I am having one of those days... One of those sadly recurring days where I question my character and constitution, as well as the world in general and daily life as it is stretched out before me.
Wow, that sounds a bit grander than intended. But I am down in one of my holes, one of the holes I am getting terribly familiar with. I find it hard to figure out if I need to work on my mind or my life. Probably both after all.
A week ago I started a new job. It is the weekend, the first day. And I am not at rest. It started fine, I got the job I was hoping for, a full-time job, 8-4, Monday-Friday, just around the corner from where I live. No commute, just a nice walk to work. It is manual work, not skilled, just like I pictured would be good for me at this point. Simple job I can put behind me as soon as the clock strikes four. To be able to enjoy the free hours of the rest of the day and put them to good use.
I am going from having a very sporadic part-time job to being full time - in a country where a full-time week usually means a lot more hours than the country that I am from. I need to start earning my keep, feeling quite guilty not to. My husband works full time, which has been very lucky for me. I have had quite a good run on this part-time deal!
Back to the workforce I am. And I liked it at first. I potentially will be fine next week. But this Friday the supervisor said something that threw me off my balance. Just one sentence and all my calm was slipping away. Just something about how I would have to do this job all by myself next week, no more training wheels. And I am afraid I am gonna sound like a cliche when I say that it was more the way he said it. Like a threat. I did not care for his tone... Maybe because I find him hard to read anyway, never smiles, does not joke along or anything. So maybe it is more that.
Even though both he and a colleague the day before had told me I was doing really good, just this one sentence left me with this dizzying sensation of dread, and my movements got stiffer and my mind kinda froze. I could feel the weekend turn into this long dreadful wait before a whole week of this weird pressure to perform and be able to read this person's opinions.
And here I am. Not really relaxed, even though I am trying my best, with movies on the couch, new books from the library, tea and coffee and my duvet and everything. I am really trying to cozy up and make the most of my freedom. But it just won't seep in properly.
I feel restless, and I am weepy. I am reading my horoscope to see if there is anything in that to encourage me. I feel a need to desperately plan for something in the near future to look forward to. Little "pockets of light" as one of my friends call it. I feel annoyed with the world and society for not allowing a person like me to live a happier life free of the pressures of performance and such.
And of course, I know that the problem is mainly inside me. And that makes me feel bad about myself. I also know that there are other jobs and ways to make a living and all that. It is in the visions of my future. But to be able to get there, I can't see a way around a regular job that pays the bills and save a bit of money.
I have been here before. I have been deeper into this hole. I have experienced bouts of general anxiety and anxiety related to a personal crisis. I have been quite stressed out at a couple of other workplaces. Three now that I think of it. I recognize the signs and symptoms. And as I said, I know it can get a lot worse. But why do I have to feel this way? What is wrong with me that I take such a little thing to heart, why does it grow to such proportions? And why does it happen to me in almost every single job I have? As my husband once asked - when debating whether or not I should continue as part-time or go for this full-time version of that job - "Will you ever be able to hold a full-time position?"
Does anybody else feel this anxiety over work, even the simplest of jobs? If anybody wants to commiserate or have some words of wisdom or encouragement, it would be greatly appreciated.
Now, I will watch another movie classic and pull the duvet up high, while I wait for this dreaded Monday...
You write beautifully, and that's a very moving post. I hate to sound, Idk... But I really relate to how you feel. Both my wife and I talked about this modern problem long before we were married. And it took us quite a few years to find a solution, and even longer as you say to start on our journey towards freedom. Financial, and otherwise.
We moved to Portugal a month ago, and would like to offer a way out, an economic practical model to live life free of the economic anxiety we all know too well.
If this interests you, @eco-alex wrote a great post about the idea.
I don't know you so I don't know if it will speak to you, but I believe in this project enough to bet my sons future on it, so I owe it to you to share the information. Please feel free to do with it what is best for you.
https://steemit.com/ecotrain/@eco-alex/steem-ecovillage-update-land-aquired-in-portugal-website-launch-ecovillage-token-is-live
Namaste
Hi @orlev , thank you so much for the understanding and the encouragement. It is nice to hear about you guys taking charge and doing something about your life situation. It is along the same lines that my husband and I are thinking. We have investigated the One planet development scheme in Wales, are thinking about self-builds and going off grid, tiny houses and all that. It all stil requires money, so here we are, paying our dues... hey ho.
I will definitely follow your journey in Portugal! It sounds very interesting, and I will read up on the whole eco-village project. It is still a bit abstract to me how the whole economy of it will work( I still really don't get how Steemit works either...), but it sounds like a good way of life! I had a peek once at prices for land and housing in Portugal and it seems like you can get a lot more for your money, especially in terms of land, than compared to England and other such countries.
Thanks again for reading and reaching out. Much obliged :)