I've been off HIVE for the past couple of days, but not for nothing.
All photos taken by me, during the time I lived in Santiago, Chile, 2019
The news of the borders being closed for May really sent me back down a depression rabbit-hole. If anyone here suffers from MDD, you can probably relate when I say how fucking weird depression can be. I'm not talking about sadness. I'm talking about chronic, psychological depression. How you don't even notice it sometimes. Like, I don't feel depressed. I'm not in a "down" mood. But I can't do anything. I haven't done shit other than regular responsibilities over the last few days. I can't go outside unless I need to. I can't cook. Hell, I tried writing a film review last night and I can't even watch a movie.
Ok, I lied. Of all the films I couldn't watch, I somehow managed to sit through Cannibal Holocaust late last night on an insomnia tip. It's been a long time since I have watched that film. Who else has seen that film? I forgot how absolutely uncomfortable parts of that film make me- and it's not common I get uncomfortable watching a film. That's one, in all good conscious, I cannot allow myself to review.. I applaud the film, but I can't sit here and recommend anyone go watch it. I feel that might put me in a legal predicament.
WARNING: Graphic image below ;)
But, I will nevertheless wear my knockoff CH shirt that I bought in a Chilean flea market in public :) My partner took me to a market the last time I was visiting her family in Chile. There was an abundance of things I couldn't have been less interested in; until I found the tiny little less-touristy niche shops. The rest of the market was either 1. tourism 2. knockoff luxury brand clothes(wearing regular cotton t-shirts with "Gucci" screenprinted on them in Chile is the equivalent of wearing American Eagle or any of those companies in the USA); or 3. food, obviously.
Leave a comment if you've seen Cannibal Holocaust below. Otherwise, I'll stop talking about that film before I get banned from Hive, lol.
I'm moving!
So, it's not all bad. Yeah, life is pretty shitty over here at the moment- just waiting... literally just waiting for the next stage of my life to begin. I feel like I showed up to start a new job and the boss is late, and I'm just waiting at the door. That's actually a surprisingly apt description of what my life is right now.
Anyways, Isi and I were talking the other night and we made a pretty big decision.
Making plans for us has always been a more difficult task than it is for a typical couple. Even without COVID, we are from different countries, cultures, continents; and neither of us had been seriously considering leaving those things behind when we met. Due to Covid, our plans have changed enough god damn times to drive just about anyone insane. And, as we last left it, we were getting married in Chile and then we would live here in the USA for a few years.
But, no more. We have decided that we will be living in Chile; at least most of the time. This is something I am SUPER excited about- and also very, very nervous.
When we first met I desperately wanted to move to Chile. I think this was largely due to the fact that I was already poised and ready to go. I met my partner during a time when I was very unhappy with where I was(and still am). I had been planning on moving across the country a few months prior to our meeting, and it was still very much in my head. So, when we fell in love, I said "OK I'M MOVING TO CHILE"
That didn't happen. I mean, it did; for as long as the visa would allow. But I had to come home and work. I was working there, but I still had responsibilities here. Responsibilities I couldn't pay for, due to economical differences between Chile and here.
Isi is a jeweler by trade. She is doing really well with her budding new business. Which is why we originally decided to live here. She can work anywhere as long as she has her workshop. I work usually in manual labor. I have experience in dozens upon dozens of fields and it's really easy for me to find work in the USA due to my history. Not good work, but work.
And, you know, as I'm explaining this, I'm realizing we have no logical reason why our plans have changed. Nothing has changed with her profession. Yes, I quit my job; but that was to go back to my prior work that I enjoyed much more- after the wedding, that is.
Gambling
I guess that's what I'm doing. I'm gambling. I mentioned before I've been heavily encouraged to submit a book. I don't know if that will ever happen while I am living here. I have too many distractions. Plus- the cost of living here is so high that I can't really afford any slip-ups. Chilean cost of living is quite a bit more reasonable. Reasonable enough, for instance, that if things aren't working perfectly for me there, coming back here for the snowmaking season would allow me to avoid a lot of financial disasters.
So, that's the new plan. We are going to live in Chile for at least a few years. I may come back here for winters/part of the winters an crash with friends and do some mountain work. And then the rest of the year I will spend trying to become an author. If I fail, I fail; no harm done. There's absolutely nothing I'm risking losing really; even with a great job in Vermont, if you're trying to support a home, you will never be able to save a penny. Luck(or drugs) is the only way to get out of paycheck-to-paycheck living here unless you already have a big jump start on life.
So fuck it. I'm going to Chile, and I'm going to try to become an author. A childhood dream of mine- and now an opportunity to actually give it a shot. It's pretty unrealistic to give it a real go when you're juggling 2-3 jobs on top of your infinite physical hobbies.
So I'm taking the chance. We'll see what happens. I imagine I'll have a much easier time concentrating there- in fact I know I will from experience. My conscious felt clean when I was living down there. Here, there is too much BS from my past that gives me this sense of kind of constantly being on-edge for no good reason at all.
Shit, maybe I'll even learn how to trade. I've managed to turn zero investment into a decent crypto portfolio over these past few years- even though that was almost purely luck and blindly throwing my earnings at projects that sounded good- right before a time when the entire market skyrocketed altogether. I want to say I made some good decisions but really if you had put something into almost ANYTHING in crypto at the time I did you would have made off well. That's why I have barely touched it- I know it was luck, and I need to be more knowledgeable before I start destroying my chance at changing my life.
It's not going to be anytime immediate. We still have yet to even get married. I have a lot of hurdles to go through before I can leave the USA behind with a clear head. Getting rid of my storage unit is huge, and is more difficult than it sounds. My cars; which I'd like to work on first to maximize any potential profit I could make off them. I have to look into all the paperwork for Raiden and see the best plan for getting him there.
And sell. I gotta sell as much shit as I can. Figure out where to keep what I want to keep. Figure out how to get what I need to Chile. Isi lives with her mother there, as is normal in Chilean culture for a 25-year old. So we need to find a place to live.
I mean, I haven't even been able to get there for the wedding yet. That's step 1. Because then, we need our celebration here for my side of things; which we are planning on doing this fall. I might as well keep my apartment until then, as I will have to live somewhere while I'm figuring out these other steps anyway. And by that point, it will be pretty much snowmaking season, so I might as well stick around a little longer and hopefully work for the park again...
So REALISTICALLY, I probably won't be making my full-time move for another 10 months or so. But then, it will be "permanent"- and that's going to be huge for me.
All in all, I am super excited. For more reasons than one. I'm taking this opportunity to see if I can accomplish my writing dreams among other things. And, the prospect of spending my winters here with my "family" eliminates a lot of the feelings of resistance I've previously had to this idea.
Now, to return back to my normally scheduled programming; with a slight twist. For the next however many months, every time I look at one of my belongings, in the back of my head, will always be "do I need that? Do I want that? Does that have any meaningful value to me? Is it worth it?"
Wow, but news, and completely awesome!!!! Excited for you. It sounds like a good move, and if you are unhappy in US, it's a no brainer. Chile sounds nice and sounds like Isi will be happier there too. Utter admiration for you following your dream. And minimalism is fun. If it doesn't bring you joy, sell it.
Hahah thank you! I’ve dabbled in minimalism plenty before.. I only started acquiring things here due to our plan of staying here for awhile.. which is no biggie! Other than the fact a lot of the things I’ve acquired are friend-made, so I just have to figure out how I’m going to not get rid of those.. haha
Yes, it’s definitely the right move. I couldn’t be more excited for a change for myself. As for isi, I feel like she could easily be just as happy here; her biggest fear is her business, as she already has a client base in Chile. I know she would make a killing here, but she’s not ready for that leap yet. I think we’ll be living here(hopefully in a bus as we have talked about) for a little bit in the future. But better to get our shit together down there for sure
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Thank you crazy Andy :)
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Relate to, relate to, relate to...haven't watched the movie or made the right crypto decisions in life, Hive is my first lol, but other than that...relate to, relate to, relate to.
Hugs 4 all of you 🤗
<3
Exciting news buddy and I can also relate to the depression story, although I have leveled up loads in the last 4 years or so. Part of it was my move to Portugal in 2018.
I watched ( at least a part of ) Cannibal Holocaust and although I love horror, I can’t enjoy a movie like that.
I also realized lately how watching lots of horror in the past didn’t help my depression. It probably had an impact.
Advice: when you watch horror, try to go for horror comedy, like Tremors, the original Evil Dead or even stuff like Attack from the Killer Klowns from Mars.
Best of luck with your new plans. I will keep my fingers crossed but if it feels good, that tells me enough.
Now go ahead, step by step...
Im really glad to hear that. I have as well! And by that I mean, I’m in control of my depression. It used to affect me in a much, much more drastic way- but no one wants to hear those details. I’ve become quite the expert on myself and how to fight my own brain. Hoping my move to Chile reflects some of the progress your move to Portugal made :)
Yeah, CH certainly isn’t a movie I’d watch often. This was my second time. I mainly rewatched it because it had been so long and I was looking for a shock. I do not approve of the movie, and certainly not the motives nor actions of the filmmaker. It’s just.. I dunno. It’s one of those things. Like a “why the fuck does this exist” kind of thing. That stuff weirdly attracts me
As for horror in general, I know what you mean. And I absolutely adore all three of the movies you mentioned(other than raini’s tree-rape scene; even he will admit that was a bad call). For me, it’s the escape. I am obsessed with horror and that will never change. I can’t explain it here, but it helps me in a weird sense. To be honest I can find more things that make me depressed in your typical every day tv show or popular movie- without trying to pick my own brain too much I suppose I could peg misanthropy as a reason.
Not that I dislike humans. I in fact love humans. Just not humanity. Or society. Or your typical human. And horror exploits those issues in a way I find fascinating.
I could go on and on haha. I think you know what I mean and I certainly know what you mean- I’m just straying off topic a little bit :)
Thanks for your encouragement! I think it’s the right call. There’s happiness for me here, for sure, but I’m ready for something else. Plus, it’s not a forever thing- I’m sure we’ll be living here at some point. A big goal of ours is to get a bus and do some traveling around North America while we’re both working remotely(myself writing and a workshop in the bus for her). Will it ever happen? Who knows. Not a big deal if not. But if we stay here for now, it’s less likely, for several reasons.
No, zombie films all the way....
They sure reflect society or is is the other way around? ;<)
Wonderful 😍
I can't wait to read stories of your Chilean life. I am sorry about your depression. I can only get so depressed at my age that I can't sleep. I do remember childhood depression though and it landed me in the hospital one time at the age of eleven when I drank all of my fathers booze.
Hang in there. You have some amazing stories to tell in the future my friend. I am cheering for your reunion with your soon to be wife. All will be okay.
Perhaps you should lay off the gore for a while haha. I used to like the odd horror but I am over it. It's just not for me anymore.
All the best from Canada!
Odd horror is all I know (shoulder shrug emoji) hahaha. I don't mind people on HIVE telling me not to watch it(you're not the first), so long as people realize that will never happen haha. It's as much a part of my personality as just about anything else to be honest hahaha. It's something that takes me away from reality, so I see it as a good thing lol.
Thank you! Yes, I hope we are together soon.. it's getting tiresome. Especially with this environment.
Oh shit. Hospitalization by alcohol. I'm surprised I've never done that; although I'm sure there were plenty of times I should have been there. And maybe knowing that and intentionally avoiding it was the whole goal at the time..
Anyways, regardless, I'm very happy you are here, and to have connected with you <3
I am happy your here as well and just so you know I was just kind of joking about the horror. Some of the lame bad netflix movies I watch are probably just as horrifying haha.
Oh god, Netflix... I have never felt such a rush of emotions trying to deal with that platform. They upload one good thing a week and it's gone the next.. and their choices...
Isi has Netflix and it drives me crazy. I altogether gave up on the platform unless there is a very specific thing someone wants to watch. Isi has Netflix, I had Hulu, my room mate had Prime.... I think a few others were in the mix. I narrowed down my streaming subscriptions solely to Shudder. So I guess now I have no choice 😂