By prioritizing your partner before your child you are being the best parent.
Maybe it sounds contradictory but this is among the best parenting advices you will be able to find in this long podcast.
I have made a short review about the interview of Dr. Becky Kennedy with Andrew Huberman and while I tried to tell you the essence of that interview I believe that watching the original long talk will give you marvelous insights into what good parenting is all about.
Main ideas from this interview:
1.Telling your child " I believe you" validates their experience ( kids need boundaries and when we validate how they feel when we tell them No we help them develop the neural circuits for tolerating frustration)
2.Separate identity from behaviour( feelings without communication skills come out in bad behaviours and we punish bad behaviour instead of addressing the fact that it shows a lack of skill, both in adults and children)
3.Teach children to tolerate frustration and do not pay them for doing house chores
4.Prioritize your partner before your kids
5.Parenting is the only job you care about on your deathbed
Watch the long interview here:
I think so many parents tend to love their partner less after they have given birth which is not supposed to be so.
As for me, I’d prioritize my partner before my children but making sure that I spread love across all of them
I think that this is one of the reasons why communication before pregnancy is vital. If the relationship is strong and partners learn to speak with one another they will push through the tough moments after the baby is born. A lot of couples separate after the first years of having a child just because of this reason.
I believe that marriage is basically a long conversation with someone you choose to love. So communicating with love is the key. The female hormones go crazy and the male partner needs to know that the relationship is strong enough to remind the mother that the relationship comes first.
I believe that every child would be happier when mom and dad choose to love each other instead of focusing solely on him. It is a long topic and I can only hope that more adults will choose to be informed before commiting to having a child knowing about the shift in post-having-a-baby dynamic
The second idea is spot on and it's something that I sometimes struggle to discern, especially with adults. In the long term, punishing bad behaviour doesn't really do much since the underlying problem isn't addressed and solved.
Ah you've hit the nail on the head with this comment. It is a struggle to discern this issue when it comes to adults because it is so common to judge more harshly because you see a grown up body.
Bad behaviour is a cry for help . I think that the issue of one's own safety comes first because you can't sit still while someone's bad behaviour causes you severe damage: verbal abuse, beating, bullying etc. So addressing this issue is delicate. When someone's bah behaviour isn't bad enough for you to walk away for your own sanity/safety? This depends on each person's own limits, boundaries, awareness on how much they can cope with that bad behaviour etc.
Tolerating bad behaviour does the biggest damage to the one who does it because it enables it. Nobody learns to grow when their bullshit is accepted. So it is of incredible service to be able to address the bad behaviour and correct it at the root by addressing the lack of skill/trauma. But a core , key ingredient, is vital in this equation: the person with the bad behaviour has to genuinely understand the harm they are doing and to have a sincere desire to change. Without this attitude nobody, not even the Dalai Lama, could help a person like this.
Exactly, with adults, addressing such an issue is quite delicate and requires a number of factors. The primary one probably been how "mature" is the person, especially from an emotional or mental standpoint. That said, the receiver of this bad behaviour should in no way accept or allow it because the giver is immature. Such an attitude does more harm than good. A rule of thumb for me is usually to disconnect from the person, to become indifferent, at least for the foreseeable future.
Thanks for this insightful reply!