Right now I'm enjoying my 25th anniversary vacation. I have my wife and two sons with me. We are visiting family. We are visiting beautiful beaches. We are having excellent food. We are making beautiful memories. We have a beautiful hotel room and we are also spending too much money.
Overall though things are going very well right now.
Here is a view taken just one hour ago of the full moon over the beach. Taken by me on the 19th floor of the hotel.
However, it hasn't always been that way.
As Idyllic as today seems...
Right now seems pretty much idyllic. There are no problems, there are no worries, the bills are paid and there is money in the wallet.
However, it certainly hasn't always been that way. There have been times that have been just as dark as the picture above. But when I focused on the dark, the unknown, and the waves crashing down nearby, well, I forgot to look up at the little light there was.
My Sons
My son's are currently well adjusted, respectful and intelligent young men. Just 4 years ago I was worried that my oldest son was going to die from hanging with the wrong crowd and being encouraged to use illegal substances. Just 2 years ago my younger son was being held in hospital under observation for possible psychiatric issues. Just one year ago my older son was in the hospital after a motorcycle accident.
There is nothing like having been through family problems and being worried sick about my sons to help me appreciate the men they have become and the time we have to spend together.
My Hotel
The room I'm living in while on vacation is a large, beautiful suite. It is luxurious enough that it feels like home, only better! I have a view from the 19th floor that lets me see everything going on around me. I'm right in the heart of all the action of Fort Lauderdale during spring break. I don't think I could ask for a nicer place to be.
It hasn't always been like that though. There were times that I had no place to call home. The first home we had there was a water leak from the upstairs neighbors sewer line that dripped right into my bedroom. Even when I bought our first house my wife called it a "coldie, mouldy, oldie" so I know what it is like to have substandard accomodation.
I hope I never lose my gratitude when I get to experience a nice place!
My Wife
Right now my wife and I are celebrating a 25th anniversary and it seems like we are destined for another 25 after this.
Again, this hasn't always been the case. There have been fights. There have been tears. There have been nights I sleep on the floor or even the back of the car. Some nights it didn't look like I'd be married the next morning
In summary...
I've gone through some really awful times. I've been through times where I was certain I'd lose my job. Times when I thought I would lose my wife or children. Time when I was in tears because I thought I had screwed up so badly that I was going to lose everything I had. Go back further and there were times I was jilted by someone I wanted to marry. Times when I was teased and berated and generally times that I didn't think I'd survive.
When there is no light in the future
During the hard times I thought I was doomed. I couldn't see any hope. I couldn't see any future. I felt worthless and just asked God..."Why did you make such a mistake, such a failure?".
Sometimes it was for a day...
Sometimes for a week....
One time it lasted for a couple months...
My mind went to some very dark places though those dark times. Depression and Worthlessness seemed to be my only friend. I tried to put on the bravest face I could but I knew I was floundering in life and I didn't see any possible way out.
Death seemed preferable to living
But....
I was lucky to have a favorite fight song ("Tourist Trap" by Crumbacher) and every now and then a new song or "magical moment" came by.
When you reach the end of your rope...
There is an old poster I remember which shows a cat holding onto the end of a knotted rope. The saying on the rope is :
When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on
I didn't realize it at the time but those glimpses of happiness I had when I heard a favorite song for the first time were the knot I needed to hold on to.
Maybe I couldn't see any good future for me at the moment.
...BUT*
I held onto the hope that there would be another song to hear or another moment to see that would bring a brief reprieve from the depression I was feeling at the moment. I kept holding on to the idea that those moments were worth holding on to.
Now that I'm older I can look back at all the terrible times I had in the past and think how much more I appreciate what I have because of it. I also know that there will be awful times yet to come. There will be miserable times that knock me down and kick me while I'm down. At those times I can either choose to give up...or hold onto the small glimmer of hope that something good might still come in the future.
Sure I'll still crawl up in my bed and pull the blankets over me. I'll weep in silence and try to deal with the anguish inside. I'll wallow in the despair and try to sleep it away...usually without success.
But now I know that I must soldier on.
If I give up and let the grief get to me then I am truly lost. If I soldier on there is always the chance I'll find a good time or two again. No guarantees...but I do believe that God has a purpose for me and I'm pretty sure it is not to wallow in miserable feelings.
Don't let the devil steal your happiness
One other thing I've learned from all the terrible times I've had in the past is the true value of being happy!
My happiness is a gift that can easily be stolen from me by careless people, unhappy people, bad drivers, or just situations in life. In my mind I picture it as the Devil being a thief trying to steal my happiness. I hate valuable things being stolen from me so I work hard to hold onto my happiness.
"I try very hard not to let the Devil steal my happiness".
It is still a work in progress
....and I doubt I'll ever be perfected
But at least now I have a tool or two to battle feelings of depression and worthlessness. Maybe its a rusty sword but better than no weapon at all.
Thanks for reading...
.... and as always I always enjoy getting feedback.
Oh dear, I'm sorry for what you and your family have been through.
These are circumstances that most people never come out alive but here you are, out, alive, and strong enough to withstand any future storms.
The best part? You are on vacation with your family reliving those moments of self-doubt and depression and grateful for how far you've come. I am happy for you.
Thanks for reading my post and the kind words. I see tough times as way to make me stronger...now at least. At the time I couldn't see my way forward and now I see it is just what made me a more resilient me in the future. As for the current vacation...it's had its moment dealing with tired and hungry teenagers but compared to past issues...we will make it though :)
Have a great day.
Wow, you've experienced complex things and without much time in between. Those vacations need to be cherished and lots of pictures taken. They will help a lot on those gray days. By the way, I have to get that poster you described. Regards @terganftp
I take a few pictures as memories but mostly just remember the time with family (and hope the kids remember it when they get older). As for the poster here's what it looks like from Amazon :)
Great!
Don't let the devil steal your happiness! Being happy is good but caring about your happiness is must
Personally I think a viewpoint that your happiness is a gift to be cherished and protected is important. It's so easy to let the world steal your joy but once you realize its a gift you can protect.... well, it changed my whole outlook on life.
Thanks for dropping by and leaving a comment, always appreciated :)
One of the ways to fight depression is to not let the devil have his way by stealing one's happiness. Once our happiness is stolen, it makes it very easy for depression to have a field day with our emotions.
Keep doing what makes you happy. 😇
Very true words.
Sometimes its hard to do things that make you happy when you are truly depressed. More often than not its keep on fighting along the roads of life and grab the moments of happiness and joy when they arrive :)
Either way, thanks for reading and dropping a message. I really appreciate it.
You're welcome.
You see, when people come online and go through social media posts, you see a happy family, you see them having a good time and you think that's all there is to them. But then, only they know what they've been through.
Only they know the price they had to pay for each smile on their face. Only them know the number of times the pillows was soaked with tears and the nights were spent in worry.
I'm happy for you and your family, despite everything, you've managed to come out on top and still have a good time together. That's a feat.
Congratulations on your 25th year anniversary!🤗
More years to you both!😇
Thank you for dropping by and leaving a response. So glad you are watching over the Hive Learners (even though it must be a huge amount of time for you).
I do agree with you though. So many happy beautiful pictures on Facebook and other social media sites. People pretending to be living the perfect life or even adding filters to make them look better than they are. In reality though so much other stuff going on underneath the surface that never gets seen.
In my case I'm glad I've had the opportunity to come through bad times so I can appreciate the good times all the more. So many take the "good" for granted that they don't even enjoy it
Sad.
Thanks again for the comments and dropping by :)