Epílogo de un suicidio inminente.
Se había cansado de luchar contra la corriente que a ratos se volvían los rápidos más fieros del río más peligroso, una constante lucha para subir a la cima a la cual jamás llegaría ya que a cada paso que daba retrocedía tres, una mente confundida llena de demonios que habían nacido hace tantos años que ya ni siquiera recordaba cómo o cuándo había sido.
La constante lucha de su cabeza y los gritos internos hacía que doliera a cada instante y las sonrisas que antes podía fingir hoy costaban demasiado, sólo lograba hallar algo de paz en los momentos que encontraba un espacio para estar sola, le gustaba ver el cielo e imaginar que era una nube, de esas que están plácidas flotando en el cielo sin preocupaciones de ningún tipo -me gustaría ser una nube y solo flotar hasta donde me lleve el viento- se repetía reiteradas veces esa frase como si invitará a la muerte a venir a buscarla ya que su cobardía impedía que ella misma fuese en su búsqueda.
El sentimiento de ser innecesaria, poco amada o valorada no ayudaba en lo más mínimo a que se sintiera mejor, de todo era culpable y las miradas con odio se tatuaron en su memoria las cuales venían cada noche en medio de sus pesadillas, cada una de ellas le reafirmaba que no era querida por nadie en ese hogar que era una fachada de falsa felicidad.
La empatía hacia ella no existía ya que cada cosa o dolencia que sintiera se minimizaba o comparada con alguna de ellos mismos haciéndola quedar como una tonta, como si lo suyo fuese la misma nada dentro del magnánimo todo del resto. Empezó a sentir un nudo en la garganta el cual creció como si fuese una roca gigante, le costaba respirar y se callaba, que sacaba con decir lo que sentía si nadie le haría caso o escucharía, no había con quien hablar, en quien confiar, su propia familia se había encargado de ponerla mal ante los ojos del resto de parientes, sus tíos y tías le apodaban la "loca" mientras que sus primos y primas le hacían malos gestos y se reían de ella a carcajadas, a quien le diría esto, no había nadie, absolutamente nadie.
Se apagaba tan lento la llama de su vida y sus ganas de permanecer en el mundo se extinguieron, se evaporaban como el agua al estar en ebullición, el dolor dejó de ser dolor ya ni siquiera eso sentía; pensaba tantas maneras, - quizás pastillas, cortarme los brazos o colgarme del techo del patio trasero en medio de la noche, en el silencio nadie notaría nada, al fin y al cabo cuando me han notado-, quería morir rápido sin importar dolor alguno, tantos años de sufrimiento habían sido el entrenamiento para llevar a cabo lo que tanto se repetía -debo morir…debo morir-, era como si la letra de una pegadiza canción se hubiera apoderado de su cerebro y se repetía constante e incesante -debo morir…debo morir-.
Bolígrafo y papel en mano vuelven a la mujer poderosa y así fue cómo con una sonrisa y llena de paz escribió su nota diciendo adiós.
Leyó su nota sonriendo y avanzó al patio trasero, busco la viga más firme y colgó la soga, subió al banquito y acomodo la llave de su liberación a años de calvario en su cuello, miró al cielo imaginado era de día y se veía a sí misma como una bella nube y sin temor alguno salto, no lucho por inercia a querer vivir y se quedó quieta sonriendo hasta dar el último aliento.
Epilogue of an imminent suicide.
He had grown tired of fighting against the current that at times became the fiercest rapids of the most dangerous river, a constant struggle to climb to the top which he would never reach since every step he took he took three steps back, a confused mind full of demons that had been born so many years ago that he could no longer even remember how or when it had been.
The constant struggle of her head and the internal screams made it hurt at every moment and the smiles that she could fake before now cost too much, she only managed to find some peace in the moments she found a space to be alone, she liked to see the sky and imagine that she was a cloud, I would like to be a cloud and just float as far as the wind takes me - she repeated that phrase repeatedly as if she was inviting death to come and look for her, since her cowardice prevented her from going in search of it.
The feeling of being unnecessary, unloved or unappreciated did not help her feel better, she was guilty of everything and the hateful looks were tattooed in her memory which came every night in the middle of her nightmares, each one of them reaffirmed that she was not loved by anyone in that home that was a façade of false happiness.
Empathy towards her did not exist since every thing or ailment she felt was minimized or compared to one of their own making her look like a fool, as if hers was the same nothingness within the magnanimous everything of the rest. She began to feel a lump in her throat which grew as if it were a giant rock, it was hard to breathe and she kept quiet, what was the point of saying what she felt if no one would listen to her, there was no one to talk to, no one to trust, her own family had taken charge of making her look bad in the eyes of the rest of her relatives, her uncles and aunts nicknamed her "crazy" while her cousins made bad gestures and laughed at her with laughter, who would she tell this to, there was no one, absolutely no one.
The flame of her life was extinguished so slowly and her desire to remain in the world was extinguished, it evaporated like water when it was boiling, the pain ceased to be pain and she no longer even felt it; I thought of so many ways, - maybe pills, cut my arms off or hang myself from the backyard roof in the middle of the night, in the silence no one would notice anything, after all, when I have been noticed-, I wanted to die fast no matter the pain, so many years of suffering had been the training to carry out what was so often repeated -I must die.... I must die-, it was as if the lyrics of a catchy song had taken over his brain and was repeated constantly and incessantly -I must die...I must die-.
Pen and paper in hand return to the powerful woman and so it was with a smile and full of peace that she wrote her note saying goodbye.
She read her note smiling and advanced to the backyard, she looked for the strongest beam and hung the rope, she climbed the bench and placed the key of her liberation to years of ordeal on her neck, she looked at the imagined sky it was daytime and she saw herself as a beautiful cloud and without any fear she jumped, she did not fight by inertia to want to live and she stayed still smiling until she breathed her last breath.
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