At the occupational doctor's yesterday, I was asking about whether I am able to get some support to rehabilitate my cognitive skills, in order to get back to work more effectively. One of the challenges I am facing is that because the stroke I suffered was mild, I don't look like there is anything much wrong with me, as my speech is okay and I can get by on day to day easily. However, when it comes to processing complexity, I struggle to think clearly, concentrate and get tired easily.
Be patient Grasshopper.
Fair enough, I do have to be patient, but the doctor (a GP and not a neurologist) was saying that while he didn't know exactly what I should do as that is a Neurological Psychologist's area, he knows I can't really break anything by pushing myself. What he did ask was how I knew I was struggling in various areas.
Well, while I have never been great at math in general, one thing I am pretty good at is estimating things like percentages and interest rates over time with enough accuracy to be workable. As I got into Hive and crypto, this came in handy for a range of things and I started playing around much more with numbers - which became even more interesting and important as my skin in the game grew over time.
Currently though, I struggle in these areas and I can feel the difference. I also struggle in Words with Friends (Scrabble) where I am unable to find words as easily or as fast to the point that the person I play with asked if something is up with me as I haven't been scoring the 100+ words like she is used to me getting. We have played almost daily together for something like 10 years now so she knows my game style and is pretty well qualified to notice the change.
I notice it too. I notice it in everything I do and it could be that I am paying more attention or more aware and self-conscious of my new shortcomings throughout the day, but it is definitely there. Even though I answer that things are getting better when people enquire about it, the speed of getting better is slower than I had hoped, which then gives me concern as to how far I can pull back to my old normal, or how low my new normal is going to be.
The doctor said that I will be able to live a normal life, but as I said to him, the problem is that my normal life is largely dependent on my ability to problem solve and with work that requires it and 25 years left until retirement, I am not keen on having to scale down into a new normal because of a lack of cognitive ability. In some way, it feels like some people think I should sit my mind into a mental wheelchair and stack shelves at the supermarket instead.
Now, there is nothing wrong with stacking shelves at the supermarket and I have done that job and several much worse in my time, but it isn't my normal. When we talk about what "normal" is, we might look at averages, but averages do not factor in the value of the individual or what they are accustomed to. I am not accustomed to a great deal of money, but I might currently make slightly more than average, so taking a significant step back is going to be uncomfortable, even though there are plenty of others who are surviving there.
But it isn't about the money, it is about my own sense of self-worth and contentment in life. I value work a lot, but I do not value all work equally. Call me an idealist, but I want the work I do to have more meaning to me than the paycheck once a month and will and have earlier, taken jobs that pay less, but offer me more meaning. Often, I see that the jobs where I can earn and simultaneously feel I am helping others accomplish their needs and wants too, are where I feel the most content. Which is probably how I ended up in different forms of training people to improve skills over the last 30 years.
I think that Hive delivers a lot of this value for me too, as while there are a million ways to earn here, I think that where I lean the heaviest is where I feel that I can give something of value to the community, while still being able to receive myself. It might be content, or curation, advice or support, but there is personal value in doing something that moves in both directions.
Perhaps that is what my fear of not recovering could be, where I am worried that I will not be able to deliver something of value for the communities in which I operate, leaving my useless, valueless and perhaps completely irrelevant and dependent on others.
This is of course not the entire case, but if you imagine being really good at a position in a team sport and then suddenly only being able to perform at 80% of what you were, you can imagine that your value to the team has been significantly lessened, especially if the team is performing at a high level. Even if the 80% is better than the average, it isn't good enough to remain a professional.
The Olympics have just kicked off and any athlete performing at only 80% of their best will likely be far better than the average person, but they will have approaching zero chance of winning their discipline, because everyone else is performing at close to 100. While I am far from an expert in many things, I am pretty good at the work I do and have built up a reputation based on my track-record of performance. I have set a pretty high bar for myself.
I have done the same thing here on Hive too where I have built a reputation around my content and I wonder what would happen if I started pushing out 200 word posts instead of 1000. I suspect that I will lose support quickly and in more ways than post rewards. Because of this, no matter how much I might struggle at times, I will try my best to maintain my standards and keep my track record intact. Let it slide here, a place I value and is important to me, it makes it far easier to let it slide in the areas of my life that I don't enjoy nearly as much.
When there is a lot of disruption and things get hard, it is easy to let things slide and take the foot off the gas, and I believe having a stroke is a pretty good excuse. Yet, I also believe that taking the pressure off or coasting for too long in this particular area, will be detrimental to my recovery and make my new normal, significantly lower than my old.
In some ways, it is like the story of training a flea. All that needs to be done is to put the flea in a jar and close the lid. The flea which can jump very high, will hit its head a few times on the lid and then adjust its jump so it no longer reaches it. Then, you can take the lid off the jar and the flea will never jump out, as it has learned and been conditioned to restrict itself.
We often hear about conditioning the mind for better performance, yet we seem to often ignore all the ways we condition our minds for poorer performance too. I see that so many of the things we do and consume are designed to be thoughtless and keep us restrained - they are lids on our nature. But, because of the way this works, we do not even know what we are missing out on.
Currently at least, I can feel the things I have lost, as I know what I could do and what I am struggling with now. But, I don't want to have my performance, opportunity, salary or contentment capped because I didn't do the work necessary to recondition my head. Sure, I know it will never be the same and there might be value in the difference too, but the scariest thing for me at the moment is how easy it would be to just sit back and say - this is my new normal.
The only way to discover if that is the truth, is to believe there is no lid and jump, even if it hurts my head.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
After reading this blog I think you'll do just fine. i know it's definitely a setback on some areas but trust me as long as there a small progress or percentage of things going in the right direction then time is all it's going to take.
You can just try to enjoy life more and be happy, sometimes having a positive mind set is the push we nee to get back on track . Keep pushing, I believe you are stronger than this and you'll get through with it.
Stay safe and have a great day ahead.
Hopefully, but it is a weird process to go through, as I am very aware of the gap. It is hard to explain :D
Did your GP give you a referral to a Neurological Psychologist's, or give you the name of one to talk to? (In America you have to have a referral it seems to any level doctor above GP)
It is hard for people to see that they may have been capped at their jobs with just not being told what needs to be done, or what areas are needed to be improved. Most employees are so afraid of talking to their boss that the fear has self capped their own progress.
I've seen a lot of so called "Brain Puzzles" available on line, also tons of improve your brain function sites: but for myself I just have a hard time believing in the game to a better mind attitude that some of these sites offer. I have never done a search to see if there are any legit sites out there.
If computer games were so great for the mind then we would have a whole lot more smart people than we do.
You know yourself best, so keep fighting for yourself.
The neurologist (public) seems to have forgotten, but it was meant to be added. the occupational doctor has added a note for them for a recommendation to one for the public side, but they don't have one available to me directly, at least not covered by work.
in this area I am lucky, because I have been talking with them since the night I went into hospital. Now it is just working out the details on how to get back into it.
I don't trust many of those "brain games" either and from what I have read in the past, is that they do not have lasting effects and are often very specific in certain areas, not generalized out as a skill.
We should be living on Mars and mining Saturn by now :D
Performance is totally rely upon health.it does not necessary to think about yourself 80% performer at new set of normalcy. please ,priotised your health issue and get fit 100% .A good content can be created with healthy mind and positive thoughts.you may be down for little time but your skill and ability will never let you down forever.your writings is one of the gems which i interestingly read always.cheers & take care.
My health is my mind in this case though. This is about brain function and not actively working toward improving it, literally thinking about it, is ignoring my health :)
Maybe a Rubik's Cube or doing cardboard puzzles might help? Also might suggest crossword puzzles and sudoku. Keep pluggin man, it'll come back.
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If I could solve a Rubik's cube, I'd be a millionaire!! :D
I am playing a lot of word games and running numbers in my head when I can, trying to dig into all kinds of areas of the brain. I also read some Dr Seuss books fast as many are essentially tongue-twisters, as I have to rebuild my speech patterns too. It is kind of fun to rehab, it is also kind of scary what is on the line.
Hi @tarazkp ,my regards to you and what you do here. Newbies like me must have to be grateful for your selfless assistance.
Sorry I'm just getting to know through this post,this recent health condition of yours.
Sir,this post is even richer than many who are free from the health challenge you are going through. How is that for performance,inspite of limitations?😊 Amazing!
I hope you get to see a Neurological Psychologist soon, but most importantly stop worrying and fussing about it and be patient. I like this your last line:“The only way to discover if that is the truth, is to believe there is no lid and jump, even if it hurts my head.”
Let your mind be and heart be fixed on a positive outcome–expect it wholly. Be positive that you would get back to your former heights and much more even. Cut out the "what if I don't" questions please. Believe "there is no lid,and jump." Patience is key here,no unnecessary pressure please.
You have a Holy Bible? A good thing to spend time "marrying" it now,it is the best book for true peace– peace in the heart, which practically becomes health to the body. I tell you the truth.
Best regards sir,my prayers are with you.
Thanks again for blessing lives.
Cheers
When it comes to fixing the brain in this regard, patience is one thing, passivity another. It is a very active process that requires constant thought and adjustment, otherwise the best that can be achieved is doing the average.
As for a Bible, no, I don't think marrying a Bible would help. But then, I don't believe in a God as many others do and think religion often does more harm than good in this world.
That's the thing,people often confuse patience for passivity always. In case you didn't notice, "patience" was not used in terms of being passive in the context of my write-up. Not fussing is different from being passive, that is why I did a re-broadcast of part of your post,which emphasizes activity. I only gave you a basis for activity to continue– tasking the mind gainfully.
Why did I first applaud your entire post? I wanted more of thesame and even better, which means keep pushing.
When I talk of the Bible I do not talk of religion please. It contains lots of history that is verifiable. It tasks the brain and mind and heart too very brilliantly. People often only think of it in terms of religion.
Get better soon sir,as I maintain prayers,I don't do religion please.
Hang in there! I am sure that good things come to those who wait and work hard for it. Never give up, never surrender - and I am really confident that you will start climbing back to your normal levels. 💓
I think part of the problem is being home so much, rather than at work. Maybe once I get into a more normal work routine, things will seem a little closer :)
For sure! I really think that being home is a total mood killer and it's also probably the main thing that is keeping you down. I am quite confident that once you get back to your normal work routine, things will start working out!
Well, it may be slower from your perspective, but from ours receiving the well-written words in a single electronic chunk, there's no perceptible difference. Still the excellent information and well worded phrase.
I'm no doctor, but I did do quite a bit of research and work with people suffering from Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI). If you think about how little of our brains we use, there is actually quite a bit of extra room. One of the things we used to focus on with those with TBI, PTSD, or even addiction damage, was rebuilding "new" synapse connections. Things we do repeatedly tend to build "synapse highways" in our brains where once the brain recognizes a certain pattern (or thinks it does) it kind of automatically engages those synapses quicker than others in a pattern as well.
One of the most beneficial things we found was not necessarily pushing the same old things harder to repeat (which is also good), but even more benefit by introducing Change. We used to focus on having a person change as many daily habits and patterns as they could to stimulate new areas of the brain, break out of those synapse patterns to engage more of them and differently. It doesn't have to be hard, or lengthy, it only takes microseconds, key is introducing more quick, frequent changes multiple times a day. Examples would be: Brush your teeth with the opposite hand, put your shirt on first instead of pants, or vice versa. Take a different route to work (and pay attention to the different things along the way, don't just zone out). Go up or down the stairs backwards (carefully). Have breakfast for dinner. Look around the room and notice different shapes or colors. Try some of these, you'll notice the slight mental shift immediately and almost feel the brain engaging differently :)
Enjoy!
Yes. What @ksteem said.
25 years to retirement is such a long time. Isn't there an early retirement system due to incapable of working?
I definitely want to work. I don't plan on ever relying on a government for money.
That's obvious from your words. I just thought the case.
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STOPThis is probably the best description of what you're going through to someone who sees you and feels you're okay on the outside.
I like the fact that you have refused to accept yourself at 80% though, as I believe it will help a lot in the recovery to 100%. We'll be here with you and as you document your recovery, I hope the speed surprises even you
You will never be that flea.
Your fear of not recovering will keep you moving and striving. The length of your posts is not what drives us here. It is you, your personality, and your way of looking at life.
That has not changed.