Dear diary,
Find me struggling to rediscover the path to my way of breathing and healing. The month of May was stitched in place by a quiet storm and the creative thoughts are just resurfacing from the depths of my clearing mind.
In a silent plea, I have requested the universe to leave me at the mercy of my overflowing inkpot just to try and see if I can get reconnected to the springs of my poetic spill and the liberating flow of my prose.
...dear wind, won't you teach me how to let go?
The story behind the smiling mask is long. It comes from a place of making uninformed decisions that involved repeating unhealthy cycles just because exploration of the unfamiliar sounds more terrifying than breaking the toxic routines.
How am I supposed to lean into the unknown? I have a thing for control and growth but won't hear any of it.
...dear sun, won't you paint my soul yellow every dawn?
After the plastic smile folds itself up, the fear that is in charge of staining my pens with doubts comes alive and the little warmth trying to reignite the fire that blazes it down whenever there's an opportunity dies at the thought of fighting back.
How am I going to invite joy where fear intends to reign? I can't force a smile on a bleeding heart.
Only through the magic of the vulnerability of my words can the light sneak back here and only words can bear the weight of my wounds.
...dear June, won't you be kinder than May?
Healing ain't graceful yes but if there was a way to get this space filled with pinches of light then the corners of my brokenness can radiate. Let your days wash over my mid calendar with patience for myself.
wambuku w.
Whenever I read your words about your loss of your poetic voice, they are poetic. It's there, always there, and always spilling out. I've read over your past few posts and there is no info on what has been so very difficult for you. Not the farm, the farm sustains you. A mystery you be. I wish you easier times, a clear connection to your own source, and abundance of all stripes.
Aaaah... And here comes the reminder that I am loved on by a loving stranger who keeps checking in on my soul through my rants. I'll gather the courage to drop a dm on discord but thank you so much for the concern. I am welcoming the easier times :)
We never did have that discord chat did we? I don't go there very often, but I think I'd get an email if you contacted me.
You are loved by way more than I. I know that you know this too.
OK that's a very lame attempt at a 5/7/5. I haven't been writing anything at all for a while now, I just don't want to. It's strange. I don't want to take photos, I don't want to blab about my day, I don't want to be thinking grand and lofty things. I just want to be. I like it here.
I do have to do a garden journal post though. Maybe that will jumpstart my blogging career, which brings me in a big 25 cents an hour for my time. Can you feel just how much I want to do this post? erg I'm gonna talk myself right outta it if I keep this up.
Thank you for listening to me think out loud.
xo
We never did but I gathered enough courage and left you a message there. Can you please take a peek and leave me your mail there? Also looking for one @trucklife-family on discord too... Can you help?
Not writing and like it there? I wish I knew what that felt like. I always want to write but I am never sure about what or sometimes how to. I overthink it to a point of talking myself out of it... Like I can see you doing with that garden journal, sigh.
The 5/7/5 attempt was perfect for my soul... 💕
How comfortable those toxic routines can be! I think the awareness that they are toxic and a routine is already a step toward breaking free; it gives us the opportunity to begin to choose the new (though doing so might be hard, I know). Thank you for sharing your journey reaching for the light. We've talked in the past about positivity and writing. It has been awhile since I read one of your posts; I feel like you have moved forward. I hope to offer that perspective as encouragement; certainly I am encouraged to see a fellow poet and writer doing this work.
It is a bitter pill to swallow but yes... The awareness is there and so is the realisation that this is the first step to breaking free but there is also the step of sitting with that negative vibe even if I kept it to myself and I am proud to say I did that too.
Thank you for your thoughts :)