traumas that don't have much collateral, while ignoring real traumas that do make an impact.
Many are seeking to be traumatised, to be victims.
They want a label. A reason that they can give for why they are the way they are, without necessarily doing the work to see if it is even a valid hypothesis. It is an assumption that because they heard that this "could be" considered a trauma, then it must be a trauma.
One person's trauma, is another person's treasure.
Even the worst experiences in life, can bring about highly valuable and rewarding knowledge, outcomes and perspectives for the future. Yet, if every experience is seen as a potential trauma instead of a potential growth opportunity, then there is very little treasure to find and only blame to be given.
Life is about giving.
But what are we giving these days? Are we really giving our gifts, or are we giving excuses as to why we cannot and why we are unable, and why it is all someone else's fault?
My daughter, Smallsteps, is going to blame me for a lot in her life, as the older she gets, the more baggage she is going to collect also. It is not my job as a parent to defend myself though, it is my job to give of myself. To wear that blame knowing that I did what I could, provided what I could, and tried to create an environment where she could grow into a healthy, well-adjusted, wise human, who will give of herself to the world she inhabits also. To do so though, requires accepting that a lot of mistakes were made, and that "my best" will never be the best for her. She will get faster and stronger.
And, she will always be limited by me.
We aren't limitless. We can never reach our full potential, because there are too many factors that are going to hold us back, and are out of our control, or out of our realm of experience. Even limited though, we are still our best in every moment, and we can be intentional about what we do, how we live, how we treat people, and how we love, so that we are better in the next moment. Even if our better, benefits someone else, not us at all.
Yet, giving ourselves, fills us with fear.
Taraz
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Some children are more careful than others, I was fearless playing games like soccer, hockey, boxing, king of the hill, etc. My son was always super careful, while playing soccer he saw kid get hit on his leg and he stopped engaging, he was fastest child on the field, but would be completely useless as a player because of being careful. No matter how I tried to encourage him it didn't help and we stopped going to socker. Same thing happened with Tae-Kwon-Do, as soon as the contact sparring started he was out...
So unlike me and so frustrating to watch...
It is interesting though, isn't it? It is obviously pretty likely that in some other ways, he is going to be very much like you - but also like your wife. I remember you saying that your wife isn't much of an "outdoors" kind of person. But I am guessing given your background, the outdoors was your playground.
Ah gotta love climbing! I got my son into it 3 years ago and it’s awesome. It’s a way to help push ourselves physically and mentally. It’s scary being up on there sometimes!
I do have a bit of a problem with saying be careful to him. It’s about 50/50, where I say be careful or I alter between pay attention and plan your next move before you make it like plan where you want your foot to go. I’m hoping that I make up for my shortcomings by showing him so many things and trying to help give him confidence in that way, where we have a problem and I will show him how we fix it, and make him fix it the second time if we have it again.
I do have a number of missteps, some which pain me deeply, that I for sure wish I gave him better than what I did at the time. The important thing is trying to fix as many of the upcoming ones as I can, by not doing things I did before, knowing the previous ones were painful for the both of us but not the end of the world.
It’s for sure every good parents dream that their kid is better than they were.
For sure. I have trouble "letting go" at the top.
I think that this is good parenting. It isn't the expectation that he can fix it by himself, but that he is supported to learn the process of fixing. Over time, having that process gives him the confidence to actually try first, and then ask later. There is good and bad in that too though! :D
I think it should be the least of parenting. We are an evolutionary species and we can guide our own evolution too - we should always be looking to improve, even slightly.
I feel this way quite a bit too. Just the whole wishing I had taken more chances, but knowing there isn't really a good excuse for it. I think there are times when people knowing the reason for something helps, but other times is a fruitless endeavor. It's cool that the little one is so fearless!
Illness is a good example of this. It helps to know what something is, as it helps accept. But these days, I feel many are making up their illnesses as an excuse. Everyone wants that label.
Yes, that does seem to be the case!
How we are raised definitely defines our character.
I remember one anecdote Rafael Nadal former coach (his uncle) explained once when giving a lecture. The player finished a game when he was at his younger age and lost. At the end of the game his uncle asked him, "what happened?" and he answered (with an excuse tone), "it was very windy and it was hard to manage the ball while serving", then his uncle told him "and it was only windy for you or also for your opponent?"
Through his career, most of Nadal's opponents mentioned his mental strength was his biggest weapon.
We all need to be chased to improve, specially at young ages. Every one of us in a different way, depending on our personality. That's what good coach know how to do, chase every kid the way he needs to respond positively and try to improve and get better.
Smallsteps needs to be chased in a completely different way other kids need, and you seem to do it quite well in many circumstances as she keeps willing to push her own boundaries to get better every day.
Play the conditions. I think it is a lesson we are forgetting as a society, where we are waiting for or expecting "favourable winds" for us to do well in life.
This worries me a bit, because she is going to outgrow me very fast.
Actually, that's the best gift she can give you as a daughter 🙂
Of course I've always believed that whatever our lives are in the present is a result of a chain of events, one leading to another. Switch out one of the events and our lives would have been outstandingly different, for better or for worse. For example, a person that got a job opportunity that helped them travel the world, meet amazing people and build great relationships, might have happened because the read about a job advert on social media and only because they opened their smartphones at the right moment. If they had not done that, they might have retired poor. Just picture it when someone, when remarking about a tragedy or a positive event, says: "The day I met him was the day my life changed." Or "the day we had that bitter quarrel was when all the trouble started."
That's why I always try to predict what result the current set of actions I'm taking might lead to. By understanding that a tragedy always starts with one simple action and is followed by others until the tragedy is birthed, makes me try to predict what and what will follow each action I take and what it will ultimately lead to. Though in this regard, no human being can be 100% accurate.
Precisely. All of the horrors of the world, the worst humanity has created and done - started somewhere. And it could be (and probably likely) that the key action was something simple, something seemingly irrelevant. Yet, it led to holocaust and genocide, and dropping nukes.
Any behavior of parents toward their children makes a huge difference, shaping the child's personality.
Children love communication at a young age, and if this satiation of communication isn't met, it will become apparent as they grow older.
My daughter is both lucky and unlucky with this, because we have been talking since the day she was born - and I am not likely to stop talking to her until the day I die.
I think that talking with Smallsteps isn't only about learning new things for her, it is also about helping her feel more confident and strong ;)
Confidence seems to be pretty low in my household. We all tend to be more observational! :D
I tried climbing once.. :(
yes, sometime we are scared to fail/fall, but now I try to just fall and be able to get up. I think it makes me tougher to be fall resistant. :)
Climbing wasn't for you?
I have trouble with it, as I am very top heavy. And well, heavy in general :D
Every child has different unique characteristics. Nowadays I see many children who like to play fearlessly and are very interested in various sports. Although they do not get encouragement from their families. Even I used to play a lot of sports as a child and I used to play football fearlessly the most. But every time I was stopped by my parents.
Stopped by your parents because? Were they scared you'd get hurt?
They thought it could break their legs and disrupt their studies. That was their idea. Even our local teachers thought so.
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STOPThanks!