Wow, @fisch this is epic, I think it's commendable that you had the insight to know you had become rigid, concrete, critical and controlling.
I had also tried meditation as a way to find myself but failed miserably, so there was only one other option in my eyes, DMT or ayahuasca after years of research I finally tried some DMT, don't get me wrong it was amazing but my ego stopped me from going as deep as you did.
I have said before that your writing skills are amazing, and to be able to put your experience into words is a gift, I really felt like I was there with you.
Jester's, children, deities, frogs who speak without word, Wow you really had "the breakthrough experience" well done.
Reading this has reignited my curiosity and one day I know I will achieve enlightenment with DMT.
I know a place in Spain that does ayahuasca ceremonies, although I would prefer to go to South America.
I will be waiting with anticipation for more of your stories.
Thanks for sharing @fisch
Tusen Takk!
I have one question, have you heard of darkroom retreats?
Thank you for your compliments, for reading my post and for commenting on it!
There is no doubt about it. This substance has imposing powers. Life changing. Even when one gets burnt.
Though DMT was the main character in getting me back on track, I cannot downplay the immense help meditation has been. I have been doing it every day since I first started. That in addition to a lot of reflection and self-inquiry made the DMT train a great deal smoother. At least that's what I like to believe XD. Just my 0.02$.
One day, I will travel to SA and participate in a such a ceremony. A hours long session has got to be intense! I'm sure it's something quite different from smoking DMT, but at the same time not entirely foreign.
No, I haven't heard of darkroom retreats. I am only familiar (in theory) with isolation tanks filled with water you float on. No lights. Sensory deprivation. Heard those could initiate ego death as well as hallucinations. Have you tried such a darkroom retreat? It sounds intriguing.
Your welcome, I really enjoyed reading.
I met a guy in Spain who I think is the only person in Europe doing dark room retreats,
From what he told me and from what I've read it seems that sitting in a dark room by yourself for up to six days has huge benefits for the self.
From all the witness accounts when you come out you have a very clear view of yourself and the world, people have gone in with health problems and come out healthy and feeling 10yrs younger.
I like the sound of it because it's like a lazy man's meditation without the use of drugs, no breathing exercises no concentration, just go in a room and live with your self for six days with absolutely no distractions.
I will try I one day and let you know how it goes :)
Look forward to your next post.
Har det :)