For a long while, I was very much on this whole woohoo let's be happy chappy people who are constantly in this joyful state of bliss. But I was ignoring a HUGE part of myself. The part in myself that is made up of the dark nasty shit. Which I didn't want to acknowledge.
I didn't want to look at the anger I was holding inside.
I was ignoring the well of hate of I was carrying with me.
Jealousy for all sorts of different reasons wasn't showing its face.
And more.
And now I am going to be REALLY vulnerable and put this on here even though it could be really misinterpreted.
I had trouble acknowledging the little bit of racism that lives within my being.
I didn't want to see the judgmental thoughts I was having about everybody for all sorts of different things!
( Phew, that was actually pretty hard to write down )
See? These are not really 'nice' things we want to think about and to look at.
For me, I didn't want to access that well of blackness within because I felt I had a personality I had to uphold.
Which is COMPLETELY ridiculous of course!
Plus this was part of a survival coping mechanism to just get through the day because my life has been a strange twisted very happy moments and deep horrible stuff happening.
And to this day, I am still dealing with the bad shit that I've been through and let happen.
( I will slowly start writing about my life. It's a lot to write about so it'll be coming in small waves of emotion filled pieces )
It felt like I would be a BAD person if I were to really look at this part of myself.
So it was WAY easier to just ignore it and waddle through life like I was a happy hippy yoga chick witout an issue in the world.
But you know what?
THAT SHIT DOES NOT WORK
It's true.
It really does not.
It actually made me a way unhappier person because I was denying myself. I was not embracing who I was in my complete totality.
And slowly, a few years ago, the process started.
The slow agonizing shift into accepting that I have these qualities.
Seeing the anger.
Accepting the hate.
Owning up to my little inner racism.
And the other aspects to my being that I wasn't acknowledging before.
And you know what?
IT FELT SO FREEING
By being really honest about it all, I didn't have to hide anymore.
And because I was just so open about it, other people didn't judge me for it.
It actually created a space in which they felt safe enough to express their own inner demons.
And what happens then is that you meet eachother in real human form.
In lovingness.
In acceptance.
You realize that you are not a bad person for having these feelings.
They just happen to live inside you because of things that have happened to you (or you let happen).
And that these are just ideas.
They are not the stone cold truth.
Which means you can change your ideas, perception, feelings to something else (if you want to).
But the first step is acceptance.
It is by embracing my inner darkness that I can be completely authentically myself.
And this is the EXACT reason why I think everyone should do the same!
Now I know this may seem like a strangely hard task.
And I am not going to lie. It is a bit of an undertaking.
But if you approach this from a love-based place, it'll be a lot sweeter, softer and kinder than you can imagine.
You will be met by fear-based perspectives judgements from yourself and others, but it's a practice to receive and understand them and meet them from a loving place too.
It's only by moving in and holding space from a loving stance, that this shit can be transformed.
That is not to say that you can't be angry. So pissed off you want to smash a window in.
Or any other intense heavy emotions that want to be accessed and expressed.
But you can express them with love as the undertone.
And it's a way different way of doing that then the unruly impact of letting emotions go wild.
Here's to embracing all of who you are and the freedom in being yourself when you do that!
BIG love,
Ashley
Good Post! Not easy being honest about inner feelings.
True!
Quite true, this one. There are some things I recently discovered I'm capable of and it just scares the shit outta me. Lol. Recently, I've discovered feelings of anger and resentment as well as jealousy for so many reasons I cannot begin to tell someone about. So far I've been trying to get my shit together, but it ain't easy not expressing some of that emotion.
When I read a bit of meditations by Marcus Aurelius, I figured self acceptance with love as the undertone really is the way to go.
Thanks for sharing @ashleykalila
Well done you @pangoli
:)
If you ever need someone to talk to , especially about this, I am here.
Without judgement.
In a loving space!
<3
Good post it is important to stay true to yourself
✊️🙏💖
🔥🙌🏽
Didn't know you were in Thailand, Ashley. Not sure if you are living in country, but I am. This point you make about confronting what Carl Jung called "the shadow" is of increasing pertinence as the world continues descending further and deeper into materialism and separation from truth. People, as individuals and collectives, are suppressing so much STUFF, and the result is that reality becomes increasingly warped/perverted as all of those suppressed emotions literally distort the fabric of reality. This is why the world, overall, is looking increasingly "absurd". Absurdity has become the NEW NORM, which is a real head-screw for the select number of us who strive to live our lives "one nervous breakdown at a time", and who FIGHT to take this MONSTROUS "absurd" reality and turn it into our BITCH. We thumb our noses at it, we give it the trans-dimensional FINGER, and we refuse to allow it to CONSUME and POSSESS us, as it does the great "masses of asses" who are mere VECTORS of its CONJECTURE.
You give some FINE "mental head", which really gets my GLANDS pumping ... Keep it up...
Unfortunately not living in beautiful Thailand anymore!
Want to go back! The plans are being made 😊
Where in Thailand you at?
I think you've just written the basis of a new post for your blog 🙌🏽
I can't come up with anything mega deep to say now. Having had a bit of a crazy weekend!
(I dont really drink that much and just having two beers makes me hungover the next day. Haha. Plus I dont do well sleeping just four hours a night!)
Promise that an indepth answer is on its way when the body has had a good sleep and the mind isnt zonked out...
🌻
No problem. I am no stranger of BOUTS of weekend hedonism, combined with BOUTS of chronic insomnia, combined with day-long/week-long BOUTS of hermit-type seclusion. No need to explain. As I prefer not to give out personal details in public you can email me at [email protected] for my location if you'd like. Yes, a more detailed comment should be interesting. Take your time. Your recent round of FINE "mental head" has fulfilled me for at least several days. I need some time to REFRACT...
Somehow I believe that if we were able to do just that and be brutally honest with each other, we would evolve much faster and safer... great post. Followed, upvoted.
Oh for sure!!
Thanks dear! :)