I thought it was just a phase. I woke up one time and stared at the clock, hoping it would come to a halt. However, the world is rapidly changing and I am caught in a motion blur.
Have you ever heard the phrase “you will get over it”? When something bad happens to you, they will tell you these words, regardless of how traumatic it will be. It somehow comforted me back then, until it did not sit well anymore. I cannot convince myself nor do I find reasons to still try. My patience is wearing thin and I am known for being patient. I have realized that nothing is getting better; the more I become restless, the further I am pulled into a haze. I go through life with no sense of direction. I have never been given a chance to be angry, I was only allowed to accept things because they would not matter soon enough. Rather than getting over the things that hurt me, they consumed me instead. I detached myself as a defense mechanism. Repeatedly drawing a line, taking three steps away from people that see me as someone deserving of tenderness. And I have burned for so long, too quiet, I have forgotten what it feels to be a little less dying. Therefore, do not embrace me with a promise of eternal salvation.
Image Source
After years of enduring it all, I feel like a volcano on the verge of erupting. Yet my heart continues to grieve for all that l have lost without having an entire understanding of how to hold on to them.
Oftentimes, I simply sit in the corner and watch them go. Some will slam the door shut but most of them leave quietly. I have grown used to not hearing goodbyes, and my mouth never opened to bid them farewell. In spite of this, it does not mean that they are gone. I live with their memories to feed this insatiable guilt. I have uttered countless apologies just for them to be always rendered useless. I remember, I cannot forget even if I want to. This longing visits me at night beneath a cloak of fleeting solace. Hence, when I can no longer feel—I am cold and hollow. And I wonder how long my frail body can bear the weight of those who are still alive. Perhaps, when I cease to bleed each moment I will make contact with their fragments, if my hands have learned to not tremble, and I am able to touch them without falling apart, they will not slip from my grasp. They will not slip through my fingers, if there is more than a language my tongue has ever known—I speak of too much hurting.
Image Source
I will never be the same. I am afraid that if I failed to wash them away, I will be drowning endlessly. It terrifies me, to be incomplete, and this unfathomable sorrow. I ache for them.
Regrets have teeth that do not stop biting, a loyal dog that clings relentlessly. Anywhere I go, it follows. Shaped like two hands wrapping around my throat. At times, it seemed I began to be incapable of loving. For the countless attempts I did to keep myself intact only to break over and over. I gasp for air and wonder if the life I am living is actually mine. They say that I am still too young to think that I do not have much time left, too young for the world to start my wake, but not too young to not be rotting.
Image Source
This is of my silent decay, the peeling of skins, I wish I am somebody else. I hope to be completely disassembled.
Alice
I used to stumble upon dreams where I was floating as a child, it went higher and higher—the world seemed tinier in my eyes. There were several nights I would have a similar dream when I started to be older, the only difference was the fall that occurred shortly afterwards. It happened so often I no longer remember how I actually felt. One time, I noticed a small crack that made everything crumble and I sank. I never ceased slipping until then.
Hello! I go by the name Alice, under the username @lienric. A graduating senior high school student. I am from Laguna, Philippines. I enjoy doing a lot of things although, I am far from being considered as consistent. Yet I know that we are just trying to survive, and my pets are here to keep me alive. I write when all there is for me to tolerate becomes unbearable, or on some days I think I am a giant with hands I do not recognize.
Photo retrieved from on Instagram.
Congratulations @lienric! You have completed the following achievement on the Hive blockchain and have been rewarded with new badge(s):
Your next target is to reach 1000 upvotes.
You can view your badges on your board and compare yourself to others in the Ranking
If you no longer want to receive notifications, reply to this comment with the word
STOPCheck out the last post from @hivebuzz:
Support the HiveBuzz project. Vote for our proposal!
This is really unexpected. Thank you!
You're welcome @lienric! Have a nice day 😊👍
Hi Alice, I wish you had a nice day.
I understand the feeling of suffering and staying silent for so long that we forgot how to voice up our needs and longings. I already did. Hearing people too much to be able to talk about mine. Getting used to separation without goodbyes and taking it for granted when someone steps into my life. My soul died.
But now, it reborn. I didn't have no one there for me, even if they were, they would go so fast instead of handling my wounds. So I had no choices but to heal on my own, this world isn't bad, it's just the pain is so easy and common. I am not really fine for now but, after several times of hurt, I just want to give love since it's the most abundant thing in my heart. Sometimes my normal sense would fight back, and I ceased it all. I'd rather to give out everything of me until I have nothing left.
Hello, Sapphire! I would like to say thank you first for giving me some of your time. I admire your courage for not completely hiding yourself from the world. I wish you will eventually heal from all the things that are still hurting you up until now. Honestly, I do not think I am ready to lose another part of me, and I also know that it takes time to forgive. I have nowhere to place this hatred yet but I will get there somehow.
You are loved. This is our first interaction however, I can already feel that you are a genuine person. I am happy to encounter someone like you and be able to exchange thoughts.
Yes pain is sometimes part of our life, but I hope you wouldn't let it drown you, you can watch how it moves and let it be instead. But Alice, once you are still hurt, you still can love. Love everything, happiness and even grief. I am practicing it now, it's so hard. However, for the first steps, take it slow and let me help you to embrace your pain too. We can communicate through words, and I think it may touch our hearts enough to feel loved amongst this emptiness of our souls.
I am looking forward to your new writing ❤️
I'm speechless and I don't know how to put it into words. Do I congratulate or feel sorry? I love your work but I feel sad at the same time.
I won't say anything as I might slip with wrong words.
Keep it up, see you around Hive!
It is nice to have you here. Thank you for reading, see you around!
Por todo lo que escribes pienso que a diario luchas con tu etapa de adolescencia, te mantienes en un mundo creado por tí para tratar de sanar heridas de situaciones que no te agradan, así vives y te haces tolerante... Quieres vivir de una manera en donde juegas, sonries, sin preocupaciones. Yo creo que debes ir aceptando tu nueva etapa de vida, ser una adulta y crear responsabilidades, que son metas o proyectyos firmes para sembrar un futuro mejor. Todo eso se cronstruye poco a poco mientras vives y disfrutas de todo lo que te rodea. Ten confianza en sí misma.
Saludos Alice @lienric
From everything you write I think that you struggle daily with your adolescence stage, you keep yourself in a world created by you to try to heal wounds of situations that do not please you, so you live and become tolerant ... You want to live in a way where you play, you smile, without worries. I think you should accept your new stage of life, be an adult and create responsibilities, which are firm goals or projects to sow a better future. All this is built little by little while you live and enjoy everything that surrounds you. Have confidence in yourself.
Greetings Alice @lienric
Greetings, @maria1989! I have been trying to take baby steps for as long as I can remember, it is tiring to go back to the same situations I have been wanting to escape. There are just days where I wish to turn back the time and not let anyone steal my childhood. Thank you for the encouragement, I appreciate it a lot.
Tan solo debes aceptar la evolución de tu cuerpo, de tu mente. Buscar la objetividad y conformidad con lo que posee para vivir. Cada quién genera una personalidad que te lleva a cultivar un talento, es tu inteligencia. Acepta y vive el reto de la vida, evoluciona con ella. Crece mientras disfutas la existencia con todas sus responsabilidades. ¡No tengas miedo!
Saludos @lienric desde Venezuela!
You just have to accept the evolution of your body, of your mind. Seek objectivity and conformity with what you have to live. Everyone generates a personality that leads you to cultivate a talent, it is your intelligence. Accept and live the challenge of life, evolve with it. Grow while you enjoy existence with all its responsibilities, do not be afraid!
Greetings @lienric from Venezuela!
Voicing out our pain makes not easier to endure. It is really painful to see ourselves in situation of not going front or back. But truth is that time heals. You are not too young to get hurt not too old to be hurt. Life is a teacher, it teaches us good and bad. We learn from the bad to be strong. Don't give up my friend.
I appreciate your kind words, thank you!
Hi @lienric, how are you doing today. Have a lovely weekend.
I am doing a school project right now. I hope you are doing fine! Have a lovely weekend as well.
Thank you. I wish you success in your school project.
To be honest, it is suffocating to be told that time will pass and suffering will be then, forgotten. It indeed leaves no trail of being felt no matter how ugly that feeling could be. And it will never cease in our hearts and minds after all the consoling words. Gradually, the silenced anger within us grows as if we were nursing it every day. And in times of almost breaking, almost deteriorating, we realize we've never forgotten one bit of what's happened.
This is what I hate the most. All those fleeting moments of peace in exchange for something greater than the pain of being wounded. Hugs to you, @lienric.
Nothing hurts than to realize you
did not actually heal from it, you only got used to the constant pain. I so badly wish that I have learned to carry more love within my heart instead of having this anger.
Hugs to us, Arq. I love you.
I love you 🫶