Drunk in misery and loss, I know for certain this another evening will be tantamount to death.
The night made me remember how worn out my breaths are to reek of teenage wounds and childhood anguish ─ of how I am no longer protected by innocence from harrowing cruelty despite being so young. This flesh is of a newborn prophesied to wither into dirt, given of life only to have it at a loose grasp. These lungs synchronize with life solely through the fewest breaths. Thus, the short-lived days of childhood are the remaining relic of my truest existence. In all honesty, I envy the child of my past for easily weeping over tiny ant bites, knowing that childhood gives all sentiments language and freedom. Now, only numbness is the nearest substitute I know for crying. I have forgotten what it is to shed tears to the extent of being haunted by my fear of eternal vacancy. The heavens seemingly deprived me of every right to be simply human, to speak in ways this sharp-edged tongue cannot. When I would step on the radiancy of the world, darkness always outlived the dwindling sunbeams, as I was drawn to the blackness of twilight. Among my despairing wonders, I had hoped becoming one awful void can be halted by a painless refusal.
ㅤ ㅤ
Afore, I revel in the presence of yesterdays under the belief that they reveal one’s divine triumph. Yet as my bones grew accustomed to the coldness of being buried even when my body is in perfect flesh, I came to the realization that history is a vast casket of heartaches one would rather consign to oblivion. The sight of who you were at the back of who you are impairs one’s feet to walk alongside time. Being the witness of your shameful passing, you become regretfully aware of how you have set afoot on most of the passage for the living whilst dead. Of how you have unknowingly awoken with closed eyes in this cosmic haven enclosed by resounding laments of practised grieving. However, regardless of the desperation for forgetting, history is forever shackled to a mortal's perpetual recollection, tainting all of tomorrow's purity. Perhaps, tombstones are mothered by memory; a pair of iron teeth that ravage hope.
ㅤ
Repeatedly, I mourn through brutal dialect for the child I was and for my fleeting youth the gods have kissed with sorrow and hatred. For the humanity of air stolen by unearthly thieves. For all the ageless catastrophes that inhabit my rotten remains. And for the faith I carelessly surrendered to annihilation. All those mourning resembled an anthem for the trickling tears of tragic miracles and unlived almost. And how they tasted like immense grief and the faintest of hope, gradually pervading my mouth with nighttime torment. For all my yesterdays, I have wept in the absence of sentiments, as though being numbed but never to death and yet life still appeared to be a forbidden breath.
ㅤ
And so did tonight: I am drunk again.
We're the exact opposite when drunk. I don't contemplate on the bitterness of life nor jive down the memory of a lively childhood experience. I opt to set them all side as if they never existed, then laugh to my heart's content. I'm pretty much like this when I'm in a normal mode haha.
That's life, anyway. We have our lowest and our highest. Whatever you're going through right now, you're not alone. Fighting lang, gurl. Lilipas din yan kaya be strong for yourself. 😊
You have the quality that I most desire to own. I find it the hardest to enjoy life and often feel detached from others. But maybe, along the way, there will come a time for me to be able to relish every moment the way you do. Thank you for your kind words, Ayane. Laban lang din po ikaw.
You are an incredible writer, this gave me chills! It is hard to leave the warmth of innocence, and usually it is not our choice. You expressed this great wrong and how it has personally touched you, in a masterful way ❤️
I could not be more grateful for your appreciation and encouragement, @grindan. It is a reassuring sight to find someone who understands where I am coming from.
I felt this, there are times na gusto ko na magkaroon ng breakdown. Yung hagulgol talaga with problems that are emerging in life pero I can't not because of the toxic masculinty side but rather there are people who are relying on us to be strong now and in times that we feel weak they become weaker din.
Love the end part!
Nakakapagod din maging malakas para sa iba. I can see that often in my grandmother. But sometimes, being vulnerable makes us closer to others, even to ourselves. It gives the exact amount of transparency so they may understand us. Pero nakakatakot lang din minsan maging weak sa paningin ng iba. It's like something they can use as a weapon against you someday. It's a difficult choice, to be open.
Thank you for passing by, kuya! I hope you are doing well.
Congratulations @adhira! You have completed the following achievement on the Hive blockchain And have been rewarded with New badge(s)
Your next target is to reach 50 upvotes.
You can view your badges on your board and compare yourself to others in the Ranking
If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word
STOPTo support your work, I also upvoted your post!
Check out our last posts:
Support the HiveBuzz project. Vote for our proposal!