I am totally alone.
At least for tonight. Smallsteps and her mother are having a girls night in the city, spending the day playing minigolf, eating dinner and then for a swim at the hotel pool. Smallsteps asked for time alone with my wife and since she is heading back to work at the end of the week, this was the time. They are enjoying themselves - while I have been building the terrace at home, so they can enjoy that too.
I don't like being home alone.
Not because I am scared or even bored as I have the same stuff to do as I normally would, and most of it is done alone after everyone goes to bed. But there is something about having them here asleep upstairs that I value, like I am working for them.
Which I am.
Talking with my friend the other day, I realised that people my age don't seem to think too much about preparing for their own death, in terms of what condition they want to leave their family in. It tends to be a kicked can down the road problem and something to deal with at some unknown future time. But for me, after so many near death experiences and health issues that could lead anywhere, but nowhere good, I reckon I think about it all more. Even the patio, which really doesn't bring much value, I have thought that if I died, at least they have most of the major work done and they can live here, without having to do too much for a while.
It seems silly to think in this way.
But it also kind of seems silly to not think in this way. We can avoid thinking about the inevitable, but inevitably, we can't avoid it happening. So we can live as if it isn't going to happen, or we can live with some consideration that it will, and prepare for it. It might be unlikely that I die soon, but it might be tomorrow. If it is tomorrow, I haven't done all I want or prepared for not being here well enough, but I have done something.
They shouldn't starve for a while.
And as my wife is clever enough, she might very well be able to wrangle a pretty could life after me. And since she is pretty, she could also just marry a rich guy. There are plenty who would be willing. If she does that, then all of the work I have done to support them, is pretty much unnecessary though, isn't it?
I'll be dead. It won't matter to me.
Now as you can see, when I am alone, my mind wanders into different recesses than when I am not. I think it is because our environment will influence our thoughts and direct our attention, and when alone, I become more reflective on life and death. I don't fear death, but I don't want to be remembered by those I care about as leaving them in a difficult situation. Sure, I won't be here to witness their disappointment or hardship, but if I "only live once" I want to live in a way that I believe makes their lives better.
I think that makes my life better.
Taraz
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I'm leaving work soon and I don't want to leave any messes for anyone else to clear up. I don't have to, but I prefer that. I wish I was able to be as organised outside work 😂
I am a bit the same. When at an office, I would put all the dishes in the dishwasher that lazy people would just leave in the sink. The dishwasher was just there!!
As you work through these complicated feelings, you should keep holding on this thoughtful perspective. It not only enhances your own experience, but also serves as a motivating example for others to think about how they affect their loved ones :)
I think when it comes to what we do and share in life, we should be able to do things that help others in some way. I reckon the people who focus only on themselves, have pretty sad lives. I also think this is one of the reasons younger generations are so depressed.
Live long. Your daughter, wife and us at Hive need you.
I don't get to choose how long I live :)
Such a heartfelt reflection, Taraz. Even in solitude, your love and care for your family speak louder than words.
Death is inevitable and like you said, even if we try as much as possible to avoid thinking about it, it will still happen but we might just be clueless about the exact time.
If only everyone could think like this, knowing that the inevitable death will come knocking someday, taking one away from everything we've struggled in gathering then probably the world would have been a more better place.
This really shows how much you care about your loved ones and it's so amazing
We are not taught to die, it is true. But you are not thinking about death, you are thinking about love. Every action you take for them is the most powerful way to live in the present. Don't worry about the end of the road; you are building a legacy of care that will be with them forever. That is what truly matters here and now.
I think similarly to this even if it is only for my kids and grand kids benefit because why wouldn't you try and set them up for the future. People do not really think ahead and I believe we should all be doing this.
This feels like a continuation of the thoughts you had yesterday, it also hits pretty hard. Probably because I am not very comfortable thinking of my own death...
Unlike the last time where I felt that I need to do better, in this case I am at least content that I will leave my family in a very comfortable positions especially if my life insurance at work does pay up like they are supposed to. But beyond that they don't need to work a day in their life anymore, though knowing my type A wife she will not be able to do that LOL.
You got a hundred problems until you have a health problem, then you got only one problem.. So take care of your health... Death will come at its own time, I try not to think about it too much, but also try to plan out life well and make good decisions..
NOT so silly at all. I also find myself now, often thinking about what if death came.. what impact would I be leaving? I think just my family and a few close friends would remember me..
best not to ponder on that.. I tell myself just to live life fully and enjoy it as it comes.. 😉😎🤙🌈
Home alone seems bored when your connected with the presence of your family always. But then if someday we are no more life will still continue like nothing happened so it's better we enjoyed every part if it while been here.
This is a sign of a complete family man. Such thoughts and feelings is very common in indian household, as Noone wants to leave their family in dire state....lonely times does gives an oppurtunity to deep dives into every prospect of life and where issue needs to be to fix and how things will.be managed. I have written down most of the things on a diary and asked my family to open it if something happens to me...which could happen anytime.
My wife and I finally got around and did our estate planning this past year. We have talked about it for awhile, but always pushed it off. Now we have wills and a trust so that each other and our nieces and nephews should be well taken care of if something happens to us.
Literally, 'getting your house in order' is the one thing I constantly work upon. I want the house to be solid and have all its weaknesses ironed out and strengthened before I die. The wife stresses over the myriad of tiny issues we've had with it since it was built, and I want it perfect and to be the one thing for her not to worry about, especially when it rains! Financially, we have, and she will have, no worries up until the day she dies, so we are lucky in that respect, but it's the minutiae and mundane that will cause her grief.
I'd thought that this sort of preparation was a normal and natural thing, though, done almost subconsciously without much thought, but it seems I may be wrong.
Anyway, good luck with the patio. Pictures and a tutorial might be a nice post and a break from your usual introspectives :-)
Finally. 'Pretty'?????? As one of Hive's better wordsmiths and devoted husbands, was 'pretty' really the best adjective you could have used? My missus would chop my bollocks off for describing her as 'pretty'!
Enjoy the fresh air and enjoy the 'me' time :-)
One of the reasons all my passive income efforts are private and not tied closely to my name is just that - if something happens to me, Lily will have a kind of basic income, managed by my family. Not sure how good that would go with Lily's mom, but I hope that they can all focus on what's best for Lily. Ellie is independent in what she does, anyway, so I don't have to worry about her at all, at least financially.
Living among retired folks and having a lot of them pass away throughout the years has made me very aware of life. There are few funerals here, most ceremonies are real celebrations of life. Those are the ones that prepared for death to happen eventually. Sadly, many don't have a plan, nor a will. Nothing to go by. They just get burned, their belongings go to the state if not claimed in time, and that's it.
For them then, maybe, but not for you know. It's an expression of love, and I'd not let pass a chance to express my love in any way.
I asked Amanda would she get remarried if I got hit by a bus. She said not straight away; she'd take some time to stop and check for a pulse first. #reassuring
Life is open to all kinds of surprises. It seems like anything can happen at any moment. I think people should be aware of this and move on with their lives. Those who can't get over the death of someone are, in a way, dying. They can't recover, and many things are left behind. Then comes the profound regret. Life is cruel and generous. Just as it takes things, it can also gift wealth.