I was able to get into the office this morning and I was hoping that it would help me draw my attention on what needs to be done, but I have found anything but focus. I don't think I have ever been so scattered in my thoughts as I am at the moment - which stresses me out a little. I used to value my ability to think well with clarity and now, I have settled for being able to think enough to get me through the day.
The CT scan I had last weekend didn't show up anything untoward, other than the dead spot in my brain from the stroke, so there is no "reason" they can give for this feeling I have in my head of late. But, something is not aligning well and if it continues this way, pretty soon I won't be able to do my job to the level required. I have no idea what happens at that point, but I don't really want to find out. Pretty much all I have left is my tenuous hold on independence and if I were to lose that and become reliant on others for my wellbeing, I think that would be the end of it, there is no coming back.
It is quite amazing what a sliver of dead brain can do to a person, or perhaps it is amazing what a sliver of healthy brain can do. So much of who we are and what we can do is ultimately so far out of our control, but because the control is "within" us, it feels like we should be able to affect it. What I have come to realize however is that despite my feelings of independence, I am near completely dependent on parts of myself that I can't do much about. So much of the way the brain works I now see as more akin to an involuntary spasm of psychological movement, with our ability to control it far more an illusion than many people seem to believe.
I was not born intelligent and I would estimate my IQ at average at best, which is something I have always accepted as just the way it is. I suspect that my IQ is likely still somewhat the same, but my effectiveness at using it has decreased significantly, essentially making me below average stupid. Sure, the testing that was done by the clinical psychologist placed me average or above, but for all intents and purposes, in order to do an average job at my role, I am going to continually struggle.
Over the last year and a half I have been dealing with this, I have been spending a lot of time thinking about how other people experience the world too. Prior to the brain event, I am one of those people who thought that we all have at least some control over the way we think and feel, but I have come to the understanding that it might be more that perhaps some of us only, have some control.
Perhaps it is like an addiction of some kind, where some people have the willpower to not get addicted in the first place, some have the power to end an addiction and some, once addicted, have very little ability to affect the outcome, they just don't have it in their DNA. Most people I have talked to about this refuse to accept it, but my own experience pre and post stroke has shown me how big an impact relatively small parts of the brain can have. And sure, while mine is affected by stroke, each of us have different neural circuitry that we have very little understanding of and very low ability to direct its change.
I get the sense that a lot of the literature on these things also suffers from a survivor bias, where the success that some people has is not actually replicable across everyone, it is just that it happened to work for them. This also means that the people it doesn't work for, get blamed as if it is their fault for not trying hard enough, or not being committed enough. This is at least partly because of this socially accepted idea that we can each "be anything" we put our mind to, but for anyone who has a modicum of sense, they will have realized that it is utter bullshit.
Even the ability to "commit" is driven by factors that are outside of our control, so anything that requires commitment might be out of reach from people who do not have that hardwiring within them. Similarly, motivation and drive, as well as attitude and personality might be outside of our locus of control too, which means that we might not have the resources to affect the conditions of ourselves to deal with what we face well.
However, having said this, it doesn't mean that we can't each try to improve, even if our failure is most likely inevitable. There is little point to life, but there is even less in just giving up and accepting that nothing at all can be done. So, while I might not be able to perform anywhere near my past best, I can still try to perform at my best. The excuse of "dead brain" is there, but it doesn't get me any concessions in life that pays the bills, so I have to find a way to work with it.
While each of us might be unique, all of us are going to face various challenges throughout our lives. And while some might be worse than others, part of life is working out how to overcome them or risk being consumed by them. It is impossible to really compare experience between various events or even the same events, because we are each hardwired differently and as such, the way one person will be impacted, may vary greatly from another. The, "if I were you" statements just aren't relevant.
For me at least, talking and writing about these things does help a lot, as it allows me to "clear my mind" of some of the trash that collects as I face experiences. While I don't expect anyone to actually understand that much of what I am specifically going through, I do hope that it can help people who are going through their own things get a little respite or perhaps, build some thoughts that develops their own approaches to life, and facing and overcoming challenges. Maybe it will provide just enough to get through another day and then, look focus more clearly on the one to follow.
One day at a time.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
As a guy who has done zazen (zen meditation) daily for the past 20 years, I think we have less control than you might think. This isn't to lean towards determinism. (Zen would reject both sides of that coin, so I would too) We can take control, mind you, but most people don't. Well I don't want to offer possible judgement on anyone. That can take control might be very very difficult in many cases, but it is usually possible.
But anyway, it's not a matter of willpower, nor even of habit, it's of not paying attention. A thought arises in the brain, the result of habits of thinking or triggered by some internal or external event (our stomach grumbling, the doorbell ringing, etc), and we just run with it without ever examining where the thought came from or if we ever agree with it.
Well, that's my idea anyway, but I could easily be wrong.
Anyway, I apologize I sometimes miss your writing so if you mentioned the stroke before I didn't see. I hope your situation improves.
As said, I used to think we had more control, but I assume we have almost none these days. I think that we are also differently equipped naturally to handle these kinds of things, so what might work for some, will not work for all.
I also think that similarly, our ability to "pay attention" is going to be largely determined by things outside of our control. What if for example, the people who can successfully meditate, can only do so because there is a switch in them that allows it, whilst others are missing the switch? How to ever know?
Wish you overcome all the challenges you are facing and emerge stronger than ever.
I wish too :)
It is quite surprising when one realizes so much of "us" is really just chemistry. Makes one wonder how much free will comes into to it when much of how we respond to life is at the essence just molecules interacting.
Chemistry and random luck that determines who and how we are. I suspect that freewill is an illusion and we are only able to ever do what we have been programmed to do. Perhaps sometimes we can "kinda" determine which path of the program we will use, but even that might not be the case.
You need to quickly increase your HP to a whale. Then probably this income will be enough in the future, even without work. I will text you on Telegram who to follow in Hive and you will take an extra 12-15k HP per year.
I don't use Telegram! :D
200K off whaledom now - one day, one day...
it's a pity
Brain will repair and reconnect itself through neutral “rerouting”. Stay positive and give it time.
I “sense” something is a bit off. Air pressure? Magnetic field? Who knows. Something is not the same. That may be part of what you are feeling as well.
This happens in the first 6 months, maybe a year. Not much happens after that, though the brain can still "adjust" for years - they said that most of what comes after is negative :D
There does seem to be a collective situation - a kind of "giving up" feeling. It might just be that it is the end of a long year and people are getting the feeling that 2023 isn't going to be any better.
I think our effectiveness at using our brain/IQ decreases as the years pass by. At least, I feel it is like that for me now.
Yeah, but unless there is an issue, it isn't falling off a cliff :)
The is a true fact which we all as humans will experience and but what really differs is how we handle the situation
You seem to sense that something has changed medically. This means it HAS. Don't take no for an answer, find out what's wrong.
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There is little they can test at the moment, but I will still talk to a few different people in the coming weeks to see if there is something else that can help.
There has to be a reason for the change. Hopefully fresh eyes on the problem will help.
It happens to me even with a normal brain.
Otherwise, I understand you. I would keep examining, but shift my focus away from this condition. You write so deeply and clearly that 51-99% of humanity would envy it. I mean it. Look around you.
Maybe it's the way to self now more than ever... But I'm not at liberty to say that.
Get better!
Yeah, it is not uncommon, it might just be that the impact is more noticeable. It is like shrinking an inch - it affects a tall person less than a short :D
One of my good friends has said the same, that most people won't notice unless they know me well enough. But my experience is so "different" now.
Hold on! Get tested! But focus away from these thoughts. I don't know how you're going to do that). But you have to!
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I am not sure about IQ but my memory has gotten way worse over the years.
Nice hallucination image.
I wonder how far memory can degrade before it threatens survival.
If I remember correctly, the image is from the subway in Copenhagen
Mr. Taraz, I understand you and I know how you feel, I continue with health after cancer, and despite following my treatment at the foot of the medical orders I persist forward, although sometimes I do not have many reasons to stay.
Wonderful things happen, I do not know how to explain it, but I have lived it, "the miracle of life is a fact".
Receive an affectionate and respectful greeting.
Hopefully the treatment is working and things will not return that way for you. Cancer is like a spectre hanging over us all these days.
Yes, life is really strange and many times it's really impossible not to understand its meaning, but as you say, there's no point in giving up, you still have to fight and try. If writing helps then write as much as you can. Always move forward, one day at a time. A hug!
Fighting might be all we have left at the end of the day - which doesn't provide a lot of enthusiasm for the future of humanity! :D
Do take care and all the best! :)
Cheers and hopefully you have a good weekend.
It’s already weekend and it’s literally few days before Christmas. Take some time off and not do anything Taraz.
Next Friday I will head off and have a week away from work :)
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Well, this happens most times. If talking and writing about these things helps you out, then you should keep up with it and I hope you heal sooner. Thanks for sharing anyways.
@tarazkp The most impressive article I've read today. Sometimes I go through difficult times. Of course it is not as difficult as yours. Sharing is the best way to distract the mind. Now I will follow and I will definitely contribute comments on your articles. That's all I'm trying to do for now.
Blogging is one way of self expression. It will lessen the burden of your heart sometimes.