This week was the start of a big change for our daughter at the daycare, as we made the decision to move to a lactose- and gluten- free meal plan for her. This would give her a much wider selection of foods and perhaps more importantly for her, is that most of what she will get is the same as others. She has been really excited about this change.
Today, the first mistake was made, as she was accidentally given a piece of normal dark rye bread and luckily she only ate a little of it before it was noticed. Normally she would have mentioned unfamiliar food to the teachers, but because this was the first week and there has been a lot of new items, she just thought it was another. When the teachers realized, they made a bit of a deal of it which upset our daughter a bit, because she felt she had done something wrong.
They called to inform us and check what to do and we assured them it isn't the end of the world and if affected, she might get an upset stomach or a skin rash. It might take a couple days to react if it does, but since she only had a bit, it should be okay.
What was interesting was that when she was eating her evening snack tonight, she asked us what her responsibility is as a child and what is an adult's. She didn't know the word in English, but she did know it in Finnish, so it must have come up somewhere along the line. I found this quite an interesting question to come from an almost five year old and I guess it was inspired by the events of the day.
We talked about it at a pretty basic level and from the perspective of the things she knows. We said that it wasn't her responsibility to make sure the bread was gluten-free, but if she did notice, it is her responsibility to let someone know. We also talked about things like keeping her room neat and tidy, but generally, just enjoy life. She then added other responsibilities like going to daycare and for us, making sure we get to work on time in the morning.
I then added that as her parents, it is our responsibility to help her be healthy and happy and how at times, that might mean that she isn't happy in the moment, but may be happy afterward. For example, we make sure that she eats food that keeps her healthy so she has the energy to grow, play and have fun. She got the idea fast and said that if for example she eats ice cream all the time, she wouldn't be able to go to the park and play, as she will be ill in bed. Close enough. We also spoke about some examples like brushing her teeth, making sure she has suitable clothing and is clean.
A lot of older kids these days don't seem to think much about their role in this world, their place. They seem to think that they have no responsibilities and as such, can do what they want, when they want without obligation or consequence. It seems that a lot of parents don't mind them ruling the roost in this manner either, choosing to be friends with their children instead, or at least, not upset them and give them happiness as often as possible, even if it is going to cost them happiness later.
As I was explaining to my daughter, while her mother and I make many decisions for her now, she has the freedom and responsibility to make some of the decisions herself. And as she grows, she will have more and more decisions to make to the point that all will be hers and whatever she decides, it will be our responsibility to support her the best we can.
I told her that our hope is that she will learn to make good decisions, but just like at the daycare today, everyone makes mistakes. There is nothing wrong with making mistakes, we just need to learn from them so that we can make better decisions next time and understand that we have to learn how to accept the mistakes of others also, not just our own.
It was quite an advanced conversation, but over the last couple of months she seems to be going through a phase with these kinds of things and we are trying our best to empower her curiosity. We have done this from the start and are lucky that her language skills have been so high that we can discuss with a fair amount of breadth and have her understand, considering her age. We are able to adjust what we are speaking about and how based on the questions she asks and have gotten pretty good at it.
The last thing we left her with was what is always her responsibility.
If she has something on her mind and wants to talk about it, it is her responsibility to speak with us and no matter what it is, it is our responsibility to listen.
Taraz
[ Gen1: Hive ]
Oops, glad the mistake wasn't too critical, the staff (probably) weren't intending to make her feel bad etc but well you know what can happen with bad food allergies x_x But yay for the food expansion! That is definitely a great thing :)
That's a great discussion to have with a small child! With her I'm sure stuff will stick and hopefully it's this easy when this conversation comes up again (probably in a slightly different form) in the future XD
While this is probably as it is for some, there are times when it's super easy to make this judgement call without having a clue what's going on behind it. Like this description was pretty accurate for us and our daughter in the two years before this one, and it would have been super easy from the outside to smugly dismiss it as a clear cut and dried case of terrible parenting and they know beyond any measure of a doubt that they would never let their own kids (where applicable) EVER get to that stage. Meanwhile we had somewhat not been expecting the events that led up to our nonsense (okay I really should have but when my intuition was sounding massive alarms I was busy trying to rationalise and logic them out because just like previous times they made no sense whatsoever in the moment and "everyone" says that intuition/feelings are just flat out wrong for the most part, well these days that can go get royally fucked with a red hot poker and I'll go with the thing that has a proven track record no matter how ridiculous and nonsensical and illocial it is at the time) and were doing the best we could at the time and not always (okay quite often not x_x) making the best decisions in the heat of the moment (and there were a LOT of very heated moments) and there was so much going on for that child that her head wasn't on straight (we're doing much better now but I feel like some things are going to take forever to fix if they ever do).
Now this one is a fun thing that I don't know if it's a thing that's increasing or just looks like it is because internet means we can see a lot more. I see a lot of "kids" (anything from actual kids to young adults, basically anyone younger than me is a "kid") who seem to be expect to be forgiven (often immediately otherwise the other person is terrible) for things because "everyone makes mistakes" but someone else making the exact same mistake absolutely deserves to be ridiculed/dragged through the mud and constantly denigrated and have this mistake brought back up years later like nobody but them is capable of changing and learning.
It befuddles me somewhat, I guess I'm too old for this? XD
She has two main teachers, one left over the summer, the other had a day off, so both were familiar, but not her main teachers who made the mistake. They were super apologetic. It must be hard to have so many annoying parents with allergy kids, most of whom have no allergies other than "trend allergies".
yes. Recently, we were at one of Smallsteps friend's houses for the first time and were talking to the parents. Their daughter (4 yr) and our's bff was going to bed after 11 in their bed, constant tantrums etc. We were talking about the differences. Now, they have her into bed at 930, far less tantrums and generally in a better mood. This was only three weeks ago when we were there and they had started to make changes and now the entire family is functioning better, as there is more sleep going on an more family time without problems, as well as more alone time for the parents.
I think that often we take the easy way out to avoid conflicts and it leads to the hard way. I reckon that a lot of us do what we think is right or do what "the books" say or whatever, without really paying attention to what is going on first, without listening. Each kid is different in many ways, but also similar in many ways too.
Heat of the moment decisions generally aren't the best, but they get worse when there are tired people and most moments are heated. Our parenting style is far from perfect (my wife's is better than mine) but we are active parents in the sense thatwe do our best to listen to the situation in the moment, but also try to set up habits that support Smallsteps to think and act for herself. She has a massive amount of freedom, but also seems to think a lot of others. We are lucky with her for sure.
Forgiven, not forgotten. I didn't add it into the conversation here band only touched on it with Smallsteps, but the extension goes into the decision-making area. Everyone makes mistakes and we have to accept that, but it doesn't mean we have to pretend that what was done doesn't matter. We still have to decide what we do with the information and how it affects our relationship with the person.
I am far too old for this. I wish I had kids when I was 20ish. I was far smarter and knew so much more than, that it would have been easier.
Aaaargh your poor friends x_x we had similar problems with youngest at 4, he quite simply would not sleep no matter how exhausted he was til between 11pm, and 2am x_x Ended up having to do melatonin as nothing we did (bedtimes, routines, wearing out during the day) resulted in going to bed at a reasonable hour (apparently it's a common adhd thing).
I'm terrible at heat of the moment decisions x_x
I think what you discussed already was quite appropriate for her comprehension levels. This is one of those things that you'll find yourself talking about with different focuses and depths as time goes by, I think it's really cool that it was able to be brought up now :)
Oh I love that, to tell if something is bothering her is her responsibility. I did not learn that lesson until I was a good fifty years old. I was told the opposite as a child actually. Good parenting!
I think most were told the opposite or at least, the opposite was demonstrated. I remember telling my parents things as a kid and then getting punished for telling them. Taught me not to tell :D
It's good to control what to eat as it is good for health of not
I have gain lot of wight by eating fast food🍔🍟
It isn't the fault of the food. It is that we eat it that is the issue.
It's hard to control one self when food is just so damn tasty
If there was a god, wouldn't it make healthy food taste better? :D
Lol yeah he might
She's lucky because she has a wise and responsible parents. Not everyone is lucky as her.
Responsible yes, wise perhaps not :)
It's good to have an active discussion like this
Without coercion or pressure, only guidance to the right path with persuasion and patience
With the way the world is going, I don't want to be passive and let society raise my child.
Balance is important for a good diet
Because this has been a thing for a long time, it is also kind of funny what we have to say sometimes as her favorite foods are not sweets, they are things like corn on the cob, grapes and cheese.
Needs an uncle G-dog hug.
Won't be long I hope.
I'd say that's true 99% of the time.
This is something a lot of people need to learn to do. A lot of problems and issues seem to be from a lack of active listening on the part of people.
Parents tend to forget that they set the example for this, and then wonder why children don't listen to them.
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I like it when kids bring up intelligent conversations... well as they say the fruit does not fall far away from the tree.
What many families lack is that communication spirit, in fact lack of it does not strengthen family ties. Imagine going for a family show and you are blindfolded with each members of the family questioned on how much they know each other.
as a child, she is beginning to have the courage to talk about what worries her or what you think is best for her and it's okay if I must contribute. Kids have rights just like adults, by letting them know about their rights and responsibilities, you are giving them permission to ask questions and also rebuild your family.
she is a smart girl