Dear Diary,
There hasn't been a day that I haven't tried doing this. The draft section harbours my truth and I am no longer allowed to dwell on the why sharing is being so difficult. Or writing. The strength to fight the dark whilst living in it has left my bones. I am here because I seek nothing but light.
You see... I have mastered the art of curving a smile on my heart every morning with the intention of overlooking its leaking walls. I have manned its gates with a horrid smile turning away whomsoever (read me) came looking to do some reflecting on the constant negative waves. The resurfaced demons. The emotional warfare. But my actions haven't changed that turning a blind eye on pain is like pushing hell forward hoping to deal with it some other time in the future. The mind strays for a minute but if anything was to poke on the soul, everything starts falling apart.
I know this. Because I have lived it. For weeks and weeks.
My everything turned into ashes a week or so ago. Valentine's eve was hell raining fire. My chest burned. My mind was buzzing like a tired engine and I welcomed a relapse and indulged in some distressful thoughts for hours. I built and demolished dreams over and over again. I rattled ghosts from seven years back and as I sat there being engulfed by emotional chaos, I knew that I needed to call T.
We check in on each other occasionally. Or rather T checks on me. She has always been a good ear.
Half an hour into a video call and sessions were laid out. I got some praise for going back to journaling. Had agreed to find my way back here and anywhere else my soul feels free. As we came to a close, her concerned eyes pierced through my screen and locked mine.
I know you are where you are but it is no longer safe for you there anymore. You got to leave now.
See you soon.
Wow - this is profound, and affecting, and I'm 12 days late finding it.
I don't mind you finding it late, I am just glad you did. Your response is too heavy for my tears to stay away because I am struggling with internalising exactly what you are suggesting I do. I hope to find beauty in vulnerability again. For now, this is the only way I can allow myself to be loved ♡
Thank you so much for your read.
Oh no - I didn't mean to leave you in tears! I do hope you embrace The Now, to repeat a cliche, kind of thinking and being that I may never internalize or "master." Losing a friend, a loved one, a job, even a favorite restaurant and routine, like meeting the same friends every Friday for Happy Hour, and then one day, it is gone - at age 17 I experienced something like that, meeting the same friends in the Student Union, and the semester ended, and the friends were gone from my life forever. It took me a very long time to stop mourning their loss, to make new friends, but the first experience of camaraderie, friendship, and love, platonic or romantic, is the hardest one to let go of. Nothing else ever again will compare, right? Um, you can't compare... and yes, you CAN experience that much joy and exhiliration again. Maybe the trust and enthusiasm wane as we grow older, as we feel betrayed or abandoned or rejected. I have no answers. Only thoughts and hopes and warm wishes for all who are in this place, longing for what no longer is here. We can know in our minds that it's time to let go, but try getting the heart to "get with the program" and stop dragging us back. Good luck!! Keep writing - for me, it's the best therapy. It's also the most vulnerable we can be, sharing our writing with others. Even if you just write in a journal that nobody else sees, the act of writing it down can be cathartic. My heart is with you, for what that's worth. Cheers!!
What can I say, thank you for taking the time to expound. I get fully where you are coming and the most ironical part is understanding that soon I will be free of this recurring pain. But. Currently I am where I am and I believe the energy to rebuild anything is what I am lacking. It took an effort to get myself where I was in whatever I lost and I know it wouldn't be easy to find myself scaling such emotional heights anytime soon. But when I can, I will definitely embrace the idea of how allowing myself to be that vulnerable again. Thank you so!
You're welcome. Great insight: It took a lot of energy to get where you were, so it'll take a lot of energy (or maybe lots more!) to abandon what you'd "built" (more than just a relationship with some, one person) and start over. Scaling emotional heights - poetic and apt! I thought of you when my husband called up some classic rock songs last night, this one especially:
This is so ...aaarrrrgh. Thank you again please. I have not been pampered by a stranger in a while. Thank you for getting me to talk. I appreciate the love. And oh, music is the unifying global language and I am too humbled to have been on your mind ♡
And back to the healing inkwell... ;)
I'm happy you have T.
I understand the condition, especially the
Sing. That works for me. Or I rearrange furniture when it gets really bad. Why not?
Thank you for your journal entry. It's got me wondering what has changed for me that I no longer go to that place.
You no longer go that place - your journal? Because... why... you no longer have sad thoughts to release? Why are we less inclined to rush to our journals and record all our GOOD thoughts? If you're writing outside the journal - poetry, freewrites - then all is well, and all shall be well. :) For us as readers, at least, and hopefully for you.