Only Half Here

Only Half Here

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One foot in and one foot out, or, as I was reminded by a close friend last night, it’s like standing at a window watching. Long deep conversation, a five hour call that went zooming by like a fifteen minute chat. I’m not one for being on voice calls, side effects from call centre days, two hundred calls a day. Avoid the phone, text only please unless emergency.

I make exceptions of course, but I’m very selective about when and who. I have to be in the mood to be tied to a line, totally my issue. Last night was one enormous exception, especially due to length of time. I’ve never had a five hour plus call with anyone, not ever. We had many things to share and compare way down at the bottom of the ocean depths. Text would never have cut it in the thick of it.

The last couple months I’ve not been around on Hive much. I’ve left people hanging for responses to comments during some of that, not something I typically do. It’s not what I want; I’d rather be around more. Hive is a fun place in many ways and I enjoy the conversations I have with others. Life though, has been pressing in on me more tightly than ever with demands to attend to what I must take care of. Get a move on now, quit with my procrastination, and accept what is, hence the redirection of my focus to care of business I’ve been ignoring.

Focus and motivation are flagging........not for Hive, for life in this world the way it is. How can I plan anything, pursue ideas, dreams, or commit time and energy in any outward directions when it’s all imploding? I’d love to say my observations are that this has been happening only during the last two years, but no, I noticed the implosion acutely back in 2006. At that time though, I was deep in the process of healing and was disabled, among other challenges. I didn’t have time to explore what I was observing around me.

Flash forward to 2010, another upheaval came winging in giving me a spin, sending my path in another direction. While I’m catching my breath, working with that, half a world away in 2011, an event occurred that blew up my world like a nuclear explosion. At that time I went exploring, some outward deep diving trying to make sense, trying to find explanations pertaining to that event.

What I discovered through three years of digging was a web of threads so complex and insidious that it permanently altered my perception of this world. I realized then that nothing is what it appears to be. What now? I panicked. I went off the deep end a bit while the world tilted, a dizzying vertigo spin. My mind went hamster crazy searching for ways to prepare, attempting to cover all contingencies (that’s impossible, by the way).
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At about the three and half year mark, I pulled myself out of those threads, settling on the best use of my time and energy. I stopped looking outwards at that web. It was not serving me. I had enough answers. Without my conscious awareness, I was prepped for what came next during 2013 and 2014. Have you ever climbed a metaphorical mountain, reached the summit and thought you’ve made it, now you can chill out, all downhill from here? The mountains don’t end, there’s always another to climb.

In 2013, everyone disappeared from my life, at a time when I was experiencing the loss of many things. Circumstances coalesced all at once, leaving me alone and isolated for over a year. I was lost. I had no sense of what direction to take, what I wanted to do, and who I was. Walking eyes wide open in complete darkness. I turned inwards, kept my gaze focused there and dove deep. I wrestled with the enemy inside. Ferocious internal war.

This went on for well over a year until I hit bottom, seeing the one obstacle, the one internal belief that I’d been clinging to since I was a child. I was refusing to let go. I needed control. Holding tight to that belief gave me the illusion of control.

Tug of war back and forth, like trying to prize a bone from the jaws of a wild carnivore. Struggling wore me out. I finally asked myself, can I let go? Why am I clinging to this? Can I let go of this belief? Can I trust? I took a running leap and jumped off the cliff. I had nothing left to lose. I’d either die or fly.

The moment I jumped, it was like an explosion of light that obliterated the darkness, lifting me up instantly out of the void I’d been blindly fumbling in. The clarity in that moment was another blinding, burning all illusions to the ground, shredding the curtain in one fell swoop. Freedom. Freed from my self-imposed mind cage. After, felt like a babe in the woods, tender, had to learn a new way of walking after crossing that bridge. Laundry time, internal housecleaning of yet more pre-programmed garbage, step by step since 2014. Ongoing until I’m dust, until I’m gone.

I’ve avoided going into details about my experience in 2014 for a reason. It was a personal journey where the leaves are rather irrelevant and will only cause confusion for many. Each must walk their own path, learn to trust their inner guidance, discover what they truly are, awaken to their full potential, empower themselves, and discard the leaves along the way.

The discussion with my friend last night was free flowing about topics most run from, at least in both of our experiences of others. I’m not talking about theory thinking here, so forget that. If they don’t run from this sort of discussion, the “crazy” label is applied. I’ve had the gamut of such labels applied to me. Not that I care, I just find it tiresome. I withdraw my time, attention, and energy, as is my usual response to what I consider nonsense.

There is no point in digressing into such topics with those who have stoutly walled up against openness. It saddens me to see many refuse a deeper exploration of who they are, what life here is, what the purpose/meaning of existence is, and what being human is really about. It’s a short sell experience of life to avoid such explorations.

Is life here just day to day playing all these roles, enjoying temporary trinkets of distraction, still getting zero traction? I mean, is this world a garden of earthly delights that you’re dying with excitement at the thrillhouse thought of jetting out of bed each day to bounce in happy dance prance without a rant? I hear complaints about a bazillion things every day. I’ve done plenty complaining myself, mostly years ago, until I stepped into taking full responsibility for myself, my life, and charting my own course with zero remorse.

So yeah, I’m not going to digress into the content of last night’s conversation. It would freak you all out. I don’t need the drama mama, got enough on my plate to skate. Those of you who know me or catch the seeds I drop in all my posts will cotton on to that of which I speak. If you ask me more on this score, I’ll gently guide you to direct your gaze inwards, tune in to your inner guide, and trust your intuition.

I don’t have answers for you, but you have all the answers yourself, if only you decide to go in, look, and empower yourself. The rally cry I hear for freedom these days is becoming thunderous. I’m chuckling as I watch through the window because freedom is not in something outside of you. Real freedom, lasting freedom, is to be found only within. When you connect to that, you become truly free. For all those who can see and hear, it is time to free yourself.
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The dog days are over
The dog days are done
Can you hear the horses?
'Cause here they come

Florence & The Machine - The Dog Days Are Over
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This post is dedicated to @aagabriel, @ailindigo, @clayboyn, @mondoshawan and @elgeko. All of you have inspired me for months by being authentic, being open, and teaching me in each of your own ways just by being yourselves. Thank you.
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All photos taken by Nine with a Pentax digital 35mm camera.
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Connect the dots and see everything as one. We are all one, we were all one a milisecond before the big bang! Separation is an illusion. Many of us have learned things the hard way, to break free from these invisible prisons, to shake of the programming, to break free from our physical, mental chains. Your way to write anout your experiences are such a strong healer for yourself and everyone out there ready to break the mirror. You are a true inspiration !
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It is so good for our creative souls to find inspiring people. I was lucky to connect with actionist artists and philosophs when I was young. They taught me to question everything and they taught me to look under the carpet and think the unthinkable, the tabu, the forbidden. Everything seen from a neutral 3rd position. A yogi in Rishikesh teached me how to breathe life energy, how to find inner peace of mind. Some strong psychedelic drugs opened my mind, made me find this neutral peaceful position outside of my body, dissolving my ego and my pain and taught me to reconnect with nature and all animals, funghi, lichen, mold, earth, wind and fire. +hug

Thank you so much @elgeko! Loving your art here, those colours and the design just sum up what you're saying in words so beautifully.

Separation is an illusion. Many of us have learned things the hard way, to break free from these invisible prisons, to shake of the programming, to break free from our physical, mental chains.

Exquisitely expressed, this is exactly it.

It is so good for our creative souls to find inspiring people.

It most certainly is. Food for the soul.

You've had an incredible journey yourself I see. So many key points you've touched on, I have little to add.

dissolving my ego and my pain

So key, so very key in the growth process. Beautiful. +many hugs

The best way to figure out what we believe is to have others to agree and disagree with and then reflect on it. Contrast is necessary. Much love to the geko.

That call must have been some wild shit! 👀

Got to say that this hit deeps, on so many levels, there is so much information here that not many will grasp, the whole post makes me shiver, the inability we have as humans to be human is astounding!

The distraction we have filled ourselves with took the place of our soul and now is hard to find it back lost in the madness of this collapsing world! Like you say this is the moment where there will be a line drawn between people, who will make it and who won't, and in making it I mean finding who you really are!

Honestly in some parts it feels like this post is written to me, I feel attacked in some moments, but not in a malicious way, not at all, simply for being a creature that is lost and struggles to find meaning in life and even in myself, I am truly detached from the nature and the spirituality that we all should be looking for, society did a great job in boosting our egos, we now are left with only that, a fake image of who we truly are! It makes me sick to think that I am just another soulless physical medium that is now empty...

The time is nigh! Time to get back to ourselves, our real self! You bring awareness in a world where people do not want it, people run away from it! I have a deep respect for you that run in the opposite way, towards your true self! You must be sick of seeing people lost everywhere asking for help, when they can only help themselves, but we have not been trained for this, we have been trained for the exact opposite!

I can spend reading your posts for days, no matter how many times I read it there is always something that I miss, a details, a little information, I have been thinking about this for many days now, and everyday I quickly re read the post to see if it brings different emotions and thoughts, and it does, I now decided to answer with the thoughts I gathered until now, probably you do not want to read a book 🤣 so yeah here are my thoughts about this deep post! It feels like as I was reading it there was a demon looking at my screen behind me curious to see what I would do with this information, I hope to have sent that demon away now 😂

I have been practising meditation, not as much as I'd like to but I am learning and gathering new information everyday or every other day, it's not easy with the many distractions that we have, difficult to cut the ties to the system even tho I'd love to, too many variables that needs readdressing and lots of work and effort, but I feel like I am slowly walking towards the right path, life is though but it't not an excuse, we need to take charge of ourselves and our life, just like you said here! You're a mentor!

Chapeu

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I’m not one for being on voice calls, side effects from call center days, two hundred calls a day. Avoid the phone, text only please unless emergency.

I feel you, but mine was a bit different. I had to call 90+ people a day upselling a product, running surveys, and all that crap.

Wow, this hit home. Every single bit of it. Human existence is chaotic and trying to make sense of everything can end badly. Your experiences are beautiful. It's what makes you believe me. Practically all that you have shared resonates with me. From wanting so bad to be in control (which is not real/possible by the way) to lack of motivation and interest in everything, etc.

(I don't know what I am yapping about), but I know this, Freedom is truly of the mind. All it takes is a bit of introspection.

PS- You should have those conversations often, I can assure you, It helps to lay down some baggage on someone else.

(Obviously someone close, that cares about you, not some weird stranger 🤣) LOVE AND LIGHT.

!discovery 22

but... weird strangers are the best strangers!

Yes Clay, yes, lol, they most certainly are, even if I'm biased because of my experiences.

Sometimes 😅

I'd love to hear one of yours.😉😁

I'd gladly tell. 😅

Look forward to it 🙃

Please tag me when you do. I do not want to miss it. 😂

Ah, the joys of upselling, surveys and the like, that I also not so fondly recall. Learned quite a bit though.

Thank you @stevenson7! I'm touched that what I wrote hit home for you. I was looking at it in the wee hours of the morning thinking it was a potential word poop mess.😂

From my observations, each of us tells ourselves stories of how we are in control because of this or that. We're always looking for solid ground to rest on when there is no solid ground, which is another illusion.

(I don't know what I am yapping about), but I know this, Freedom is truly of the mind. All it takes is a bit of introspection.

Pretty fine yapping you're doing here from what I'm seeing. Absolutely, freedom is in the mind as you say.

PS- You should have those conversations often, I can assure you, It helps to lay down some baggage on someone else.

I'm very possessive of my baggage, not letting anyone have that, it's all mine, mine, mine to unpack, truly divine. I figure others are fairly endowed with their own baggage, therefore plenty to contend with, LOL!

If you were around to hear the conversations I've had with strangers, you'd probably get some laughs. I do like to talk to street people at times also. Never know what I might learn at any given opportunity.

Thanks so much @stevenson7, wonderful to read your words!

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hee,hee
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Sorry, it's a must that I'm part of this thread too :v lol

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😂 You know, Canada Incorporated has a registered trademark on "sorry", since it's what most Canadians identify with profoundly. I'm sorry to inform you of this, truly sorry, so sorry, sorry for forever.

Water flows into water, wouldn't be the same otherwise. 😉

Tree Times the last seven Days! Love you Sister!

😂😂😂I'm still wishing for the snore effect, I have a feeling I'm missing out on that one.
Amour à mon cher frère. Le temps est court maintenant, heureusement.

hahah dat window!

More than ever I feel now the need to empower myself, and above all b e f r e e (:

This phrase has been a recurring finding whithin my research, different words every time but same thing: "Truth is reached not only by reason, but also by the heart."

Also, another recent sychronizity here I think you're gonna like :D

🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊

thank u for this, always be inspiring and be that kindergarten best friend ever (I'm so touched T.T)

the biggest of hugs! 💙

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Sí, esa ventana! Jajaja!

This phrase has been a recurring finding within my research, different words every time but same thing: "Truth is reached not only by reason, but also by the heart."

What you've said is right on target, due to what is seated in the heart. How interesting, most especially that you find this recurring. Patterns speak volumes.

Well that music link gave me a little quiver shiver and a grin, thank you. Also, thanks for introducing me to new music, you're so good at that. 😂

You're welcome @ailindigo, thank you! Love that gif, it couldn't be more fitting and that's a fav of mine. So many hugs sent via water to you. 😉

💙🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊🌊💙

I like the freedom within. I'm only just getting to know it, but it does make the doing outside stuff easier.

I don't know if you ever feel this, but my own journey, my own suffering, I'm not glad that it happened, but if it hadn't, would I have become the person I am today? Gratitude for my own endurance or some shit like that. Endurance like persistence, continuation, not just putting up with.

It's a process, this freedom within, so treasure each moment of that.

I don't know if you ever feel this....

I'm going to take it one step further and say I'm glad that every horrible thing that's happened to me has happened. I'd never be who I am if any of those threads were pulled out of the tapestry of my life. I love myself fully and even have compassion (took a long time) for those who caused me harm. So yes, I'm very, very grateful for all the gifts I've been sent that way. Grateful for all I have inside. Grateful for where I am right now.

Thank you @corvidae!

🖤❤️💜

Pardon my lack of eloquence today. I hope these hearts suffice.

No lack of eloquence by my eyeballs. Love the hearts and your presence is more than all the hearts in the world, since I value authenticity. 😉🤗

Awwwwww hey thanks! Likewise.

You're welcome, calling it how I see it. Thank you also!

I suppose it's better than being only half there. There's something to be said for the space between though. Nothing to fear and no reason to hold back and no reason to rush. We all get wherever it is we're going when we need to be there. Time and space are just coordinates to occupy our minds.

What's better than being only half there?

Nothing to fear and no reason to hold back and no reason to rush.

Yes, being in a continuous "now". There is much the monkey mind gets occupied with, swinging around all those trees.

Thank you @clayboyn. Loving your new avatar. I can see all these beautiful colours in you.

Well if you have to be only half here, I suppose it's better than being only half there. Anyways it was a play on words and I'm sure we're all half somewhere anyway.

LOLOL! You're killing me. So kind of circles around like, it is what it is and it can't be what it isn't?

Yes, a play on words that refers specifically to, "one foot in and one foot out", meaning one foot in this world and one foot out, as has been how the water flows this time around the wheel.

I'm sure I'm half of something, somewhere, sometime in a timeline that be mine.

There's pieces of us scattered through all realities and times. We'll never know all of the ripples we've made that have impacted others in some way or how many of those ripples come back and wash over us as waves in the end. Each one of us is absolutely fundamental to existence itself and without even one of us, existence would not be what it is. But there's one thing I'm absolutely certain about and have never doubted since becoming aware of it. I'm always 'here' wherever I find myself to be. It's always 'now' even when I forget and get lost in my head. Those are two things we cannot change no matter how much we try. Wherever "we" are is "here" and it's always "now." Okay I'm going back to work and jumping out of this philosophical wormhole. It doesn't go anywhere anyway (ba dum tssss).

I'm always 'here' wherever I find myself to be. It's always 'now' even when I forget and get lost in my head.

Very interesting point, a perspective I had not seen from before. Thank you. I agree.

Okay I'm going back to work and jumping out of this philosophical wormhole. It doesn't go anywhere anyway (ba dum tssss).

It goes as far as you're open to going. 😉

Yes, +clawwhip, back to work, away with ye now boyo!😂

It sounds like it was cathartic this mammoth call. I can't guess to imagine what you have been through but it sounds like you are getting on the right side of it now.

That sounds awfully platitudey, but I mean it!

Thanks @meesterboom!
It was definitely one of those mammoth calls, even scored some tundra tusk.

I can't guess to imagine what you have been through but it sounds like you are getting on the right side of it now.

I think we all have stories to tell of challenges. I've heard many from those I've been fortunate to get to know along the way.

Right, Left, Right, Left, Right, Left

"Right" made me think of marching days not in March. Beware the Ides of March perhaps?. Me and my ridiculousness.

In all seriousness, not sure of unspoken sidewalk walking rules in Scotland, but here, you walk on the right side, although there are always those who walk on the left side. In a city this size, it means moving over to the left, then to the right and so on. It seems pointless to me to waste energy unnecessarily, so I took to walking down the middle, which cuts the distance I have to move left or right out of another's way in half (energy conservation). Walking the middle path, so to speak. 😉

Here we pretty much wall where we please add long as it feels right :0)

It's good to get it out though, so I am glad you had the mammoth call!

So that equates to Scottish following their own paths. Canadians seem rather regimented by comparison, or maybe it's just city life, lol. Rural is a little more unruly.

That discussion lifted a weight I've been carrying since before 2020, so I was very glad indeed to see that go and be replaced with a lightness and peace inside. I think I could kick up my heels and say let's have a "World Party" now, wahoooooooo!

Scots can be quite regimented in many other ways, mostly drinking and fighting. Lol!

Hehe, then you totally should kick up your heels and revel in that lightness and peace even if only mentally!

Sounds like Irish and also Newfoundland, LOL! Which reminds me, I'm out of ale, trip for later.

Ha! I'm putting on the boots and sequin jeans to get really flashy for my private party of one, semi-serious, lol. Full serious, I'm extremely grateful not to have to carry what I know in silence for too many years. Also grateful to have a timeline that relieves me of putting energy towards what has been bearing no fruit and is of little interest to me. Beer cheers!

Out of ale??? This is a travesty!!

Best get them sequinned jeans and boots on sharpish!!! Hehe

I am very glad you are feeling good at the removing of the burden.

I will happily cheers you a !BEER and I mean a real one, after all it's Wednesday and that is hump day!


Hey @nineclaws, here is a little bit of BEER from @meesterboom for you. Enjoy it!

Learn how to earn FREE BEER each day by staking your BEER.

Yay! 🤗
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Thanks for sharing this today. These are creative artwork.

You're most welcome, glad you enjoyed!

Thanks for sharing, this is really creative.

You're welcome, I'm happy you enjoyed my post!

 9 months ago  

These experiences are quite intense indeed. We need to have them and I'm glad that you are in a better place in many ways. A lot of people encounter these situations and don't know what to do or how to react and that's okay but sadly many never get back from that point to a better one. It sounds like you've gotten to a better point which is great!

I know that we can only drop what seeds we can for people to either pick up and plant themselves, eat and shit them out or just ignore them altogether. I myself have certainly yearned for someone to bestow all kinds of knowledge on me and have sometimes had that but until you come to something yourself it's hard to really appreciate some stuff.

I'm with you on not being able to open the vault that's our mind because people aren't open minded (pun intended :D) for many things so we just keep to ourselves. Sometimes its gratifying to say "well, look at that I was right" even if it's a fucked up thing lol

Thank you @cmplxty.

many never get back from that point to a better one

This happens with people, self-imposed, all by the individual's choice.

I know that we can only drop what seeds we can for people to either pick up and plant themselves, eat and shit them out or just ignore them altogether.

Very funny way to put it. It's up to others what they choose, all one needs to do is focus on growing oneself, what others do with seeds and the like, it's all on them what they decide to do. Most definitely direct experience is the best teacher. That said, there are no limits on what one can learn every day by being present in the moment, developing self-awareness, and being an observer of what one thinks, feels, says, and does every day. Excellent learning and growth opportunity through such a practice.

Sometimes its gratifying to say "well, look at that I was right" even if it's a fucked up thing lol

LOL, I used to think that way until I saw my ego clearly and lost the need to "be right" and point that out to whatever situation. I keep my focus on my own internal house cleaning, otherwise, I might just start firing out orders like I have authority over others, which is laughable.

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Check out the last post from @hivebuzz:

Introducing NFT for Peace

Aw nice.
I missed this earlier. Haven't been online much but what a nice post.

Thanks Gabe! I know you been away travelling where it counts 😉