We had friends of mine visit yesterday for tortillas and a catchup, as it has again been ages since we have met. Yet, the same conversation always arises - we should do this more often.
So why don't we?
As I have said recently, I am going to pay more attention to being socially intentional in various ways. Not only am I going to organise and push for more social engagements, I am also going to work on becoming more socially engaging. As I have said earlier, while I was very social earlier and had high social ability, since the stroke that has changed, where I feel less comfortable and far less engaging. In many ways, my behaviour mimics that of an autistic, who becomes single-minded and monopolises the conversation. The difference is, I recognise that I am doing this (most of the time) and still struggle to pullback on the lever.
What was interesting in the conversation is that one of the friends was talking about how much she dislikes talking to strangers now, but she doesn't believe that it is because she has conditioned herself to be this way. She sees it as "good sense". She also was shocked that another friend in the group, rather than emailing or messaging, makes phone calls directly to colleagues to talk to them. She mentioned how she is uncomfortable on the phone these days.
People in their mid-forties.
It was an interesting conversation that broached many aspects of life, but on my own high-horse, I brought up how unnatural it is for us to sit around all day, then get home to the couch, and sit around again for the evening, staring at screens. Our parents didn't do this almost at all, so their daily life was a mix of diverse movement. We are static, and then we are complaining about the aches and pains and the pinched nerves (the person who doesn't like phone calls has been on pain killers for the last fortnight with a pinched nerve in her back).
Our daily life doesn't promote our wellbeing.
But it should, shouldn't it?
Because the problem with daily life that doesn't, means that in order to correct the problems we create through it, requires more intervention, with medications, surgeries, and what ever other ways we try to reduce the discomfort. For most of us it seems, our daily life is constant low-level stress on our body of the type that weakens it, rather than strengthens it over time. And it is the same for our many of our social interactions, where instead of being engaging and rewarding, they are largely transactional, with little depth.
As I was saying to my friends yesterday, we live in such a curated experience, that we are able to avoid the things that make us uncomfortable, whether that be content or conversation, people or personality. And the more we create a safe flow of experience, the less comfortable we become with any kind of deviation from what we know. This is how we are wired - we seek security in the familiar. Anything random, anything off our expectation, becomes a negative experience.
And this is also why we don't meet as often.
For years, I would see these people multiple times a week, in cafés, bars, and hungover on a Sunday to discuss the previous evening. Yet, while we are all in more mature kinds of roles now as parents, the reason we don't meet isn't time or distance, it is that we don't make the effort, because making an effort is uncomfortable. We like each other, we have a good time every time we meet, but it is "less secure" than sitting on the couch. Meeting with friends has a hurdle to it, and even though the bar is very, very low, it is still higher than doing nothing.
Make it easy.
This is one of the core rules of changing a habit, where the sequence to start the new habit should be very easy. Like if a person wants to go to the gym more, they set up their routine to do so, with gym clothes ready to put on as soon as walking in the door, and a gym that is very close by. No stop between - just start the sequence and follow through until at the gym. Once there, our mind says "I am here now, may as well do something".
But for many people these days, lifestyle is so easy that it is incredibly hard to make things that are a little more challenging to do, easier. It is far easier to sit down on the couch before putting the gym clothes on and watching TV. It is far easier to order a pizza that takes 30 minutes to arrive, than take five minutes to make a salad, or fifteen for a meal. Everything is so conveniently at our fingertips, that it *can't be easier.
But the things that matter, the things that increase our skills, the things that improve our wellbeing and general experience in life, are not at our fingertips. They are somewhere less convenient, less comfortable, and require effort. This incudes spending time with friends. Or for many these days, making some friends.
A better life, is not a more comfortable life.
Now, that obviously comes with caveats depending on individual conditions, but I think you understand the sentiment in the statement. The things that matter to us, the things we value - require our attention, our effort, our investment. It doesn't matter what it is, it is going to cost us some kind of resource, and we don't like paying the cost for anything. But in this world of convenience, we can be fed without that sense of loss, because we can sit in front of a screen and just consume.
We ate well. Laughed. Discussed Life. And hugged.
Life doesn't get much better.
Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.
And for a human, inaction is a passive action.
There is always a cost.
Taraz
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That friend sounds a lot like me. I don't like talking on the phone at all though my wife says I am good at it. I also don't enjoy talking to strangers. When I am at a conference and strangers sit next to me at lunch I am fine just sitting and eating in silence versus actually talking to them. We also do the "we should do this more often" thing with our friends, but hardly find the time to do it. Or make the time.
After you spend time with your friends, how do you feel after?
When it comes to strangers, I don't go out of my way to seek them, but am happy to have conversations. When I used to dance often, I really enjoyed getting to know people over the course of a few minutes or the night, abd find out Al kinda of cool stuff about them. It was often uplifting.
We generally feel happy we got together with them. We don't have many, so being miserable would suck. We occasionally have to do the WTF rundown where we compare how much better we are doing... 😄
I reckon most people feel better after a meeting with friends, even the socially awkward! :D
For sure!
We don't do "this" more often because "life gets in the way" which makes you tired and wanting to do nothing at all blah blah blah but basically boils down to it's infinitely easier to just not regardless of how much you might enjoy the interaction. When you have a todo list which will never, ever end to matter what, even the most enjoyable event added to it becomes another thing to do.
Not all blah blah blah. When there's adhd involved/heightening things there is sometimes the overwhelming compulsion to just keep yapping even when your brain is screaming at you to stfu.
Hm never occurred to me. Academically makes sense I think but also outside my current experience. The only "discomfort" with organising catchups is the perceived "inconvenience" of having to prep for it (if hosting) or actually getting in the car and going. Yep definitely infinitely easier and more comfortable to just not x_x
So when are you next catching up with your friend? :)
Crazy, isn't it? Our wellbeing takes a backseat on the to-do list, in favour of a thousand things that aren't very important.
Like a chihuahua.
I have things in the pipeline already. Trying to organise a "pumpkin carving" evening! :D
I'm really grateful we never had mobile phones in my youth. Used to catch trains, visit coffee bars, record shops all friends in tow for meet ups, chat about variety of things.
Having children slowed down with get together over rugby games and braai (bbq) together on weekends. Older you become many move or are departed, sometimes luck be it you make a new friend or two, not often by then you pretty set in your ways.
Uber is a killer of random also! People can even choose through the app not to talk to the driver... sad world.
And yeah, age plays a part as life changes, people move and it is natural. But if we think about how we evolved, we were with the same set of people for life not too long ago. I don't think we are made to have a completely revolving door of social life.
Deep down I think many are much the same, worldly ideology has changed leaving many young men especially totally confused. Rapid change has negatively influenced many.
Of course we do things we consider easy and that rewards our efforts. The things that would change our lives, like improving our social ability, acquiring new skills, etc, gives rewards, but are not easy to do. So we have to muster the discipline to get on with them. Or we could make them somewhat easy to do. The way I achieve this is to take that effort one at a time, never take on so much that I get overwhelmed. That way I build momentum and control. Sometimes we want to achieve things so fast that we become so overwhelmed and we give up. We forget that if we give ourselves a longer time to accomplish that goal and take it easy, in the long run we would be better off.
But I think herein lays one of the issues - what is the "reward"? We seem to have lowered the value of reward to a perceived feeling, without it actually improving or making our life better. The dopamine hit of an addict.
I have noticed that meeting friends as an adult is not easy, either they are working or they are taking care of their families or they want to rest after a week of work, it is more difficult when you bring new friends that the others do not know, if they cannot be included in the social environment, there is no choice but to be on the mobile to waste time, now there is a moment of silence everyone is on the mobile but chatting with strangers is not easy for everyone
The funny thing is, part of "taking care of the family" is also having a rich social enviponment, isn't it? We have reduced the family into events, running kids from one hobby to another, forgetting that it "takes a village" to raise a child well.
We don't really have any friends. There, I said it :) My wife and I don't have any friends, but we have our relatives and we do enjoy when they visit.
Relatives are potential friends you can't choose :D
I remember that we, my friends, used to chat for a long time. We used to chat and talk to each other all day long and till midnight. But now we don't even talk to them on mobile. Why don't we get interested in talking to them like before? Even if we want to meet them, that desire doesn't become a strength. It's as if life has become more dependent on machines and we are drowning in social interaction day by day.
The draw of doing nothing, is stronger than the need to do something.
This is really relatable. Most times when am in transit (public transportation), or I attend an event it is more or less the same sequence - people choosing to stay glued to their phones rather than strike up conversation.
Am often not one to initiate anything, but I do appreciate decent conversations when the opportunity presents itself.
If we're struggling, I wonder how the 2000s and above generation will fare when they get older
And they used to present themselves far more regularly, now it is an exception. I think we should be more proactive in creating the conversation ourselves, because we can't rely on others anymore to do it.
I suspect, badly. We can already see the effects of it on the kids and young people today.
When I'm sober, I don't want to call my friends and ask how they're doing. But when I've had a few drinks, I take a taxi and go to see my friends. Alcohol is probably the last resort that brings me back to my youth.
The life of eastern Europe! :D
Soviet life, young people now practically do not drink alcohol.
We naturally let comfort to control our social lives after a certain age and time, thus it is really not easy to escape that situation.
As I was saying to my daughter yesterday, if she wants good habits as an adult, she has to start now.
Anyone who wants to live a better life must be prepared to step out of their comfort zone. Doing everything from the comfort zone is a habit. They don't want to take risks and take responsibility for their lives. It makes no sense to look for quick fixes when everything is at hand these days. Even if it takes time, we should take a chance on our ability. Relationships with friends are also similar. I also had a very good group of friends. But after getting married and having children, there was no meeting and discussion because they devoted themselves to the responsibilities of parents. Previously, we met once in three months on a Sunday or a holiday and had a very important conversation. It is a pity that our friendships are limited to three-minute phone conversations at present. But if a few of us have a clear need, we can arrange to meet friends.
As I said in another comment, isn't part of being a parent ensuring that children have a rich social life? Part of that is having kids interact with adults also, people who are trusted and people who might be quite different.
This resonated with me a lot. I'm more comfortable in my own company, yet crave interatctions with others in the way we used to, all tumbled together on couches with hangovers watchign a dumb movie whilst someone cooked. The older you get, the less comfortable we are just hanging out for no purpose other than just to hang. We make so many excuses and we all know we are doing it and we just keep doing it. It's sad. Reaches the point you have no friends to call.
I'm the same as you. I have to make more of an effort to be more social but I do prefer a quite night in these days and the effort of going somewhere is overtaken by a good series and a fire. 😃. And this is even me without any medical issues.