Emotional Last Day Of Work

Yesterday was my last day of work. It's been a long and challenging process to exit that place. Basically, it's been on my mind 24/7 over the last 2 weeks or so. I can't remember I felt this way when leaving previous jobs. But the situation here was different. Before, I have always resigned. It's been my choice to leave. This time they didn't offer me a new contract. And even though that also happened to many of my coworkers, plus the fact that I don't want to work there, it has been challenging. Especially since I found out, about 5 weeks ago. The reason they decided not to keep us is because of some regulations. I have had a temporary contract for almost 2 years now and after 2 years, they have to offer me a permanent one. And they didn't offer anyone that so basically they decided to keep the least experienced staff and fired us with the most experience. And even though I was prepared and knew this was going to happen, it's just been a humiliating process to go through.

I felt I couldn't afford to say no when they asked if I was interested in a new contract. This question came in late July. They said they wouldn't need as many of us anymore but that they had some positions they could offer and basically asked everyone if they were interested or not. The next step was to have interviews with everyone who had expressed an interest. So I basically had to go through this 'fake' interview for a position that I had already had for almost 2 years and then they came up with some 'fake' reason why they had decided not to keep us with the most experience. (Obviously, they can't officially say it's because they would have to offer us a permanent contract). As I said, it was humiliating.

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Source: Pixabay, image by ermaltahiri.

You might ask why I said yes in the first place if I didn't want to work there anyway. Well, as I wrote, I felt I couldn't afford to say no. If I had said no I wouldn't be eligible for unemployment benefits. This way, I am. That's why I put myself through this. Looking back, I don't know if it was worth it. But hopefully I'll think so soon. When I have distanced myself more from that place.

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So well, yesterday I went to the office to return my laptop. I'm kind of never there since I have worked entirely remotely. It's strange to come to the office because it's so empty. (Almost everyone works remotely). But one of my coworkers who also worked her last day yesterday came and we had a nice chat. I haven't actually talked so much with her, again, since we work remotely, and I have always felt that we are very different and that something is a bit fake about her. But she opened up a lot and expressed how she kind of hated this job and said that our tasks are very boring. And I couldn't agree more. I told her I didn't know she felt this way since she often puts on a smiley face and appears to be so enthusiastic. She said that she hadn't told anyone how she really felt.

So I was right, something had been fake about her. I told her that of course our tasks are very boring, and that I couldn't understand how anyone could find this job interesting or fulfilling. It's soul-crushing. It felt so nice to just let ourselves go and openly share how we felt about this place.

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Even so, it was hard to hold back the tears when I walked out the door. Even though I feel the way I do about this job I have been obsessing over a lot of stuff there over the last 2 weeks. I have been worried that I might have missed something or that something will go wrong somehow. It's the perfectionist in me, she isn't happy about this at all. She feels like she did something wrong and that is a feeling that is so deeply rooted in my body and subconscious, it just feels life-threatening to me, failure. My nervous system has been, and still is, on high alert and is in fight-or-flight response. I hope my system will calm down and will be able to let go soon. But it'll probably take some time.

Anyway, I did my best to take care of myself yesterday. Bought myself some flowers. But I couldn't help to feel that it would have been so nice to have a partner. I really needed to be held. But I'm also good at holding myself nowadays. I'm doing my best. And I felt writing about this experience might help.

And to end on a somewhat positive note, I'm happy and relieved that I'm finally free from that place. Like I said. Working there has been soul-crushing. And I hope this was the last time I ever take a job like that.

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Thanks for reading 🌸

Love and blessings to you all 💚

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Just know you are not alone in this world. Companies, governments and even unions worldwide are treating their most valuable and experienced employees like trash... not even recyclables as they claim to care about humanity and reducing carbon footprints. In America, it's about checking a box, a box for diversity hires. No longer will the the employee be treated as valuable if they do not; have pronouns, part of the lgbtqrs crowd, critically think, or haven't pledged allegiance to the liberals. Maybe all of what I just said does not apply to your part of the world but does here in USA. Your post rang with a lot of familiar truth for me. I do wish a healthy outcome for you and positive new future with a job you enjoy!

Thank you so much. I feel a lot better already.

 2 months ago  

Sending you love and a hug. You will come out of this even stronger.

Thank you 💚 I know. I just have to give myself some time to recover from this.

 2 months ago  

You're definitely doing your best. I wish you success in your future endeavors and it'll be fine 😊

Thank you so much 💚

If you weren’t happy being there anymore, then this needed happen. You wanted to be rid of the place but just didn’t muster enough courage to say fuck this yet. They did you a favor. I hope you find a job you love soon.

Yes, I have actually been looking forward to this day. I just didn't expect the process to be so challenging.

You wanted to be rid of the place but just didn’t muster enough courage to say fuck this yet.

I understand that's one way of looking at it. And it's true to some extent, for sure. But I also know I need to be gentle with myself I have done things like that before, just resigned and said fuck it. It hasn't really always turned out so well. So in this case, I waited for this solution instead.

I hope you find a job you love soon.

Thank you. I think my problem is that I actually don't want to work. Can't see myself as an employee anymore. But I have some other plans 🙂

I have done things like that before, just resigned and said fuck it. It hasn't really always turned out so well. So in this case, I waited for this solution instead.

A wise move!

Thank you. I think my problem is that I actually don't want to work. Can't see myself as an employee anymore. But I have some other plans 🙂

I’m sure you’ll make a nice self-made boss. You could start something with all of you experienced staff they let go. That’ll be one hell of a team.

Haha, I love that idea. They for sure got rid of some good people. But I'm changing direction completely.

I know I'm privileged to live in a country where you can receive something as unemployment benefits. This gives me some time to figure things out.

Haha, I love that idea. They for sure got rid of some good people. But I'm changing direction completely.

Sounds like a plan. I wish you luck wherever your new direction is. I hope that the next time your previous employer hears from you is a business meeting as equals or more:)

Thank you 🙂

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