Discovering the outside world....
Since I decided to start revamping and reinvent myself, I thought about socializing & making new connections. I suck at this. I know that I am not always going to meet a good person but at least, I will learn how to navigate myself when meeting with bad apples. People say this world is scary, sometimes I would like to think otherwise. It is not scary when you know how to navigate yourself in it. I have read too many articles, books and essays on making connection yet I have not successfully practicing them. I was still having a shut in tendency and proud.
The thought of going outside was always dreadful. With my pre-existing condition, I found that I was no good at having filters, I either tell someone too much or too little. Not only that, I sometimes say inappropriate things or making a bad joke. I know some, who likes me just the way I am but generally, people don't. I avoid social interaction in fear of I hurt people than to actually making them joy. There are also many minor reasons including how I don't want to bring anyone into my messy life. I don't think my life is something one can understand or chew instantly. Even someone who has known me for so long, still don't understand some aspects of my life. For that reason, being a shut in did not help me get better.
Though, I am also a walking contradiction. I am able to travel occasionally when I cut loose all my fears. I talk to strangers, make new friends, exploring the outside world but rather frantically. Then I find myself once again not able to form a long-lasting friendship and sometimes ended up in a wrong place. I just wish there was a healthy balance to this. But thus far, I am still finding myself on the extremes.
I did not mind with the pandemic. My life did not change at all but lately, I needed a new entertainment, novelty and inspiration. Staying in my prison-like room has been feeling so suffocating. So, I decided to try something new, whether I can seek novelties and inspiration from outside. My first attempt of leaving my room was two days ago. I went to a small cafe a bit farther from where I live.
I went alone and tried not to get anxious. I could not find any outfit that fits me or even look good on me. Then, I realized participating in the outside world would mean, I need to take care of my appearance again. Though it is one of the thing I despise from the society but in order to participate, I will have to follow their rules and the games.
A few minutes in the cafe. I started to get a little panic because I left my mouse home. I also felt uneasy because there were some people around me. 10 or less people are already too much especially if they are not people who I am familiar with. I put off my glasses to be more oblivious about my surrounding.
Next 20 minutes, I felt like I was choking. I started finding it hard to breathe. I got more anxious even before I had my coffee. Luckily, I was prepared. I got my medication with me to ease my anxiety. But it couldn't be helped. I was still anxious.
I told myself, " it's okay. You will do better next time." At least, I got to eat a decent spicy tuna (not spicy at all) with a cup of macchiato. I felt like it was the highlight of my day. But yeah, I came home with lower energy than I was. Not to mention, a huge load of laundry.
I plan on going outside at least once a week. Trying a new place, maybe just a place where its food I tried but from home. Maybe I can save up and do it biweekly since that would give me more time to explore more places than just a place. I am also trying to keep giving myself reward or something to look up to, otherwise, I see no point in living the life.
I know that it's going to be a work being back to society and finding healthy balance. Kind of hoping that I will be much better than I ever was. I am also hoping to stop thinking, what I had then was better.
~ Mac
Am sure you’ll be able to enjoy life outside your home at one point in time. Great you making a real effort to try and do so. I’m was not too much different to you. Maybe I am still, but I learned to not listen to the fears so that I could enjoy the enrich feeling by interacting with real people. It feels most wonderful when we can be 100% ourselves, thats why usually stick with my friends. When I want to do something that I fear, I dont plan it, I dont set deadlines, but I make sure I instantly do it, without thinking, at some point in time. The trick is to not let this moment to happen too far into the future. NJOY Sunday and your next outdoor adventure :)
Normally I do this too but I also like to be prepared, where to go, what to do, what might happen, etc. Though I enjoy spontaneity, some safe net as to knowing what to do is appreciated. Thank you, you too. Enjoy your Sunday and hoping you can have an adventure as well.
Oww, I will :) Just freed up so much time I spend last few months by playing the game of poker, I shall make use of all these hours and hours before I get myself absorbed by things that keeps me in my home again. I'll start with making appointments with some of my friends and go from there :)
You can do it! (at your own pace)
I don't know if we share it the same way, but as an extreme introvert, I'm not good with socializing—I get drained most of the time. I prefer to be alone and enjoy silence. BUT I dream of being extroverted and was doing things I rarely do as an introvert, but always ends up exhausted and cutting of myself from everyone else for several weeks after that.
In blogging (I blog at WP aside from Hive), I can better express myself and socialize a bit without fearing face-to-face interactions. :)
Yeah, I generally feel that way. I can go socializing spree for weeks but I'd shut down for months. Still trying to find a healthy balance to that. I am not at all scared of face-to-face interaction, I am so chatty and I can talk for hours about anything. It's just that after, I would shut down.
I think you are the type that opens really up when you feel comfortable with somebody but when you notice the person is not so open as you are, you lock up.
I don't know where to classify myself in being an introvert or extrovert.
Why I said so if I have so many friends, if I am to say in number 3000 at least but at the same time I don't spend much time relating with people.
Except from going to work and coming back home, I'm not used to hanging out. We can actually be in the same house and you might possibly not know I am around that's because I spend my time mostly alone not doing anything but playing the guitar.
Yeah. This too. If someone is not open with me, I would not open to them. I don't disclose my information if they didn't. I normally can sense from miles if they just want to take an advantage of me, except some people, I admit they are good at disguising it.
Man you have so many friends! I don't think mine is over 20 and when I mention friend is someone I talk to daily and continuously.
Yeah, let me say those guys I call friends are people that I have interacted with and been acquainted together, plus I have almost 5k contacts on my phone.
The problem with me is that, I don't call people. I mean not for anything less important and it is hard reaching up with a lot of people I have known.
I play the guitar so I get to meet people even though I stay in doors.
@starstrings01, you may want to discover your personality in 16personalities test. It's not 100% accurate and by no means is a clinical result, but it's a good start.
I love solitude so much that I wanted to be a hermit and just live in a small hut in the mountains, but reality forces me to behave "normal" to pay bills and not go hungry. ;D
Yeah man ! that's what sucks with this all. You have to be "normal" or "die " lol