I “met” Pablo on Tinder. It was the weirdest Tinder "meeting" ever. He told me he’d recognized one of my photos (that photo above) from a cam website. It was true. Maybe that was an amateur mistake on my part, using the same photo. The thing is, my Tinder was connected to my Instagram, so that meant he knew my real identity.
Before I started camming, I decided that if people found out I was a cam-girl, I wouldn’t care. And really, I didn’t care about that aspect. The only creepy thing about it was the factor of danger/stalking which had never come up before, as my cam-identity was not connected or searchable to the real me. Now, this guy who had seem me, maybe in a public cam room, could go to my Instagram which then led to my website through a few steps, and after that, it wouldn’t be THAT hard to find me physically. Something just felt weird about it.
He immediately asked me if I would come to his hotel room and have sex with him. He ever offered to pay me, but said, “I doubt you will need to be paid after what I will do to you.” I rolled my eyes, though he didn’t see it, we were texting. His Tinder pics were attractive, but clearly, no. Camming is one thing. Prostitution is another. I get it that there are similarities, but there are also HUGE differences. Just a few months into camming, I already was starting to feel a lot of the negative things that would later surface as a looming darkness in my psyche, so having sex for money felt out of the question.
The problem was, I was desperate, eating the cheapest rice and pasta I could buy, and it was starting to affect my health. Carbs like that make you tired when overconsumed, and I’ve even heard that diet can significantly affect your mental health, which I 100% believe. Paying the rent and bills was getting harder and harder, and I just kept going into more debt after my dog’s surgery.
I started to feel weird for considering his offer for a lot of reasons. I didn’t want to do it, but if I could get a little bit ahead for just a few hours of “work,” why not? I have no disrespect for prostitutes. If that’s how you feel comfortable making your money, you should do it. Sex means a lot of different things to a lot of different people, and that’s fine. Uniqueness among humans is what makes the world a beautiful and interesting place. But for me, I barely felt comfortable camming from what the guys were starting to ask me to do. Imagine me in a real-life setting? Eek. And I don’t even need to get into the safety concerns of this setup, right? Those were also heavily on my mind.
After a few days, he offered to pay me for private camming on Skype. That, I could do. Doing it on Skype would mean I would be able to keep 100% of the money (the camming websites take a HUGE percentage). So I told him my rate of $3/minute, and that he had to pay me before the session through PayPal. Not long after, I checked my PayPal, and there was the money. So it began.
Fast-forward to lots of months later. I was still camming to supplement the diminishing writing work I was finding (diluted market, people offering writing services for so cheap that I couldn’t compete (kind of like Fiver, if you know what that is, whatever the reason, I was still camming). I had moved in with my boyfriend and was madly in love with him (I still am). He’s an artist too, a musician, and had just finished his Master’s in Live Audio and Music Production. He was also having trouble finding work. This was in Barcelona, where neither of us had work visas, and his student visa was up. The last thing he wanted to do in that moment was to move back home to Mexico, because he felt like he had just escaped. He was looking for jobs online, under the table, everything, but nothing was coming through. The rice and pasta life continued.
One day, Pablo texted me asking if I could do a cam session right in that moment. I told him about my agreement with my boyfriend, that I wouldn’t cam when he was home, but he was there. That’s when Pablo said, it’s fine, just suck his dick, I’ll pay you extra.
I took deep breath, considering it. Should I go ask my boyfriend if he’s interested, I thought. Pablo kept insisting. He was offering double the money of a solo cam session, and 30 minutes. How could I say no? My boyfriend likes getting his dick sucked, like most guys, so why would he care? His face wasn’t going to be in it. So I asked him, and his jaw dropped. Literally, his mouth was agape for at least a minute. Despite hesitation, the thing about desperation is that you do things you might not do otherwise. We are both really open people, so we thought, well, why not try. Sure, it’s weird, but if it’s horrible, we can just never do it again and put it behind us.
The next thing I knew, my boyfriend had his pants down and I was sucking his dick on Skype. Pablo, having paid for this, was giving lots of instructions about what he wanted to see. At first it was fine, normal. Then, it wasn’t. He was telling my boyfriend to choke me with his dick, to make me cry, to slap my face with it, to make me gag so hard that I couldn’t breathe, and only stop right before I really, truly couldn’t take it anymore. I was in so much pain, and on top of it, the fact that my boyfriend was seeing me like this and participating in it was breaking my heart. But we really needed the money, and I just kept telling myself: only a little longer, Jessica. You can do this. Just don’t worry. This went on for the majority of the half hour, until at the end, he told my boyfriend to finish in my mouth while deepthroating. I ended up gagging so hard I had to spit it out, and some mucus-y vomit came out with it.
I cried for hours after that. My boyfriend held me for awhile, but then he said he needed to get away from me for a bit. The whole thing just made him feel so horrible, and he needed space. All I could think was that he was thinking less of me, thinking gross things about me, having had to witness that and participate in it. It put me into a heavy darkness for weeks. I spent so much time alone in my room crying. Even though my boyfriend said it was fine, that that wasn’t the reason for him feeling so shitty, we had to live forever with that demoralizing experience in our memories, and it pushed us apart for awhile.
I wanted to block Pablo from my phone, but I also didn’t want him to send out any screenshots that he might have taken. He said he wouldn’t do that before we started, though I suppose it’s obvious that his trustworthiness wasn’t a quality I was familiar with or believed in. Instead, I just ignored him until he stopped texting me. Which he did. And he never sent any screenshots out to my knowledge.
It wasn’t until I was desperate again not that long ago, having so much trouble finding work, trying to avoid late fees on my vet bills for late payments putting me even further into debt, that I texted Pablo again. He wanted a session right away, and I did it, but it brought me right back to that horrible day. Also, he wasn’t satisfied with the dildo that I had, saying it wasn’t big enough (though, let me tell you, it is big). So he asked me if I would use something else, suggesting things that no one should ever put inside of them, like the nonbusiness end of a knife and a beer bottle. In the end, he “compromised” for a cucumber. It wasn’t so bad, the cucumber part, just the fact that he needed to make me feel like a worthless object in order to get off.
Now I blocked him. And I am fairly certain that I will never be communicating with him again. I guess my level of desperation would have to get to another level before that would happen, and I am doing everything in my power to avoid that situation. In the end, I would do anything for my dog, so if she ever needs more surgery or treatment, I will do what I have to.
Thanks for listening. Though I have lots of others, that is the my worst cam story. I know I’m stronger for going through it, and my relationship with my boyfriend is stronger too. I just really don’t want to do it anymore. I feel like the universe sent me here to Steemit just in time.
xoxo,
Jessica
p.s. In case you want to hear my intro story about how I got into camming in the first place and what it's been like overall, you can read it here:
Really appreciate the share. The collision of two world is always such an interesting intersection in human relationships. Like asking a partner to try something new. Telling a secret only you know. Admitting to a past crime.
It's always fascinated me that the narrative about women using their bodies how they want, for financial gain is always so two sided. Feminists can't agree because on the one hand, a woman should be able to do what she wants with her sexuality, and on the other hand there can be intrinsic abuse involved as a history or an inevitability. Silly as it sounds (and potentially ghost written) Jenna Jameson's autobiography was a fantastic read.
Thank you again for sharing this story.
Thanks for the recommendation! I am definitely going to check it out! Watching Hot Girls Wanted on Netflix, the first episode about cam girls, really affected me because I fully understood the scope of this business after that. It starts out so light and fun, and then the end gets really dark if you pay attention.
Thank you for caring and listening to my story. The Steemit community I'm realizing is so much more than a way to make money. People actually care here, and knowing that people is listening is pretty powerful too.
P.S. I think ghostwriting is a totally legit business. Not everyone who has a story to tell has the power with words to tell it right. Maybe hiding the fact that it was written by someone else is a little weird, but it is what it is.
<3
Thanks for sharing Jessa! Don't feel bad it will all pass. I hope you and your boyfriend will be ok soon. Steemit will help you earn some money because you write very well and with such honesty.
Nice dog! :)
<3 Luna
You write so well and I among many others value you taking the time to share your personal stories. I'm glad you found a place where you can be vulnerable and honest, and be appreciated for it. I'm glad to hear that your relationship became stronger, I for one dont think I would have been strong enough to stick it out.
The world works in mysterious ways and I am also glad that you found steemit just in time. Thanks for sharing Jess ♡
You know, it breaks my heart to read about how you and your boyfriend would have to go through such a humiliating experience just to make a living. I'm really glad you're here at Steemit. Keep writing from your heart. People are reading and upvoting -- I know I am.
hi, sorry to hear about your horror...I will help you by resteeming this post...
Glad you've found Steemit and people who value you for what you contribute here. Thank you for sharing your story. That takes a lot of courage. Upvoted and followed.
Thank you! Writing it out always makes things easier. xo
Wow!!! Thanks for sharing your story. I am sending blessings for you and your dog. Just remember that the horrific things we encounter in life make us stronger in the end... you are a tough, brave and courageous woman☺️
I am stronger. And no matter what I always will be. Thank you for what you sent in blessings . It is felt <3
You have too much talent writing to need to do that anymore. Give it 2 months on Steemit. You will be rolling in dough, not hay. You rock!
I hope you're right. Thanks for your support! <3
some really sick f'd up people out there, and that's about all I have to say about that, except for this part...
👍👍👍"I feel like the universe sent me here to Steemit just in time." 👍👍👍
<3<3
Thanks for sharing more of your story. You do it with an openness that is refreshing. I can imagine how participating in a situation like this with your boyfriend would make things complicated. I'm glad you two were able to get past that.
And you bring up a good point about places like Fiverr. When writers (or any other skilled people, for that matter) agree to work for cheap, it devalues the skill in general. It's hard (and near impossible) to find clients willing to pay what you're worth when someone else will do something similar for a tenth of what they deserve. This free market can't exactly be controlled, and so these people willing to work for almost nothing (mostly young people just trying to practice and gain experience) put a dent in the value of the skill. What they, unfortunately, don't realize is that that kind of practice means that others will follow suit, and when it's time that they want a paying job they'll have a harder time getting one that doesn't pay in pennies.
When I was in grad school, they taught me that openness and truth in writing were the only way. I think it's true.
And yeah, this is just the life we live in the society that is so volatile, especially because of the internet changing EVERYTHING. If you get out ahead without being a wolf, you've won. I'd rather be behind than a wolf though.
Thanks for listening @ocrainutah <3
Came for the title, stayed for the story, voted for Luna :)
<3 thank you for being so honest. it's my favorite thing, honesty.
Your stories make me wanna look out for you, you know... that support you kinda thing, that protect you kinda thing. Thumbs up for you and your boyfriend keeping it together in spite of that ordeal. Maybe one of these days we'll all be in the same spot and we share a story where we are all drinking beer or whatever concoction suits the moment ;)
That sounds like a great idea. I would love to meet some steemians through the door of this world. I do a fair amount of couchsurfing, so I am definitely up for it someday!
that sucks!! you have to set limits for yourself! just cos he paid you does not give him the right to order you around!
i tend to make the client tell me everything they want specifically..that way if they suddenly have a million requests mid show i dont feel like i HAVE to do it. cos we already discussed what is going on. ill just brush it off like "hey now we talked before you know that's a no no" i ONLY survive camming by setting very definite limits for myself. im sorry this happened to you <3
That's a really smart idea. My first name as a cam girl was Pepper :)
=D thats pretty cool...!
Wow tough story.
Thanks a lot for writing this. It increases empathy a lot to read how you are living the situation, and I think it is important. I have the same feeling reading about your experience as when I found the youtube channel "ask a porn star" (in which porn stars answer common question- it is probably not a representative overview of what the porn industry is, because the porn stars interviewed in this channel mostly like what they do). I don't really know why, but I feel that those human experiences that are usually "hidden" because of the shame factor need to be understood so that we get to a more respectful society.
Pablos will always exist, and they shouldn't be able to poison your life by paying you to do things you don't want to do/feel bad doing afterwards. I sincerely hope that steemit will bring you a way of living that you are completely ok with :).
I am a person whose life won't even be poisoned by anything, but I know not everyone has the same mind as me, and that's sad. I get it that this is the world and shitty things happen, and I made my choices for the reasons I did--now I am who I am because of it, a stronger and more versatile person, not the opposite. I think I choose to write about things like this because I value so highly openness and vulnerability, and in a society where things like mental illness and so-called "negative" emotions like pain and sadness are meant to be hidden away, I would love to be a part of what changes that. Hiding it is the poison. Thanks for reading and such a thoughtful response <3
Hi Jessica, your dog is beautiful. I understand the level of desperation that some of us can get into. I'm sorry that you had to experience that level of degradation. I don't think our brains know what we can and cannot handle, the survival Instinct is huge. It's good to meet you I hope to support your blogs so that you can make money on steemit.
Kudos to you and your boyfriend for working through your feelings. I completely understand how desperation can make push your usual boundaries just a little bit...a little bit more... and a bit more won't be so bad, until you are way beyond your comfort zone and feeling like you're not the person that you thought you were. Pablo sounds like the most toxic of people. Glad you're on Steemit. We'll treat you better!
:) Yeah, it's really true that the experience made our relationship even more open and strong than it already was. I guess it couldn't gone in another, very negative direction. Thanks for listening <3
Hey, Jessica, interesting story. Thanks for sharing (openly). I'm glad your out of camming for money. And have a decent boyfriend (who cares about you). Personally, I also don't like people who criticise sex workers, or porn stars. (As if nobody has ever had some naughty sexual desires. We are all just human).
It is becoming more challenging for people to find decent paying employment. In this mad world. With out resorting to doing things that make us feel uncomfortable. Nobody deserves to feel dehumanised. And as you said sex means different things to different people. What's comfortable for one person may not be comfortable for the next. There are some twisted people out there.
As a photographer I have often been tempted to capitalise on the sex industry. I guess...I could have made a financial fortune...by now?...Shooting porn. Even though I like sex. Some how shooting porn does NOT agree with my comfort levels. Of how I want to live and feel. More comfortable to keep the sex life personal. (without being boring) Rather stick to adventure photography...some things money can not buy. (You are fortunate to have...affection, love, connection)
Keep doing what makes you happy and comfortable. Trust steemit & crypto currency will provide the financial solutions for us all. Take care.
ps I resteemed your post...inspired!
Have you seen any of the famous female porn photographers out there? I saw a bunch for the first time watching the Netflix series/doc Hot Girls Wanted. Kind of an interesting take on the subject of "capitalizing on the sex industry."
Thanks for reading and following :) I followed back. Nice to get updates and news from a likeminded friend.
I really like your openness about all of his. I have lots more to say, but that'll do for now.
Thank you! Can't wait to hear what else you have to sayyyy!
Thank you for sharing this story because I think this helps all of us heal from our shame and trauma.
I think so too. That's definitely a part of why I share so openly. The other part is because if I'm going to write, I have to be honest, or what's the point...?
Honest writing. Story may have ended worse if you were in person instead of camming.
I know. Who knows what that guy is like in person if he's like that digitally. Not going to find out.
Thanks for listening. xo
@jessandthesea congrats for winner the third place in the NSFW contest.
You have been mentioned in the post contest follow up writing!
Link: https://steemit.com/nsfw/@shadmannnn/nsfw-contest-result-and-nfsw-post-contest-follow-up
Upvote and resteem if you liked the post. Thank you. :)
I absolutely LOVE that you have the courage to post about something REAL - regardless of what some may say. Being open and honest is something that I feel in many instances have gone by the waste side. You show not only those qualities, but one other very important quality - loyalty! I think it is absolutely so beautiful that you would do what it takes for your dog and that you don't just give it up when the going gets a little tough. Family is family, no matter fur or skin!
I hope things are going well with your boyfriend, and I will do what I can to support you here on steemit! Followed, resteemed and upvoted.
keep writing! because it is beautiful :)
<3 thank you <3 <3
I am vulnerable in my writing, because I have to be. Otherwise...what's the point.
xo