In our last Common Thread, we talked about Chance Encounters and I shared with you my story of meeting Megan. Talking about Megan brought back a lot of memories. I was reminded of a great pain I had caused her—and I was also reminded of the efforts I took to heal those wounds and prove to her just how much I loved her. So that's what I would like to talk about today—the lengths we’ve gone to, the gifts we’ve given, the projects we’ve undertaken in order to demonstrate our love and devotion to that most important person in our lives. Romantic Gestures are a Common Thread that unites us… so let’s share our stories.
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Within a week of meeting Megan, we were already talking about our future lives together. However, there was a bit of a complication: she was about to become a missionary and would be spending the next 18 months in Germany. I was initially very conflicted about this. We were in love, and we planned on being married eventually—but more than that, as happy as she was to share her faith, a big part of the reason she was going was out of pressure from her family.
In the two months leading up to her mission, I had been feeling less and less like a priority and, by the time she left, I saw her mission as a good thing—both for her and for us. My romantic feelings had cooled a bit (from feeling like a low priority) but I was excited to marry the woman she would become.
For those who may not know about Mormon missions and mission rules (at least as they were in 2000), missionaries weren't allowed to email, call or visit family or friends for the duration of the mission (with the exception of calling home for Christmas). The only way for them to communicate was through old-fashioned letters...
Megan was an amazing (and diligent) writer. Every week, almost without fail, she would send me long, thoughtful, multi-page, hand-written letters. My letters to her, by comparison, left a lot to be desired. In my defense, my life wasn't nearly as interesting as hers and her letters doubled as something of a journal for her.
Well, life happened… and, over the course of her mission, I'm ashamed to admit that my confidence in our future together started to wane--it was a situation of out-of-sight-out-of-mind for me. I had just moved to San Jose, California and just started my first post-college job.
By the time Megan's mission was winding down, she had sensed my waning feelings and she felt betrayed by them... As a result, she started to bury her feelings for me and our relationship digressed from “passionate soul mates” to “platonic friends”.
But all that changed for me the moment she landed in San Jose (where, coincidentally, her family was from). In that moment, ALL of my feelings rushed back and I realized what a fool I had been... I had forgotten how much I missed my best friend and the love of my life.
Unfortunately, I had wounded her too deeply... And, while she still loved me, in a month she would resume her studies at BYU and she didn’t want any "attachments" holding her back.
We saw each other frequently over that month and our relationship started to improve, but she wasn’t emotionally ready to entertain the thought of “us” again. After she left, I couldn't get her out of my mind and 6 months later, I decided to quit my job and move to Salt Lake City (about a 45 minute drive from BYU).
Now for the Romantic Gesture part of the story…
I knew I had hurt Megan deeply and I wanted to do something to at least try and heal that wound—I wanted to show her just how much I cared about her. This wasn’t an attempt to “woo her” or “win her back”, but rather, I just needed her to know how special she was to me—regardless if we ever married or even dated again.
You’ll remember that Megan had been a wonderful writer during her time as a missionary. She had sent me about 70 long, hand-written letters. These letters were like a journal that detailed many of the people, places, thoughts, feelings and special moments of her mission. So I decided I would type up our entire back-and-forth correspondence, organize it like a book (complete with an index, chapters, headers and so forth), and have it professionally hardbound and embossed.
I didn’t tell Megan I was moving to Salt Lake City (I wanted it to be a surprise). I also didn’t want to just hand her the book—I wanted her to discover it. So I created an anonymous treasure hunt (she wouldn’t know it was me until the end) that led her to a series of clues all around the BYU campus. The final clue would lead her back to the same library in which we met. I had taped a standard library book reference on the spine of my book and placed it inconspicuously among the other books at the library.
Throughout the treasure hunt I had been tracking her progress so I was ready when she entered. Careful not to be spotted, I watched as she tried to solve my final clue. In that moment, she was my everything—I was as in love with her as I ever had been. Finally, she made her way over to the row of books where Her book was hidden. I watched as she read the numbers, tracing her fingers on the spines, until she finally stopped.
Keep in mind that she had no idea who was behind this treasure hunt (actually, by this point she might have had at least some idea—or perhaps a hope). However, she had no idea that I had moved to Salt Lake City, and she certainly would have no reason think that the book she was now holding was one-of-a-kind and made for her.
As she read the title and started to slowly flip through the pages, it slowly dawned on her and she started to shake. That’s when I softly approached. Before she could see me, I spoke her name. Shocked for the second time in less than a minute, she whirled around… and with tears in her eyes, gave me the biggest, warmest hug possible…
The gesture had worked, her confidence in me was restored, and she started to rekindle her hope that we might just have a future together after all.
Now, I wish I would say that everything worked out for us… In the end, she ended up marrying someone else… But that was my fault. She knew he was about to propose but she was wrestling with her deep feelings for me. He was a good friend and would end up being a great husband, but I was the one her heart yearned for. She gave me every opportunity to give her an excuse to call off the wedding, but I hesitated. We had been through a lot over the last 3 years. Pain had come from both sides. While I absolutely could’ve (and would’ve) married her, there were still some things we needed to work out. So I didn’t have the courage to prevent her from having a stable “good” life with this other guy on only the hopes of maybe having a better life with me. My decision not to intervene haunted me for years. To this day, I consider it one of my few regrets in life.
In every Common Thread, I like to take a moment to highlight people who I think are valuable contributors in the community. I find these people by reading the stories they post in Common Threads. After checking out their profiles and recent blogs, I will usually follow them—and for those who really stand out, I will try and promote them in future Common Threads.
Here are some authors who I think are making valuable contributions:
- @tabzjones - Very talented dark fiction writer. Check out her recently-posted, three-part horror short story.
- @chelsea88 - Photographer, writer and rockstar community builder. Always combines great thoughts with great images in her blogs.
- @sizzlingmonkeys - Another shout out to sizzlingmonkeys for her creative take on Chance Encounters :) Check out her thoughts on life, health, parenting and more.
Now it’s your turn. The real purpose of Common Threads is to hear from you! I would love to hear the lengths you’ve gone to, the gifts you’ve given or the projects you’ve undertaken to show someone how much you love them—and I think others would, too. So add your story in the comments! Or, if you prefer, blog your story separately and link back to this thread so we can find it! If you don’t want to share, then maybe you’ll take a moment to read other people’s stories and encourage them by upvoting the ones you like. Now, without further ado:
Thanks very much for the mention. You are a fabulous writer. I feel I'm "along " for the ride when you are telling your stories. Wow, what an amazing ride for you two. I think we all have those "coulda, woulda, shoulda" moments in our lives. I bet she does too. But, in the end,
the heart goes where it wants to though. That's extremely elaborate and special what you did for her though. I feel a lot of those grand gestures are lost in today's society with technology which is both a blessing and a curse. I've experienced some grand gestures in my life both from" sources " that did not work out and some that are still in My life. Rather than focus on a specific grand gesture though, For me the small daily gestures matter so much. The big ones are memorable and awesomebut the small daily reminders are what keep us going.
Your blog reminded me thougj of the treasure hunts, I, the oldest of four would conduct for my brothers or sister. Those were always fun.
Also i didn't know Mormon missionaries couldn't keep in touch outside snail mail. Snail nail is a lost art in My opinion. But for long term must have been difficult.
I grew up in a Christian home and don't remeber that being a thing with Christian missions.
Thank you so much for your kind words and support. It's very encouraging and motivating! I loved your message about small daily reminders. You're absolutely right... and it's an area of my life I definitely need to improve upon. My personality gets so focused on projects and ideas that it's easy for me to forget about doing just the little things for the people who matter most to me.
By mentioning your childhood treasure hunts, I think you've given me an idea for a future Thread. I'll probably do one more Love-related Thread to round out this series and then move into a different general topic.
I think the rules have changed quite a bit in the last 18 years regarding missionaries and technology. I believe they can send emails now. But I agree with you, Letters are a lost art... there's just something special about them. :)
Hey Legend, gutted it didn't work out for you. That is a beautiful story and also really inspiring. Thank you for writing this :)
That's very encouraging to hear! Thank you for taking the time to read it :) Cheers
Hi @joshua-pace, wow, what an incredibly romantic thing you did for your girlfriend Megan! It's the stuff that movies are made off!
Regarding marriage, sometimes it's just meeting the "right" person and the right time. I think for each person, there are potentially many people they can find suitable as a partner - certainly our lives take highly different turns depending on the partners we choose, but there are many potential "happy endings."
I remember reading in your previous post that you measure your "future" girlfriends against Megan. Not that I am a romance expert, but I think it's going to be highly improbable to find someone better than the original - after all, each person can only be best at being themselves - so I think it will be tough for someone to be a better Megan ! Perhaps by allowing each person to be evaluated in their own context, you will find it easier to find a future love of your life.
Being a highly practical and unromantic person, my most romantic gestures are probably supporting my husband's dreams - whether it it is cooking less carbs and reminding him to drink green tea when he is trying to lose weight or giving moral support when he wanted to switch careers to a different field.
I really enjoy reading your Common Thread posts! 👍
I love your comments, sizzling :) Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts and encouragement.
While I was certainly a believer of "one and only" when I was younger, I now fully accept that there are many potential people we can be with and many potential happy endings :) I think when I said that I compare other relationships to Megan, I mean it in a kind of subconscious way--in that, these days, I never actually think about Megan when I'm dating someone and I don't actively make those comparisons. For several years I did make those direct comparisons, but then I met someone else (another story that might appear on Common Threads) who radically changed what I was looking for in a partner... Today, I think I hold Megan up as a kind of subconscious "high water mark" regarding the potency of the love I felt and clarity I had on our future together. I don't think I'm looking for another Megan--but if I feel for someone the way I felt for her (and that feeling is returned) I won't make the same mistake twice. :)
Thanks! :)
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