The last few days have been a total rollercoaster ride of emotions and urges.
It started when my father started doing one of his "the world isn't looking so good, better make a plan" talks, as if I have a house of my own and money to stock up on resources. "It would be a shame if my generation had to see the world falling apart in our twilight years".
I was a little shocked that his empathy was directed entirely at his own generation, the very same generation that generally lived better than anyone in history (especially in the USA) without any regard of the impact of their actions.
I won't share exactly what I said to him but I told him everything I had been keeping inside for the past however many years. I wasn't angry but I had 0 filter. I told him just how close I've been to falling under for a decade now and how everyone I know is the same, either overworked to the brink or full of wonderful skills that can't earn enough money.
I told him how his long soliloquies about the state of the world and how bad everything is is really just an escape from facing the present moment. He is unhappy and hasn't come to terms with the fact that he is older now and that he didn't have the impact on the world that he had hoped to because he was scared.
I told him that what I'm doing now is facing my fears so I don't end up as miserable as him, and I wish he'd embrace that and join me so we could both grow instead of trying to hold me back the way he held himself back from really accomplishing anything. I told that he's smart but it doesn't matter because his perspective is tiny, he can only see right in front of him.
And I somehow said this all softly enough to not sound like an attack.
I told him that we need to find new things to talk about if we want to have a relationship because I don't have time or energy to talk about Russia or post apocalyptic scenarios or political candidates who are all liars or anything like that. I want to talk about things that I am excited about or things that he is excited about and if he can't find anything then to please be content with what makes me excited because if he really wants me to be happy like he claims, he'd rather talk about my happiness than all the bad things in the world.
I told him I think his news watching and history channel binging is an addiction that brings him down.
He gave me an essay that looked like a lecture at first but as I got through it I realized it’s about how he accepts me and supports me and he's glad I know what I signed up for because not easy, and how we can talk about bitcoin next time, and he said he will try not to be offended by anything I write or share in public, and that he is proud of me.
He's been that supportive guy once or twice before (usually he only talks about history and current events) but that was the first time he did it after I told him how I really felt. So I think we made a big breakthrough. This reminds me of the time I did the same thing with my mother about 6 years ago, and our relationship has been great ever since (it used to be nothing but fights). Hopefully things will get better and better now.
I know my parents always did their best for me, but the amount of power they had and their inability to see who I was and what I needed made it difficult for me to have a relationships with them. I always wanted to try though and so I never cut them off, mostly because they don't have the tools to understand just how difficult they were.
I truly believe that most adults are even more childish than kids sometimes because they never face themselves and their issues and overcome them. "That's just how I am" they think. "That's just how the world is" they think.
And I think by confronting my father in a peaceful tone but without any filter whatsoever, with a strong emphasis that I still love and care about them and that I'm trying to see it from their point of view too...I think they finally realized that I became an adult before they did, and so now I'm kind of the leader of the family. I don't know if we are there yet but it seems like we are getting close.
I understand this kind of talk goes totally against many cultures idea of family, and some of you will find it very difficult to relate, but I challenge everyone to just ask the question "How many times have my parents acted like children and should I really indulge that?"
You can challenge them and refuse to indulge them without arguing or fighting against them. It just means on insisting on living life in the way that is right for you, and putting yourself first because that is the only way you will ever have enough for anyone else. It is not selfish, it is outside of the question of selfishness and selflessness because you want everyone to win.
The trick I always use is "Mom, I love you but I can't argue like this, I will talk to you when you calm down", and then ignoring her calls until there is a one day gap between them...
There is no true disrespect for your parents in the act of respecting yourselves. If their hearts are pure and innocent they will understand, and if they are not, well you have some work ahead of you, but by continuing to express love for them as you disobey and challenge them, you might have a chance of breaking through one day....
Ohhh man, that was just part one. The things that popped up in my life after that were just as big, if not bigger, that is all meant for another post.
I don't want to share a picture of my fathers face so I will share a picture of the person who he most resembles aside from Super Mario...
lol
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I remember when I was 27 or 28 and going to visit my dad and telling him that I forgave him for basically being a piece of shit as a father. We both had a good cry and that was the end of our relationship. We are still friendly with each other when we see each other every 5-10 years but there are no more false pretences.
Wow, that is both sad and awesome. Some things just need to be done I guess but I'm glad you made peace in the end.
I don't think my father is a piece of shit. Just depressed over giving up on his dreams and he passed a lot of that heaviness on to me without realizing it.
I think parents need to realize they are going to fuck up their kids whether they do their best or not and it’s best to just be ready to apologize beforehand 😆
Hahaha, yeah that is exactly right. Just try to guide them as best you can and then let them fly.
Once a teacher of mine said.... we talk about generation gap. But between our parents and us there is not the generation gap but the conversation gap that creates hurdle. .... This article of yours @selfhelp4trolls reminded me of her words.
Being respectful to differences is the first step for healthy conversation. I am happy to hear that your father turned to be understanding. We need to make steps for letting our parents understand us. It cannot be done without conversation but in a positive, respectful and affectionate tone.
Blessed day
Lots of patience too, you are totally right.
I usually enjoy the first 20 minutes of these conversations but both my parents can talk forever (me too maybe X-D )
Thanks for your support, I can see you have worked on similar things
!pizza
Yeah! Patience is important. Bearing difference is impossible without patience, isn't it?
You know what....! After becoming a mother I feel like it is an unending process. Generation after generation people have to face the similar things
So much that I can relate to here that I wouldn't know where to start.
I like to think that every generation is an evolution of the previous one, we try to be a better version of our parents but it doesn't help that we are often raised having to obey them.
You did well here my friend :^)
I think the fact that they have the power in the beginning is what gives us the opportunity to overcome. It's like more weight in order to gain more muscle, but nobody tells us that our job is to be better versions of our parents and we have very few good models of that.
I'm glad you can relate and I'm not surprised with all we have in common 😉
I Love your approach to your Darling Dad and Mom we should always try to correct our parents calmly.
It's really hard for my partner who comes from Asia. Our parents were similar but my friends and role models always said it's ok to do it my own way. Her friends and role models told her to listen to her parents. So I respect her so much for challenging that!
It's really nice my dear we should always listen but when we feel they are not going about it right we should do the corrections Nicely 🙏💜💜
:-D !pizza
That my dear is a good one. Hope some people will find that courage to speak up just as you did. I excluded myself from this because my own parents are late meanwhile I will try my possible best to have good relationship and great communication with my own children. Respect their decision and also be there to guide them through it.
It's not easy to have kids! I know that much. I know it's hard for them to give up their ideas about what they wanted me to be, but I'm glad they can finally accept me, even if it took over 30 years 😆
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