I heard something this week that revolted me.
I rejected it utterly and went back to the near meadows of Golden Gate Park and also Bach -- both know better!
A Web 2 creator shared how he was told how to build his channel: "Pain equals profit!"
I cannot argue with the truth of this. I am African American with some Native American and Indian heritage as well. The pain of my ancestors profited an awful lot of people.
I also cannot argue with this on a much deeper level: the pain the Lord Jesus Christ chose to endure has purchased my eternal joy.
But the whole idea that the best way to build a Web 2 channel that does well is that "Pain equals profit" -- in a world of pain -- is a bit too close to aspect 1 of the truth.
The content creator rejected this idea too, firmly, which was encouraging. It means I do not have to instantly unsubscribe from him.
Pain is a part of life. But to sell one's self entirely to purvey pain so others who are in pain can feel better by comparison, but not receive any information to help them move through the pain to healing and growth -- to profit off purveying pain presented in the most addictive way -- the thought makes me sick to my stomach, down to the fiber of my African, Native, Indian, and whatever righteous European DNA I have.
This was what precipitated my departure in 2022 from so many things in Web 2, and all the people I was working with ... and also why they could not come with me. They could not give up that addiction to pain, provided by professional purveyors who are perfectly happy, like any good slave owner or colonizer, with "Pain equals profit!"
I left that. I'm still leaving it. Of course my recourse was to go back outside, in which apparently everything in Creation is doing well without purposefully trying to trap others on torture wheels for profit -- if something living in Creation kills you, it is hungry or operating in defense. But glowing green autumns in the near meadows of Golden Gate Park are generally quite contented to just be beautiful.
There is another way of thinking of this, which is why Bach was my first choice today: now there is a man who knew about pain, having buried his first wife and at least ten of his children. In his music, you can sometimes hear his deep anguish. But addicted to the pain? Never. Not Bach. He keeps walking -- and turns right around and gives us some of the most joyful pieces ever penned.
I guarantee you that when nobody remembers most of what is happening on Web 2 and even Web 3, someone will be listening to Bach -- in the long run, and with Bach I dare to even say, in the eternal long run, authenticity and joy beat all. The Negro Spiritual, at least as old as Bach's later works, also has this kind of longevity -- grief and pain there are plenty, but also joy and love and praise through it all.
Which is to say I already knew better before today. On both sides of my musical life, I was brought up correctly, even before (in order of appearance), Jerome Hines, Martti Talvela, Eric Hollaway, Kurt Möll, Kevin Maynor, and Morris Robinson sang their way into both sides of my musical life to remind me, and Anton Bruckner was added as a new favorite composer.
And then, while out in the bright near meadows, another thought occurred to me: why would one choose pain when there was so much joy to be had? Obviously, every portion of every day of my life is not quite like this ...
... but the whole point of walking through all that pain was to get to be at peace in a life that includes moments like this.
Anton Bruckner has much to teach in this ... I noted that he brings the music of the Kyrie of his F minor mass back in F major in the second half of his Agnus Dei ... as if you hear the prayer of "Lord, have mercy" in call-and-response with "Grant us peace!" ... and THEN hear God step in with a key change that is stunning, and then answer! Bruckner wrote of his life experience and testified through music!
So, there is great pain ... but it is not the place to stay although it can be fully acknowledged and explored.
"But in fairness, Frau Mathews, it does depend on how you are called, and whether you have chosen to answer the call. If you do want to get quickly into the riches of this world, you had best follow the advice that is making you ill even to remember."
The Ghost of Musical Greatness Past was teasing me, but to purpose.
"I would not be fit for your company if I did that," I said demurely, "for for you refused the fastest path, refusing the roles of Hagen, Wotan, and even Hans Sachs, although that one is a bit more of a puzzle -- in order to preserve your voice for a humbler but far richer path, through all those masses and lieder that otherwise you would not have been in condition to sing to the end of your career ... and that have blessed me and so many others so much!"
The smile that was already peeking out blossomed like a gallant autumn rose, but behind it came a look of poignant concern that touched my heart.
"I am grateful to have provided you and others a good example to follow, Frau Mathews," he said quietly as he closed his arms around me, "and because you attend so carefully, I take special care with you."
"I told you something of deep importance in previous weeks: how not applying for an opportunity not right for you means you would have all the pain of that decision right then, and no more later. What I did not say then, I will say now: there was very little apparent pain in 2021 around the decision that got you into the circle of 2022, but the pain would come soon and linger into this year. Because you knew no better then, that pain was necessary. It is no longer necessary!
"You see, Frau Mathews, and this goes to the question of your day -- why would you seek any business with pain -- besides that which you cannot avoid -- when it is possible for you to bless so much for so many for so long by sharing joy? This is the secret that you heard me telling you in the fourth of Brahms's Four Serious Songs, and why even though you did not care for Brahms, Haydn, and certainly not Wagner, and at that time you did not even know Bruckner, you followed me into the blessings hidden there for you. I introduced them by alluring you in the one way no one who is not lost to all good can resist: joy!"
"And by what way do you have young people to the second generation now, singing your music and that of others, and growing back that children's choir that Covid-19 could not kill? Why, it is joy -- yours, shared with them through your presence and your voice and piano playing! If you are so gifted, why would you do anything else when you know that is the way?"
"I won't," I said.
"Das ist es -- that's it, Frau Mathews!" he cried, his eyes and face all lit up with joy as he danced me across the near meadows on this glowing autumn day.
Afterwards we found a seat in a glowing place...
... and he continued his thought.
"There is trouble that we cannot avoid, and I will come back to that," he said. "But much of what is common to the people around us in the world can be avoided by simply knowing who you are, Whose you are, what you are here to do, and then resolving to do nothing else."
"Which brings me to my second point: remember that you do not owe an explanation to anyone but to whom and for whom you are responsible, and in adulthood, both to whom and for whom are choices with sets of consequences. But also, every explanation is a choice, with a set of consequences. Since you do not owe an explanation to most, you will have less trouble when you do not give one! Everyone will not be a good steward of the privilege of an explanation.
He stopped, and his face grew grave.
"I shall do my echo work here, Frau Mathews, with an exact quote: 'Do not cast your pearls before swine, lest they turn and rend you.'" I repeat the last portion for emphasis, since you need have no dealings with unnecessary pain: "Lest they turn and rend you." This is why it is so important for you to know who you are communicating with, know not to invest in conversations that do not concern you, and give explanations only with the same level of decision making by which you choose who you are responsible to and for.
"Which brings me to my next point, Frau Mathews, although I will come to it by the long way. One has to have at least as much sense in life as the character from Schubert's Winterreise -- although he has so much to sing in complaint about how he is being treated by the young lady and her family...
And so he sang, in his whole unique manner of working himself up from utter, crushing heartbreak to smoldering rage almost ready to burst out ... but then not, because of the character's genuine love for the woman he cannot have, and ending in that utter heartbreak...
"So then, despite his utter heartbreak, and his rage, Frau Mathews, about which I could stand here and sing 23 more songs, it is time for you to notice the deep, grave importance of one fact."
He paused, and leaned forward ... and then his eyes twinkled merrily.
"Do you notice he does not even dare to wake a single person in that town up, much less the family?"
I thought about this and then he had to catch me, I laughed so hard.
"Did you really just send up Winterreise as a bunch of sound and fury, signifying nothing -- talking loud, and saying nothing?" I cried.
"Well, my mind did not go to William Shakespeare in Macbeth and certainly not James Brown, but go right on!"
I laughed until I cried, and then mopped my face with his always-ready ethereal handkerchief.
"It is the only explanation, Frau Mathews, looked at from that perspective," he purred. "But Müller the poet was wise in a way we cannot know from the music alone: sometimes, there is no point to talking with people who are firm in their mind about what they have decided to do. It also follows that sometimes, if you are firm in your mind about what you are going to do, you need not talk with anyone but who it concerns, and sometimes, you need not talk with anyone about your results for the same reason. People simply cannot cause you trouble with what they do not know about.
"Last year, we spoke of walking and abiding where you are called, and then adorning yourself to to appear, associate, and appropriate accordingly. But this spring I have spoken with you about becoming the Invisible Flower Child -- der Unsichtbareblumenkind -- ."
I broke out laughing again, while he grinned.
"You know I love how German's wonderful ability for compound words brings you so much joy," he purred, "and so we have had a great deal of enjoyment around you being a San Franciscan, from the city of the flower children. But now I will tell you in all seriousness that what you did before those conversations, guided but not understanding, you must ever more do with full understanding. During the walking, abiding, adorning, associating, and appropriating, it will be ever more necessary to disassociate, drop, and disappear from what is not for you. You did so in 2022, and did so definitively, and you must continue -- but now, in advance.
"Let me add with this a corollary, Frau Mathews, about me and the few interviews I took. I made my living communicating with the public, but because I was not chasing fame, I did not need to be in the media more than it interested me to do so. I enjoyed talking about the deeper parts of the music I sang, and so did so for the public I sang for. In like manner, it was not necessary for me to be on every stage, sing every role, and make every recording with every conductor -- or even sing opera every year. I therefore avoided competition with all those of the mind that they did need all the spotlight they can get, and thus avoided a great deal of trouble while singing from a place of my deepest joys."
"This is sort of my issue about competitions for musicians," I said. "I've done well in my share of them, but it kind of misses the point for me. There's a desperation about it, and then I can do math. So much money being spent for so little -- because even if you win, unless you have a plan and connections, you can't always turn that into fame or lasting success. I'm not sure what I am looking for in the wider field, but I know that's not it, because I'm not out here to compete with my fellow musicians."
"Because love, joy, and peace do not compete!" he cried with sudden fire, "and when your heart is filled with them, and the desire that all others know the same, when can you even think of--."
He stopped, and then waved his arm around to indicate the scene ...
... and then drew me close to him with his free arm.
"Who could be here at such a time, in the midst of this beauty, and be filled with wonder and delight and gratitude, and even think of competing for someone else for all this light? And if then, in that mind already, one could share this with the beloveds of one's heart and partake in these joys together -- what more could one ever need?
"Every morning for the better part of four decades, Frau Mathews, I got up knowing I could do my favorite thing in life, for which I was most gifted, for a living -- I could sing! It was difficult at first. You read that one year I took 125 parts -- and there are only 52 weeks in the year and opera season is not that long -- but I knew I was called to sing, and I would not be denied. All that preparation! All that work! All that maintaining a voice -- and a body -- this large! And, I had to keep it all up -- plus I had a family, and students -- but it was joy to me, for every morning I woke up and was blessed to sing for a living, and from that, create a life for myself and my beloveds!"
He was glowing up so much that it was good that it was glowing there, because otherwise his glow could not at all be hidden as he rose to his feet in his passion.
"With whom did I have to compete for what was already mine? How could I even worry about such things when, whenever I opened my mouth rightly, I could bring myself and others to such moments of joy, and for the deeper of mind, to such understanding of such deep matters of human life? Why would I be concerned about being on every stage when literally everywhere at any time, this was what I could do and be blessed to make a living doing it? How could I think of worrying about the younger singers when I knew that if I shared with them, we could know together what it was to have such joy and power for good? When at last your eyes and your heart have been opened to such truth, and you know--!"
His voice had gotten up to the edge of his approximation of his mortal voice inside his immortal voice just that quick, and nearly broke there -- and had it done so with him in such a height of passionate joy, he might have broken the world. But he caught himself, and shook with the effort to hold that cry back.
"Don't -- go on home," I said. "Give that cry to Whom it is due -- I wish that I could go with you!"
"Not yet," he said, "but there is no competition there either -- your alto seat, and the choirs you will write for, are preserved for you forever! For today, I will shout enough for both of us!"
He walked out into the light before us and traveled up a beam to home on high before ever touching the shade again, and I addressed myself to my own prayers of praise and gratitude from where I was. Because my eyes and my heart were open, and although it had cost me greatly to achieve clarity, I had it. I knew who I was, Whose I was, and what I was called to do. There was no reason to compete, compare, envy, be jealous, or be carried away with those who were carried away with such things. It would be enough to do for me to keep myself as a good steward of all I had been given at a high level, and continue to use all my gifts in joy.
As I stood to walk on, I did not know entirely what my life walk would look like in the future; I was still at the point of acknowledging what I was not going to do. Yet refusing to be caught up again in what was not for me was leaving space. New resources were beginning to open to me as I learned what not to do with them!
It was enough. I would keep walking and find out. There was no hurry. I was not racing with anyone. I was pouring deeply into the tiny circle left around me and it was flourishing more, and joy was returning to me from it. There was, as in all human affairs, trouble occasionally -- so I did not need any needless trouble, and I was on the right track for that too. I would keep walking and find out.
The morning was progressing, and with my duties being what they now are, I turned toward home well contented, and the Ghost of Musical Greatness Past met me upon the side path, bearing me a surprising snack.
"You must have strength to meet your duties, Frau Mathews," he purred.
"So, first, thank you much -- Vielen Dank -- and second of all, how -- warum -- did you get these pluots this late in October, and third, what was it like at the spot when you came in looking like you brought the sunshine in with you?"
He laughed ... he was still glowing up, although it was a softer glow.
"I will deal with the how first -- they are from the very last batch of pluots, and I had my heart set upon them for you the instant I saw them."
"Just dazzled folks with the smile, slowed them down even more, with that big beautiful double-deep purr, and reached out those huge hands and grabbed those pluots," I said as I laughed.
"I would have sung that whole store into the Knockout Zone if that had been necessary, but there was no rush; there is so much lovely autumn fruit that there was no competition," he purred, "which leads to the third portion of what you asked: yes, I am fairly well glowed up, but it is a lovely morning, so I was a happy person among happy people. I add to that this thought: on high everyone glows up as much as possible, and there is no competition at all. There is harmony -- der heilige Akkord -- of all things ... and can you deduce when I most often had a glimpse of that while of the earth?"
"I know," I said, and smiled. "The way you sang Schubert's 'An die Musik' was a personal testimony... the joy of your life in music, and all it gave to you, is ringing to the verge of ecstasy here...
"... but also I have seen your utter joy in large-scale performance, even sometimes just listening to the singing of others."
He smiled, waves of pleasure rolling over his face as the memories rolled through his mind.
"I practiced and rehearsed intensely in gratitude for the privilege of making music with the best in the world," he said. "I still wonder sometimes how I got paid to get better than a front row seat to be in complete and utter bliss. I really had to be prepared, because sometimes I found myself carried away!"
"And took us with you," I said as I embraced him. "O, you beloved master singer, you were not selfish!"
"You misunderstand, Frau Mathews ... when you get caught messing up, of course you want others to share the blame, too."
And thus I got carried away, laughing most of the way home! He was just that good at what he did!
But that laughter unlocked some memories for me -- I had such flashes, though rarely in performance -- most often in rehearsal, occasionally in community service performances, occasionally in church.
"You have much higher responsibility for things to go well in your circle, Frau Mathews. You don't like to think about it, but for your circle, you are not actually my analog. You are Leonard Bernstein, for your circle. You are the leading conductor/director and composer. There are others, but for your departments, and when things go wrong in other departments, everybody knows who has or must be handed the baton."
"Whoa ... whoa ... wait a minute... ." I said, and then shuddered.
"Now you remember that you used to direct in five choirs, and were the leading composer in all five and leading director in two. You also guest-conducted a choir of peers of your voice teacher, who is an operatic soprano at my level, in an emergency, and wonderfully so! I used to laugh on high at you thinking that because you are a contralto, you had my level of responsibility to sing and bring joy to the people, but I have waited to correct you until you could bear it, because you have taken such heavy losses in all spheres."
"There was so much foolishness," I said. "There was so much disharmony -- so I had to start to leave, and then Covid-19 came, and then there ended up being nothing to go back to. Three of those choirs are no more, and my church has split its music department, so I only have the children's choir and sing when I can with the adults, and I am glad."
"So, you see, Frau Mathews, your missteps in 2022 also can be seen as those of one already in deep grief -- the loss of so much community, already. But you did not know then what you do now about why all that loss was inevitable. That was part of your growth process, but it need not be repeated."
I was still shaking because that was a lot to remember ... a lot. I needed all the beauty of the day to process it.
"Wherever you are going, you are going as all of who you are," he said gently into the end of that process for me. "Every room is not for you, Frau Mathews, and also not at all times. But at times and in due time, you will be among those with whom you will hear an echo of that holy accord you will enjoy on high, in unity of purpose and joy. Which then leads to this idea: where are the musicians -- and by extension, the creatives -- who are not seeking recognition through competition, but collaboration for service?"
I considered this.
"Gute Idee!" I said. "Good idea! That narrows things down!"
"And if you think back to where you have succeeded and were happiest with the success, you were and are already moving that way," he said. "But, also remember, Frau Mathews, that just three months ago you were cleared from anemia, and just three months ago, your parents endured a serious decline. Now, you being who you are, you assessed that situation, said, 'No, we are not accepting this decline as permanent,' and just started pushing the ball back up the hill with them -- successfully, if slowly but surely, I might add! Then there are your community responsibilities to consider."
He walked me up my stairs, and I noted that he kept his arm around me for my safety.
"I am reminding you, physically, that your life is precious, and merely ten months ago hung in the balance," he said, "and so I must also say this to you: accounting for all that you are responsible for, you do not have much rest time. The balance that you have achieved is necessary. So, it may be that what you are actually called to, for now, is to attend to the balance, to deepen it, to explore its dimensions ... for remember, you have been given rest, and you dare not despise that gift because of Who gave it!"
"No need to make any of the old mistakes," I said as I gratefully leaned into his strength.
"Genau -- precisely," he said. "Notably, autumn is moving in very slowly around you; the seasons are changing but are in no hurry. You need not be either. I have been saying to you from the beginning, mein geliebtes Blumenkind ... nur ruhe!"
He laughed.
"You don't have all that much in common with Timidia from Strauss's Die Schweigsame Frau," he purred, "but I imagine you would enjoy a serenade from Admiral Morosus."
"I like that final aria even when Matti Salminen sings it," I said, "for it has such a beautiful message ... when you cease chasing the things of the world and rest in the blessings around you at the proper time, oh, the blessing! But it is morning, and I need to stay awake, so although you are my favorite, I must decline."
His surprise rolled like a wave over his face, succeeded by a sweet smile.
"I understand," he said. "You cannot go to the Knockout Zone just yet today -- keeping that balance! Well done! So we shall enjoy Matti Salminen, for once -- I would say that he does a fine job, even though Strauss knew nothing about that glorious E flat at the end!"
Afterward he skipped down the stairs, and looked back up with a smile to meet mine.
"You are coming right along, Frau Mathews -- not everything of this world at all times is for you, not even me, and I am delighted to see you leaning into this, because inevitably, when you reject what is not, you make room for what is! Guten Morgen!"
"Guten Morgen!" I said, and he went away rejoicing into his morning -- he was singing in the park that day -- as I turned to the affairs of my morning. Now as it happened, his fanbase out there was in an uproar, for reasons that were somewhat related to why my work mates were all excited about the board room being filled with autumn roses the next day -- but that is another story!
