One of my colleagues made an interesting observation whilst reflecting on a discussion we were having about wellbeing and quality of life, and how I believe it is tied to community, and adding value to others, as well as the self. He brought up a book he had read about happiness, and while talking realized that the book was all about the self.
Happiness is selfish.
Being happy isn't selfish.
But "happiness" is a personal experience, and even though we can be happy for other people, we have been encouraged to maximize what makes us happy. Ultimately, this leads to more individualistic activities, because it is easier to get the sense of happiness when not having to consider others. And humans are inherently lazy, and will cut as many corners as possible to accomplish the result.
In the short-term, this works, but eventually the momentary actions for immediate gratification and that feeling of happiness starts to wear thin, no longer returning the same level for the effort. This leads to a ramping up of more "selfish" behaviors, which is why so many keep seeking the last gadget, a bigger car, a fancier house.
Ad I believe a lot of people are feeling the hedonist fatigue, where they are questioning their purpose ad place in society. But, society is difficult to consider when we have been encouraged to please ourselves for so long, that we have forget the benefits of being IBA functioning social group, one where there are interdependencies, and quality of life is intimately connected to quality of community.
I asked a hypothetical from my colleague that assumed that they did the perfect job raising their son.
Would he be happy?
What if everyone else did a terrible job of raising their children?
We spend a lot of time thinking about and perhaps even acting towards the physical environment we are leaving our kids. Talking about air quality and pollution, global warming and toxic waste. Yet, no matter how clean the air is, if society is failing, if relationships are failing, people will inevitably suffer.
Speaking with a second colleague today, the conversation continued, as we talked about children and when to have them. Personally, I wish I was able to have had mine earlier, but most people put off having children, either to focus on a career, or extend their youth.
But, the problem comes because while the twenties are prime party time, it is also when we can make the most impact on our financial security through investments, and having children tends to help many people focus on their career growth. By the time career advancement is really possible, the children are old enough to be left alone, and by the time higher up management positions that take extra time are obtained, the children are already out of the house. By mid-forties, there is a solid profession, and enough resources to do more, to get away, yo holiday, yo treat children and partners.
But now, we live in a world where one income isn't enough for a family to survive on, so two are needed. Then, with two people working, there is no time and energy to have the children, and enjoy life, so the opportunity cost for having children becomes too high, so focusing on career and extending youth is more attractive.
But, there is a growing number of 50-somethings who are now feeling that pinge of regret, with a career and financial security, or an extended youth of parties and concerts, but no one to share it with. And for some women who made the choice not to have children, that question of whether they should have, but it is now too late.
We have to live with our decisions, and there is always an opportunity cost. No of us can have it all. Yet, we have also set up a world where people are vying for work-life balance, when what would probably be far more beneficial for us as a society is, self-community balance. A world where we acknowledge that in order for us to be content, and those we care about to be content, we have to build a world where general wellbeing is part of the economy, part of the requirements in order to profit.
The interesting thing with an economy that requires wellbeing to realize profits, is that it doesn't just improve the community, but also improves the environment in which the community operates. Yet, in a "profit equals money" economy, the incentive is there to reduce wellbeing, to cut corners, to pollute, to find ways to maximize at the expense of wellbeing. If we are looking for a better experience for the individual, the model is broken, because it maximizes happiness of a person, over the wellbeing of the group.
"As long as you're happy"
It isn't good enough.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
This all feels so remote to my life. I did it all backward really. Had a kid at 25, worked hospo, travelled Europe and Asia with a 4 year old, did my teaching degree, then met my husband. By the time I was 50 my son was well gone and now has a little fam of his own. There was a slight twinge that Jamie and I didn't have one together, but we firmly believed our happiness didn't depend on kids at all. And we knew that happiness was fleeting - and goes up and down. Life's purpose could be found in another things - in kindnesses to others, in jobs well done, in being in nature, in simply breathing sometimes. I firmly, firmly refuse to find happiness in THINGS. I've always been like that.
There's sooo many people I work with that had kids late - or got divorced and then ended up with a second marriage and a second lot of kids - and they are working to pay for that. I couldn't think of anything worse. And I don't get it - why? Does it truly bring 'happiness'?
I more and more believe that our happiness is in community, which is the opposite of selfishness, but that's harder and harder to find in a world that revolves around money, and this hamster wheel we're all on. But that's another story.
A client of mine had hers young - just as she was starting university, and her husband was going through medical school. By the time she was at work a few years later in HR at a company, the others were going on maternity leave, and she rose through the ranks and by thirty, was heading up the HR at a large company. Worked out well for them and they now feel that they are very free, with older children, decent work, and a lot of time on their hands when they want it.
Not when doing it that way I think!
I am definitely swayed to the "having kids' earlier, especially having done it and having this story to affirm it. As you know we are on a year long adventure right now - early 50s, no kids. It's awesome!
My son is 27 with a nearly two year old and his wife is finishing a politics degree and working in policy for super company. It's actually a good way to stay grounded and focused ... You have the energy for a career AND a kid.
I think the motives a lot of people have for a lot of the things they do are questionable and it doesn't just apply to happiness. I do think most of them have something to do with selfishness though.
Yes, it isn't just happiness. Selfishness and greed are easy to leverage, and profitable to enable.
I don't think that people care each other's happiness nowadays, even some wants others not to be happy, but in trouble.
Agreed but still we have some people who care about others more then themselves
Rising up to inspiring people, is much harder than cutting them down to a lower level.
The last couple of years, I had quite a "journey" on defining what happiness means to me and I realized that community is quite an important factor. On all the places I felt "home", I felt a sense of community. Other places were really beautiful to travel to and there were lonely times when I felt so high on life, but sense of community is what made me feel truly at home in many places in the world.
There is something about being with a group of people who you value, and they value you, that just feels good. There is also the value of adding value to those people, helping them out of love and connection, not for financial gain alone.
Happiness is selfish. Briliantly put.
Thanks :)
We are happy when the subject pleases us. We scarcely would be happy if it pleases another and displeases us. So, happiness is selfish.
Think though, a person curing cancer can be unhappy a lot of the time, dealing with dying people, failed experiments, lack of funding - yet still find value in their work, even if they never find the cure. But, if they do find the cure, they are going to be happy, and others will be happy too :)
I think the true happiness is to help others, love others, be kind with others. Nobody can find true happiness if he is selfish and greedy
We can find happiness alone, but not contentment for long. At least for most people.
We are tasters of changes...Mr. Taraz.
And this is another wrinkle in the problem. We are constantly changing what we require to be happy, and in the consumer world, the cycle is short.
It is exactly an instant, the same moment where we choose what to do...
I share the idea that happiness is giving, but I do not only mean giving material things, but also giving love, giving hope, giving comfort, giving advice and giving time, which is the most valuable thing we have.
So much of "giving" these days is about buying. I think we need to spend more time creating what we give - there is social value in it, as well as personal value in sharing a skill.
If some people say that happiness is selfish, I’d rather agree. The world is becoming crazier everyday so you just have to make yourself happy so the situation of things won’t affect you so hard
A lot of people don’t even want to see you happy
But, selfish happiness is also a path to misery, and could be a catalyst that ensures it.
I think the best time to have children is at the earliest time when the couple are in stable jobs, and have some savings. This is because of inflation, and the cost of raising a child increases a lot every year. There are also other things, like being able to play sports with your children, or doing more activities with them. When one has children when they are younger, there is also a higher chance of getting grandchildren while one is not that old.
Exactly being happy isn't selfish because everyone have their right to be happy