I will never understand why men hit women. No one ever put his hands on my mother and I couldn't imagine anyone doing so. Before the pandemic began, I ran into someone I'd known since high school. We'd attended some of the same classes and I was happy to see her again. Stopping in a Rite Aid where I knew the manager, we recognized each other and I waved hello. Heading over to ask how she was doing, I was surprised to see this once happy and confident woman, was now nervous, sullen and downcast.
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Turns out she'd gotten married and was worried about her husbands friends. Puzzled, I learned that he'd told them to "keep an eye" on her and she was worried they would see us talking and report her to him. Really. I was astonished when she also told me that she had to account for every minute she spent outside of the home and felt bad for her for being in this situation. Not wanting to be the cause of any friction, I wished her well and walked away.
In this area, we see a lot of this in a certain culture that arrived in our area in the 90's due to crop failures in their home countries. The area that I grew up in that was Polish, German and Irish, is now made of of a majority from these areas, with many good people fleeing to the suburbs due to the violent culture brought in by the newcomers. Violence as we've never seen before, such as our first beheading and the killing of our first police officer since the city was founded 250 years ago. Instead of robbing a store, getting the money and leaving, they now shoot the clerk on the way out. The area has been completely destroyed by a macho culture where it is considered ok to beat and even kill women. It's puzzling as the culture I was raised in, it is considered cowardly to hit a woman. Asking around, I found that in their families, the young girls see their grandfathers beat the grandmother. The uncle hits the aunt. The father beats their mother and so this becomes normalized in the mind of a young girl raised in that milieu.
One would think that they would marry outside of that violent world, but it seems a sort of Stockholm Syndrome begins to develop which locks them into that cycle of pain. Fear grows inside them and the prospect of leaving then becomes dangerous. We've seen situations where a tenant asked for the police to be called while she was being beaten and then flatly refused to press charges against the boyfriend, TWICE. She told the authorities both times that they were "just having a loud argument" which was not the truth. The police then chewed out the residents for wasting their time and she was informed that no further calls would be made on her behalf. They weren't. He attacked her a third time and no one responded. The young son was hurt when he tried to protect his mother. After seeing him motionless on the floor, she finally broke down and pressed charges, ending the relationship. They were evicted from the building and all was quiet again.
I recall being at the market once, when a couple were discussing telemarketers calling the wife's phone. The man from this culture said out loud that if he found out his wife was talking to another man, he would kill her, the kids and then himself. Everyone gasped. How in the world does it get to this point, where she has to live in fear of even random phone calls and why doesn't she leave after the first threat?
Some do. A bunch of people once helped a woman move while her abusive husband was away at work. She cut all ties and left a note for him on the kitchen table. She was told that since this nonsense was a feature of her ethnic group, she'd be better off dating someone outside of it. Many women fall in love far too easily and would benefit by doing some checking on any prospective partner before committing. Check with his ex's, is there a history of controlling behavior or violence in his past relationships? If so, stay the hell away from him. A co-worker I once knew told everyone that his wife was his PROPERTY. Unreal and she stayed with him until he began beating her over minor things.
And where are the brothers and other male relatives of these unfortunate women? Why, doing the exact same things to their spouses. I was surprised to see very little action from them. We had a situation once with my cousin, where the neighbors reported the very beginnings of violence and control from someone from that culture. He was at the "punching the wall near her head" stage and had not yet hit her. As soon as my family found out, he was paid a visit and informed that the relationship was over and "persuaded" to pack his shit up and leave. "You might do that to girls from YOUR culture, but we'll be damned if you're bringing that shit into ours." We also told my cousin she was lucky this time and to stay the hell away from people raised like that as we may not be able to protect her quickly enough next time.
The woman that got help moving was named Lucy. I asked her how it started between her and her husband and she said in the beginning, he was a perfect gentleman. However, after awhile, his "boys" began to ask him when he was going to start getting his wife "under control." This sort of peer pressure is key as now he feels he must prove his manhood or lose face in front of his friends. She described first have to report where she'd been, then report where she was going, finally being given time limits on how long she could be out. Any deviation resulted in massive arguments. All of this was done slowly and gradually, like cooking a frog. With her, it was a sudden slap in the face that did it as she was seen as taking too long at the store. Lucy packed her bags and got the hell out of there. She escaped, some women aren't so lucky.
What I see here is that people aren't doing even basic background checks on guys at all. Do they check his Facebook or talk to others who have dated him? Nope. Check court records, talk to his co-workers to find out if he's a batterer? Nope. "He would never lay a hand on me" seems to be the mantra, until he does. Now, in order to extricate herself from a violent situation, she has to put others at risk, including relatives and the police, who've told me that these are the most dangerous types of calls. People have been shot and killed themselves trying to save a woman who fell in love too easily and failed to check out his background before jumping into a relationship with him.
https://www.thehotline.org/
1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
Text "START" to 1-800-799-SAFE (7233)
The important thing to realize is that you are a sovereign being. You are no one's PROPERTY and control your own actions. If you begin to find yourself in the "reporting" stage, that's a warning to end the relationship and get the hell away from him. Finding yourself being cut off from family and friends? See that as the control mechanism that it is. Recognize that the violence stage is next, usually with threats, hitting and throwing objects all to condition you to being assaulted yourself. If he's hit a woman once, he'll do it again. Don't give him that chance. The important thing is to seek help before it's too late. Once free of the monster, resolve to do your homework before dating the next guy. If he's violent, he's going to leave a trail of dangerous relationships in his past. Your job is to find those people, to ensure you don't become the next one.