As a kid, we would pull into the service station, wind down the window and someone would ask "how much?"
Fill her up.
While the car was being filled, the attendant would wash the windscreen and potentially even check the oil level, if asked or they thought it might be needed. Most of the time, there was friendly banter going back and forth, with random stories told to bring a smile to the face.
This is back when people mattered.
These days it is quite different, where we are increasingly moving toward a culture of compartmentalized self-service, where not only do we not interact with people directly, we are also using online services where we don't even see people at all. Some people prefer it this way, as conversation with strangers can be awkward, yet many don't seem to realize that it is a developed skill and its development has implications on other aspects of our lives that we value, like personal relationships.
Randomly, a couple of times today the change in culture due to corona has come up, with some people hoping things don't go back to before where they have to for example, get handed a receipt instead of take it themselves and others, hoping that there will be a return to human connection, even to a higher degree.
I am hoping for the latter, as I have the personal understanding that we are social animals that have evolved to have certain practices that enrich our lives, like human contact. What I find interesting is that some people seem to discount this, even though they have already likely benefited from it. From birth, parents are wired to interact with their children, holding them close and kissing and blowing on their scrapes and bruises to make them feel better. If you heard of a parent that refused to hug their child, you would likely think it strange.
This is part of the socialization of children into adulthood and even if we can survive without, out bodies are conditioned for human contact. Denying contact leaves the body wanting which is why studies have shown that a little contact, like handing over change in a shop, improves the rating of customer service.
However, we have an increasing number of ways we can avoid dealing with people directly, without considering the cost of doing so. People want an easy experience, yet there is far more drama these days than there once was and it spills out into the world globally. We are no longer very good at building and maintaining trusted relationships and perhaps are not very good at relationships at all. Relationships are skill-based systems and those skills are learned from childhood and mature as we do, but when we avoid the practice of building them or only build them in engineered and manipulated environments, they will not mature to be well-rounded skills and when applied to complex environments like the real world, will fail.
Yet, even if we avoid that real world, millions of years of evolution has made us seek for relationship connection and when we do not find it in humans, we will put a surrogate in its place. This surrogate might take the form of a game, a streaming service or perhaps some kind of addiction - but tends to be a consumptive act, where reciprocity in the relationship is not required. Essentially, we are creating a "partner" that is our on-demand slave, putting us in the role of master of what we consume. Yet, because of our craving for that relationship, we are actually a slave of consumption itself.
So much of the consumer goods and services look to leverage our need for connection by making us the center of attention, making us feel liked, like we are in a relationship with someone, with that someone being unknown, yet familiar. Look at the idea of Instagram where there are accounts that are just a stream of selfies and imagine it from a real-world experience.
Back in the day, "slide nights" were a thing where people would go on holiday and then invite close friends around to show them their holiday snaps. These can be boring affairs since a lot of what is shown and the associated stories were "had to be there" affairs, but the social aspect of spending time together, eating, drinking and chatting about what is important to each other had value. Imagine the same scenario where someone invited you around to see some pictures, only to find out that they were all selfies, with the odd lunch and fancy dinner thrown in between. Would you find it strange?
Probably - but online, you might enjoy it and get the sense that it is personal, that you are getting a glimpse into someone's life, building a relationship - even though everything is one-sided and from a singular perspective of the person uploading the content, no matter how many angles of their chin they might present. It is a replication of a relationship to elicit the feeling response of building a relationship, yet there is no social learning, no skill development taking place.
It doesn't matter how many selfies we double-tap, it doesn't make us better in real world social interactions, it doesn't make us better friends, partners or parents. There is no "human" in it.
As said, I am hoping that whatever happens in the future world with viruses and technology, there will be an increasing return to human interaction and the development of skills that enhance our experience together. In my opinion, a lot of the social problems we face in the world currently are driven by our inability (lack of skill) to negotiate a life of increasing complexity. We can avoid it by withdrawing into our compartmentalized worlds, but doing so will leave our human circuitry unfulfilled.
In my opinion, failure to reconnect with each other or becoming reliant on consumption to fill the gap, will increasingly place in a simulated environment where we are divided and conquered, by choice. Though, perhaps this sounds appealing to the increasing number of people who are seemingly unable to deal with the world of humans and are wanting to enter the life of a robot, conditioned to follow the code.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
Just recently we spent several weeks in Florida. Beautiful weather every day, the kind of weather that, back in the day , would bring out neighborhood kids in flocks. You couldn't' t wait to get home from school to play with your friends. Every friend you had, you would also know their parents and interact with them as well.
The entire time we were on vacation, the only kids we saw were standing at the bus stop. There was no interaction between any of them as they were all wired in. The place we rented for 5 weeks was in a neighborhood full of kids that only appeared when getting on and off of the school bus. On weekends, with weather to kill for, it was like a ghost town. Only once did we see a kid outside over a weekend.
I said to @farm-mom, there is a kid. He was in the neighbor's yard, by himself. With a bat in hand, he threw up the ball and hit it. After striking the ball, he dropped the bat, left the ball where it landed and proceeded to go inside.
This whole scenario was depressing. Kids need to play, exercise and interact with others, but we saw none of that.
Technology is consuming these young minds. Where will this leave them in the future in the way of social skills, totally lost I'm afraid.
This type of behavior I lay at the feet of parents. It seems that just as long as the kid is busy and not disturbing their parents, then the parents are fine with this.
Social skills are learned by socializing. Only time will tell us just how far reaching this type of behavior has impacted their ability to function as a caring adult.
When all is said and done so many things that make us human will have gone the way of black and white televisions.
Lets just take the skill of learning to be empathetic. I see empathy as a must-learn skill that brings more ease and understanding to your life and relationships!
Cognitive empathy is the ability one has to identify and understand other people's emotions.
Without people interacting with one another, this one social skill of the many that should be manifested through interaction, is impossible to develop.
I think technology brought us, strangers, closer, made the world smaller but real life connections more distant. For me it's wonderful to be able to interact with people from all around the world but everyone should take care that their real family and friends are not neglected.
Covid-19 is an enemy that is robbing us from our real life connections, keeping us from touching, hugging, Masks keep us from reading facial expressions, makes you fear the ones without masks.
I am also hoping to go back as things were, but I don't see it anytime soon. South Africa came out of a second wave and already they are talking about the 3rd wave in our winter in 2 months time.
Thank you for writing.
I find myself extending my hand and forgetting this is frowned on. I have always thought it to be very respectful to shake a person's hand and look them square in the eyes. So much of what comes naturally, hugs, handshakes, and the likes now make so many people feel uncomfortable. This virus thing has to end pretty soon or I think people will continue to grow further apart.
This is one of the issues I think many of us have - as we get "satisfied" without having to leave the phone.
Funny isn't it? For 20 years the idea is that "covering the face" is culturally inappropriate - yet here we are. Also, a year ago if I was walking into a store with a facemask on, they would assume I am there to rob it.
Thanks for replying.
Insane!
!ENGAGE 40
Thanks very much for your continued support and generosity.
I have written about it before that even when speaking to each other directly, they tend to look over the should of the other person, not at the eyes.
I believe this leads onto depression later in life too. Lots of twentysomethings who should be having the best time of their lives, sitting alone in front of a screen, pretending they are living.
It gives the parents time not to have to be with the kids, so then they can consume their adult stuff.
But I wonder - what will be a valued skill in the future? Are the kids building them now? I don't think so, as they are a consumer generation, not a generative generation.
This is a whole other thing too. When they consume from the screens, what they are seeing is a characterization of behavior, but miss the subtlety and nuance to actually read reality. Unless it is spelled out to them, they have no idea what is going on - which leads to all kinds of system failures.
Interacting with others is a skill that takes years to develop, and still some people have yet to master them.
For most people, talking comes easy, but listening is difficult and requires a certain amount of attention.
It's almost as if people are afraid to make eye contact these days and being a good listener requires skills that seem to have vanished into the abyss.
I taught special education for 30 years. When I first started the students I taught were classified as Socially Maladjusted, not a very flattering term but it hit the nail on the head. Most of the children came from very dysfunctional families. One of the best books that I ever used to teach social skills was this book.
It included social skills like, Learning to Accept No For an Answer, learning how To Great Someone, just to name a few.
We would role play these skills and it was a wonderful sight to see these kids learn how to interact and behave properly in the company of others.
These skills are of such importance, now mor than ever, that they should be incorporated into every educational curriculum at every level.
ENGAGEtokens.I recently moved from a city to a small town (<5000 population). The first thing I noticed is that the kids are all playing outside. No "devices" in sight. When they want to see if a friend is home, they go knock on the door and ask whoever answers the door if they are allowed to play.
I've never seen this in any of the cities I've lived in.
Parents sit on their front step and passively watch their kids while talking to the neighbours. Frequently, "adult beverages" will be brought out and shared.
When COVID demanded lock down ... the kids worked out a way to still play outside without too much physical interaction. Even in the winter, the kids are out building snow forts and tobogganing down snowbanks.
My neighbours frequently bring "extra" baked goods over - chat for 5 minutes, then head away. On a nice sunny day, walking down the street to get the mail is occasionally a 1 hour event if you stop to say hi to everyone who's out in their yard.
I'm not sure it's really about being wired in ... versus being in an environment where the parents feel absolutely safe letting their kids run around outside. This forms a bond between the parents as well. If my kids going to play with your kids for hours in my back yard, do you feel comfortable that I'm going to comfort your child if they get hurt, feed your child if they get hungry etc etc.
If I walk out of my house, looking right or left, I can name the adults and children of the first 3 houses on either side of the street in both directions. When I lived in an apartment, I rarely knew the names of the neighbours that lived directly across the hall.
This, obviously was a choice I made ... but I didn't make it on purpose ... or did I?
I grew up in this town :) But I am old and from the country.
I am guessing you are US-based. In Finland, it is very, very safe - yet many people still tend to almost encourage the screens, even though they also say "not too much screen time". Not everyone though. Our neighborhood tends to have a lot of kids wandering around in groups getting up to kid mischief.
This is a funny thing. Again, Finns aren't generally very social, so I am seen as weird, but excused as I am Australian. I tend to talk to the neighbors too, even when we don't speak the same language well together. I like the idea of local communities of people knowing each other. Having a BBQ and inviting the neighbors over the fence for a burger. makes life richer.
Has it all been a good culture shock?
To be clear, I grew up in a small town (<1000) then moved to the cities for University and Career. Growing up was just like I described. I had to walk 1.5km to get to school, starting around grade 2, but I knew the families that lived in every other house on the way. I'm glad to get back to the smaller town - it feels a lot more like "home".
Often time not to long ago, a coffee shop was abuzz with various conversations going on. Now-a-days a coffee shop is more like a mausoleum full of people but dead quiet. two or three people out for coffee all sharing a table and no real conversations as the noses are tucked into laptops, smart phones or other devices. The most common heard phrase at the coffee shop, "Ooh!, look at this!" Covid rules and lock downs have only exacerbated this problem.
I always found it weird in Finland that people would go out for coffee "together" and sit their reading newspapers. They love the smartphone life here - I get bored.
The thing with the technology is that it brings us so close but at the same time makes us so distant to each other...
I wonder if it does bring us close, or if it is just the feeling that it brings us close. We get tricked into thinking there are connections that don't actually exist.
... In the same way as a day of watching porn will not replace the light touch of a hand (let alone other parts of the body) of a real woman.
Cool messages. Sorry for the crude analogy (in extreme examples, everything is learned faster).
I agree. People often criticize me for being too extreme in the examples I use IRL - yet they always remember the lesson :)
That sounds ideal, that way there can never ever be even the remotest hint of a possibility that anything wrong could ever be our fault, it will always absolutely and always be completely someone else that caused the problem and they need to be harshly and severely dealt with and deserve all sorts of grossly disportionately horrible things to happen to them XD
This article made me realise that I'm missing human interactions as I'm busy spending more time on my phone and other stuff.
We do need touch and connection. There are serious studies which have shown the severe impairment that a child can have due to the lack of touch in early years. Even as adults, we need it. And I refer to emotional, spiritual touch, as well as to the phyisical one. We can see a lot of depressed people with issue because of this new way of interacting online. Glued to the screens some forget how to have a genuine real conversation. They freeze. It is sad, very sad to watch people love plastic more than humans.