I'm a very emotional person - it's both my boon and bane.
At times, it gives a lot of flavor in all my creative pursuits – especially writing. However, on my rainy days, my emotional self has caused me a lot of distress. I overthink, get overwhelmed with minute details, and tend to please people – it's very dramatic overall.
Maybe because I'm an INFP or because I'm a Cancer (though I don't believe so much in Astrology), but this has been something I have been both proud and ashamed of. As someone surfing the waves of adulthood, I had to find a way to be a master of my emotions – not the other way around.
Then I attended Unleash the Power Within (UPW) by Tony Robbins this year.
For those who don't know, Tony Robbins is a highly acclaimed business and personal development coach with very successful programs. One of his well-established programs is UPW, a convention that aims to break your self-limiting beliefs and become who you want yourself to be. The one I attended was a virtual event because it happened during the Pandemic, but it didn't feel like it because of the interactive setup.
I had a lot of insights after the event, but the discussion on emotional mastery will surely stay with me for the entirety of my life. It changed my life, literally, and I have never been happier learning from a motivational speaker. I knew I had to somehow write about it.
What I'm about to share with you is something I held unto so dearly. This is quite lengthy so I hope it is worth your time. In one way or another, I do hope as well that it can help you as much as Tony Robbins helped me.
The journey to emotional mastery is not easy, but it gets easier when we learn more about the process. One thing that we need to know while we are on this process is a concept called "emotional home."
Emotional Home
We often go back to a particular emotional place at specific points in our lives when we meet a crisis. For instance, when a particular person does not like me, I beat myself up and tell myself I'm not enough. That emotional place could be different from person to person - it could be anger, disgust, sorrow, or violence. This, I learned, is what Tony Robbins calls our "emotional home."
Our emotional homes are compelling since they have been forged on us while we grow up. By the time we reach a certain age, they dictate how we react to things. Most of the time, these emotions are negative. When they hit us, it's hard to resist them since they have been part of us.
In my case, for example, I had to meet certain expectations set on myself after graduating college. One time when an event I organized was quite messy as per my standards, I loathed myself thinking I wasn't good as I thought I was. There are days when I shut myself out and feel that my life would be better if I were fitter, smarter, more talented, or richer. With UPW, I realized how much I fall into the self-pity trap. It's my emotional home.
My friend, for instance, was very angry with the passiveness of our government in dealing with the pandemic. Like really angry in most cases. But it's not actually that circumstance that caused him a great deal of anger every day. The circumstance only magnified his emotional home, which is anger, and it has controlled his dealing in his everyday endeavors. In a way, the pandemic became a subconscious excuse to wear his anger in his sleeves.
The first step in mastering one's emotions is to figure out your emotional home and identify what triggers them. The emotional home could be a number or could be one, but it generally is negative. When one has identified their emotional home and what triggers them, it's easier to control how to respond to things - we follow it up with what Tony Robbins calls the "The Triad of Meaning."
The Triad of Meaning
The photo above summarizes the Triad of Meaning, something that has forever been embossed in my brain. In responding to certain things, there are three concrete steps we can follow to achieve self-control. This, for me, is life-changing. I've been practicing this concept for quite a while now, and I've never felt more at peace with myself.
There are three components of this triad that allows us to achieve emotional mastery. These are (1) the drastic change in physiology, (2) redirecting your focus, and (3) changing your language to produce better meaning.
Physiology
Tony Robbins said that what we ask ourselves first is, "What are we doing with our body?"
If you notice, sad and depressed people tend to have their shoulders down. Typically, this imagery has been used to depict people in sorrow. Joyful people, on the other hand, are more firm and active in their gestures. Though it isn't conclusive for all people, this is something we typically observe. Moreover, it is essential to note that it's not just our emotions affecting our physiology - it could be the other way around. In most cases, it's physiology that affects how we feel.
It's pretty impressive how our bodies dictate the way we feel. Tony Robins highlights the importance of using our bodies in influencing our emotional and mental state. This is why we dance and jump during UPW, for us to achieve a peak state and be embraced by positive emotions.
There's a Ted Talk that discussed how our body language can shape who we are. A simple power pose can even reduce one's cortisol (stress hormone) by about 20%! This mere fact tells us how powerful our physiology is!
When you feel the triggers for your emotional home are much evident, you should do a drastic change in your physiology. You can jump, move around, run, do a power pose, work out, or even twerk. Any means of physiological change can influence your mood.
I remember in High School, I used to sprint 100 meters to prepare myself for the quiz bowl. I realize how that helped my psyche in the preparation for my exam. So right now, as a professional, I have been drastically changing my physiology every time I summon the courage to do something.
I'll give you an example.
My work as a middle manager in an academic institution involves confronting teachers with deliberate unprofessionalism. Sometimes, they are way older than me or have stronger personalities. What I do is I had to jump and do a victory stance shouting "Let's go!" right before I approach them to talk and correct their mistakes. It helps a lot. I have both the energy and confidence to do something professionally right in my authority.
It's important to remember that when triggers of your emotional home come, it's easy to resist them by doing this concept. In my case, I now jump like crazy summoning all the energy in the world when I feel like I'm about to fall into the rabbit hall of self-pity.
Then, when everything is good in terms of physiology, I do the second concept of the triad - the most important one, for me.
Focus
Life is not described by life, per se. Life is described by how we perceived life. If we view it as difficult, then it becomes extremely difficult. If it's a blessing, then we become grateful for our everyday chances of living in it.
Similarly, our focus dictates how we feel at a certain moment in our life. The way we direct our focus becomes the reality, even though it is not the actuality. Let me break it down for you.
You meet with your friend at 8 AM and he has not arrived yet even though it's already 10 AM (and there is not a single text or chat). The way you responded to this circumstance is influenced by what you focused on. If your mind is preoccupied with the thought that your friend does not respect your time, you become angry by the time he arrives. If, on the other hand, you think that something bad might have happened to him, you become worried. Now, if you focus on doing something productive while you wait for your friend, then you feel like your time is still well spent.
There are circumstances that are out of our control. There are people we can't change. But one thing is for sure: we can control and change how we respond to them. This could be done if we redirect our focus that could actually benefit us instead of pulling our mood down or bringing us to our emotional home.
For instance, my friend has had a bad day because someone spread false information about him that was really unfair. He cried, got furious, and had his day affected negatively. He had these emotions because he focused on the fact that he was treated unfairly and he had no way to defend himself.
But when he redirected his focus to "How can I present myself better to show that I'm not like how that person described me?" he achieved peace. He did not spend a lot of negative energy ruining his day with his emotional home, nor does he care about that guy anymore. He can only do so much to correct him, but not so much on changing him. But he can control how he responds to him.
I now do this quite a lot in my dealing with the inconvenience. I always assess what I'm focusing on. Like that one time I left my phone on the 3rd floor and I was already on the ground floor on the way home, I got pissed with my carelessness. But when I redirected my focus that this could be an opportunity for me to be physically active at least for a short while as I get my phone upstairs, I got motivated. I even did some jogging back and forth as I did it.
This concept of focus has helped me deal with annoying workmates. Instead of focusing on the negative aspect of irritation, I now focused on how that person could help me achieve the virtue of patience. Similarly, I can also check paper really effectively now, as I focus on it being a chance for me to know about the students more rather than it being a very tedious job.
The second concept of the triad is by far something that literally changed how I perceive life. It's such a powerful tool in achieving complete emotional mastery. But it could be stronger with the third concept.
Language
When you mastered the science of physiological change and the art of focus, you can now control your emotions easier by the power of language. It's simply direct - change your language. There are three things you have to consider: (1) ask better questions, (2) choose the best words, and (3) stress it out with incantations.
Firstly, do not ask questions that you know give a negative answer. For example, when there's a scary decision that you wish to make, don't ask "what if it won't work?" Instead, you ask, "how do I make this work?" Oftentimes, our overthinking always reside in asking very negative questions that don't quite help at all.
Secondly, motivate yourself with the best words. A simple "Let's go!" or "Yes!" could enliven your day. Verbalize it, shout it, and embrace the words. This goes hand in hand with your drastic change of physiology. Believe me, it helps a lot in defaulting your mood.
Finally, put stress and energy into when you say those words. A lousy "Let's go!" or "How can I make this work," do not help at all. Put emphasis and convince yourself as your brain starts to rewire itself.
Pretty much, that's how language changes the meaning behind circumstances. As a teacher, when I deal with really notorious kids, I now ask myself, "How can I take a role in making a meaningful experience of this student's life," then I reaffirm myself by saying, "You can do this Eu! You can inspire!"
I know it sounds really cringe, but it's quite psychological. You may do it on your own without anyone listening to you if you feel like it's not something you usually do.
The 90-Second Shift
Of course, as human beings, we are full of emotions. There are times when it's hard for us to resist the temptation of being slaved by our emotional home. It's fine. Allow yourself to feel it. However, shift your mood after 90-seconds.
When you feel like you are triggered by your emotional home or start to be enslaved by your feelings, (1) drastically change your physiology, then (2) redirect your focus, and finally (3) strengthen it with reaffirming language.
I have an example:
Two days ago, I was so stressed with all the rising concerns piling up. It took a toll on me until I was reminded of this triad. I allowed myself to be stressed out for 90-seconds, then I jumped and did a victory stance, focused on the significance of the job and how it could help my fellow teachers, then shouted, "Let's go!" Motivation came to me like heavy rain, and I was stressed out no more.
Final Thoughts
These are the things that have helped me be more in touch with myself. I am able to decide when I allow myself to be influenced by my emotions and when I control what to feel. My emotions are my superpower, and I now have the gift to control them when I want them.
Always remember to never invalidate your emotions in the first place. There are times where you allow yourself to be sad, or angry, or feel the emotional home. It's totally fine. Just redirect your focus afterward. How does that experience help me find meaning in the experience? After all, the movie Inside Out taught us the importance of sadness in achieving complete happiness. Sadness is important, but we have to have the gift to choose to be happy by the time comes.
These concepts have been very dear to my heart now. I became more mature and this has helped me become less anxious. I say it's life-changing because I used to ghost people when I feel a certain time of way, and I recognize how toxic that was. I was evasive, fearful, and non-confrontational. With the help of this Triad and my understanding of emotional home, it gave me a sense of hope. I can be whoever I want to be - a better person who knows how to handle himself.
So if you've reached this far without skimming a word, thank you. I do hope you learned a thing or two in this blog post. Though I am not as expert as Tony Robbins in self-improvement and achieving emotional mastery, I hope I was able to add value to your life. That means a lot to me already.
Please tell me your thoughts if you disagree with something or if you want to highlight a particular discussion. I would be excited to know what you think about it. After all, I'm still young and I have my whole life ahead of me to learn about life in itself.
As a matter of fact, I was really nervous about deciding to publish this. I fear that I will be judged or that it won't be beneficial to the Hivers.
But then I stood up, stretched my arms, jumped high, focused on the fact that this could actually change someone's life out there, and shouted "You got this Eu."
And you know what? Everything changed - I feel more positive sharing this with you.
!discovery 30
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I don't know but it's interesting to know about astrology. I have known myself better and others because of astrology.
Such a great write up Eu! 👍🏼👍🏼👍🏼
Hi Eu, a cancerian and an INFP omg hehe same here 🙌
This personal development event by Tony Robbins offers a lot of wisdom to digest and learn. Regarding physiology, I agree with that 100%. When I was younger, I discovered running whenever I felt the blues coming. It was liberating to tune the world out, regardless of the distance, it's just your breathing and your feet hitting the ground.
Sometimes pouring them all out in a creative activity works wonders. With my not-so-young body now, I found the mind and body connection of yoga beneficial regardless of the imperfections of the pose, during my lowest of low days. When my body's down with the flu, listening to healing sounds while meditating, helps soothe the barrage of thoughts that INFP experiences daily and prepare for any event that triggers anxiety. To acknowledge and manage these 10 thoughts running at the same time is quite a challenge and being connected to the body also helps tame the temptation to drop everything we're doing in pursuit of another idea.
Just like what you did during your exam and confrontation with teachers, a physical ritual to gather our courage to do something beyond our comfort zone is extremely effective.
Oh shocks. I wasn't able to notice this comment before. Sorry bout that.
Anyway, thanks for the inputs fellow mediator cancerian. I do see parts of myself in you as I read your blogs. I agree how noisy our mind us (sometimes very difficult to sleep!) and these things do help us.
This is very well written, thanks so much for sharing your insights and creativity in imparting to us what you know. I can say "sharing is caring" indeed. Even I myself learned a lot from this being an emotional person too sometimes haha. God bless you!😊
thanks. I hope you practice it. ;)
Welcome! Yup, i'll be applying those principles for sure.
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