A friend of mine just ended a chapter of his life, as his divorce was finalized and the shared house was signed over to his name, with his ex getting her part paid out, and him taking on more debt to do so. Being a couple can be far cheaper than being a single, but breaking up is very expensive.
One of the challenges they faced is the same that I faced when breaking up with my ex. Even though we weren't married, we had been together for six years and had a couple years earlier, bought an apartment together. When we parted ways, I ended up taking on the apartment and the car we shared, both having debt on them. But, while the car just transferred to my name as she didn't want it anyway, we had to decide upon the value of the apartment.
Easier said than done.
As we had only owned it a couple years, there was plenty to still pay on it, and even though we had bought relatively cheap and renovated, the value hadn't increased significantly. Not only this, it was 2009, so the prices were heavily down due to the financial crises. I had it evaluated and of course, so did she, pushed mostly by her father to do so, who undeniably had his daughter's best interest in mind. In fact, her father had someone quote a price without even seeing the apartment, which was 20% above the two other evaluations of people who had gone through it.
That wasn't going to fly.
Ultimately though, while it is obvious that the value would increase in time, it has to be the current market value of the apartment that gets considered. This is especially true since I myself was going to struggle to cover all the expenses on a single income, meaning I might have had to give up the apartment anyway. My ex understood this, and we ended up settling on the price of "sale today" plus a bit extra so that she could get started with a new rental and furniture.
We were on good terms though.
But, as expensive as it was for me at the time considering my situation, in the end it worked out well as I was able to scrimp and save to hold onto the place, pay off the car, and then a handful of years later when I eventually sold, prices had rebounded and the difference was enough to get into a new apartment with my now wife, and renovate. That then allowed us to make some gains there and move into the house we are in now.
Refleshing bones.
A few times in my life I have felt I have had to start from scratch, and it is never easy. A couple of times it has been financial, but a couple other times it has been where life has changed so significantly, I have felt like I have had everything ripped away and all that is left is bone. It isn't true of course, because having no money doesn't mean having nothing, as there are still skills and experience perhaps. Or, moving across the world into an environment with no network, doesn't mean having nothing either, as there are still those skills, experiences and attitudes that can aid refleshing.
My friend is kind of going through this now in some way, even though he is far from starting from scratch. However for him, now that things are finalized with the divorce, it feels like he has a new start and can start building again financially and socially. While hard, perhaps it is also a healthy process to go through in some way, as it might rejuvenate the view of life and also open up new experiences that might not have been considered otherwise.
I think that it also gives the possibility to review preferences based on gained experience and question whether a new path might be better. We change so much over time that it is natural that we would also change our opinions about a lot of things, but our history can also make changing to a new road very difficult.
From a financial perspective, I think that it is also healthy to review like this, because the decisions we made when we were younger generally aren't of the type that are going to make our lives financially better when we are older. We tend not to invest enough and we tend to spend far too much on short-lived experience, rather than lasting growth.
Regardless of what paths we take in life, we are probably all destined to go through periods of adding and losing flesh and having to rebuild in many areas of our life. However, like when considering an old house, no matter what it looks like, we need to ensure that we have good bones to build upon.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
That all sounds like a mess I hope I never have to go through. I have known others through who upon divorce or separation, have voluntarily taken on the majority of debt just to get the unpleasantness done with as little fighting as necessary. It's not a fair solution but one that happens.
In the last few years, I have seen one couple I am close with go through an extremely messy and nasty divorce. It was pathetic - especially on one side of the relationship.
Rebuilding a new life from a financial or social point of view may feel daunting due to changes on life's circumstances but as adults I feel we are resilient and strong enough to handle more than we know. Where it gets more difficult is when kids are involved and we have
to take more into consideration in how and where we shape our new life
Kids make it harder in relationship breakups for sure, as well as financial. I have not yet had to fully rebuild financially whilst a parent, but after the stroke it was a different kind of rebuild, and it did affect Smallsteps and still does.
Cool photo. Having debts must be one of the worst feelings. I will probably never be rich but at least then I sell art piece or earn Hive I know that money is mine. I am also glad that I am single. Less drama. Less fighting over a little money I do have.
I still haven't bought platinum plan in art gallery. It costs only around 10. But I intend to buy advertising/ promotion as well so the combined cost would be around 70 euros. Still I will probably buy it at the start of next month. For now I reinvested the money I got for a painting. Client paid me 80. And I already spent 79+ for canvas and paints.
Thanks - it is from the natural history museum :)
Debt sucks. A lot of debt is crushing.
Do you think the platinum plan makes sense for you? Do you think you will get more value than it is worth from it? If yes, than it is worth trying.
I hope that it will be worth it. It I could only get 1 piece sale out of it it would already be worth it.
Pretty tough story mate, I tried as much as possible to avoid shared property because we may never know. It ain't easy recovery from this. I'm still single because of this but eventually not for long
At the end of the day though, perhaps if we are trying to build decent relationships, we should not worry too much about the financial side.
Spoken like a wise experienced man, sometimes the relationship matters you're absolutely right mate
Same here. Especially man pay debt for years after divorce because people here attribute a meaning to the pre-marriage period, when they furnish their house, wedding stuffs... I believe that period could be easier and less stresful :)
Money makes life far weirder in relationships now, because while women are earning, the man still tends to pay more after a breakup.
Though times which only time can heal. Positive thoughts and hope.
Time heals all things - it also kills all things :)
This is a very tough time for your friend and I hope he heals. I’m just shocked that you and your girlfriend had properties together before marriage
That’s quite interesting
Lol - really? A lot of people never marry here also - so owning property together is normal.
I can't imagine having to start all over again. Especially now that I have been married for over 15 years. I think it would be a real struggle fest for me.
It sucks after any amount of time - but it sucks more when there is a lot of storage space that has been filled up! :)
We don't have too much stuff, my wife is a bit of a minimalist. I was thinking more emotionally and mentally. I wouldn't be able to handle starting from zero.
Wow
It’s like I’m learning new things here. Breaking up in Nigeria is far different from what happened to you and your Ex. Well, I’m sure it was because the two of you bought a house and car together?
Would I ever do that? Maybe, when I’m too much in love.
In Nigeria here, people always look for ways to outsmart each other so buying properties is it your man or woman is mostly at your own risk
Love doesn't factor into it. It is about practicality. It is cheaper to buy than to rent and pay someone else's mortgage.
I have to agree about not making financially wise decisions when we are younger that benefit us when we are older. Although I made many decisions then that have benefited us now, there are also many that bit us in the ass. We would have been much better off if we would have saved more, spent less on BS, and invested better.
All that stuff that seemed important to buy at the time, was useless!
it sure was and I look around we don't have any of it now either.
Honestly brother, starting over can be tough, but it often leads to new and better opportunities in life.
Dear @tarazkp !
I'm shocked that you've made your unpleasant past public!
From an East Asian perspective like mine, I felt that your act of making your private life public was dangerous!😯
I learned a lot from reading your articles, but at the same time I felt like you might be putting yourself and your family at risk!
At the same time I felt you were very brave!😃
I hope yourfamily's happy!
That is very sad.
Why?
Dear @tarazkp !
People often face difficult problems when their private lives become public.
I guess those who oppose your ideas might make rude attacks on you and your family.
I guess you forgot the emotional trauma this will have on him and have to rearrange everything back inline, the thing is, these will have a weight on him which will literally affect everything else, however with time he will heal from all of it
Going through 2 divorces and then losing a partner in an accident, I definitely know a thing or two about fresh starts. But they are only as good as the commitment I've put into changing myself, so event thought the details might be different, my situation is still mostly the same.
Glad it worked out for you. I think that if one has the option, it is mostly better to get the property since history has shown that it tends to go up. Breakups are already terrible, and having to deal with the different assets makes it worse. I wonder if a prenup can make much of a difference.