I was thinking about trust the other day and came to the decision that how I approach it, who I give mine to and who I do not, is exactly as it should be - that is to say, I'm slow to trust people but losing my trust happens very quickly; I keep a small and tight circle of people around me for this reason' it's more manageable.
A little while ago, someone I trusted proved unworthy of it; there's no point going into it here but suffice it to say that trust was broken and the person disappeared which wasn't a bad thing considering the broken trust. It was hard on me though because I'd handed over a great deal of myself to that person and to have that trust broken and them disappear was confronting - I actually missed the person more than I'd ever admit to them. I moved on however, though it was difficult, and put it down to just another learning experience of life.
Some time later the person reappeared which surprised me somewhat, pleasantly surprised me, as it turns out, and despite the random reappearance being a little confusing for me I accepted it and there's been some basic communication since. I've been cordial, that means warm and friendly, but also somewhat aloof because I don't trust that person now and never will. Ever. And things will never be the same. Ever never.
Trust is a precious thing that should be
givengifted carefully and cautiously. Yes, it's a gift that one bestows on a person who deserves it.
Web of lies and trust
How does someone earn it? That's up to each person to answer for themselves because everyone has different metrics around it, but it can't be asked for, it has to be earned.
These days the concept is fraught with danger, in my opinion, because one's reach is so vast.
Back before the interwebs one's circle didn't generally reach far and wide across the planet; we knew the people immediately around us and that's typically upon whom trust was bestowed. These days, people trust others they have never met and may never meet, people they ran into on the interwebs, and it's considered totally normal...but is it? (I think not)
How many people have been scammed by a "Nigerian Prince" and sent some cunt fucken scammer money, iTunes and phone cards et cetera?
It happened to my aunt and should I run into that Nigerian person I'd peel his fucken face off and make him eat it before slitting his throat with a blunt spoon because scamming people like this is a shit thing to do. But it was her own stupid dumb-ass fault for placing trust too easily and with someone who she didn't know at all as well. That's just one example but there's many more, millions and millions of them because so many people misplace their trust on the webernets. It's nuts.
What else is nuts is when the same thing happens to the same person more than once.
I'm a firm believer in being very cautious in placing trust with someone and that's why it's so very difficult to earn my trust.
I think that's how it should be for all of us because once trust is handed over bad things can occur, and especially if what was given was information to someone on the interwebs across the other side of the world, or next door...one never knows I guess; that can be incredibly damaging. There's no time-factor with me, no waiting or qualifying period, it happens organically and is based on actions and deeds on the part of the other person more than it is their words and also how I feel, the emotions and all. It can take a long, long, long time; a long, long, long, loooong time indeed.
But to lose it can take mere seconds and there's no coming back from it; I'm resolute in that way.
What are your experiences with trust, giving or receiving it? Have you had your trust broken by someone you cared about or have you been a little careless like my aunt was and got caught out placing trust in the wrong person, business or company? What about trust over the webernet? Any experience or stories there you'd like to share? It's such a precious thing, trust, and feels so terrible when it's broken but unfortunately I think we'll all have to deal with it in life...do you have any stories or thoughts?
Note: If you're wondering what the image I used in this post actually is and where I took it you can follow this link to the Art Galley of South Australia and find out.
Design and create your ideal life, tomorrow isn't promised - galenkp
[Original and AI free]
Image(s) in this post are my own
First off, I pegged the photo totally wrong. I thought it was an arm or leg lol. That's a monumental art installation and to display it in so many places takes a ton of time and dedication. Very impressive!
My circle is tiny and even those inside it are not usually privvy to my inner workings. To invite someone into your inner circle is unnerving and potentially very,very costly. Not just financially costly, but in every aspect of life. Outside of finances, what I fear the most in the trust game is the intrusion or loss of my peace, which I try to guard at all cost. Does that sound right or am I just a crochety old lady 😆
That's a great point, the loss of peace. It's a (not so) hidden by-product of the loss of trust that we often carry for a long time, if not forever depending on the severity of the situation. I guard mine too, so I totally get you.
And yep, I'm glad someone took the time to go and see that artwork, pretty interesting huh? In person, it feels like being a fly trapped in a spiders web.
I've had friends and family betray my trust, but never hardcore enough for me to want to cut full contact. My philosophy has always been forgive but don't forget and to just adjust what I say/how I approach those relationships.
Now, when you write a post someday about people being flaky and always failing to stick with plans to an insanely frustrating extent, I could write a monologue, however.
Haha, well now, maybe a flaky, can't stick to plan post is my very next post!
Or not.
I hope you're flaccid pussyboi!
To be fair, it would just be me ranting about my childhood friend who is literally a sentient flake walking around like a zombie.
I'm something alright! Times have been weird lately, lol. Hope you're well, brotherman!
Zombie flake! 🤣
All good here mate, just cracking on with life and all it's fuckassery and wonderment.
For me trust is earned by deeds not words and today most people loyal by words but not deeds... I had 2 best friends who suddenly disappeared, they acted bad with me, one came back and tried acting as if nothing had happened, wanted to meet and greet etc, I declined saying I was busy... You can't come back after 10 years pretending it's like before when you broke my trust... I'm like you, when it's broken it's broken, it's like a glass, when you break it you can try rebuild it but it won't be like before
Yeah bro, same here, talk is bullshit and actions speak louder.
That's the way to do it mate, have standards and stick to them.
I totally agree.
Trust is one of the most difficult feelings to gain and when it is lost it is impossible to trust that person again. Julio Iglesias, Spanish singer, has a song that says I stumbled again with the same stone. There is a saying that goes: "The first time is your fault, the second time is my fault"
The other thing is that losing trust is like losing crumpled paper, no matter how hard you try to make it smooth, flat, new, you will never be able to. Thanks for sharing. Happy journey. Cheers and best regards.
It can take so long to earn and so little time to lose and yet people treat it with contempt treading the line between maintaining it and losing it as if it has no value.
That's right.
I once ran a university branch and a colleague I was friends with lied to the person I had left in charge because I was on vacation.
When I got back to work and was told about it I called the management and after analyzing the situation I just told her that I had lost confidence in her. Two days later she left work.
Maybe she understood the seriousness of what she had done and decided to leave.
The wrong people tend to cull themselves meaning they tend to move away of their own accord.
Trust is a complex issue nowadays. the world is getting quite mean and selfish and trusting someone blindly is like gambling - either you lose or win. I used to trust someone easily, but lately realize I was a fool, now i am more cautious with trusting someone apart from the family member. on the other hand when someone trust me i always try to fulfill their expectation, but I cannot expect the same from other whom i give my trust.
You're on the right track, trusting others quickly or without them having earned it over time is fraught with danger.
One person broke my trust once. I didn't know why I was angry at the time, it took me a while to understand why, but here's a brief breakdown:
TLDR: That friendship ended with the return of the key. I realised that the key, as a physical object didn't mean that much, but what it represented - every job, every labour, every bit of blood sweat and tears that I had put into budgeting and preserving my money to keep my house mine.
Having that "taken" from me was the first and final straw. To make it worse, at the time, that person had their own key to the house, and was trusted. We got both keys back. Then we changed the locks for good measure. We've since moved and had zero contact.
It angered me beyond measure.
Yep, I get it, having our trust betrayed is a terrible feeling and difficult to come back from, heal or mend. We have to try though lest it eat us up though right?
I got over it pretty quickly. But that person lost the most valuable thing (the friendship of me, and my wife!)
Their absolute loss, in my biased opinion :D
True, those types tend to lose more than those they damage with their behaviours.
I also give my trust slowly, and when faced with betrayal, I quickly withdraw it.
I had a friend, one I had known for several years, who betrayed me just when I needed her most. We were different in some ways, and I respected our differences; I thought she did too. Suddenly, she disappointed me, and I found out about her actions from third parties. That's when everything broke down, and I cut her out of my life forever. It was very hard; I cried a lot, but she didn't deserve my trust or my friendship.
Thanks the way to do it; untrustworthy people need to be cut away like the cancer they are.
She no longer exists for me. She hurt me deeply and claimed to be my friend. Get out!
Trust and forgiveness go together for me; I don't do either easily, and never without a sincere apology. If the person does not recognize their offense, why would I step back into a position of vulnerability with them? Nope. Like you, I will never trust them again. Nor forgive them. Forgiveness is overrated if you ask me; the only people who talk about it seem to be those who want to be forgiven themselves.
It matters whether the person is someone I love, or have simply done some kind of business with. Just yesterday, a man at a village department of public works meeting lied about what a third, not present, person supposedly gave him consent to do (cut down two trees on Main Street). I knew she had not done so. Did I make a big deal out of it? No siree, but I left that meeting saying to myself "Good to know." When something even bigger comes along, I will now question everything he says. He harmed himself that day, not me.
Question: what is that photograph of? (Apologies to @riverflows for ending a sentence with a preposition)
I'm not so good at forgiveness and forgive and forget doesn't work so well because I end not to forget transgressions. Some would say that's wrong of me and I'd tell those people to go fuck off because I'm me and they're them.
As for the photo, the very last line of my post and the link in it will explain it.
Whoops! Caught not reading to the very end! You'd think I would know better by now especially with your posts. Thanks for the link.
Indeed, it surprised me a bit to be honest. All good though, most don't read much at all so at least you got the gist of the post topic.
My nature is exactly the same. If a friend breaks my trust once, I will not talk to him for the rest of my life nor will I be able to trust him. I was friends with a cousin for 13 years, but he said some wrong things about our friendship, which I came to know from one place and then I confirmed them. When they were true, I ended contact with that cousin because when there is feeling, there is attachment and when such things happen, then love ends completely.
It's difficult when a family member breaks trust but I think it needs to be treated the same.
I’m still figuring out who to trust and how much of myself to share. It’s scary how fast trust can be broken and how much it can hurt, even more when you thought someone was genuine. I think it’s smart to keep a small circle too — less drama, more peace.
Small circles are better and I think it's smart if you to take your time with who you give your trust to. Well done.
My trust has been abused countless times. I guess I lacked "street" as they call it in Ecuador (Te falta calle!), meaning, though I grew up in a world too good. My mom always instilled in us not to trust people we didn't know, but besides that, it was the typical village/small town experiences that I grew up with. Everybody knew everybody.
I betrayed trust as a child a lot of times, stealing money from my parents and grandparents. I once bought a game-boy with it, and the teller, after selling it to my brother and me, notified my mom, as she was known for not letting us have those devices. She asked us about it, we denied, but I was so full of shame, I admitted it the same night as I couldn't sleep.
It took a while to rebuild that trust. With all of them. I guess I got the benefit of being young and allowed to do mistakes. The last time we talked about it was when my grandma had an accident, and I visited her in the hospital. I was 19 by then, the last time I stole money from her was with 12 or 13 I think. She told me then that she loved me and wanted to trust me fully again, and asked me to promise to never do something like that again.
That's how long it sat with her. Forgiving is easy in comparison to rebuilding trust. It is possible, though. Sometimes, very rarely, people do change. But I don't expect that from anyone (other than younglings), the change would have to be proven over and over again to slowly rebuild some trust.
Like I wrote in my post about friendship. It's a lot about knowing the other person well enough to build realistic expectations. And then, especially, being proven wrong, though having well defined and limited expectations and feeling save with those, it hurts even more.
I think we've all had a broken trust , never feels nice. I always try not to let it affect me down the track with others but it often does I guess, we become more jaded and closed; I have anyway. I'm not one to forgive easily when a trust is broken, I just sort of move on and forget the other person exists.
Me neither, at least with adults, as mentioned. I take the high road, like you, being cordial and nice, even warm sometimes, but the distance will always be there. A serious effort from the other side to make up might help, but that hasn't really happened in my life. It's all everybody else's fault, or my friendship is not valuable enough to make an effort for, which also tells enough.
We are alike in many ways I think. I can be quite cordial and polite to people whose heads I want to cut off for some transgression or nutbaggery if I need to be. Mostly I cut them off but sometimes, in business, for instance that's not possible.
Dang I forgot about business. Yeah, that's a totally different story. Doing business here sometimes is constantly reminding people to please pay the debt they've been accumulating for months (while being reminded every week), and always getting a "Oh, right, sorry, tomorrow I'll do the deposit!" which they never do, until you tell them "Hey, sorry, can't accept another order from you if you don't pay up." But that's more negotiation than trust.
Though, I would never do real business with a person like that. Joint Venture or things like that. And no, not even on a personal level would that person be someone to trust, if they give their word so easily and break it without thinking twice.
One day over a beer I'll explain what a business partner did to me and how it affected my life; it wasn't pretty. I survived though, and surprisingly so did he although there was a time when I wanted to slaughter him. The betrayal was immense and costly financially and emotionally but I'm a better person because of it, I learned some lessons.
I'll take you up on that one. Let's see who travels first!
I remember how long it took me to dare to take the car (which had an engine failure and betrayed me when I needed it most) on a long journey after the repair.
I lost confidence in that car and further, bought the strongest roadside assistance package.
But in interpersonal relationships, there is no insurance that can restore lost trust.
When someone lets me down, I never have the same relationship again.
Over the years, little by little, I lost my trust in the people around me, so now I am only surrounded by people in whom I have complete trust (earned through 30+ years together).
And on the Internet, especially with the appearance and entry into the crypto world, I tested trust several times and imagine, I confirmed what I assumed, that I would lose it 😃
Trust is a dangerous thing to hand out lightly and without some due care.
Most of my issues with stuff on the Internet have been my own fault. Not so much trusting someone that I shouldn't have, just doing stupid things that I really knew better not to. Or just simple mistakes that cost me tokens. In life I have had my trust shaken for sure, and I've actually been on the other end of it which isn't fun at all and probably one of my biggest regrets in life (certain aspects of it).
People do some stupid things I guess, I don't think anyone's above it.
Yeah, I guess so.
Hi!
I’m a Nigerian and in all honesty you’re right. I’ve lost a lot of chess jobs because of this.
Sometimes I think I need to do a lot more to earn trust and yes sometimes my good intentions can be mistaken.
Trust is a lot more difficult from where I come from. The country is poor but it’s even harder because cyber crime is very very high. Most countries are even sending our citizens back to the country because of this.
Either ways, I try my best to build reputation despite the hardships and situations. Your post resonates with me as I have had people trust me despite knowing these things. Some I have repaid their trust, others I haven’t unintentionally.
I’ve gotten jobs on Hive and a lot more help, it’s not something I would ever take for granted. The more I grow older the more I realise this.
I’ve literally made this about myself, but yes I’m a Nigerian and this is something that comes up everytime.
Trust is earned. I’m really sorry about your Aunt situation. Scammers here I’ve ruined it all.
The Nigerian chess federation literally got some players denied visa in the last Olympiad. It’s gets difficult everyday. The stories keep piling up.
Here, I trust no one. Been betrayed so many times and left alone to suffer the consequences of my actions.
Yes indeed, most people here do not trust Nigerians because of all the scams, in fact the general feeling of them is quite incredibly low for that reason - they're all seen as scammers (I guess a lot of their activities on Hive prove it too). A demonstration of how people breaking other people's trust even those they do not know (like in cyber crime) has lasting implications.
This happens with companies, organisations, governments and so on, people lose confidence (trust) and the problems start, and it often endures.
All someone who has lost trust (and respect) can do is work towards being the right person and doing things better than before...I think the same goes for groups who have done the same.
I agree. I believe on Hive, It’s something we are working on to bring everyone together. The change we all seek starts from somewhere. I have been fortunate and I know there are some good ones out there. I have a hangout for Nigerians and maybe tomorrow the topic would be “fraud or cyber crime” let’s start the discussion here on Hive.
This topic sparks out a lot. Do you have Nigerians you know that are still abusing the Hive system and are unrepentant?
Like you said, people can work towards being or doing right. With the right leadership and counsel, things might change.
I want a community where We are not looked this way on Hive.
Hopefully you can turn around common sentiment however there's many still bad acting and it's, unfortunately for people like you, the many that will affect the few who try to do the right thing.
Yes, I recall your topics, I believe you copied my idea from 2020 and called it weekend engagement which, to me, seemed rather odd and inventive.
Yes I actually did copy your idea in 2022. But more like I’d say you inspired me to do it. Even on the post, I always make mention of “there are other weekend engagements on Hive” - I was referring to you.
I’m sorry if you found it odd. I maybe would have mentioned you or something. Not too late. I’d tag you when I write that every weekend if you don’t mind.
I understandinspiration, but don't prefer to see it take the form of direct copying. I actually don't call copying someone else's idea exactly as being inspired, that's just taking someone's idea and copying it.
I’m sorry, I felt if it’s just a single post it’s different from telling people to write and I also felt since I’m just limiting it to the Nigerian community, might be different.
I hope you understand now. And I hope you don’t mind me tagging you on our post. I can also urge people to write in weekend experiences and support their posts too.
Thank you for not getting mad at me all this years and for still supporting me. In all honesty, I’m sorry.
For as long as i continue. I'd give you credit for the idea.
Also our government is so terrible, I don’t think that can change anytime soon :)
We can never trust them!
Take up arms and rise up and fucken kill them all then replace them with others. But then...I think greed and corruption is systemic so the replacements will do the same thing.
Go look at what the French did in the French Revolution (1789-1799), a good lesson.
Our president is 73 years old! Our previous president died three weeks ago from old age.
I really don’t think killing them works :) but I’d check the French Revolution. Thanks
Trust is given slowly and lost in an instant… and those who betray it never return to the same place in the heart.
Yes indeed.
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I'm proudly say that I'm 100% into your side, like hello people in this world are totally different than before. Giving your trust to someone you've been comfortable with in a years but ended up nothing but broke you.
For certain, thanks for commenting.